(posting this early because I’m gonna be busy tomorrow and the rest of the weekend and wasn’t sure if I’d be able to edit and post properly.)
“Akutagawa, can I talk to you at my place later?”
Akutagawa didn’t miss the edge in Chuuya’s voice that usually wasn’t there. He didn’t know what it was about, but there was a part of him that clearly had some idea because he didn’t want to go to Chuuya’s apartment to have that conversation.
Things had changed between them and Akutagawa wondered if Chuuya was finally going to reprimand him for overstepping his bounds. Akutagawa decided to be ready with his own argument — that Chuuya hadn’t stopped him and had encouraged it. Back when Dazai was still in the Mafia, he would have taken that sort of thing from someone of higher rank without protest, especially if he viewed them as stronger than himself, but now he felt like his life amounted to more than trying to satisfy other people.
He’d felt satisfied by his interactions with Chuuya, and if Chuuya suddenly felt like that was wrong then he’d fight him over it.
When he knocked on the door he expected to be greeted harshly, or at least coldly. Instead Chuuya thanked him for coming and asked him to sit at the kitchen counter while he made them both something to drink.
If this was a reprimand, it was the nicest one Akutagawa had ever been given.
Chuuya made himself a coffee and Akutagawa the sort of tea he liked. He slid the teacup across the counter and sat down on the opposite side so that they could face each other.
Akutagawa sipped his tea. It was good.
Chuuya sipped his coffee.
Akutagawa coughed. “What did you want to talk about?”
Chuuya tapped his fingers against his coffee mug, which he was holding tightly. “I’m not good at this sort of thing,” he said. He met Akutagawa’s eyes. “What are we?”
It took Akutagawa a moment to process the words and even then he didn’t know what Chuuya was asking. “What do you mean? We’re...I’m your subordinate.”
“Come on,” Chuuya scoffed. “You haven’t just been my subordinate in a long time, and I don’t know if you ever were considering all the times you didn’t listen to me or anyone else.”
That was a fair point. “...a friend?”
“Friend,” Chuuya repeated. “That’s a good word.”
For a moment they sat in silence. Was that what Chuuya had wanted from him? To define who they were to each other?
Everyone else in Akutagawa’s life fell into a more clear-cut definition. Co-worker, supervisor, subordinate, Boss, sister, weretiger, mentor, enemy. His relationship with Chuuya couldn’t just be defined by any one of those words, and Akutagawa realized that “friend” wasn’t among the categories of his relationships.
He thought about what friends might mean and found it hard to define, because it seemed like there were no friends in the Mafia. All of the relationships skirted around what they could be if they were normal people. Chuuya and Kouyou were almost like siblings, except Kouyou kept a certain amount of distance and as a result, Chuuya maintained some wariness around her. Black Lizard used to have a kind of friendly banter with each other, but their relationship was also a work one, and clearly they hadn’t known much about each other. They’d all gone for drinks and on trips out of town, but they were always a bit out of sync and a bit distant. Higuchi admired him and was a hard worker, but they didn’t share much with each other aside for an appreciation of each others’ talents. Chuuya was the only one Akutagawa had a real conversation with who wasn’t Gin.
That meant that the closest relationship Akutagawa could this to was to his with Gin. Akutagawa felt comfortable around Chuuya in a way he didn’t around most other people, and he trusted him, and he cared about him, but it also felt completely different to how he and Gin worked. Gin felt like having a home somewhere, and being with Chuuya didn’t.
He wanted more from Chuuya. He didn’t know everything about him, but he found that he wanted to, that the intensity of his feelings was different than his feelings for anyone else. He admired Chuuya’s strength, but unlike with Dazai, he didn’t feel the need to prove himself to Chuuya anymore. He didn’t feel below Chuuya because Chuuya didn’t make him feel like that. Now that he’d gotten used to it, he felt like Chuuya’s equal.
He also felt like Chuuya wanted to know more about him. Chuuya made him feel like he was worth getting to know, worth spending time with, worth more than how many people he could kill, and every time he thought of that he felt a tightness in his throat that had nothing to do with his cough.
Akutagawa also found himself feeling a lot about other things. About how Chuuya looked, about how Chuuya’s voice sometimes send shivers down his spine, how his smile or laugh made his heart beat faster, how he felt like he could look into his eyes forever at times, how graceful his movements always were and how there were times where Akutagawa wanted more than words.
That seemed different than friendship, from what little Akutagawa knew.
“What else would we be?” he asked.
“Dating,” Chuuya said. “Romantically.”
He said those words confidently, but a light pink dusted his cheeks.
Oh.
Romance meant love. A deep intense kind of love that was giving yourself completely to another person by choice rather than by blood. It was giving yourself to someone you hadn’t known your whole life and trusting yourself with them even though you didn’t know everything about them.
Akutagawa trusted Chuuya, but did he trust Chuuya with his emotions? Did he trust Chuuya not to use them as a weakness against him?
Chuuya was someone who didn’t hide his emotions or try to suppress them, so Akutagawa didn’t think he would do something like that. Love also went two ways, so Chuuya would also be giving himself to Akutagawa.
Akutagawa realized he was getting ahead of himself. Romance didn’t always start with love.
“It doesn’t have to be,” Chuuya added. “I just...I mean, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I know there’s a lot of intense stuff involved with that kind of thing. I’m sure you know. I don’t know what love is if it gets that far, for one thing.”
“What?” Akutagawa couldn’t help his surprise.
Chuuya looked surprised too, that Akutagawa was surprised. “Why would I?”
Something about Chuuya not knowing what love was seemed wrong when Chuuya came across as the sort of person more than willing to love. But they were in the Mafia and the way Chuuya had grown up...if Akutagawa put the pieces together, he could see why Chuuya would think that. Chuuya didn’t really have close friends, he’d never had a sibling or family that he could remember, and all of his attempts to get close to people were met with resistance.
Chuuya was gripping his coffee mug very tightly.
“You want me to be the one who helps you find out what it is?” Akutagawa asked.
“I can see myself finding out what it is with you,” Chuuya said. “If you wanted.”
“But why?” That seemed like a high value to place on him.
“Why not?” Chuuya asked.
He said it like it was simple.
Maybe it was.
Akutagawa had never valued himself and he’d never felt valued by anyone other than Gin and Higuchi, and even then he only really counted Gin. He realized it mattered what Chuuya thought and wanted.
He realized that even though he’d been taught over and over again that emotions were a weakness, if there was anyone who could show him differently, who could allow him to feel more freely, it was Chuuya.
“I can’t promise anything,” he said.
“Neither can I.”
Akutagawa nodded. “I...I want to try.”
Chuuya’s smile at those words took Akutagawa’s breath away. He wanted to see it more often.
Akutagawa didn’t bother to knock, just in case Chuuya had actually fallen asleep. It occurred to him that he was comfortable doing something like this despite Chuuya being an Executive. He knew now that Chuuya wouldn’t get angry, whereas before he wouldn’t have been so sure, not because Chuuya had a temper but because he was used to people being angry at him for stepping out of bounds.
He pushed open the door slowly and stepped inside, closing it behind him without a sound. Chuuya wasn’t asleep. He was typing away on his laptop, the cold light from the screen casting dark shadows under his eyes that would probably remain even when he put the computer away.
“Akutagawa,” he said, his voice a bit scratchy from lack of sleep or overwork. “Can I help you with something?” He didn’t look up.
Akutagawa didn’t know how to go about this, but the knot of worry in his chest was too heavy to ignore. He’d been on the other side of this countless times, so he would do what Chuuya had done, or try to. He didn’t think he could pull it off quite as well.
“Chuuya-san,” he said, stepping forward.
Chuuya looked up. “You don’t have to use honorifics with me, you know.”
Akutagawa cleared his throat. “Chuuya.” It felt weird not to use honorifics with anyone who wasn’t Gin or the weretiger. “You should sleep.”
Chuuya’s mouth twitched into a smile. “Should I?”
“It’s three in the morning.”
“You’re also awake.”
That was true. He definitely hadn’t been waiting around for Chuuya to leave so that he could feel like it was alright to leave too.
“I will get some rest if you get some rest,” Akutagawa said. This wasn’t a tactic Chuuya had used with him, because Akutagawa had never thought to make the argument that Chuuya could also use more sleep until now.
“I didn’t know you cared so much.” It was meant to be teasing, but there was a slight seriousness in Chuuya’s words as well.
Akutagawa hadn’t known he cared so much either. “I can walk you back to your apartment.”
“You just want to make sure I actually go to sleep,” Chuuya said, “rather than taking my word for it.”
“Yes.”
“Alright. I guess this can wait.”
Akutagawa stood by the door as Chuuya packed up his things. He noticed that Chuuya was bringing the laptop with him and hoped that he wouldn’t spend the rest of the night doing whatever he’d been doing here back at his apartment.
Once he slung his bag over his shoulder he gestured to the door. “Lead the way.”
They walked in silence. It didn’t feel wrong because everything around them was silent, too. There were no people walking around, no cars in the streets. This was that special time of night that was almost completely still and quiet, and neither of them wanted to break that.
It wasn’t until they entered the lobby of Chuuya’s building that Chuuya decided to say something. “You can come up if you want.”
“I…”
“You want to make sure I actually go to sleep, right?” Chuuya asked.
“Yes,” Akutagawa said. “Okay.”
The elevator ride was short and soon they were in Chuuya’s apartment. Akutagawa slipped off his shoes.
“You can stay the night if you want,” Chuuya said, “since you went through the trouble of walking me back. You shouldn’t have to go out again.”
“It was no trouble,” Akutagawa said. The knot of worry had grown less heavy during their walk.
“Still…” Chuuya looked like he wanted to say something else.
He looked like he wanted Akutagawa to stay.
Akutagawa thought about going outside again, of going to his own apartment and trying to sleep. It never went well. If he stayed here he could tell himself that it was to make sure Chuuya slept.
“I would like that,” he said.
Chuuya’s expression brightened and for a moment he didn’t look tired at all. “Great! I’ll get you some blankets and pillows.”
Akutagawa waited as Chuuya brought him an assortment of blankets and pillows, all of them soft and of good quality.
“Let me know if you need anything,” he said. “I’ll try not to wake you up if I wake up early.”
This all felt strangely...natural for something that shouldn’t have been natural to either of them.
Akutagawa arranged the blankets and pillows the way he wanted them to be arranged. He didn’t feel safe sleeping in most places, but for some reason he felt fine here. He thought about the smile on Chuuya’s face and the way that he’d just listened to Akutagawa despite them not being on the same level as each other.
Then again, rank didn’t seem to matter to Chuuya outside of work.
With satisfaction, Akutagawa noted that Chuuya had kept his laptop inside its bag, which was resting against the coffee table, close enough that Akutagawa would notice if he came out to try to get it again. He was really going to try to sleep because Akutagawa suggested it.
Akutagawa didn’t want to admit to himself how much that meant to him.
*whispers* hey y’all good people where are those works where Chuuya and Akutagawa go undercover as a married couple pls feed me there must be something like that right right right???
i will catch up pls excuse moi i gotta continue reading jurisprudence //sobs
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Rating: G
Pairing: Akutagawa Ryuunosuke / Nakahara Chuuya
Warnings: none
Tags: fluff, dating, first kiss, flustered Akutagawa
Summary: It had been a month since Chuuya had shown up at the door of Akutagawa’s office to ask him out. Akutagawa still didn’t quite understand why — he had nothing to offer someone of Chuuya’s caliber. Still, for some reason, words of agreement had tumbled from his mouth even as panic rose in his chest. Or at least, that was how he interpreted his frantic heartbeat.
I was debating which au to do for today and this came up!
Day 6: AU | Canon Divergent / Role Reverse Kudos and comments appreciated!
Akutagawa had seen those dark wings before. He remembered still, coming from his childhood.
Tears would roll down his cheeks as he hugged his knees, fluttering his eyes shut, awaiting for his end.
It was then when he felt it. Soft breeze blowing on his face. He opened his eyes and saw a man with red hair, blue eyes and beautiful features. They were... flying. Akutagawa's eyes widened and he made himself a bit more comfortable in the arms that carried him.
