Hey everyone
I want to let everyone know that my username is no longer citizenthane.
That’s really all you need to know, but I’ll talk about it more under the cut, and why it matters so much to me.
CitizenThane....was not just a one-off username. It was my universal brand. My entire identity online.
Today, I realize that my identity has changed.
7 years.
I lived 7 years of my life, from when I was 15, identifying myself as a transgender man. FtM.
Today, I accepted something that has...lingered with me.
At the back of my mind, ever there. I tried to hide it in a shadow, ignore it.
Like I did before accepting I was trans, I pushed the thoughts away and ignored them.
“I’m this. Nothing else!”
...But that’s not true.
I know it’s not true.
I’ve grown a lot as a person in the past 7 years. I’ve changed a lot.
You can’t expect someone to get it right every time. Not the first time. Not the second time, even. And, by God, not when they’re only 15. When they’re just figuring things out, just really becoming a person at all.
Today, I accepted a truth that is as painful to admit as it was 7 years ago.
I’m not transgender.
My body dysphoria, while very real, has nothing to do with my gender.
My sexuality has nothing to do with my gender.
My personality has nothing to do with my gender.
I was not happy being female....but I’m not any happier pretending to be something I’m not, either.
Gender is full of so many ‘rules’ isn’t it?
Women have to be one way, they say.
I wasn’t happy following them, so I thought I must be male.
Men have just as many rules they’re expected to follow.
I realize now it’s not about the rules. It’s not about what everyone expects of me.
I don’t want live as someone trying to play someone else’s game anymore.
My life is mine.
I tried to be ‘girly’ for my parents, and society at large.
I tried to be ‘manly’ to break the rules, but only found myself caught under endless red tape by people constantly judging and policing me.
“Do you EVEN pass? Are you trans ENOUGH? Are you REALLY manly?”
It’s the same game. The same one, under a different name.
Trying hard to be something, someone, for other people.
I’m tired of failing to live up to the expectations of someone else.
I’m not transgender.
I’m not cisgender.
I’m many things, and also not. I’m just...human. I’m just me.
Man, woman. Whatever name I use; Raven, Arthur, Jean, Thane.
It doesn’t matter which. They’re all the same person.
I feel in a lot of ways like a traitor. Like I ‘betrayed the cause’ or something. Like I’m a liar.
It’s not that.
It’s that I..
...I’m just so tired of lying.
I’m not CitizenThane anymore, and I’m not going to use that name anymore. It’s not me, not anymore. Maybe it once was, but no longer. I’m not the person I was when I became him 7 years ago.
I don’t care what pronouns I am anymore but I’m going to just use She/Her/Hers since everyone already uses them on me in my everyday life. Figured I as well just use my birth name, Raven, as well. It’s just easier than having to make up some whole new persona of something that, at the end of the day, isn’t really even me.
So that’s why I changed my username.
