clara x eleven: press my heart against your own, where it will break at last.
SUMMARY: He looks at her – her eyes are fixed on him and she looks at him like he’s the most beautiful thing in the world and his hands shakes a bit too, because he’s never been anything, he’s always been poor, useless John, too smart, too weird, too different. And there she is, an alien from outer space, fallen in his garden just a few months ago, and she is telling him he’s special and that’s the moment he realizes that he has been waiting for this moment for all his life. She is there, and that’s all it matters. AU: Clara as the Doctor and John Smith as her companion.
One day, he meets her, and that’s when everything begins.
She introduces herself as the Doctor and she’s mad and brilliant and perfect in every way for him and he smiles every time he looks at her, because she is a miracle fallen out of the sky – in quite a literally way, to be honest, even if he’s not sure how that blue box can actually fly in the first place. But that’s not the matter, now.
“Come away with me” she says, running like a little child in her blue box bigger on the inside. And he’s a bit overwhelmed and he thinks he might have a panic attack – an alien invasion right in the middle of an ordinary day and then this crazy woman just pops out of the sky and fixes everything and takes him in her absurd blue box bigger on the inside (he’s already forgotten the name, it’s too much to accept in this moment), asking him to come away with her, it’s nothing like his everyday life, to be honest. But, still, he thinks that this is the best thing that could ever happen to him.
“Where?” he asks and she smiles and her smile is so big it’s actually scary, at one point.
“Anywhere, in time and space. Come away with me, Chin Boy, and I’ll show you the stars”.
He smiles at the weird name she has chosen for him, then he says, without a trace of hesitation “Yes”.
(And he thinks about all the times he has looked up at the sky asking for a miracle, and yes, yes, this is my miracle, this is my chance, I will not ruin this, not this time.
He’s always been like this – always this, always the weird, awkward John Smith, very smart, very clever, good with computers, terrible with fellows human beings. But she’s not a human being, and she smiles at him as if he’s the reason the Earth orbits around the sun and he’s never been happier in his whole life).
*
He realizes what he has done only when they are running away from a very angry alien that probably wants to kill them – he’s not certain, but that’s not the time to verify it, since his death will make useless all the effort.
The Doctor runs, too. She’s not scared at all – or maybe she hides it very well, but he feels that this is just everyday business for her – and tells him it’s okay, they are going to be okay and I promise you, nobody is going to die today.
He avoids telling her this doesn’t seem very reassuring.
It’s only when they are safe in the blue box of her (TARDIS, it’s called, he reminds himself) that he actually becomes aware of what happened. She doesn’t seem very impressed about it and she pulls some levers on the console, talking about planets and stars and Have you ever been to Barcelona? The planet, not the city, of course. Even if, thinking about it, I could bring you to Barcelona-the-city. If you want. I miss good old Antoni. Last time I saw him, he was always rambling about a church he had to built, I wonder if he ever finished it.
And he doesn’t know what she’s talking about – which, he realizes, happens very often – but, instead of following her train of thought, he just let her speak, until she notices he’s very quiet – too quiet, even for him.
“Are you okay?” she asks and she stops working at the console to look him in the eyes. And he smiles a little bit, because she’s trying so hard to pretend she’s okay, but he can see she’s worried and it’s beautiful, in a weird way.
“Yes, I’m okay” he responds, quickly, and he can see the relief on her face once she hears him. “I was just wondering --” he stops, words failing him in this moment, because she is smiling with tenderness in her eyes and he thinks she’s looking at him like he’s a puppy who stumbled upon his on paw – which it’s a little bit humiliating. “It’s always like this, isn’t it? This dangerous, I mean”.
She bites her lips, before answering. “Actually, it’s worse”.
That’s not reassuring at all, Doctor, he thinks, but he nods. “Good”.
He doesn’t say I want to go home, I want to be safe, and she doesn’t ask him if he wants to. She just waits for him to say something, but then he doesn’t and she smiles, picking up her monologue right where she interrupted it.
(I don’t want to go home, there’s nothing there, waiting for me, he thinks, while she’s here and she wants me to travel with her. Dangerous is okay, after all.)
*
It happens soon after they have left Renaissance Italy – and she still laughs at the fact the Leonardo da Vinci wanted to study his body and he blushes and Shut up, that’s the most embarrassing thing ever and she smiles. You are so cute, getting embarrassed for this kind of things, she says, but then she admits he needs time to recover from their last adventure and she orders him to keep his eyes closed, while she works on the console, all happy and giggly, it’s a surprise, don’t spoil it, Chin Boy.
And when he opens his eyes, the TARDIS door is open and there’s the whole universe before his eyes, stars burning and lightening the way, planets orbiting, galaxies shining right in front of him and all of this is reflected in her eyes and he can see the universe in her smile, the birth of the first star and the death of the last one on her face, and for a moment he thinks that she’s more beautiful than the whole perfect scene out there.
They sit there, legs hanging out, in deep space, and they stay quiet for a while. He thinks that this is the most beautiful moment in all his life – the universe, and the Doctor, right by his side.
He turns to face her with a smile on his face. “Thank you”.
She smiles too, but she looks like she’s thinking about something and this is not the first time he sees her like this – like her mind is burning from all the thinking and he wonders what’s like in her brain, being able to see all time and space and being so impossibly old. He’ll never know.
“I am sorry” she says, in the end. “For getting you in this kind of situation”.
And then, then he does something that surprises even himself. He reaches for her hand and holds it in his own and she looks at him, shocked somehow, as he caress her skin with his thumb.
“You don’t have to apologize” he tells her, and it’s so weird – it’s her the one listening and him the one talking and he isn’t used to this thing. He’s always been the silent type, nothing more, nothing less, and talking is always been so difficult for him. As if he is looking for words that don’t even exist. “I assure you, I don’t regret coming away with you. And I won’t, ever. Not a chance. I just want you to know that I’ve never been this happy in my whole life and it’s all because of you”.
He blushes like a kid and there’s tenderness in her smile and his heart beats so fast when she rests her burning head on his shoulder, closing her ancient eyes.
“You really are amazing, John” she says, quietly, eyes still closed. He realizes he’s still holding her hand, but he doesn’t want to let go, so he keeps on stroking her skin, feeling her heartbeat. Two hearts, she said, and he can feel them both.
“Nobody ever said that to me” he admits, looking at her, over his shoulder. She is smiling against his jacket, and she holds his hand and her grip is stronger than he thought.
She says nothing, but the way she let him hold her it’s worth thousands of words.
(And his heart is fluttering, because she thinks he’s amazing and he feels like a little kid, he feels a teenager again and he doesn’t know how to act.
They stay like this for a while, and it’s the most beautiful moment in his life and Please never leave me, don’t ever say you don’t need me please, I don’t think I’ll ever be this happy again.
Why me, he asks, in the end, and she tightens her grip on his hand, as if she’s afraid of letting him go. I must be nothing, compared to the universe.
You are not that, John, she says, voice ancient as the world, you are everything.
He doesn’t ask anymore and let the information sink within him, in his fluttering heart, and that’s all, that’s all he takes to him to be hers, completely)
*
There’s a time when he really thinks he’s going to die.
There is no running, this time, no jokes, only an army of cold Cybermen, ready to kill them and upgrade them. And, for the first time, he’s really scared – and he knows there’s nothing they can do, the Doctor can’t help him and he surely can’t save her and that’s terrible.
She is holding his hand, as they step back, trying to get away from these robot, but behind them there’s a wall and before them stands their death, so she tries to smile, but her smile is broken and there are tears in her eyes and he’s surprised by how does it hurt. He thinks he’s more shocked by her pain than by the certainty of death.
“I am sorry” she says and he knows she’s blaming herself for his death.
“I am not” he replies, quietly, and she smiles again and her smile is just a little warmer than before and she caress his skin, as if he’s some kind of fragile being, ready to break in a million pieces as soon as she’ll hold a little bit tighter.
And then – it happens.
“Doctor, is that a terminal?” he asks, pointing out something that shines very far away. It seems something really familiar to him. She frowns – You are going to die and you worry about a computer?, her face says– but she nods anyway, the Cybermen almost near them. “Good. Can you distract them while I try to save us?”
And he’s shocked by how sure he is about himself and what is about to do, but this is not the moment to think about him. She is shocked and he knows that she wants to stop him, but in the end she steps forward and begins to run and the Cybermen are quite surprised – and that’s it, that’s his moment, so he takes it.
He runs, and runs, and nothing else matters, only the beating of his heart and the terrible fear that haunts him, never leaving him – the Doctor is in danger, he has to save her, because that’s the right thing to do. And so he runs, until he gets to the terminal – a giant computer, bigger than his house, probably – and he starts typing furiously, trying to find a way to save them, trying to show that even useless human John Smith, sometimes, can save the Doctor. His heart is beating fast, I can do it, I know I can, it’s what I’ve always done, and he tries not to think about her, risking her life to help him and please, don’t die, please just make this work.
“John!” she screams and there’s a Cyberman behind his back and he ducks when the robot reaches for him and kicks him even if it doesn’t seem to be effective. And then, just before the Cyberman can actually take him, he presses a button and that’s it, the whole army just crumbles before his eyes and the Doctor just looks at him, shocked and surprised and she is shaking.
It’s so weird, seeing her like this, so vulnerable, he thinks, but then every rational thought vanishes, because she runs into him and she throws her arm around his shoulder and holds him so tight he can’t breathe, but it doesn’t matter, because he sinks in the silk of her hair and breathes in the smell of her skin, arms encircling her small waist, and I can hear your heartbeat and it’s beautiful, I think I’m yours forever.
“Don’t ever do it again, John” she whispers, against his shoulder and only in this moment he realizes she is still shaking and his hands trails up to the small of her back to reassure her I’m here, I’m not going anywhere, please believe me. “Don’t save my life, don’t put yourself in danger”.
He closes his eyes in her arm, and finally thinks he’s home.
(You seem shocked, he says, when they are back on the TARDIS, and she doesn’t respond immediately.
I know, it’s a soft whisper, but he hears it anyway. I just don’t want to lose you, John. Is it so hard to believe?
And he doesn’t say yes, he doesn’t say you are so incredible and I’m just a worthless human, so weird and terrible and I’m not important, why are you afraid of losing me?
Instead, he just smiles and brush his hand against hers, and his heart beats fast, as if it’s a caged bird, yearning to fly.)
*
On Christmas day, she kisses him.
They are on Earth, at his place – he can’t think of that as an home, now that he’s finally got one. She wanders around the house, while he just looks at her face while she frowns over something she doesn’t quite understand. In this moment, he realizes how actually alien she is and how so terribly better than him.
She doesn’t need him, he thinks, but he needs her and it’s quite selfish to say, but he can’t leave her, not now and possibly not ever. He knows that there will be a moment when she’ll leave him behind, because she’ll get tired or she won’t need him anymore, but it doesn’t matter – I’ll stay as long as she’ll want me, I’ll stay with her until she gets tired, I’m hers, I will never leave her, unless she wants me to.
“Are you sure you want to spend Christmas day with me? I mean, sure, it’s wonderful, but shouldn’t you celebrate with, you know, special people? Humans tend to do that” she shrugs and he can see right through her for the first time in his life – he can see how much it hurts her to say those things, how much she wants to stay with him and how hard she tries to pretend she doesn’t care, and he’s surprised by how selfless she is.
“You are special” he tells her and she quickly turns to face him, surprise in her eyes. And she’s beautiful and it’s a quite a pleasant sight, seeing her in his kitchen, a tender smile on her face, hands a little bit shaking – and he doesn’t know the reason behind that, but he won’t ask, he just accepts her the way she is, without questioning anything.
“You are special too. You should know that” she replies, finally, and he smiles a little bit, blushing like a little child – and she’s used to it and her smile grows bigger when she sees her face and she’s perfect and beautiful and how can I not love you?
“I – I’m really not, I’m just an ordinary human and –”
“John”.
He looks at her – her eyes are fixed on him and she looks at him like he’s the most beautiful thing in the world and his hands shakes a bit too, because he’s never been anything, he’s always been poor, useless John, too smart, too weird, too different. And there she is, an alien from outer space, fallen in his garden just a few months ago, and she is telling him he’s special and that’s the moment he realizes that he has been waiting for this moment for all his life. She is there, and that’s all it matters.
“You are special. You are the most important person in the whole universe” she says, stepping forward, and there she is, in front of him, and there’s a gentle smile on her lips, but her eyes are serious and firm, and her hands don’t shake anymore. “I want you to know that. I know I can’t change the way you think of yourself. That is up to you. But I wish you just stopped to lessen yourself, because you are worth it, John, because you are kind and smart and incredible and I just don’t understand how can you not see it”.
He knows he’s crying – he can feel the taste of tears on his lips – but he doesn’t try to hide it.
“Nobody has ever said that to me” he says, trying to smile. She brushes her hand against his face and there’s so much tenderness in this gesture and she is so gentle to him and he doesn’t deserve it, he –
She caresses his skin and then everything is forgotten, and the touch of her hand seems to magically heal all his wound, even the ones he didn’t remember. “It was about time, wasn’t it?” she says, cheerfully, and he laughs.
And then, she kisses him – she kisses him in his kitchen, and her hands are on his face and he is taken by surprise and his arms flail a bit, and he can feel her smiling against his lips, but then he holds her, close to his beating heart, and kisses her, tasting his tears on her lips and feeling the whole universe on her skin – supernova exploding in the space between her hearts and galaxies glowing in the hollow of her neck and I love you, I love you, I love you.
“Don’t ever leave me” he says, in the end, and she rests her head against his heart and listens to the rhythmic sound, closing her eyes, smiling against his shirt.
And that’s the most beautiful thing in the universe.
(She is here in his arms and, for the first time in his life, he actually feels special.
You are amazing, she tells him, and, again, for the first time, he believes her.)
*
In the end, it’s very simple – she’s dying and he saves her.
Of course, this means he’s going to die and, of course, it’s going to hurt like hell, being scattered through time and space, but, in the end, it’s really that simple – she’s dying, so he saves her. That’s all, no further explanation, no tears, no fear, just the beating of his heart. He saves her, because that’s what he wants to do, because she’s dying and she is the Doctor, his Doctor and How could I leave her like this? I’ll save you, I’ll die a thousand times if this means you’re going to live.
After all, the universe can do without awkward computer genius John Smith, but it needs the Doctor – and all the stars are fading, and the sky is turning black and every planet crumbles into dust before his very eyes and that’s because the Doctor is dying and so there is no turning back.
He saves her, and that’s all.
“Run, you clever girl, and remember me” he says, standing before her time stream. It burns and a terrible red light cast its shadow on the pale face of the Doctor – it almost seems an infected wound, full of poison.
He enters in her time stream – and in this moment, he hears her lips whisper something he has already forgotten.
“John”.
(I never told you I love you, it’s his last thought, before losing everything he’s ever been.
And that’s, in the end, what saves him.)
*
When he hears her voice, he thinks it’s a dream – a beautiful, terrible dream, because he’s dead and he saved her, but he is dead and alive at the same time, running every second just to find her, to save her, because that’s what he is now. An echo, a ghost, real enough to save her, but not to hold her in her arms, whispering that this is not her fault – and he knows that she’ll blame herself and that her shoulder will curve again the weight of his choice and he’d like to be there, to tell her that he’s done what he’s done because he loves her, but I can’t, I won’t be there, I -
It doesn’t matter anymore – he’s dead, and he hears her voice and it’s just a dream, John, you dreamed it for yourself because the truth it’s just too terrible, and he wonders why all this sounds so familiar. His mind is burning for all the lives he has lived and all the memories overlaps and John, I’m here, please, believe me, I’m real.
And when he sees her – despite the fear and the pain and the tears, she’s there and she seems so real and he likes to pretend she is.
She’s crying too and her hands are shaking, when she says “Let me save you, John, just this once, please”, and that’s when he stops fighting.
“How?” he asks, and there’s a little smile on her face.
“Because it’s impossible and you are my impossible boy!” and he doesn’t know how it happened, but there he is, running towards his Doctor and then he crashes in her arms and she holds him, clasp her arm around his shoulder and tells him it’s all right, you’re going to be alright, I promise you. He buries his face in the hollow of her neck and cries against her skin and she whisper in his ear something he can’t understand, but it sounds familiar.
(Only later he’ll realized that she whispered his name all along, like a prayer.)
She doesn’t say thank you, instead she kisses him and in that kiss he tastes her desperation and her fear, and he tries to untie all the knots in her soul by holding her close to her body, his hands tangled in her hair, and she is trembling against him and he swears that if he concentrates he can hear the double, rhythmic sound of her heartbeat matching with his own.
“You saved me” she murmurs, against his lips, and her eyes are full of tears. He wipes them away with tenderness and smiles.
“I’d do it every time” he says, gently caressing her skin. She reaches for his hand and covers it with her small one, with a broken, little smile.
“Don’t do it ever again” she demands him, but her voice shakes, so it almost seems a request. “Please”.
Instead of answering, he sinks in her neck and she holds him, never letting him go, never again, never again.
(Don’t ever leave me again, she murmurs, against his lips, when he kisses her again, on the TARDIS, and he’s scared by how vulnerable she is and kisses her neck, whispering word of love against her skin.
I won’t, he promises her, and kisses her over and over again).
*
I love you, he says, one day.
Good, she responds, because I love you too.