#clarecrawley

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The Bachelorette Week Eleven Part Two aka Lowest Budget, Highest Stakes

Here’s What Happened Tuesday

It feels like an eternity ago that Clare said Dale’s name so many times the word started to sound wrong, and now here we are, the finale of an entirely new Bachelorette ready to accept a proposal from whoever is willing to put a ring on her finger so they can finally check out of the La Quinta.

The Rose Ceremony

Last night we witnessed the great 2020 B Swap: Brendan for Ben, turtleneck for wide-neck crew. Ultimately, Tayshia pulls a Tayshia and defers her decision on Ben to the Rose Ceremony because, if he’s going to be here, she might as well make him sweat through a full suit one more time.

Ivan and Zac do not appreciate the appearance of Ben at the rose stand – especially not Ivan, who, moments later, is summoned by Tayshia and given the Bachelorette version of being taken out back and shot.

Goodbye, sweet Ivan, you civil rights-advocating, ice bath-surviving, eggroll-burning aeronautical engineer and future king of Paradise.

Ben Meets The Fockers

Ben is the first up to meet Tayshia’s family and there are a few immediate strikes against him. First, he is an Army man amongst a Navy family, and as we all know our branches of the military revile each other. Second, Tayshia has already dumped him, which technically makes him her ex-boyfriend. And third, Ben is aggressively sweaty and feels the need to verbally draw attention to it at every opportunity.

Ultimately everyone succumbs to Ben’s golden retriever-esque sincerity wrapped in the body of a Greek god. Except Tayshia’s dad, who will approve in public and quietly sabotage Ben’s chances later.

The Adams Family // Zac C Collab

Zac arrives at the family meet and greet dressed in black from head to toe, looking like something between a restaurant host and an undertaker. In his conversation with Tayshia’s parents, Zac fluctuates between diving into intense and serious assertions of love and flashing his disarming boyish dimples. Zac’s is a consistently perplexing, damp energy.

For no reason I can explain, the producers make the entire family eat cold, congealed pizza before Zac is allowed to leave.

Zac’s Final Date

Tayshia has devolved into a full-blown existential panic in the wake of her father’s surprise visit to gently request that she rethink all her choices to this point. She gets roughly ten minutes to mask her cranky, cranky mood before heading out to meet Zac, a man she has to appear to love despite the fact that he is sweating through every stitch of his clothing.

After a brief chat near a scenic waterfall that we are only now seeing at this point in the season because it’s an audio nightmare, the two proceed to a ballroom dancing class. Their tango is stiffened by Tayshia’s stress, setting a chill in the air chill reminiscent of Ivan’s genitals mere days ago.

Later, at candlelit snuggle time, Zac and Tayshia have a chance to address the tension and reaffirm their love. Zac vows to love Tayshia even if she becomes “a stay-at-home mom or a waitress,” which are clearly scenarios he has made his peace with.

Ben’s Final Date, In A Sense

If there are small mercies in this show, they may be that Tayshia never lets any of the big guys get blind dumped at a Rose Ceremony, and the producers never let them leave without at least one shirtless bathroom hairstyling moment.

And thus, this is how it ends for Ben, freshly showered, sitting in his hotel room practicing cursive T’s in his journal. Tayshia shows up – importantly, as my friends pointed out, in the same dress she spoke to her father in – to tell Ben her dad is making her break up with him.

Ben, dumped for the second time in two episodes, leaves to fall into the arms of the internet’s loving embrace and steady stream of sponsorship income.

The Final Rose

One of the most special traditions in the Bachelor Franchise is when the lead allows two finalists to pour their hearts out in proposal, only to step over the one’s dead body to accept the proposal from the other.

Tayshia gives us no such satisfaction. We know the ending before Zac even steps out of the limo – blue suit, black shoes, red flags and all. He shows up to the desert’s Allergy Forest, complete with all the dry kindling needed to burn the La Quinta down for good.

After ten full minutes of uncomfortable whispered speeches, Zac slips a ring on Tayshia’s finger and she magnets the final rose on his lapel. Then they climb into their cardboard taxicab and shuffle off to wherever it is two people go when recently engaged but still imprisoned at a La Quinta. Congrats, lovers.

Until Matt James!

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelorette Week Three aka Dale.

Here’s What Happened Tuesday

Clare develops deeper feelings for Dale while I begin to suspect that the reason they disappear in the upcoming episodes is because the rest of the men have gang-murdered them in the La Quinta parking lot.

Last Week’s Cocktail Party, cont’d. 

Last week, Clare proposed a game of dodgeball that began with all the monochromatic trappings of a ‘90s high school movie but quickly devolved into a scene from one of the more niche corners of Pornhub.

Yosef, a man who I would not assume would be above reproach considering he has the hair gel game of someone well-versed in sending unsolicited dick pics, takes the most issue with Clare’s purportedly classless dodgeball game.

He confronts Clare, gently suggesting that she is a trashy elderly swamp witch who does not live up to his Alabamian sense of propriety. In need of a tried-and-true comeback, Clare spits the same line at Yosef that she spat at Juan Pablo, leaving us to wonder how many men she has used those words against in the intervening decade.

Yosef leaves, and Dale swoops in for the rescue hug, his broad chest making Clare forget that someone just uttered the word “forty” in her presence.

The Rose Ceremony

Cutting the Cocktail Party short due to her perceptive recognition that she would not be able to maintain small talk with the non-Dales in her moment of emotional fragility, Clare proceeds directly to the Rose Ceremony.

Roses are distributed to Dale and, reluctantly, others.

Gossip Interlude

After a night of chaos, Clare has a refreshing conversation with someone who has been in her hooker heels before. Deanna, former Bachelorette, has a babysitter for the weekend and gleefully encourages all of Clare’s most destructive instincts.

Clare tells Deanna all about Dale and hands her a pair of his pants to sniff. While we are made to believe the producers indeed procured Dale’s pants, I suspect there is a Chris Harrison standing in his boxers nearby.

Elsewhere, the men try to psych themselves up for the mandatory group date, wondering if it will be dongs in or dongs out this time.

The Group Date, Kind Of

Clare cancels the day portion of the planned group date, not able to stomach another makeshift hotel date when she was promised Thailand, and proceeds directly to the night portion instead.

Dale jumps to request the first steal-away with Clare, promising only five minutes of her time, but instead lays on top of her for an hour in her suite.

Clare has already begun removing her white silk short suit when Eazy arrives at the door, demanding that Clare speed date with the rest of them. Only horny for that Dale, Clare goes through the motions until Dale returns, interrupting one of the guys who was in the middle of showing Clare how he learned to blow bubbles.

Outside, Dale tells the other dudes he got lost leaving the bathroom, or must have wandered into Clare’s room in a fugue state, or some combination of the two.

Zach J’s One-On-One

Zach J is one of the non-Dales who Clare is required to take on a one-on-one, so she brings him on the errands she was planning to run anyway. Zach J’s ticklishness as he suffers through his first pedicure is a major drag on Clare, who just wanted to get rubbed down by some Eastern European women in peace. Or by Dale. Mmm Dale.

Later, in the pool, Zach J and Clare share a hellacious moment that involves breathing into each other’s open mouths but not kissing, and then Zach J pawing at Clare’s neck but still not kissing.

Chris Harrison breaks up with Zach J on Clare’s behalf, which is how I now plan to destroy a man in the future.  

The Second Group Date

The premise of the second group date is a roast. A roast, for the unfamiliar, is a pre-internet tradition of cyberbullying one person directly to his or her face in front of everyone they know.

The men are encouraged to roast each other, by which they interpret “each other” to mean “Dale.” Jealousy breeds creativity as each man works harder writing his digs than he did on any paper he wrote in modeling school.

Later, at the booze portion of the date, Clare grills each man about his Dale roast with the white-hot interest of a woman poised to snap at any moment. The rest of the men sit outside and try to make sense of the rejection, collectively bolstering their fragile egos like a waddle of penguins protecting their eggs.

Clare gives herself the rose.

And Finally…

The moment you knew was coming if you’ve been on the internet at any point in the last month: from the watery ashes of Clare’s self-destruction rises the Bachelorette phoenix Tayshia.

Our rescuer is coming, and she’s bikini-ready. Good night and God bless.

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelorette Week Four aka Daleiverance

Here’s What Happened Thursday

Just when the nation can’t take any more coverage of Maricopa County ballot counting, Chris Harrison giveth the sweet reprieve. On the potential eve of the shakeup in the White House we’ve all been waiting for comes the shakeup in the Bachelorverse we’ve been waiting for harder.

Harrison Therapy

Everyone’s overly-involved coworker Chris Harrison stops by Clare’s proverbial cube to pry into her feelings on Dale, the guy she met at last year’s Christmas party and who she has stalked incessantly on Teams ever since.

In reality terms, Clare has decided that her La Quinta boyfriend of seventy-two hours, Dale Moss, is her pick for life.

Harrison informs the men that there will be no Cocktail Party or Rose Ceremony. Instead, Clare will don her most tit-forward finale prom dress and shoot her final shot egregiously ahead of schedule.

The Rehearsal Dinner

Clare sits Dale down for a poolside candlelit dinner and tells him that her parents, James and Lily Potter, met and got engaged after an interminable three-week wait. Thus, Clare’s infallible genetic instincts for permanence are signaling that the time is right.

Dale reveals that going on The Bachelorette was the only way to avoid the out-of-body haze of suffocating grief from the death of his mother, and Clare takes this as an excellent sign.

Clare tells Dale she is falling in love with him. Dale, seeing a producer brandish a knife in his waistband nearby, apprehensively reciprocates.

Everything is moving so quickly that Chris Harrison doesn’t even have time to provide a handwritten invitation for the two to spend a night in the Fantasy Suite, but Clare takes it upon herself to bring Dale back to her room to – how should I say this – cast his ballot in her designated dropbox.

Harrison Therapy, Part 2

The next day, Chris Harrison returns to Clare’s room where she tells him that she and Dale are in love, hopefully pregnant, and ready to spend the rest of their lives together.

Chris Harrison does another line of cocaine off the coffee table and suggests immediate engagement.

The Group Dump

Clare gathers up the remainder of men still dating her to inform them that it’s collectively over. She tells them that she has too much respect for them not to own up to the fact that she found it so annoying that they were always there.

Kenny suggests that Clare should apologize to them, and Clare asks Kenny to remind her what his name is.

Elsewhere, Dale hears Chris Harrison’s words to prepare for engagement like an astronaut hearing instructions from Houston to prepare for ejection six thousand miles from the moon.

The Final Rose

Dale never expected to have to propose before he even figured out where the resort bathroom is, yet here we are. He blacks out for a minute and when he comes to, he is engaged to a woman with a glint of crazy in her eye that tells him that he will never make it back out of this relationship still breathing.

It Wasn’t Over; It Still Isn’t Over

Somehow when it’s Dale proposing, the narrative of the other men is “it’s only been a week,” but when Chris tells them they’re getting a new Bachelorette, the narrative is “but I’ve already emotionally invested in this journey with Clare.”

The men are given twelve hours to decide if their hearts can handle seeing a brand-new woman in a bikini ten years younger than Clare so soon after devastating heartbreak. In an act of true bravery, every man chooses to endure.

Until next week.

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelorette Week Eleven aka Suites, Hold The Fantasy

Here’s What Happened Monday

Ah, Fantasy Suites. In the Before Times, Fantasy Suites were an occasion for the final three men to touch down in an exotic location – both literally and figuratively, if you catch my drift. But alas, in 2020, Fantasy Suites looks a lot more like having sex with your shared girlfriend in the hotel where you’re already quarantining from the plague

Ivan’s One-On-One

Traditionally the one-on-one date preceding the Fantasy Suite is something aphrodisiac, something intended to get the romantic juices flowing. Tayshia and Ivan’s date, instead, is one that guarantees that Ivan’s testicles will retreat so far into his body they may never reemerge.

Climbing into two baths of ice water – a Cialis commercial meets advanced interrogation techniques – Tayshia and Ivan put their mouths on each other’s mouths for six and a half minutes straight. They break the world record for both the long, coldest kiss and for longest kiss with the fewest combined number of remaining toes.

Later, at dinner, Ivan tells Tayshia that he is falling for her, and Tayshia invites him to spend the night with her in the Fantasy Suite. Hopefully Ivan’s idea of fantasy is a redneck-chic Airstream on the property of a luxury resort, because that’s where he gets to take Tayshia and – how should I say this? – recreationalize his vehicle.

Zac C’s One-On-One

Borrowing from one of last Paradise’s more memorable sexytime dates, Tayshia and Zac spend the afternoon covering each other in paint, rolling around on a canvas, and eventually making out with such ferocity they both blend into a sickly shade of Pepto Bismol.

Later, after showers and booster shots for their inevitable urinary tract infections, Zac and Tayshia discuss a few important topics. “Your mom told me you don’t want kids even though I already told you I wanted five kids,” Tayshia questions. “Of course I want five kids,” responds Zac, simultaneously eyeing the Fantasy Suite envelop on the table and double checking the handful of titanium condoms in his pocket.  

When Zac tells Tayshia she loves him, she squeals and declares that she loves him too – not falling in love, but fully fallen. The two then retreat to their Fantasy Suite to, um, spray-paint the basement.

Brendan’s One-On-One

While the other boys got to break Guinness world records and dry hump in technicolor, Brendan gets to try on symbolic objects of permanence. He tries his best to mask the panic threating to suffocate him at any moment while Tayshia gleefully tries on the biggest engagement rings that ABC can buy and Neil Lane adorably relishes in just being part of the gang.

Later, under the twinkly light dinner tree of doom, Brendan confesses that he is not ready to sign onto his next divorce by rushing into an engagement with the second girl he’s dated at this La Quinta.

Brendan leaves to go pack up his turtleneck in his suitcase, and that’s not even a euphemism.

Ben’s… One-On-One?

Mere moments before her Rose Ceremony, Tayshia is confronted with a visitor and a déjà vu.

I understand the vitriol I will invite by making this comparison, but these is the facts: Ben standing at Tayshia’s door is just Bennett standing at Tayshia’s door with more childlike innocence in his eyes and less savings in his 401k.

Ben admits to Tayshia that the heat of the desert, the tightness of his pants, and the pressure from Top Chef Antonia Losafo had all combined to short out his brain, and he forgot to tell Tayshia he loved her and wanted to spend eternity in her presence.

Before responding, Tayshia takes a moment to disappear behind the producers’ curtain to ask advice from the people who make a living putting her in perilous situations.

Until tomorrow!

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelorette Week Ten Part Two aka La Quintowns

Here’s What Happened Tuesday

Four onsite dates in the desert heat to test the integrity of Tayshia’s final four relationships, two nieces, one celebrity chef. It’s non-hometown Hometowns.

Revelations

Traditionally, the Bachelorette’s final four boyfriends invite her to their respective hometowns and intentionally take her to bars where they know the popular kids from high school will still be hanging out so they can show off their reality television girlfriend and in a “look at me now” fashion.

But because we are living in the Dark Times, Hometowns must come to the boys by way of tangentially relevant themes on resort property.

When Chris Harrison informs the men of which family members are currently in quarantine waiting to see them, Ben comments that he would cry if he could.

Brendan then cries, right in Ben’s face.

This should go smoothly.

Brendan’s Hometown: Carnival Near A Tree

Brendan’s brother and sister-in-law opt into makeshift Hometowns in the 120-degree desert heat in the hopes that they might get a single goddamn minute to themselves for the first time all year.

While mom and dad are “napping,” Brendan and Tayshia get to babysit Brendan’s twelve-year-old niece, Aliyah. Carnival games are set up under the shade of a tree, which hardly offsets the danger of child heat stroke.

Later, Brendan introduces Tayshia to Daniel, Brendan’s older brother and lifelong hero, and Christine, Daniel’s wife who takes up way too much of Daniel’s attention for Brendan’s liking.

Brendan suffers a mild existential crisis at the introduction of people from his real life to his non-reality plague bubble girlfriend. It may also be heat stroke.

Zac’s Hometown: New York a la Flinstones

Tayshia mentioned New York City once, and one of the producers did set design for West Side Story in high school once, so by that math the logical theme for this date is a cardboard cutout taxi that transports Zac and Tayshia from one vaguely NYC-related activity to the next.

Zac and Tayshia judge each other’s cab-hailing techniques and bagel choices while sweating through their clothes. Eventually they ditch the theme entirely and jump into a nearby fountain to bring their core body temperatures back to non-critical levels.

Zac’s family is exactly my favorite kind of Hometowns family: the kind who absolutely hates it. Zac’s brother and father find the nicest ways possible to ask Tayshia if she is a treacherous whore, but they also must admit that she’s at least a treacherous whore who makes their baby boy smile.

Ivan’s Hometown: Chris Harrison’s Kitchen Suite

An indoor date! Ivan and Tayshia prepare niece Kehlani’s recipe for lumpia. Not surprisingly, considering it was written by a five-year-old, the recipe is inedible.

Later we meet Ivan’s parents, who are impossibly cute. His mother is wearing the same dress as Tayshia and is deeply suspicious of any breathing female who comes within fourteen feet of her son. Her father is quiet but emotionally open, and secretly relishes their bond over a shared scandalous divorcée past.

The plot twist really lands when Ivan’s brother Gabriel shows up: the tatted, bad boy version of Ivan. Without a second thought Tayshia jumps on the back of his hog, wraps her arms around his floral button-down, and drives off with him into the sunset.

Ben’s Hometown: Several Sidewalks

Ben takes Tayshia to the captivity version of Venice Beach: cruising in someone’s old rollerblades, taking turmeric shots out of crunchy obligation, buying overpriced sweatshop sunglasses, dipping in an STD-ridden pool.

Later, Tayshia gets to meet Ben’s girl gang: his sister Madeline and (somehow casually unmentioned) Top Chef Antonia Lofaso.

While Tayshia is elsewhere asking if Ben is just a guarded mystery at default (per Madeline, yes), Ben is speaking to Top Chef Antonia Lofaso about the concept of love.

“YOU LOVE HER,” Top Chef Antonia Lofaso screams at Ben. “I’m in love with her!” Ben confirms, stunned that she baked the feelings right into him.

After several repetitions of practice saying the words, when it comes time to say “I love you” to Tayshia, Ben panics and flees.

The Rose Ceremony

Tayshia is disappointed that it is already thirteen days into their relationship and she has not yet heard a declaration of love yet from Ben. (It’s there! Just trapped inside him!) She decides Ben’s celebrity cameo was not enough to earn him a rose.

Taking him outside, Tayshia asks Ben to blink twice if he’s registering any emotion. Ben stares and mumbles a few disjointed syllables before finding himself loaded into the go home mobile, his body to be dropped off in the desert and devoured by vultures per Bachelorette elimination protocol.

This will not be the end for our sweet Ben. We will see a reassuring emotional maturity in Paradise before one more heartbreak and eventual casting as the post-Matt James Bachelor.

Until then: Fantasy Suites, where Tayshia gets to test drive her three remaining WAPtions. (I’m sorry)

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelorette Week Seven aka Reality on TV

Here’s What Happened Tuesday

A glimmer of real conversation about the most pressing issues in American society by two Black cast members of a historically all-white show… followed by an orgasm sounds competition because this is still The Bachelorette.

The First Group Date

The group date is fundamentally a qualifying round for the real one-on-one date. The men must write and perform songs for Tayshia’s attention, proving that they are both confident and literate.

Bennett feels confident in his abilities, citing that he had “spit some flow for some of his high school buddies over retreats” in the past, and we are left to wonder if “retreats” are what the rich call rehab.

None of the people who you may think would have an edge on musical ability – the Soul Cycle instructor, the boy band manager – have any advantage over the people who shouldn’t.

With an equal playing field of cringe to compete on, Ivan the aeronautical engineer wins the one-on-one.

Ivan’s One-On-One

Let us acknowledge up front: Tayshia and Ivan’s one-on-one breaks every rule in the Bachelorverse handbook.

Instead of a spa day in the mountains of Thailand or a helicopter ride over the rainforests of Costa Rice, Tayshia and Ivan have a is fourth grade slumber party in her hotel room. They destroy the furniture playing True American, partake in a pillow fight with sacks of loose feathers, and even attempt to play Twister without stretching first.

Instead of being served a five-course meal in a candle-lit cathedral, they order a four-gallon sundae and actually take bites. We have never before seen The Bachelorette eat food.

And, most significantly, they opt out of the standard, superficial date conversation typical of self-delusional fairyland of The Bachelorette and instead, we watch two Black Americans discuss George Floyd, police brutality, Black Lives Matter, and Covid, almost as if life actually exists outside the La Quinta.

The Second Group Date

The longer this season goes, the more of a stretch each date becomes. This time, Tayshia brings on Becca Kufrin and Sydney Lotuaco to lead the men through a series of challenges designed in some producer’s fever dreams.

Each pair must chug smoothies made of cow intestines, obtain Chris Harrison’s John Hancock on their Jake Butt, and broadcast orgasm noises into the resort’s speaker system. Why not.

Lastly, the men must eat hot peppers before practice-proposing to Tayshia. It seems just as ill-advised to make white men try to pronounce the word “habanero” as it is to encourage a challenge that induces coughing in the time of Covid.

Later, at Booze Date, Bennett reveals that his proposal was real and that they are now legally engaged, Demar tells Tayshia (a divorcée) that he’s terrified of divorce, and Zach gets in the hot tub and lets his hairy chest do all the talking. Zach gets the rose.

Conversational Booty Calls

Ben and Ed concoct simultaneous plans to go to Tayshia’s room and express their feelings, which is typically what men are after when they show up at a woman’s door at 2:30am.

Ed, the man with the neck and relative personality of a buffalo, is conveniently sent to Chris Harrison’s room instead for some whiskey, and we can only assume, fatherly mentorship.

Ben, the Army vet, says, “I haven’t done a secret mission in years” in what strikes me as a slightly hyperbolic war comparison to walking to a girl’s hotel room.

At her room, Ben apologizes for not claiming time at the previous date and Tayshia indicates that Ben should work harder to “show up.” Before he has the chance to, a room service delivery man literally shows up and Ben is upstaged yet again.

The Rose Ceremony

After some time to process, it becomes clear that Ben takes “showing up” to mean that he should appear at random as frequently as possible.

Noah takes it to mean “arrive and incite rage.” Dressed in all black and too few buttons done, Noah suggests to Tayshia that the men all assume the worst in her. Operating on false information, Tayshia reams the guys and cancels the remainder of the cocktail party.

The men confront Noah for his malevolence. Bennett accuses Noah of being a 14-year-old and then of needing to be breastfed. I am too concerned with the thought of Bennett breastfeeding a 14-year-old to unpack the intended meaning of that metaphor.

Roses are given to all but Kenny, Chasen, Jordan, and – unjustly – Dr. Joe. And by the scathing looks of the remaining men, this will be Noah’s last night with the current configuration of his face.

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelorette Week Six aka A Grown Ass Man

Here’s What Happened Tuesday

Fom the shadows of complete obscurity emerges Ed, whose slender lower body becomes the target of impassioned rage from Chasen, a man with the intellectual fortitude of a waffle cone. It’s an odd week on The Bachelorette, but one with all the familiar trappings of cocktail parties and oiled-down shirtless dudes.

The First Group Date

Living Bachelor franchise redemption story Jared and Ashley I arrive at the La Quinta to analyze the skills of manhood needed to satisfy our archaic notions of patriarchal standards. But, perplexingly, because the Grown Ass Man challenges are basic algebra, vocabulary quizzes, and tug-of-war games, we can assume that the skills of Grown-Assedness can be achieved by the age of twelve.

Bennett, a Managing Director at a wealth management firm who is responsible for people’s financial assets, proves he cannot do basic math. He can, however, deliver a beignet in a bathrobe. He wins the Grown Ass Man award.

Ed is the least Grown Ass Man, thus earning the title of Man Child. This carries the punishment of being given an additional baby, even though he was basically just crowned a baby. This entire date is a good reminder not to look for logic where there is none.

The First Group Date (Booze Time)

While Tayshia is setting off a super-spreader event of oral herpes out on the patio, the others bicker on the drama couch.

Chasen is at the heart of the arguments. He criticizes Bennett’s eveningwear bathroom. He insults Ed’s chicken legs, right in front of Ed’s fake baby. Ed, a man who could play Joey Fatone’s drunk cousin in a bad mob movie, goes and tells Tayshia that Chasen is only there for the Instagram followers.

Tayshia is shocked by this revelation, not because someone would only be on the show for Instagram followers, but that they would so blatantly break that sacred fourth wall.

Ultimately, she gives the rose to Ivan, the aeronautical engineer who fed her blindfolded strawberries and then his own mouth. Army vet Ben in the wide-neck shirt considers this a personal failure.

The Rose Ceremony

Chasen addresses the men prior to the cocktail party and continues to posture as California’s failed idea of an alpha male. He notes that Tayshia is a “smoke show,” a term he most certainly learned from the internet’s indoctrination camp for frat boys and misogynistic teenagers, Barstool Sports.

Tayshia, frankly, has little patience for any interaction that doesn’t involve tongue at this point. She listens to Ed whine, then to Chasen whine, then tells them to go work it out amongst themselves and send in someone shirtless.

Words are exchanged. Nothing is resolved. Ed’s SAT scores from twenty years ago are discussed in detail. Both get a rose.

The Second Group Date

Somewhere behind the scenes, a producer with an unquenchable bloodlust decides that now would be a great time to schedule the violence-themed group date: actual cage fighting.

While folks like Dr. Joe are just there to have a good time and folks like Brendan are just trying to not die, they are only the warmup act for the heavyweight title match between Chasen and Ed. Ed, however, requests a medical pass from Chris Harrison, citing arms that pop off at random like a Mr. Potato Head doll.

Mustache Noah, the kind of crazy who needs to get hit to feel something, jumps in the cage to fight Chasen in his jeans instead.

The Second Group Date (Booze Time)

Noah’s act of bravery (which some would consider psychopathy) earns him a surprise invitation to the private after party portion of the date. He takes advantage, whisking Tayshia away to the back patio only to learn that she hates his beloved mustache.

He leaves to retrieve his clippers and returns to find Jordan explaining to Tayshia that Leos are characteristically known for their unwavering loyalty. Noah mercifully interrupts and gives Tayshia an opportunity to shave off his face ferret once and for all.

This earns Noah the group date rose, a target on his back, and a babyface he can’t bear to look at in the mirror anymore.

[celebsofworldblog]

CLARE CRAWLEY at 2022 Iheartradio Wango Tango in Carson 06/04/2022

CLARE CRAWLEY at 2022 Iheartradio Wango Tango in Carson 06/04/2022 <a href="https://www.celebsofworld.com/2022/06/clare-crawley-at-2022-iheartradio-wango-tango-in-carson-06-04-2022.html?feed_id=57142">https://www.celebsofworld.com/2022/06/clare-crawley-at-2022-iheartradio-wango-tango-in-carson-06-04-2022.html?feed_id=57142</a>

CLARE CRAWLEY at 2022 Iheartradio Wango Tango in Carson 06/04/2022 https://www.celebsofworld.com/2022/06/clare-crawley-at-2022-iheartradio-wango-tango-in-carson-06-04-2022.html?feed_id=57142