[This was something I wrote when I identified as stargender and lichtgender.]
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Over these past weeks, I’ve had a lot of time to think about things—especially about my gender identity.
At some point, I stumbled upon the concept of stargender and became quite reflective about why I never felt comfortable identifying with the label, even though I fit one of its definitions. I think I was afraid to acknowledge that, in the end, my gender is so confusing and unknown to me that I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is. I am not a woman, not a man, not a combination of both, not a neutral-gendered person, nor agender. I have a gender. I just have no idea what the hell it is.
My gender is unknown to me. As unknown as the gender of a star.
It is also bright and hard to ignore, just like a giant ball of light suspended in the air.
I had never questioned being lichtgender before, and I had never seen my gender from this perspective, but when I realized it, I felt an overwhelming euphoria, almost impossible to describe. I think I spent so much time trying to find the perfect label—one that would describe me flawlessly—that I forgot to listen to myself.
Interestingly, I also tried to imagine how vast my gender was, and I suddenly thought of a whale. I even coined the term whalegender to describe this experience, but now I realize that it no longer represents how I feel. But who knows? Maybe things will be different in the future.
For now, I’ve decided not to put too much pressure on myself to figure out every possible detail about my gender identity (not even sure if that’s possible).