under stars
that feel as far as
especially if i just change aim
dig deep, drain soon as i wake up
from sleep, or conscious nap..
long ass roads
that really dont have
a little more conscious..
‘cause by the time
it's time to remember
once was' just can’t keep up
i once was in less pieces,
&I at least, once,
knew peace, but didn’t know it,
more than likely still do
contemplating, mind rages
sharp,
wind
wrapping
body.
daydreamin way thru life.
cause I thought I had what i needed.
or what I had was mine to keep.
i need a little more somethin
a little more new, more original
stop cliches, tropes,& archetypes in general
repetition equals learning, well i'll just lurn-less
beg to differ, by beggin questions, even when forced to tread slow,&only do so in head.
ephemeral glimpses of outside-nighttime-world,
through blinds in bed, as a child to now, still just as far from.
feelin nothing like how I do now.
so it just must be my brain's capacity for trust shrank.
& elaborates time taken for to cross neural pathways,
not get lost, and make it back safe
save, all at the same time, while i attempt to ignore age
pay mind solely to the idea i can do, &I don't have to prove.
to become honest, so potential growth is optimum
to be one with me, and know I can't ever be anything but
and no idea is ever done, no matter finished, no grey matter greyer,
no more dr. bender's, no more directions, no more winners,
reflect on self, &what it means-to be better, i deflect defects w/ skylark teeth,
that all the world and creation in it,
no life was ever finished
nobody wants to give it up,but we learn to
and as a consequence
return to world what we wish
to see beyond our existence
to find trust again
love again
feel again
believe again
hurry up, clock's tickin
get it, grind
look and find
get inspired
go inspire
go perspire
run a mile
two
three
four
gotta go for it
gotta get better,
never listen
only instrumentalz
for me
in a room
aspire to be able to define my every rhyme and reason behind thoughts had,
itchin to stay consistent, keep on writing and don't worry about why, keep on filing tomes of dreams, ordering guides to self, from one idea to a whole library of shit I did,
"oh, damn kid, you wrote that?"
conversations that I have in my head
an elixir, a pensive remedy
for when I feel reluctant toward
it's really just the people around me
that I trusted, busted ass for, gave up past for
filled up gigabytes, sticky notes, notepads for
designed a whole world for,
put off parties, friends, a part of me I never gave a chance for.
became an outcast for.
put on mask for.
to be compared and not contrasted
warned and not encouraged
critiqued but not heard
to tell, create a story and not give a damn about glory.
although i worry how i come off..sometimes..
change style time after time for some time, now..
to boost own confidence, own own ego; inflate like raft, & float to shore,
common ground with action &
how I'm amounting in life.
im just climbing up invisible
but i don't let it make or break me,
but no more ,& nowit's just me.
on how im a mountain lion to moles tryna troll, but
most the time, tho
I'm...focused
on settling score with where
I've failed
& failed to
respond to
failure well
of initiative,
hung to anger
in orbit
around regret towards doors left unopened,
words unspoken to people gone, that could've changed life, if only
They could hear these thoughts.. if
only I had someone to talk to besides myself, & people that talk to high-five themselves; given approval never sought, advice for battles
never fought,
in a room for most of youth, stuck in head, so much to see, explore lore of stories never written, so much done even before i decided to pick pen
up, before i decided I was ready for commitment
decisions in head turn to an every 5 minute thing,
stuck in holes
deeper than before
tell-tale signs around sub-subconscious
that Im chasin nothin..
summon what's already there
a mirror image of miracle from thinnest air
from holes put in life for pride in pages of jumbled thoughts
gaps in memories for drafts that define ironic,
describing fine lines I believe are there, in thinnest mirror, between me and experience in eyes that remind me
i am less, i am more
i am worse, i am better
everything in between all and nothing, not objective, but an object capable of observation,
own purpose assigned no more worth than yours, no more than I have dealt my self
chances missed to live for product tossed or lost in the end
x's & lines through a mind confused,
backspaces
scribbles
procrastinating daily, delaying the inevitable,
staring at..
...coffee steam
and letters linked in ink curves and ink in nerves
on nights only sleep's deferred
as vivid as yesterdays and scenes in head of tomorrows
mixed in with skips in consciousness
obvious options almost always missed
second guesses linger in gut like wtf
what the fuck am i doing everyday,
if I don't contribute to future
to believe, or not to believe i was in control of will was the whole problem
let go of all it
hone on goals. fly low, that is...
as far a stretch as breath of desire to contribute to the world
believing if chance exists, i will succeed
I will fulfill promises thru notepads & audience
seems all I've done is try, it seems to try isnt good enough, seems what they want from me wasn't what I was told they want, which is for me to want from me & instead what they want to see is what they want to see
me to become this and not my own, no matter how many hours spent, no matter the font, text, or etiquette formed to gain attention, but apparently a proper use of improper use of prose prospered overtime & i kept my posture, keep me from losing self, going crazy, letting people make me think something's not okay, or wrong with me, or out of whack off top, not taken seriously
priorities of the majority of society made it difficult to captivate eyes, and garner respect, because of conflictive internal contradictions to set out for what I thought was spreading message, but was embedding judgment of self, & effort, looking at motives that been made a home in heart like they suspect, but they was who fucked with me when I wouldn't even fuck with me, wanna be someone else, something else, like what you want clave?
psh, nnn’eh, thinking I was good enough to be taken seriously ..
thinking there was nothing to do, but to do, but something changed course, one day,
thinking that I was right behind, could just lift up arm and touch
but that wasn't the case, ever, constant race
couldn't hold on, couldn't hide the pain to psyche out greatest opponent, me
didn't want to, saw no point
repeating and repeating,
over and again
so on and so forth, thus forth destroying self
convinced I couldn't help it
and still am
accept I ever gave in,
broke under pressure,
buckled under what some would chuckle over, no pity, just recognition of
jimity's petition to push when pushed, with thoughts into written gale force,
in a position to always hope, so when foundation crumbles, there's another one up under
if not, I use earth to wander.
whether with excess of momentum
or subsiding in subtle realization of sustenance behind life's work
purpose on course
set to find reward I'm told I'm looking for..
