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clive's love language is act of services. in this essay i will—

#clive tag.#i feel like. he's not very good at speaking what he means.... ...#not that he doesn't say it!! !#it's just....#.. his way of loving is just.#edit: oh this was in my drafts. with these tags.. ..... i was onto something.... ...

sometimes i think about young clive. not necessarily ( only ) his fifteen year old self, but his first skip version as well. how i would have wanted someone to grab his shoulders and tell him it's not your fault. it's not your fault. it's not your fault.

#clive tag.#i. was digging in my drafts and i found this and i don't remember how it.. .. came to be but i think about this often actually... ...#the inherent guilt he takes with him his entire life.... ......#how it makes a man feel spoiled and rotten at the very core.#how it didn't start when it was a man but since being a child.#past me was onto something......... ... fuck em tho fr...... .#i feel like to some degree. cid covers some of this.#cid kinda just told him that but never really just plainly and then he was gone too soon.... .

looking back at the balcony scene where clive is young and unaware of whatever is bound to happen, his mannerism is so different to the one of when he's much older. obviously growing up allows one to change in all aspects, but when i look at it, it seems so distant — he looks so much more at ease under the moonlight, sitting on the balcony fence, he's a young boy through and through, his body seems relaxed even with all the responsibilities he carries. but he doesn't seem to sit in the same way anymore or even allow himself any of the similiar stances ( like the one he has when he's letting his arms rest on the balcony ) as he grows old; he actually has some similiar mannerism in the first skip still, when we see him sitting at the campfire, but it's totally gone in his thirties. i do not remember any that would recall him as a boy.

i feel like — it comes out in glimpses, sometimes. if you were to know him as a young boy, and then later on, it would be rare to see it but it's there, still, somewhere. he has completely lost the innocence and naiveté he once had, but he never truly killed the boy. and those moments you can be assured he can feel somewhat safe, or at home. he has built some self protective shield for what he used to be, buried deep within. he feels the same type of protectiveness towards him as if it was joshua; in some ways he can see the similiarities.

#clive tag.#i'm sooo o oo eepy but i.#was rewatching the balcony scene and it made me realize how different he looks from the clive in last skip?#ideally there's always gonna be that young kid inside of you ;#you're always gonna resemble him.#but for him i just. can't see it anymore.#and it's cause he has always lived for everyone but himself.#he doesn't resemble himself anymore.#he picked up pieces along the way —#of a solder ; and then of cid —#he keeps rearranging the pieces to turn into anyone but himself.#a coping mechanism in some way? to not be who he loathes.#( pleathe excuse my lack of tags still ... .. i will come up with them eventually.. .... )

the truth of it all is that if you grow up with clive he will climb into your room through your window. his mother absolutely hates it and wishes on him to fall so that he'd stop doing it. he did fall few times, but it did not stop him at all. sneaky night boy!

#clive tag.#he probably.. . hated staying indoors at night lbr.. ..#lock your windows!!! he's coming to talk to u and hang out!!! !!!!!

i love thinking about modern verse clive and joshua's relationship so much. clive the young emo boy who listens to linkin park and joshua absorbing all his music taste. joshua emulating clive in all he does and likes because that's his big brother, and how cool is he. clive styles joshua's hair growing up, teaches him all that stuff a brother is in charge of. clive teaching joshua how to play games from a very young age and their mother being so upset with him because that's just a waste of time ( it's their favorite hobby nonetheless ). collecting cards? no problem. they will collect together and joshua will excitedly show a very tired clive who is unwinding from work what the duplicates he bought him got him traded at school to complete their collection. eventually clive starts to grow out of those common passions and joshua can tell: he has to focus on ' grown up things ' is what their mother likes to call, but in truth clive is just trying to work his ass off at double shifts and different jobs so that he can finally go live on his own and take joshua with him, away from the suffocating environment. so that they can play as many videogames as they want, stay up looking up guides online, watch cool anime and all of that jazz that clive had to leave behind to grow up fast and protect joshua.

#clive tag.#modern verse tag.#this is vaguely specific because it used to be me with my older brother. :sob:#but they. ♥#also all the bad words joshua knows are because of clive. LMFAOOO —

breathe if you think joshua's first word was clive

#clive tag.#the way i can. see him crying from happiness...... ..#little brothers...... .................................... sighs #my two ( 2 ) babies... .

take this as you will but modern verse clive would know every single piece of lore from dark souls and he will force you to listen to him ramble on about it for 2 hours

#clive tag.#it's been a month almost and i still haven't sat down to write the tags btw.#and i have them pending still. ... i'm. definitely. not a busy person at all. : ^ )#my blog is upsetting me cause it's messy sja;djskd but it's. multimuses. so i gotta deal.. ..#i'm trying to make it look a bit more to my liking.. ... but still. ....#anyways. i luv him.. ...#he'd probably spend so much time playing ds lmfaoooo o o... .#not in a. incel gatekeeper kinda way but. he'd be very enthusiastic to tell you all about the dark lore... ..

do you ever think about how feral clive can be. how raw his anger can become if he lets it get to him. i think he lets it rest for the most part of his life, he doesn't respond actively to it, like i said before — he surrendered to it. but once he regains consciousness over himself, once he's in tune with everything and especially himself, i can feel that feral feeling creeping up and feeling like it cannot be pushed aside anymore.

#clive tag.#like i know he's kind. and the gentleness is all he has even in times of war and .. .. uncertainty.. .#but i think. he also has very little self control.#and i think even when he decides to let it wash over him on purpose ;#it's still. .. sitting there.. .#am i making sense i'm eepy !! ! !#he's.. . equally feral and kind.. . raw and tender.. .#like the gentleness and the anger all pour from the same place.

#clive tag.

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