#clockrant

[clockworkspider]

I think I had someone tell me in an argument that fanfiction is about shipping and if I'm not comfortable with that then find something else. And like, as ironic as that was to say to me, a slash writer, I do vividly recall a time when most fics I read just weren't shipping. They weren't even character studies. The most popular fanfic genres known to me were parodies and crossovers, like putting the characters in another series for humorous effect. Making Prince of Tennis guys use their crazy tennis powers to fight crime. Putting Goku in Hogwarts with his exact power just to completely wreck the setting. Fics where this super smart character goes into another setting and totally pwns everyone. Whatever. There were also just a lot of "what if this other character was the chosen one?" type canon-divergencs. A lot of projected endings to shonens that never seem to end. Whack stuff like Harry Potter Becomes a Communist (honestly I never read that one just know it is (in)famous).

I feel like the shift of fanfiction is for shipping has actually stifled creativity and diversity of work in the fandom a lot. And it might be true that it's always been shipping, but non-shipping works weren't even at the periphery, esp for works with younger audience. And like, at least for me, who do enjoy gen work a lot, I always found the idea of "transformative fandom is for women and queers and women like shipping and men are interested in curative fandom" to be really stifling.

But with the move to ao3, which did start with slash focused audience from LJ, the segregation between the shipping part of the fandom and the non-shipping part kinda happened naturally. And I don't begrudge that at all. But really quickly the non-shipping transformative work kinda faded from our view and our community. And if you're women or queer and belongs in one half of the community you kinda just accept that fanfiction is about shipping, always have been.

A lot of times when I say gen fics people think fics focused on platonic relationships when fanfiction doesn't have to be character focused at all. There are fics that are just there to push the limit of the setting in ways canon never did. Fics can also be power fantasies. They can be thought experiments. They can be ways to air out certain philosophies/world views.

anyway. Idk. Sometimes I have more in common with straight guys when it comes to taste in fiction and wanna see that in fandom again but without having to hang out in straight guy dominant space, ya know?

[clockworkspider]

For the longest time I never even considered it was possible for me to be arospec until I actually started dating. This is because when people identify as Aro they commonly define it as being "having no desire for romantic relationship" and "having no romantic feelings". And like:

I want(ed) a "romantic relationship".

The way I talk about friendship has been described as super romantic by close friends

One friend even describe me as hyper-romantic

And then once when I was describing my dating difficulties with a friend and was talking about how I wouldn't really develop feelings for a person until I know them pretty well and there's just no way of knowing within 20 dates which makes it into a high pressure situation if the other person already feels attracted towards me and wanna know if I reciprocate.

And she was like "that's cause you're demiromantic". And I didn't immediately say "that's not a thing" cause I thought I was demisexual. I didn't think anyone had romantic attraction to people they didn't know well cause, like, no one wanna marry a stranger even if they find them hot.

But then I start thinking and I think kids do experience crushes on each other without even considering naughty things. Also people describe the butterfly in stomach and that seems a bit different from horny but also different from how I experience yearning. Maybe there's something to it. Maybe romantic attraction is real??

And like. For 6+ years (back then) I knew about the existence of Aro people and every one of them I knew prior were like "I don't want a romantic relationship!!" And "no romance!!" which were not really statements I can relate to.

Even now I still think... like, there's the way people self-identify and the actual definition of a term. It is still hard for me to identify as arospec as someone who longs for a soulmate (ie. a confidante/知己, a concept that isn't strictly tied to exclusivity but is defined by deep connection/understanding).

[clockworkspider]

Coming from someone who went from a fashion hater to a slut for clothes, I think the one thing that flipped my view was I had a phase where instead of trying to look good or dress "right", I instead viewed my body as a canvas for abstract decorative art.

Cause I think a lot of times people approach dressing themselves with a image of how they want themselves to look, and that's often like the people in ads, or on TV, or just better looking than ourselves, and then we get disappointed when we don't look like that.

There's a lot of helpful tips on dressing right that's like "what to wear if you're a pear body shape/apple body shape/dark/pale/tall/short", but that kind of advice still focus on the body and it feels bad to be told you shouldn't wear what you wanna wear cause it'd be unflattering.

But like, when you're painting an abstract, a lot of times you have a vague idea of form/concept, but you gotta kinda adjust it along the way. And a lot of times you just put a few colors down and let your palette guide you. And the final product is a little surprise. And the result doesn't have to be super original sometimes it's just mid but you've tried something and that's neat.

So for clothes, right? I could just pick out the most interesting looking article of clothing from a clothing exchange that fits me and think "okay how do I make this work in an office setting?" Or grab two random articles from your closet like "can I make this bowtie work with a sundress?" And pretty soon I'm tying my scarf into a huge bow and trying to alter my silhouette based on shape of my cloth. And while you're doing that you're paying attention to forms and color and how they interact with your body. And you'll slowly get to know the form of your body and what you're comfortable seeing on it.

And like, I think it also helps since it kinda de-couples your appearance from your identity a bit. Like actually my appearance don't have to reflect who I am. That kind takes the pressure off.

[clockworkspider]

Your youth is never wasted. Whether you spent it fucking around or studying for a degree you no longer want, whether you spent the time partying or struggling with mental health issues, whether you were following the rules or getting in trouble.

There are better and worse decisions, and sometimes we regret our decisions when it doesn't turn out the way we expect, or when the sunk cost fallacy hits. But there is no definitive value to your time, a year at age 15 has 365 days just as a year will have in age 50. Your 15th year will be more formative than your 50th, but it's not made of gold.

Your youth are the years you learn how to be a person as well as what kind of person you wanna be. And sometimes that involves changing perspective. Sometimes that invalidates your previous way of life. But you lived those year, you had to live them to find out.

It's also never too late to do the things you wanted to do tomorrow. Party in your 50s, start a new degree at 40, find love after retirement.

[clockworkspider]

There's this phenomenon i witness often which I call the Anti-Veganism Kneejerk, where whenever someone tries to present an option as virtuous, some people act like they're being forced to adopt the proposed method. This isn't limited to veganism it's just where i see it most often.

Like... if you ever talk about the importance of bike lanes for safety of bikers some drivers act like you're taking away their car. When a burger place offers new vegan option some people will make exaggerated motions to stop eating there even tho the meat option still exist.

The other day i saw someone react to uniqlo announcing their new reusable period pads with "menstrating is already a painful experience stop asking women to save the world during our most vulnerable time". But like, uniqlo isn't asking you to do anything. Uniqlo is just offering a new commercial product because there's an existing demand. It's just like a new jacket. You don't gotta buy it. But because they framed it as environmentally friendly now some people feel like they're being shamed for using single used pads.

I mostly find it exhausting, but I kinda get the psychology behind it.

[clockworkspider]

To a lot of folks it doesn't matter if ai slop would never be art because they're not looking for art. They're looking for media/entertainment as distraction, things to engage the senses and pass the time.

The AI generated songs sounds good if you simply think of music as pleasant noise to fill the silence and you prefer certain quality/style of noise over others. AI video/images can be art as long as they look good enough if you simply think of art as things beautiful/engaging to look at.

It's all porn. It's all stimulation. There's so much entertainment we forgot about connection and meaning-making. It didn't start with genAI.

Sometimes i do find myself consuming media just to pass the time and, like, wasting time is great but if that's the end goal then all i am doing is killing myself slowly.

[clockworkspider]

I love financial/corporate/legal dramas. This is funny as i began to realize this overlaps with none of my irl friends.

There was this play called Rogers v. Rogers in Toronto, about the Rogers-Shaw merger and subsequent family implosion. None of my friends wanted to watch it with me 😂. I have bank coworkers but none of them are theatre ppl as far as i know. (I saw it and it was really good. They're doing a rerun this year, trying to pitch it to friends who nodded along with good humor.)

That's when i'm like "oh the prospect about a live play about the biggest merger in recent Canadian history doesn't automatically sound exciting to you guys"

[clockworkspider]

I think a lot of games/VNs try to be inclusive by allowing romance to be optional, but because romance is still designed to be the ultimate stage of the character relationship development, when you forgo it altogether you just get less content. Like the character invite you on a date, and if you turn them down you get no date but you don't get a platonic hang out CG either. Or if there's an ending segment about who you marry and your life together after, and if you don't romance anyone you simply forego that whole segment.

And like... that's fine. If I invite someone out for a date I wouldn't necessarily wanna just hang out as friends right after if they turned me down. Sometimes you just get less optional content and still get a pretty good experience, like you don't have to collect all the rocks either.

But like, sometimes when I look up the tag of choice matters games/VNs where I didn't feel like romancing any of the characters, I realize everyone else has been playing a whole different game that's much richer than mine.

I remember there's this one interactive story where early in the game you get a dialogue option where you choose if you're into guy or girl or both or neither, and I chose neither. And then plot happen, you get into danger, you use your wits to get out, etc. etc. And as I was following the development/fandom I was confused on how much more content the game seem to have cause afaik I've made it to the latest chapter and I've barely known any of the characters.

In this case I'd much preferred if the game just forced me into some romance so I still get to experience the characters rather than just having significantly less content. I'm not gonna be like "I played a dating sim and they forced me to date characters boohoo", but if romance is a core part of your writing and the alternative is just nothingburger you probably shouldn't even offer that as an option...

Also, honestly, I'd really like to see more games give you platonic companionship endings as alternative to marriage endings. Just in general. I think it'd be neat.