Let’s talk about April Stevens, the first character that gave me to think a lot in ages, probably. I’ve been where she is, I’ve been her, I’ve been in the closet for so long, scared and alone that is still burning in my heart. The anger, the fear are just too big and they don’t give you any peace. And you can cry the shit out of yourself, it just doesn’t go away. I’ve been and I’m still her, with problems at home and among a society that sees only what it needs to be seen and loves you just as long as you’re like everybody else.
I may have gone far from where I started, but I’m still stuck somewhere in the middle and sometimes I also got back just at the very beginning of the road. It’s not something that just, you know, goes away. It changes you so deeply, it leaves this rage inside of you and you can’t help it, sometimes it pops out from nowhere. You look bitter without any reason but God knows how many unspoken reasons you do have. You do not come too closer to anyone, knowing that some of them could just leave you if they knew. And then there’s the urge to run away to be yourself.
I’m out and proud with my family and some friends, but I’m not out and proud with everyone, because when you grow in fear it doesn’t really go away. I’ve seen so many tv-characters being confident with themselves, lately, that I hadn’t actually even thought anymore I could just be in need of one who wasn’t still. You can be confident with yourself but not around anybody else. It all came back to me.
A few years ago kids had Santana Lopez (bless her always), but nowdays things were kinda of normalized so the necessity of displaying that specific fear and anger just faded away on tv. But reality isn’t really made of rainbows and there are places and kids that need to know their fear and their anger is welcome and understandable and that won’t ever really go away, but THAT’S OKAY. We’ve all had our journey with it and sometimes I just forget lot of ppl are still on that track and honestly if I still have no idea of where I’ve been in my life rn without Naya’s Santana, I’m more than glad in knowing someone else, somewhere else, has Devon’s April to show them it’s okay to be afraid. You can be in the closet a little longer if you think it’s safer. It’s okay if you still have to find your place. It’s okay to take it slow. We all need our time and acceptance it’s never easy. (I’m so glad I’ve seen TBH, it just reminded me of something really important)