#cmsw

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

Sigh

I know my job isn’t bad. But here I am drunk alone at 730pm on a Wednesday

Is this a relapse?

I’m feeling a loss of self. I barely felt like myself over the last few years, but this is the furthest I’ve felt.

Also can’t say I’ve made any friends at work despite trying. I feel rather alone. Like at work, I’m just trying to make it through the day. No one knows who I am. I just float invisibly through the hall. I come home and I’m trying to find my place here. With my husbands ex wife/best friend and her intense wife. And I relate to the wife on so many levels, but all her worst traits. And it’s like this horrible mirror that I can only tolerate when she isn’t being horrible to her wife, my husbands ex wife.

My therapist, an intern, is only in the office Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and I’m only off on 2 Tuesdays.

And the ex wife/best friend told me to drink their liquor because it’s taking up space because they don’t drink. She doesn’t know I’ve ever had a drinking problem. And I haven’t been drinking it much. Here and there. But I’m out of my wine and probably about to take a couple shots

And I don’t know why. Feeling drunk makes none of it matter.

I feel dramatic.

today wasn’t a bad day. I learned that I kind of like using the video interpreter with Spanish clients.

M found me a bunch of jobs to apply to. One that’s working with homeless adults 18-24 which is my preferred age. I’ll get the mental health/addiction clients which is my preferred population.

I’m going to apply this weekend. It’ll be a large pay cut from This, but I just think my skills Are so much better suited with my feet on the ground. In the blood sweat and tears of my clients. And I hated coming home carrying their burdens and it’s hard to unload and not let it affect me and not feel guilty that I come home to a house and they sleep outside, but I think that’s when I felt the most Alive. Like I was making a difference with my clients who cared to listen to me and planting seeds with the clients who weren’t ready and really seeing the clients who were genuinely content with their life. That’s where I want to be.

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

I’m on day 17 (not including weekends) of work and still not liking the job.

Other than my very first social work job, it’s never taken me this long to warm up to a job. The more I understand it, the less I like it.

I have therapy in a couple weeks and I’m going to process some more there. I told myself I’d reevaluate after I finish the training. Sept 11 will be my first non-training day.

What follows under the cut is a bunch of processing about what I like and don’t like.

I’m conflicted because I feel like I should give it more time and also, I still have no idea what I’d do otherwise.

I know that I want to help people and the highest satisfaction I’ve had was when I was working with clients in the community meet random goals. Mostly independent living skills, budgeting, healthy eating, interpersonal skills, and some CBT type work.

This job has none of that and I’m struggling. I’m coming home exhausted, failing to get to bed in time (9pm) and struggling to wake up on time (5am). Any time I have (2 hours) after getting home from work (645pm) goes to preparing for the next day. I am quite literally not feeling fulfilled anywhere.

The job is demanding which is okay and I’ll survive it, but it’s mentally boring. Now, the work itself isn’t boring because there definitely is not time to be bored, but it isn’t fulfilling. I meet with patients and do a quick assessment (5 mins unless they’re talkers). I verify their address, doctor, emergency contacts, insurance, etc. I see if they have trouble with their day to day, if they need transport, and some other random things. 

I then read the physician notes to see if there have been any orders put in (OT, PT, Speech, etc) and set up any aftercare that may come from that (home health care or facilities to help meet those orders once they’re discharged).

The bulk of it is communicating with other agencies. I send referrals through a computer, I talk to them through a computer, I set up transport through a computer, everything is work in the computer.

Every 3 days I check in on the patient to see if anything has changed. I discharge them with the services that have been set up.

There’s nothing related to support services (ie mental health, substance use besides requesting a consult through the computer, budgeting issues, daily living issues outside of health care).

I guess I thought I’d be doing more biopsychosocial assessments and referring to both healthcare Agencies AND community supports. I think I just jumped at the job because it fell into my lap and we had to move and M had gotten a job too.

I thought it would be more hands on with the patients.

Instead, I’m stuck in an office 80% of the day, maybe more. Yes I see the patients when I hand them a list of agencies to choose (I don’t even get to help them choose!) or hand them a list with supports (food banks etc IF they ask). I’m communicating mostly with nurses, healthcare agencies, sometimes doctors.

I never had an interest in hospital work, but the pay was alluring and I just don’t think money is enough For me. I’m money driven, but….I don’t think this much.

There’s definitely perks of the job. The day goes by fast, I’m safe, it’s really not hard once you get the hang of the referral process and how to use their system. Patients typically don’t yell at you (But they def still do)…. I’m sure there’s more.

Im not one to give up. But maybe this setting just isn’t for me?

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

Today sucked.

I am in training still with work and they do have a good training program it seems. My first two days on the job was virtual orientation, then 3 days just shadowing. Then I did 1 week of training (the system we document in and what our role is), and today was my first day training on the floor.

The first unit I shadowed the first week was great. The job itself is a bit overwhelming, but I felt very hopefully about learning it. The workers from the nurses down to the janitors were cheery, chatty, and helpful. My mom has always talked about her “hospital family” and it made me feel hopeful that I would at least like and build bonds with my coworkers.

Today was the polar opposite. I’m very sensitive to energies/vibes and my brain often associates them with different colors. If unit 1 was bright and yellow, todays unit was dark and grey. Zero color. Now, the units look the same, that’s just how my brain is explaining the difference.

From the very beginning of the day, the atmosphere/energy felt heavy. From the nurses station to my office. There’s a new worker there who’s been on the job maybe 2 months and she was pretty miserable. I asked “how are you feeling about the job so far?” She said “….it’s okay…” then my trainer came in and the lead shortly behind her and from the get go, negativity. Complaints about the size of the office, the way the manager ran the department, complaints about the patients etc. They also didn’t like how the new girl did things…but gave zero feedback to her. Just talked shit. And my thing is like…she’s new, she’s still learning, if she’s doing something wrong or inefficiently, TELL HER because you don’t know what you dont know!

I felt very afraid to make mistakes today and ask questions, tho I did both multiple times. I had a “laugh at myself” type of moment and I wish I had kept my mouth shut. I told her and the lead i was feeling nervous about doing an assessment on my own and that I was laughing at myself because my background is mental health social work with really difficult clients. It was met with neither support or laughter. Just rigidness and coldness.

The entire day was pretty much that. The trainer made zero effort to get to know me and she shut down my efforts to get to know her (asking how long she’s worked there, her background, her kids when she brought them up). Her vibe was a little different with the people she knew, but then they just essentially talked down about patients.

I’m in this unit for the next 6 weeks. I cried my entire hour and a half drive home and crying as I write this now.

The job is not the hardest job I’ve ever done (despite feeling like no one is acknowledging the last 10 years of experience I have working with populations people hate working with), but for already not being thrilled about the content, adding crappy coworkers on top of that for the next 6 weeks is making me dread tomorrow with every fiber of my being.

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

It has been a hot minute since I posted anything. I feel like I blinked and almost an entire month passed me by.

M and I moved into his friend/ex’s house. That’s been an adjustment and I’m definitely finding myself triggered a lot. Her relationship with her wife is rough. I’m still waiting on my first check to see what we’ll be making and if this is the right choice after all.

The job is going alright. I’m trying to be patient and wait and see what it’s like. This is only my second week and while I don’t find the job to be hard (at least not once I get more familiar with medical terms), it’s again nothing I am passionate about.

I think the money is gonna be great. They hired me at the highest they are able to pay me, meaning I have the higher end of experience they were requiring. I’ve been in training all this week for their documentation and kind of about my role. There’s not a ton to feel excited about.

My hospital (they have a ton of them) has a psych unit that I’m trying to shadow/train on. My boss said she would see if that can happen. Even then tho, I’m not getting to do any kind of psych support.

I think the paycheck will motivate me to keep pushing through and maybe the lack of satisfaction will push me through the rest of grad school.

I think at this point I’ve had enough experience to see that my passion really lies in the mental health side of social work and I can’t give up here. Hopefully this will serve as another stepping stone to make connections to slip into a job I want. There’s tons of mental health support roles at the hospital, I’m just not credentialed for them at this moment.

However, I did slip in through the back door with this one with my BSW. I’ve yet to meet another. Everyone else is MSW or LCSW. (There’s a couple things I can’t do at the job because I don’t have my masters). But maybe I’ll get lucky and be considered for another role in the future.

For now, I’m trying to be open with M about my feelings with work and our living situation. I’m feeling overall positive, just needing to make time to process my thoughts and feelings again.

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

This is clearly just going to be an emotionally up and down job.

The manager asked me today what my background was before coming here and I said psych/mental health. Because listen, I want the psych patients. They’re a little scary because I feel like there’s an added layer of responsibility because we get a lot of involuntary admissions and have to work hard at finding health care advocates because some are deemed unable to make decisions, but I need to be somewhere I’m more passionate about.

Also I just got my first paycheck. Holy shit. I haven’t even done OT yet.

I know I’m still on the lower end of bachelor degree money but I am sooo close to making what I feel is a comfortable wage.

Hopefully that’s worth the sweat and tears. Today felt better. I’m starting to understand at least 1/2 of the job.

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

Putting my two weeks in tomorrow…very risky as I do not have a job lined up. I do have two interviews on Tuesday and two others who wanted to set up interviews, but that I probably blew because I didn’t have any sooner availability.

I weighed the pros and cons and staying is going to get in the way of any opportunities because I can’t take anymore time off. I’d call out but I’ve called out twice now, including an entire week of missed work due to Covid.

I’m honestly hoping they just let me go tomorrow. What’s the point in continuing another two weeks of training? My two weeks is my final two weeks of training. I wouldn’t mind staying on if I only had to do initial assessments, but the rest of it is honestly too overwhelming for me.

My new psychiatrist denied me psych meds, I forget if I said this already, so I still have nothing helping me do the parts of the job that I am struggling with.

This honestly was an amazing opportunity and I’m grateful for the person who got me connected and I hope it doesn’t damage their relationship, but this just isn’t the job for me. You really have to love fast paced environments that change on the drop of a dime and hours of overtime because that change happens 5 minutes before your shift is over. You have to be really great at switching between several tasks at a time and not forgetting to follow up with what you switched from.

I’m a really great worker, I know I am, but none of this job plays to my strengths. I’ve been told by my coworkers that I do great talking with my patients and the nurses, that I have very thorough documentation, and that I’m being too hard on myself. And while I know that last part is true to an extent, I just can’t see myself surviving after training when I have 20 patients and am expected to do things on my own.

I had 8 patients today and it was so much, too much. My brain just doesn’t work that way.

I have an interview Tuesday with a case management job and I’m hoping it’s what I’m more used to. Long term case management where you spend 3-5 hours a week with a client/family helping them with personal goals (housing, employment, finances, etc). Maybe 4-6 clients a day, but not expected to answer your phone when it rings if you’re with a client. Voicemail, lots of voicemails, but more control over your schedule to set time aside to get to the voicemails and structure the day. Not jumping into “on” mode the second you arrive at work like this job.

I honestly don’t know how I’ll make it another 2 weeks should they want me to stay. I’ve been in a very dark place the last month which I know sounds ridiculous since it’s just a job. But, that’s where I’m at. I’ve had a lot of self harm thoughts and have relapsed a few times with alcohol. I haven’t been able to give any emotional space to M or my friends. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of hope. And I know it’s the depression talking and that it started when I realized this wasn’t the right job for me. I just want to feel like myself again, even if that person isn’t 100% great because I know I struggle with this stuff in general…just not every day like it’s been for the last month.

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

Using today productively now that I finally feel better. I’ve been out for Covid, but they’re not communicating with me about when I can come back to work. I’m not complaining because I hate the job, but it’s pushing my 2 week notice back and definitely showing me more that this job isn’t it. They’re organized, but there’s a lack of uniformity. I got dinged on my audits for doing things I was told to do by my trainer.

I’ve tried twice now to get in touch about clearance to work (but very thankful I haven’t been able to. My bills say differently though because I’m not getting paid while I’m out.) I’m out until they give specific clearance.

M had a second interview that I don’t want to jinx, but I might be able to quit my job this week. My retail interview did not go great, but I guess we will see.

I had my psych appointment and she said she doesn’t think it’s adhd because I haven’t lost a job or friendships over it. I guess dropping out of grad school and trying to quit a job that I can’t handle because of my symptoms just isn’t enough 🙄

Anyway. Things are in movement to get us both in a better place and I’m here for it.