On an episode named "A Fresh Start", Cheng Fei talks about her life on the national team and overcoming injury. Coach Lu is the surprise guest.
Fully translated transcript under the cut.
"I want to read something for you... nowadays, people don't write letters often anymore, huh?"
“Yah, I guess not.”
“Is there anyone who would write to you, like just in everyday life?”
“ummm…”
“At least I haven’t gotten a written letter from anyone in a while. But anyways, I have a letter from your father.
Fei, how are you?
The last time I wrote to you was 20 years ago. After all these years, now that I put my pen down, I feel as if there were too many words to be said, yet I’m unsure of what to say. When you were young, I put you in gymnastics school and was strict about your training, but I hope you’d understand your father—in the beginning, I just wanted you to have a healthy body, and then, I wanted you to not give up and achieve something great.
You left the family at six, seven years old to train in Wuhan, maybe you don’t realize, but your mom and I, we were heartbroken. You were so small, and who wouldn’t want their daughters to stay by their side? Especially when back then, getting around was not so easy, I had to take an eight-hour boat ride every time just to see you, and your mom, she would stay up all night because she was unable to sleep, anxious to hear any news about you.
Now, transportation has gotten so much better, you are in Wuhan, and we are in Huangshi, but we still hope you’d be able to come home often to see us. Because you are an athlete, training and competing everywhere, as your father, I cannot be with you every step of the way as you grew up. I’ve always felt guilty. Now, whenever there’s time and opportunity, I always hope to keep you company. You’ve transitioned into the honorable career path of a teacher, your mom and I are both very happy for you. We hope that you can look back on your experiences and treasure those memories. We also hope that you will be a great teacher; we don’t hope for further glory in terms of your career, only that you complete each task to the best of your abilities.
Your mom and I are both growing old, so we hope you’d find a good husband, one that will be good to you and nothing else really matters; one that will make your life better.
Lastly, I wanted to tell you, I am extremely proud of you from the bottom of my heart.
Love, Dad.“
“He never actually says these things, he only know how to piss me off.”
“So your family is the opposite? That your dad is the one who makes you angry?”
“My family is quite ‘democratic’. When I was young, very young, there were a myriad of reasons. He’d be quite hawkish and telling me that I must do this and that. Then I went to Wuhan, and slowly, and they realized (that I’m growing up), so then they’d say, if there’s something that affects all of us as a family, we will talk about it together, etc. But you see, my dad’s personality—he’s just a big kid. He’s got a good nature, all my friends’ coaches, and friends, all of them, loves him. When I’m in the Wuhan Sports Academy, he’s the main character—the principle, the students, they all have his QQ and social account contacts… I’m just helping him. (laughs)”
“I think your father feels quite guilty—those injuries and unhappiness, all those things that came after, maybe because he sent you to learn gymnastics in the beginning.”
“When I go home I will talk to him about it, it’s not really his fault. I think to walk down any path in life, whether it’s through studying, or something else (like sports), there will always be obstacles and failures. I’m happy that I managed to get over everything.”
“You say get over, so in the past you were very hurt?”
“All of it was before 2008, back then I was in a lot of pain, but at the end, there’s still a good result. So many times that covers up the pain. In 2009, to be honest, back then, I was thinking to just, be done with it. Back in 2008 I was still quite determined, thinking I will persevere for another quad—but even back then, I knew in the bottom of my heart, that that was another four years, four years, to women athletes… that’s such a long time. So, in 2009, I actually didn’t have a lot of pressure in terms of results for World Championships and National Games, it’s just a routine, and after it will be an good conclusion to everything. But, fate will be fate, you know? There were complications. When I was in training, I injured my knee. Basically… how should I describe it… it’s like when you lift your thigh, you have no idea what your leg is doing beneath the knee. So It was impossible to complete, but still, all the pressure from my team and my province, they were all counting on me because I might be the only chance at a gold medal. There’s really nothing I could do, my coach didn’t want to make it worse, so it was in the very early morning of the competition that I withdrew. It’s the first time that… my life just stopped, and I had to deal with that. I didn’t know what to choose for my future.”
“Did you feel like people gave up on you?”
“Not given up by people. I felt like I was given up by the gods. (laughs) When it happens, you are just like, how could this have happened? I just wanted to go through the motions and retire in peace and fate wouldn’t even let me do that. In that moment, I was lost, I didn’t really know what to do. I spent a year feeling like that. I was out of it the entire time, trying to escape. My coach, coach Lu, he said, ‘even though you don’t come into the gym often, but at least you have to let me see you everyday.’”
“In 2012 you were seriously injured, like it was impossible to train anymore, and instead you suddenly felt…”
“Free. Like, I could just, finally, let go. I knew it was inevitable at that point, there was no turning back, this thing, my gymnastics career, I knew for certain that it was impossible. In 2012, the other thing was, after the recovery physically, I wanted to make the comeback because I wanted a goal, something to push me out of that mental state. I wanted to live with a purpose.”
“Currently, do you try to avoid televisions or things that depict the Olympics?”
“I used to. Back in 2008 there was a time where it was… I can’t listen to ‘you and I’ (the theme song of Beijing Olympics), whenever the melody starts I just can’t deal, I get super sentimental. After that, there was a period where I can’t even remember the time when I was preparing and training for 08, like whenever I think back to that time, I start getting anxious. I’d always want to cry. Now, I just think, on the road of life, you have to keep walking forward, and that’s what happened to me. A lot of things, when you can think it through, you’d feel ‘okay, I’ll just keep going’.”
“You really were able to truly let go after 2014, correct?”
“There’s a process. I don’t think it was 14, in 2013 I was already recovering, slowly.”
“Another thing I wanted to talk about—your dad kept saying that he want you to find a good husband. At this age, do you feel…. Well, you’ve never had a boyfriend before, right?”
“Yah, and I was saying that my coach never fulfilled their promise back in the day! (laughs)”
“Are you waiting for them to introduce someone to you? You’ve never met anyone that you admired just in everyday life? Or maybe someone that liked you?”
“Maybe because my personality is kind of… I’m introverted and I like to stay at home, so I mean, I look forward to having a relationship, but it doesn’t mean I need to go out there and… implement it or something like that.”
“Well I mean if that person doesn’t appear, even if you want to ‘implement’ a plan or anything you can’t execute it.”
(both laughs)
“Yup.”
“What’s the name of the coach that wanted to ‘introduce’ someone to you?”
“(laughs) what are you planning?”
“I want to find this person (laughs), is it the coaching lead or the coach for one of the apparatuses? ”
“It was the female coach of the coaching team at the time. Actually I’m eating out with her tomorrow! I’m going to bring it up. (laughs)”
“Today we didn’t get to bring that coach to the program, we got the other one of your coaches.”
“Are you for real?!”
“I’m serious.”
(introduction of coach Lu.) (who told me to be consistent lmfao)
“Are you still worried about Cheng Fei from time to time right now?”
“I just heard you guys say that her dad wants her to hurry up and… to be honest, we (probably referring to himself and the female coach) want also want her to find the right person.”
“Her personality tends to put too much pressure on herself while being introverted, that will get in the way, I feel.”
“Yah. Cheng Fei is like this since she’s little. Through out all these years of training, we tried to change that about her (to make her more outgoing), but there’s a saying (Chinese proverb) that the rivers and mountains (also referring to government regimes) are easy to change but one’s basic nature is hard to budge. So we gave up.”
“She was injured and then retired, as a coach, you must have felt just as bad.”
“As a coach, the thing we are most afraid of is injuries. Not only the physical pain but even more the torturous process to recover from the emotional trauma.”
“Is there anything she did that left a lasting impression on you? When you think of Cheng Fei, what comes to mind immediately?”
“How I view Cheng Fei… we have to go back to this Chinese New Year’s gala (organized by the team), back then each coaching team was required to come up with something to perform. Right before the celebration was about to begin, Cheng Fei went to register to perform, she wanted to sing a song—the once super popular “Da Zhaimen”. That song’s tune is higher and (the contents of the lyrics are) pretty deep—because she’s still so young back then… at the time, she has yet to become one of the core members of the team; she went up, and there wasn’t music, she had to just sing A cappella… after two lines, she totally forgot how the song went.”
(Cheng Fei laughs)
“But after that, at the time, I changed my view about her. After she entered the National Team, from her physical abilities—even though she’s fluffy now, when she’s young she’s very slender—plus she had very good proportions to her body (in terms of weight distribution, hip/shoulder width, both contributes to tumbling physics), which meant she had great potential physically to become a great athlete, but her personality… it was never really the personality that we hoped for. For me personally, I liked the kids that are naughty and noisy, even some of the kids that would be rebellious and fight against you—but those kids, when it comes to being on the competition floor, when it comes to moments that count, usually they are the ones that can handle the pressure. Cheng Fei is the opposite, and back then our comment on her is that she’s the kind of kid that is very well-behaved, but without a lot of guts. So even though her physical abilities are top-notch, but from the mental perspective, we felt that she had that shortcoming.”
“Then when she got injured and had to retire, as her coach, you realize that she’s under a lot of pressure, and pain, so I assume you were worried about her all these years?”
“I believe that what she went through, a lot of athletes in China went through it. I feel, comparatively, she was still the luckier ones, she was one who has achieved more. Because even though she has been injured, and gave up a lot of things, but in the end, she has the results to show for it. Both for the country and for herself, there were reciprocations for her labor. For competitive sports in China—not only China, but I assume for the world, in competitive sports, it’s a process of climbing the tallest peak, and in the process, there would be a lot of people, who paid a high price but got nothing back.”
“She’s clearly capable and I’m only worried about one thing—she’s too well-behaved! She’s 27 and still hasn’t dated!”
“Yes I’m very worried too!”
“I feel this is wrong. Totally not right! As the coach you are responsible too.”
“I am responsible.”
“No, I’m serious!”
(33’s note: Lu yu, the interviewer, is actually talking about the lack of socialization of the young athletes since most of them only ever know the other girls and their coaches growing up so that’s what the meaning between the lines is. A lot of Chinese/East Asian conversion is vague with things left unsaid but mutually understood.)
“When she was an athlete, I was joking around with her and said (that I would get her a boyfriend). This is because Cheng Fei is the kind of kid who is very well-behaved and sensible, and when training is not going so well, she’s got a lot of pressure without an outlet and she didn’t have a boy that was close to her that she could vent to. So I jokingly said, ‘you are of the age, let’s find you a boyfriend. We’ll inject a little bit of romance in your life, maybe slowly, you would be more comfortable opening up and letting go, instead of beating yourself up over something and unable to let go.’ Because in our sports team, especially the gymnastics team, we usually mandate that our kids, before they retire, are not allowed to date.”
“Okay well now she’s retired and still hasn’t dated, so, what are your solutions?”
“I’m worried but I think, there’s no use in my worrying. There’s someone out in the world waiting for her. I don’t have super-human vision and I haven’t discovered him yet.”
“But I think she’s in a good place right now, don’t you think?”
“Not quite yet. Whenever she’s slender like you are, she’ll be back to the optimal mental state (before 2012).”
“Coach Lu, one’s weight has nothing to do with whether he or she is happy or not.”
“But we are talking about mood, so it definitely has something to do with it. (33’s note: Cheng Fei has said that she binge eats, so I think that’s what coach Lu is referring to here) She’s too carefree right now so she’s eating without moderation, moderation is still important.”
“Well I have to be on her side for this one, because she was injured, her leg and ankles probably can’t take too much stress when it comes to exercising to get in shape.”
Cheng Fei: “I have to make a report to coach Lu! Coach Lu, I’ve been swimming lately!”
“I’m afraid of you going down into the pool and all the water would be displaced!”
“That’s so horrible!” (laughs)
Cheng Fei: “There’s nothing to live for anymore.” (laughs)
Coach Lu: “Between athletes and coaches, especially our gymnastics team, with kids like them, who entered the team at such a young age—”
“You watched them grow up, right?”
“Yes, they are like our own kids.”
“I feel like perhaps she feels more familiarity to you than to her own father.”
“Yah.”
“Really.”
“Because we not only have to teach the skills, but most of those skills are done on our arms and hands, this passing on of one’s knowledge from our hand to theirs, there’s an emotional link to the kids that might be deeper as a result, compared to other sports.”
“We must thank coach Lu, who came here in secret. (laughs). Thank you!”
