#coffeewithsugarplease

[addictedtostorytelling]

gil grissom + anguish over sara in episodes 07x24 “living doll” & 08x01 “dead doll”

[addictedtostorytelling]

“hello from below the equator in puerto allyora! we’ve been at sea over a month now, and you wouldn’t believe the crew—students, activists, scientists. the dinner conversations alone are mind-blowing. and there’s even this, uh, this marine biologist that reminds me a little bit of you. i wish that we could talk in person, but, uh, this is the best that i could do. i wanted to apologize for being out of touch. i’ve been thinking about us a lot—all the moments. i thought we could survive anything. that last year in vegas, i could barely breathe, let alone think, but now, for the first time in a really long time, i’m happy. before i left, um, you said some things that i tried not to hear, but now, uh, i think you were right: if a relationship can’t move forward, it withers. i’ve been waiting for you to decide, but sometimes, not making a decision is making a decision. anyway, what i’m trying to say is, uh, you don’t have to worry about me anymore. i’m good. i’m really good. and, honestly? i think it’s better this way.”

[addictedtostorytelling]

Hello wonderful human being. I watched season 8 the other day and I was wondering... how long do yiu think Grissom was seriously thinking about proposing to Sara? He did it by the bees, which he might of asked her to come to.. to ask the question, or she showed up unannounced which meant he didn't intend to ask it there and then.

Do you think he invited her to the roof to pop the question? And how long do you think its been on his mind?

hi, @coffeewithsugarplease!

i personally think that grissom has been dreaming about marrying sara probably since the first day that he met her. 

however, even if one believes that it takes him a bit longer than just the duration of that first encounter to come to the conclusion that sara is the woman whom, if possible, he would like to spend the rest of his life with, it doesn’t take much longer over all, as we see evidence of him thinking about the concept of marriage in terms of sara throughout the course of the early seasons, such as,

in episode 04x03 “homebodies,” when he takes way too long to answer mr. kirkwood’s question about whether or not he has a wife and then proceeds to spend most of the rest of the episode relating mr. kirkwood’s protective feelings for his family to his own protective feelings for sara;

in the originally scripted version of his monologue from episode 04x12 “butterflied,” where he admits to fantasizing about sharing a domestic life with sara basically all of the time*; 

in episode 05x05 “swap meet,” where discussion of the swinger lifestyle prompts him to consider his own monogamous feelings toward sara and even to discuss with her at length the parameters for what might make a truly happy marriage;

in episode 06x03 “bite me,” where, as @bartramcat explains, his conversation with sara in the victim’s bedroom carries definite “marital overtones;”

in episode 06x21 “rashomama,” which contains all sorts of little hints that both he and sara have marriage (to each other) on the brain;

in episode 06x22 “time of your death,” when he seems to contemplate giving sara a ring one day; and

in episode 06x23 “bang-bang,” when he sidesteps doc’s questions about whether or not he’s ever been close to getting married to anyone in such a way as to suggest that he has (i.e., with sara).

* while the scripted version of the monologue isn’t exactly canon (in the sense that it didn’t make it into the final aired version of the episode), i understand it to be a good explanation of grissom’s thoughts and feelings at that time; though he doesn’t actually say the words aloud, they are in effect the sentiments he carries in his heart.

as for when his thoughts about marrying sara turn from a passing fancy to something he’s seriously considering, i would say it happens once he starts dating her in vegas, circa mid- to late s5 or early s6.

basically, as soon as they are in a relationship, he realizes that something he had always somewhat considered an impossibility (because, after all, how could a beautiful, wonderful, perfect person like sara ever learn to love a beast reciprocate the feelings of someone as flawed as he is?) is actually within reach.

that said, i think that grissom is prevented from asking sara to marry him at this time on two different levels:

first, in terms of the practical, because for as long as their relationship must still remain a secret at work, there’s no way that they can feasibly tie the knot (as lying about dating someone is one thing, but lying about marrying someone is another, typically involving tax fraud and falsifying hr documents);

and, second, in terms of the emotional, as while he’s been 1000% married in his heart to sara from the moment he met her, he’s not sure if sara herself is at the same place he is, in the sense of being ready and wanting to make that kind of lifelong commitment.

due to these external and internal constraints, he keeps his desires to himself and refrains from proposing; however, the notion remains prominent in his mind.

—and especially after sara is abducted by the miniature killer and subsequently rescued from the desert.

not only does almost losing sara likely remind him to “gather rosebuds while he may,” but the logistics of her hospital stay and him taking care of her at home for several months while she recuperates from her injuries probably underline to him how much better and easier things would be for them (legally, financially, and socially) if they had that sort of official, signed/sealed connection to each other already in place.

for example, if they were married, then they would be able to be more involved in each other’s medical care and make decisions for each other in the event of incapacitation, which is something very important for two people who (barring betty) don’t really have any other family in the world.

now.

all of the above said, while i do think grissom has been mulling marriage to sara literally for years before he proposes to her and has had wedding bells even more on his mind recently, as of the start of s8, i nevertheless do not believe that he wakes up on the morning of october 17th, 2007 (i.e., the in-universe date for when the events of episode 08x04 “the case of the cross-dressing carp” take place) and thinks to himself, “today’s the day i’m going to ask sara sidle to marry me.”

no, to my mind, the proposal happening where it does and when it does is a spontaneous thing—i.e., in that moment, grissom just feels so much love and adoration for sara (dressed up in her beekeeping suit, facing her fears just to spend time by his side) that he blurts out the words that have been in his heart since the beginning with no forethought and no kind of design at all:

“maybe we should get married.”

he knew that sara would be with him in the apiary that day, but he didn’t know until the words had already left his lips that he was going to ask her the question right then.

—that’s why he has no ring to offer her and no speech to make.

—that’s also why he’s able to ask the question without getting overwhelmed or psyching himself out before he does so.

he doesn’t plan the moment out in advance. he also doesn’t sabotage it by thinking the act to death beforehand. he just hears sara talking to the bees like they’re people and feels such bright love for her all through his body, mind, and heart that he finally gives voice to the query he’s been carrying around with him ever since the day he first met her.

of course, the really wonderful thing is that for as much as grissom has wanted to marry sara since the first day he met her, sara’s felt just the same about him, which is why she says yes so quickly—because marrying grissom is literally a dream come true for her.

that’s my take, anyway.

thanks for the question! please feel welcome to send another any time. ❤ 

[addictedtostorytelling]

I adore your metas and I read them all! Please can I ask how you think Grissom made the move in asking Sara out and then dating her? Did he take her out for breakfast or were they always behind closed doors and asked to bring takeout breakfast to hers? I'm curious how he lifted his head out that microscope and gathered the courage to go for it.

hey, @coffeewithsugarplease!

my short answer is that i don’t think grissom actually formally asks sara out at all, or at least not in the sense of asking her with words like “will you go out with me?” or “let’s take this chance” or anything to those effects.

instead, i think he much more likely goes the physical route—i.e., just up and finally kisses the girl, letting his actions do the talking.

as for when and how he works up the courage to do so, i’ve got my answer after the “keep reading,” if you’re interested.

______

to me, the whole slow process of grissom and sara getting together starts in s4.

throughout most of that season, grissom's m.o. is to keep his distance from sara, as he is aware that he is still too afraid to be with her (despite wanting to do so) and reasons that since such is now and may always yet be the case, then he must, in fairness to both himself and sara, try to "let her go." 

consequently, throughout the year, he goes out of his way to generate some artificial distance between himself and sara, limiting their one-on-one interactions as much as possible, at times being purposefully curt with her, often pulling rank on her and/or siding with other members of the team over her in circumstances of dispute or competition, etc.

of course, for as much as grissom tries to convince both himself and sara that theirs is only a professional relationship with no deeper feelings involved, he largely fails to do so, and especially as throughout the year he is frequently and unignorably reminded of just how deeply he loves sara and how bonded he is to her (see episodes 04x03 "homebodies," 04x07 "invisible evidence," 04x12 "butterflied," etc.).

this push-and-pull of grissom trying to keep his distance from sara but at the same time still being as drawn to her as ever comes to a head during the events of the season finale (see episode 04x23 “bloodlines”), when sara is pulled over for driving drunk, and grissom realizes that the sadness he had sensed in her earlier in the season (see episode 04x16 "getting off") is actually something much deeper and more concerning—and, moreover, that the way that he has treated sara throughout the year has actually done harm to her.

in the wake of sara's near-dui, grissom realizes that he needs to be more attentive to and transparent with sara about the fact that he cares for her, so come s5, that's what he does.

in the early episodes of the season, he shows interest in her progress with her peap sessions, admits to being concerned about her when she behaves recklessly on the job (see episode 05x02 "down the drain"), and is complimentary of her intelligence and abilities, acting very warmly toward her in a way that he hasn't done in a very long time.

his goal with this behavior is not necessarily to “win sara over,” as, given that he is now fully aware of how much his behavior has hurt her in the past, he doesn’t believe that she could or should ever forgive him enough to want to be with him. instead, what he is looking to do is to simply be there for her in any way she needs him to be, putting her needs before his own.

of course, even though grissom doesn’t necessarily intend to woo sara by his actions, that’s what he ends up doing anyway; though she had been burned by his aloof behavior toward her throughout s4, he delights her with how careful he is of her come s5, quickly proving to her that he will be there for her no matter what.

between episodes 05x01 "viva las vegas" and 05x11 "who shot sherlock?", grissom and sara repair the friendship that has always been the foundation of their dynamic with each other.

they then experience two watershed moments, one after the other.

the first occurs in episode 05x12 “snakes,” when, in an instance of open candor, sara reveals to grissom that not only did she originally move to vegas in the hopes that they would eventually have some kind of romantic relationship with each other, but she still harbors feelings for him, even after so many years and all of the runaround between them (“you’ve always been a little more than a boss to me. why do you think i moved to vegas?”).

considering that after the events of s4, grissom had legitimately believed that he had lost all chance of being with sara forever, the importance of this confession from her cannot be overstated.

as i talk about in this post,

to me, the big deal about this scene is that it gets grissom thinking about how neither he nor sara is happy with the way things have turned out over the last few years. it’s sara bringing up their past again that gets him to consider the difference between what he thinks he needs and what he actually needs.

ever since sara joined his team, he has had multiple opportunities to be with her, but he has always allowed his fear and doubt and aversion to change to win out over his love for her. the last time he turned her down—in episode 03x22 “play with fire”—it felt like such a decisive thing, a decision he made that he couldn’t take back, which is precisely how he frames things in his monologue at the end of episode 04x12 “butterflied.” he thinks that sara gave him this last-chance offer for them to be together, and he turned her down, and so he blew it forever.

but after what sara says here, it gets him thinking that maybe that doesn’t have to be the case—that maybe it’s not too late for them to take a chance on being together.

this revelation then leads directly to the next big gsr watershed moment, which takes place in episode 05x13 “nesting dolls,” when after sara earns herself a suspension from work due to her insubordination toward catherine and ecklie, grissom, throwing political caution to the wind, shows up at her apartment to figure out once and for all what lies at the root of the sadness and anger he has for so long sensed in her, refusing to let her turn him away or dodge the question.

his doggedness results in sara finally telling him the truth about her past, which is that she grew up in a violent home with mentally ill and substance-addicted parents and that her mother eventually killed her father, resulting in her being placed in foster care at a young age.

considering that sara has never told anyone this story before, the significance of her confiding in grissom is monumental.

that she trusts him enough to tell him her deepest, darkest secret is huge.

but what’s huger still is how he responds to what she says.

the reason why sara had always kept this information to herself previously was because she feared that if she told it to anyone, it would cause that person to reject her—that what happened in her home was so horrifying that they wouldn’t be able to look her in the eyes anymore once they knew the truth; that after they realized the brutality programmed into her dna, they would think her unsalvageable and frightening.

that grissom listens to her story, understands the implications, and then is able to look her straight on and say with no hint of doubt in his voice that he doesn’t think that either her history or her genetics make her a bad person means more to her than she can possibly express.

grissom offering her this unconditional acceptance is essentially what clears the final hurdle toward them having a relationship with each other, as it proves to him that despite his doubts in his own courage, he is capable of stepping up and caring for her even with the world howling at him for doing so AND proves to her that he’s not going to split at the first sign of trouble.     

as i talk about in this post,

to me, gsr’s whole vegas relationship can be divided into the “b.n.d.” and “a.n.d.” eras—i.e., “before ‘nesting dolls’” and “after ‘nesting dolls.’” the shift that occurs in their interactions once grissom learns sara’s secret is just absolutely everything...

as i’ve written about here, after realizing in s4 that he still loves sara and always will and that he regrets his decision to live without her, this episode marks the place where grissom starts to understand that he cannot continue to compartmentalize his feelings for and relationship with sara without hurting her; he has to be emotionally transparent with her or risk losing her forever.

—and that’s what episode 05x13 “nesting dolls” is all about.

everyone is saying that sara is trouble, but grissom realizes that she’s troubled, which is different. he’s never been able to stand seeing her sad, and he’s felt helpless for a long time to do anything on her behalf. he can’t afford to “play it safe” anymore; he has got figure out what’s going on in her head and in her heart, but in order to do that, he’ll have to show her what’s in his head and in his heart first.

so he goes to her apartment in this attitude of total openness. he makes it clear to her that he’s there not because he’s her supervisor and it’s his job to reprimand her after her outburst but because he cares about her deeply and personally and wants to help her however he can. his show of interest is what gets her to open up, as she finally realizes that what happens to her matters to him. the fact that he would come looking for her when everyone else told him to let her go helps her to trust him.

so she tells him her story, fearing the whole time she’s talking that once he knows what kind of home she came from and what kind of violence is “in her blood,” he’ll reject her.

but then he doesn’t reject her.

he holds her hand.

he looks at her in a way that says there is nothing about her he doesn’t love.

—and to me, that’s what opens the door for grissom and sara to eventually become intimate.

so here’s where we get to my headcanon:

while there is a window of “unaccounted for time” in episode 05x13 “nesting dolls” between the point when grissom visits sara’s apartment in the early evening and when he returns to the lab later that night that is of sufficient length that it would allow for grissom and sara to “get together” during that timeframe, i don’t actually think that they do so, either in the sense of grissom asking sara out or in the sense of them hooking up.

to my mind, grissom would not feel comfortable asking sara to take that type of leap at a point when she was so emotionally vulnerable, and sara would be unlikely to try to initiate anything herself. 

instead, what i think happens is that they engage in some kind of nonsexual intimacy, like maybe grissom ends up holding sara in his arms until she falls asleep and/or kisses her hands or head and/or says something somewhat emotionally revealing to her (not necessarily “i love you”—because, again, i don’t think he’d want to take that kind of step given the situation—but maybe something along the lines of telling sara how much it means that she would confide in him or promising her that he’ll save her job or expressing how highly he thinks of her, perhaps even more so now that he knows how much she’s overcome in her life to get to where she is).

whatever it is, they both walk away from the experience feeling closer than ever and like their relationship has somehow changed in nature (for the better).

in the wake of the events of episode 05x13 “nesting dolls,” i think that grissom and sara then go through a period of kind of feeling each other out, each one desperately wanting to take their relationship to another level but both of them being too shy to do so.

there are probably a lot of near misses during this era—occasions when if one or the other of them were just a bit bolder, someone would say something; a few almost-kisses; a handful of “hey, um—” “what?” “uh, never mind” type conversations. 

but there’s also probably actual progress, too—them being more open and emotionally intimate with each other, spending more time together (perhaps even off of the clock), feeling connected and like they’re more and more on the same page. 

then i think there’s some kind of catalyst, some event that brings grissom back to sara’s apartment, and this visit culminates with an actual consummation. it’s not a situation where he formally asks her out but one where they just end up connecting, and from then on they both know that they’re together now, just like they’ve always wanted to be.

as i talk about in this post,

to my mind, they probably end up having sex sometime mid-s5 in a “heat of the moment” situation, with all of their years of longing and loving and lusting catching up to them in an instant, and from there things basically take off running.

it’s like a redo of the “pin me down” scene in episode 04x07 “invisible evidence,” only this time they listen to their bodies and hearts and do what comes naturally to them, consequences be damned.

since they’re already deeply in love with each other and have been so for seven+ years AND since they already know each other exceedingly well—not necessarily in the sense that they are apprised of every detail of each other’s biographies but in terms of the important stuff, like being familiar with each other’s life philosophies, having a sense of how the other person reacts under pressure, understanding each other’s hopes and fears, being experts in how to comfort each other, etc.—i don’t suppose either one of them sees a reason to second-guess things.

the only factor that at all “slows them down” is that they each separately and secretly worry that perhaps the other person isn’t “in as deep” as they are (and especially not so soon), and so in order to avoid scaring each other off, they do somewhat temper their own eagerness—for instance, with sara holding back from saying “i love you” to grissom until grissom says it to her first, grissom refraining from asking sara to move in with him until at least a few months have passed, grissom not asking sara to marry him immediately after that first night (even though he’s already been dying to ask her for years), etc., etc.  

anyway, that’s my headcanon: 

after years of being too afraid to follow his heart and be with sara, grissom finally realizes that for both of their sakes, he needs to step up and show her that he cares. while he doesn’t initially suppose that his doing so will necessarily result in them commencing a romantic relationship (because by this late stage in the game, he’s under the impression that he has both well and truly ruined any chance he might have ever had to be with her), he does hope that in being more supportive of and transparent in his feelings for her, he can finally do right by her after having given her the runaround for far too long. 

as he drops his guard with her and becomes increasingly bold in championing her, even in public and under pressure not to, she learns that she can trust him, to the point where she eventually feels safe enough to tell him the secrets of her past. 

once she does so, it opens the doors for them to be together, each one feeling more grounded in the other’s bond with them than they ever have before. 

in typical gsr fashion, this shift in their relationship status not something they really talk through; it comes on the tail of kisses rather than a conversation. 

but once it happens, they just both kind of know “we’re together now.”

as for what their dating life actually looks like once they’re together, i’ve written my headcanon out here, if you’re interested.

thanks for the question! please feel welcome to send another any time.

[addictedtostorytelling]

Hello, how do you think Grissom and Sara felt in 7x23? Also, how do you think they made it back on good terms?

hey, @coffeewithsugarplease!

i’ve actually got two metas on those topics here and here, if you’re interested.

the first link is for the grissom one, the second link is for the sara.

the tl;dr versions of those posts are that in episode 07x23 “the good, the bad, and the dominatrix,” grissom is wrapped up in saving his friend. 

he genuinely believes that heather’s life is in danger, and he’s desperate to rescue her, both from her own suicidal ideations and from the wrongful murder charges she faces, never mind if he harms his professional reputation or comes to loggerheads with his coworkers in the process. 

for him, human life is paramount. 

what matters is that heather lives (and is not wrongfully imprisoned for a murder he knows she didn’t commit); everything else is secondary, including adhering to department rules.

he doesn’t take the actions he does because he is “in love with heather” or has any intention to hurt sara; rather, he’s just focused on saving heather before time runs out, and he allows his tunnel vision to this end to rule his behavior.

honestly, he would do the same for any of “his people.” it’s just that, in this case, heather is the one who needs him.

since he is uniquely situated to offer aid to her in this situation (not only because he’s in law enforcement but also because he is so familiar with her and thus is able to deduce the true motivations behind her otherwise enigmatic behavior), he knows he can’t slow down or hold back; it has to be him to crack the case. 

only after sara expresses unmistakable displeasure in his choices does grissom even become aware that he has done anything to upset her. but since heather’s life is still on the line, he chooses not to take the time to stop and talk through the issue with her. 

instead, he plows ahead, doing what he feels he needs to for heather’s sake and hoping that sara (and catherine and brass and the department administration, for that matter) will forgive him for his actions after the fact, once heather is safe and exonerated of the crimes of which she stands wrongfully accused.

as for sara, she’s upset with grissom not really because she fears that he is going to be unfaithful to her with heather or even considers heather a true rival for his affections but rather because when grissom makes unilateral decisions that could negatively impact their life together without first consulting her—such as, for instance, potentially sinking his own career by going against department protocol in order to defend an accused murderer—it causes her to question his commitment to her and their relationship (which is something she’s already been anxious about throughout s7). 

she wonders: does he truly view her as his life partner? is he as invested in their relationship as she is?

that he has been in the habit of “taking matters into his own hands” as of late—remember: recently, he decided to go on month-long sabbatical on the east coast without really considering her feelings before he did so—concerns her, causing her to feel insecure regarding their bond.

she wants desperately for some reassurance that their relationship is a priority for him in the same way that it is for her but unfortunately doesn’t get any because grissom is still too focused on his objectives regarding heather.

so how do grissom and sara eventually make it back to good terms? 

well, my guess is that they just kind of gloss over what happened once the whole ordeal is over: grissom does save/exonerate heather and is therefore allowed to keep his job—a “no harm, no foul” situation. he comes home to sara and starts acting like a real boyfriend again. she swallows her concerns about what his previous behavior meant as it pertains to their relationship. they never really have a conversation about the issue. one week later, sara gets abducted by the miniature killer, and in the aftermath of her near-death-experience, all is forgotten regarding the heather debacle.

it’s classic gsr noncommunication.

thanks for the question! please feel welcome to send another any time. ❤

[addictedtostorytelling]

Please can I ask if you can do a GIFset of the pain Grissom goes through during Living and Dead doll. Like when he's running to her the 3 times, when he's carrying her to the helicopter and when he helps load her arm.. when he sees her and brushes the swear off his face lmao.. all that angst that we were blessed with. I will love you forever and I truly love all your work!

hi, @coffeewithsugarplease!

sure thing! you can find the gifset here.

[annachibi]

coffeewithsugarplease replied to your photoset:ladydisdainblog: Jane Austen Nolvels Vicbourne...

Where is the picture of him in that uniform from? :-O

That would be John Adams! He plays Alexander Hamilton :3

[southdownsnightingales]

Grissom and Sara - Invasion of Personal Space

Requested by: coffeewithsugarplease