#cohabitating

[snaggleandthetooths]

[help-my-relationship]

How would you approach setting expectations with a partner (f33) who has been unemployed for 22 months? (I’m m32)

I’ve been living with my girlfriend for five years. Everything was pretty good until two years ago, when she lost her job. Even when she was working, I was earning around 40% more than her, and I also come from a wealthier family. Because of that, I paid for many of our expenses: the house, since I pay the mortgage because it’s a property I bought in my name, plus the condo fees, electricity, gas, and internet bills. She covered the rest. Excluding the mortgage, I would say the split was roughly 65% me and 35% her. I was fine with that arrangement, especially because she was doing more of the household chores, roughly 60% her and 40% me. Two years ago, she lost her job. At the time, she said it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing because she didn’t like that job very much anyway, and that within a few months she would either find another job or something that suited her better. Months went by. Since she didn’t seem very engaged in her job search, I started asking her what she was doing during the day. She would usually say there were many things to do around the house, that she was looking for a job, and that I shouldn’t pressure her because she needed time. For context, we live in a three-room apartment and have a dachshund. At 10 months point, I realized she was no longer able to contribute to expenses the way she used to, although she never explicitly told me that. Over time, we reached a point where I was covering about 95% of all expenses. The remaining 5% is mostly small grocery purchases she occasionally makes, while I pay for the bulk of our groceries and everything else. I brought the topic up again and suggested that she contact her former employer to ask whether any positions were available. She had left on good terms because her position was being moved to another country. In fact, when she was let go, they even offered her another role, but she declined because she didn’t want to work in customer care. She had worked in HR and knew her boss well, since her boss was the HR Director. She said no. She told me that contacting her former boss would feel like begging for a job, and she didn’t want to do that. I told her that, from my perspective, there was nothing wrong with asking whether positions were available and that it didn’t have to be seen as begging. She didn’t agree and said she would find a job on her own. Now it’s been 22 months since she lost her job. Recently, my parents paid for a five-day vacation for us. During that trip, out of roughly €1,000 spent, she contributed about €25. The money itself is not the only issue for me. What worries me more is that I don’t see much urgency, a concrete plan, or a willingness to explore every possible option. If I were in her position, I think I would be putting a lot of pressure on myself to find something, because I would feel uncomfortable with my partner covering almost everything for such a long time. Now we haven’t spoken since yesterday. We had an argument about all of this. I asked her what her plan was, but she didn’t really answer beyond saying that she was still looking for a job and that she would not send that email. I told her that maybe it would be better if she went to stay with her parents for a while. I said that in the middle of the argument, and now I’m trying to think more clearly about what the next step should be. I also recently got diagnosed with vitiligo, and my doctor told me that stress could make it worse. I know that doesn’t mean the entire relationship should revolve around that, but it has made me more aware of how much this situation is affecting me and the fact that she’s not interested in changing her behavior knowing that. I don’t really know how to move forward from here. Have any of you been in a similar situation? How did you approach the conversation, and what expectations did you set?

You've been dancing around this for months and months. To set expectations, the most important thing is communicating them. I completely understand that in the beginning asking questions and making suggestions was the right way to approach things with no pressure. You're beyond that point, and now it's building resentment. You need to just clearly and directly tell her point blank what your expectations are. If it's that she moves out if she's still unemployed in [x] weeks or that she move out by the end of the week, that's fine. That's your expectation. None of us can tell you what your limits should be, though. That's up to you to define.

The piece of advice I can give is to tell her what you need. Leave the deciding how to give you that (or deciding it means the end of the relationship - unless that is what you want) up to her. So, for example, your expectation might be "I need you to be financially contributing 10% of your previous expenses within the month, 20% within two months, and back up to your 35% in three months". How she gets that money is up to her. She might start selling some of her belongings, for example, or take up some gig work or accept a lower wage job than she was looking for.

I can give you some ideas for the types of expectations you can think about and have. You can tell her how much/what percentage you need her to be contributing and by when. You can tell her you have no interest in having a partner who doesn't work and give her the deadline you're willing to wait for her to get any job and, within reasonable expectations, stay employed. Your expectations could be revolving around having [x] amount in savings by some date, taking financial literacy or planning classes, or getting mental health help and making notable change if mental health is playing a role. Sometimes people have expectations about their partner spending time on hobbies and getting out of the house. Or they might have expectations about the housework split. Couples counseling can be a pretty common demand for things like this. You can tell her the consequences of not meeting these expectations: she'll be evicted, you'll downsize to another location and live separately until she's financially stable again, divorce/separation, not being comfortable trying for kids, etc...

But having the conversation, you just kinda gotta rip the band-aid off and do it. Pick a time that isn't busy or rushed when you're both well-fed and well-rested. Tell her it's time to talk. Sit down and do it.

[help-my-relationship]

Whose house (27f/30m) should we move into?

My partner “Luke” and I have been together for 9 months. It’s going great, and I am genuinely excited about moving in together. We have the same goals, same standards for cleanliness, and we have a lot of fun. We have agreed we want to move in together and eventually buy a house. We are both currently renting our own houses but we’ve come to a disagreement about who’s would be the most practical to move into. My house: a 2200 sqft 4 bed, 2 bath with a detached single car garage (not equipped for a car), on a half acre and fully fenced in yard. I have 6 chickens and 2 cats. My brother lives with me, but spends half the year overseas. My mom owns the property and I live here because I will eventually inherit it. It’s also easier for my mom to do work on the property while she knows the tenants. I like this arrangement because technically, what I put into it is an investment, and I can stay for as long as I want with flexible rent. I pay $650 and have 3 roommates, 2 are moving out soon, but rent would stay the same if Luke moved in. Luke’s house: a 2000 sqft 4 bed, 2.5 bath with a smaller lot, attached 2 car garage and fully fenced in yard. He doesn’t have any pets and he only has 1 roommate. He pays $1500 a month, if I moved in it would go to $1000 a month. The landlord is a friend but he wont do rent to own. He doesn’t want any more roommates. His house is closer to fun things to do, and closer to our jobs by 5-10 minutes. If I moved in with Luke, my mom would have to find other long term renters and I would not be able to return in the event of a breakup. My brother would also have to find a new place to live. If Luke moved in with me, he would be able to go back at any point, as long as his friends were still renting the house. If Luke moved in with me, we would have to spend money to convert the garage so it can hold vehicles (he is a mechanic part time). But he would pay a fraction in rent. He doesn’t want to lose his garage and moving all of his tools would be a hassle. I don’t want to move him in and have it be some kind of building resentment. But on the flip side, I don’t want to screw myself, or my family. Whose house should we move into?

You cannot crowdsource this decision. This is not, can not, and should not be about who's right or who's wrong or what's the most objective decision. That doesn't exist. This is about "can we two people who want to merge our lives together work together to come to an agreement that everyone is happy with?" and the fact that you cannot says that, at the very least, you're not ready to move in together yet (or on your proposed timeline, which even though it may not be right now, still requires a commitment right now).

So whose house should you move into? No one's. I think it's early enough that maybe this could be resolved with getting to know and trust each other over more time, but it also wouldn't be unreasonable to consider this an incompatibility.

[help-my-relationship]

I (31F) get anxious about clutter and my boyfriend (33M) feels criticized. What phrases and routines actually help?

I am 31, he is 33. We have been together three years and have lived together for one year in California. I really like organizing, both physical and digital. I calm down by setting up little systems like lists, labels, and routines. When things feel messy I get anxious and want to fix them right away. My boyfriend is more go-with-the-flow. He is not messy in a gross way, but he leaves stacks of mail, half-finished projects, and random stuff on counters. He also tends to start tasks and leave them around 80 percent done. The issue: I will start reorganizing or suggest a simple plan, and he hears it as criticism. If I say something like, "Hey, can we reset the kitchen tonight and put things back in their spots?" he gets quiet and says he feels like I am managing him. Then I feel guilty and either over-explain or do it myself and end up resentful. I am not looking for a verdict about our relationship. I want practical ideas: specific phrases or short scripts and small weekly habits that might actually help a couple where one person needs order to feel calm and the other feels controlled. Ideally something we can try for a month without turning every request into a big relationship conversation. What are concrete ways to ask for help with clutter without sounding like a parent? What routines have worked for you, like a set time, a short checklist, or a simple rule for shared spaces, that did not make the other person feel judged?

I think actually you two need to step back and have a general conversation here that it appears got skipped over before you moved in together. How do each of you define cleanliness? Organization? How do each of you define mess? Disorganization or clutter? What is the level of cleanliness and mess or disorganization that you each prefer to live in? Is there a way for both of you to be comfortable and feel at home (who's willing to bend and how much)...or are you maybe not compatible to live together (and if you're not ever going to happily live together, do you want to be in this relationship still?).

Unfortunately, there isn't always a happy medium between an issue like this, and at that point, people need to decide: "can I make peace with this difference and genuinely be happy in this relationship because everything else makes it worth it or is this a big enough issue for me that I need to walk away?" If he isn't at your level of tidy and organized, can you make peace with leaving his piles alone or is it always going to be an issue for you? Just because your request feels reasonable doesn't mean he has to comply. If we look at it from his side, his request would also be reasonable, and that doesn't mean you have to comply. But it does mean you need to accept the difference or admit it's a deal breaker.

[help-my-relationship]

What boundaries or comfort can i (24F) offer when moving in to my (22M) boyfriend’s family’s home with few days notice?

we have been best friends since last year, dating for the past 6 months. i (24F) am bengali and spiritual, and they are indigenous ecuadorian and catholic. due to divorce-related trauma, bf (22M) never felt comfortable to introduce anyone to his family and they had no idea we were dating. i understand the feeling, as i was raised muslim. most of our relationship has been healthy & happy, and today he did a really scary thing: asking his dad if i can move in for a few months. and dad said yes!! it was bf's idea to offer, bc i'm a victim of DV from my own family, became hospitalized for over a month, and after trying many ways to afford housing, my only other option would be shelters. we didn't want this to be a last second thing ofc. but i really wanna do my best to make this transition as comfortable as possible for everyone involved. i want to contribute with rent and chores too. current lease is ending & moving out this weekend ;-;

family is super shy & quiet, and his parents don't speak english fluently, so i plan to pick up duolingo. he has 3 younger siblings in hs/ms. divorced parents living together, but dad + his partner live in the basement. many dogs!!!! bf is very independent, values mundane quality time, is introverted but high-energy for dancing/djing, silly, very passionate & busy w his career in film. family does community & advocacy work. we are both neurodivergent & would be gone most hours of the day, working. im extroverted, also silly & put my film career on pause (looking for any job now), value words of affirmation the most and then quality time, highly communicative, and independent but also very emotional and sensitive to abandonment & disassociate a lot. he has grown into someone more "chalant", and me "nonchalant", which we're happy about. i am approachable & bubbly, but probably not the type of person they expect for their son. we're religiously & culturally different, plus i have tattoos and a septum lol. i worry it will suffocate us social-battery wise that im sharing his bedroom (we thought i'd be in the guest bedroom). i especially worry for the shock it puts on his siblings. we aren't getting engaged or anything, and everything about this is new, so soon, and scary.

I'm glad you're okay and that you're getting to leave a dangerous situation! My two pieces of advice are to 1) not wait to be invited to help. If you're eating together, when you're done, just jump right into helping to wash dishes. If you cook, make sure to clean up after yourself. That kind of thing. And 2) I know you know this, but treat this as temporary. Go in with a plan on saving money and looking for another living situation. Don't try to put it off for as long as possible. Make sure you've got a workable plan for getting out and it doesn't look like you're just moving in forever.

[help-my-relationship]

My (26F) boyfriend (27M) does not respect my living space. How to communicate the issue without causing drama in the relationship?

In 2025 I (26F) bought my first apartment. Three months ago the renovation was finally complete and I was able to leave my parents' house and move in the new apartment. I feel blessed owning MY living space; it's been great for my everyday mood and peace.

My boyfriend (27M) and I have been together for 4 years and when I bought the apartment I told him he was welcome to come by, visit and even sleep at my place frequently, but that I didn't want him to actually move in with me at least for the first few months, as I had never lived by myself and really wanted to make that experience and get accomodated in my new space first.

He kinda got offended at first, but then undersood it made sense; plus, he was in no hurry to leave his parents' home.

With that being said, I was actually convinced that I was going to BEG him to move in after like a month of being alone. Instead.... at this point I don't even know anymore.

I already knew he is a messy guy - I myself am definetly not a neat freak - but I thought he was going to at least be respectful of the space I poured blood, sweat and tears in (plus a lot of money). Well, he is not. At all.

He does not clean after himself (this was kinda expected to be honest). If he eats something he won't use a plate and leave crumbs all over the table, or floor if he ate standing up. He will just leave them there.

What actually drives me insane is something else: when he gets here, he just abandons all his stuff scattered around the apartment. He was staying at my place for the weekend, and this morning he dumped his clean clothes on the sofa, the dirty clothes on the floor of the hallway and bathroom, his keys and wallet on the kitchen countertop, and his empty backpack on the kitchen table. I pointed out I have a literal room dedicated to clothes (walk in closet of my dreams yay) and asked why he would't bring his clothes there, and that his backpack gets usually put on the dirty ground everywhere and the table where we eat was not the best spot where to leave it. He got annoyed but moved the clothes and the backpack. Tonight, I found different clothes dumped on the hallway floor. Just in the middle of it.

He will NOT put things in their place to save his life. He just leaves anything on the closest flat surface available.

My apartment is quite small, so it's not like he has to take three flights of stairs to put his pants in the closet. It's like 10 steps.

I get quite annoyed and sour when I see him acting this way and don't know how to communicate the issue politely.

I would like to scream at him to get the fuck out every time I find his stuff out of place but I know I am overreacting and feeling protective of my space and would like for us to overcome this problem.

I'm sorry, but this is who he is. You're not going to change him. If you're not happy living like this...you're never going to be happy living with him. It's up to you two to decide what that means for the future of the relationship.

[help-my-relationship]

My(M32) girlfriend(39F) is supposed to move in soon, but she hasn’t been looking for full-time work and I’m worried I’ll become responsible for her financially

I need some advice because I’m stressing out that an upcoming issue could make or break the relationship. I’ve been dating my current girlfriend for just under a year, and for most of our dating phase, things have been good. We’ve been on holiday together, we meet up several times a week, and we definitely enjoy each other’s company. We’ve had one disagreement where we sat down, discussed our issues, and resolved them. Overall, it’s a very healthy, happy relationship, except in one area. I recently got my own apartment after living in a house share. She currently lives at home with family, and the intention is for her to move in with me in a couple of months. The issue is that she doesn’t have a full-time job. She recently got a part-time receptionist job working 20 hours a week, which is great, and I’m happy for her. For reference, she was unemployed when we met and has had this job for about two to three months. Obviously, it isn’t enough to sustain anything long-term. I gently ask her on occasion how the full-time job hunt has been going, but every time I ask, she deflects. She’s low energy and just wants to enjoy her days off. She works three days on, one day off, then two days on, one day off. So I backed off and waited, but she hasn’t sent out one job application in months. It feels like she’s stuck in this holding pattern. I really don’t want this dynamic. I told her that if she moves in, we’d have a 90/10 split on bills, but even then, I feel bad because it leaves her with very little money for hobbies or spending on herself. At the same time, I also want a partner, not a dependent. I don’t care if it’s not 50/50, but I would want something more balanced than 90/10. I also worry about what happens if she never gets a full-time job. It’s been 17 months since she last had one. Additionally, I'm wary about coming in and trying to manage this for her. Ultimately, it’s her life and her responsibility, but I can’t lie and say it doesn’t make me less excited about her moving in. So what would be the best way to approach her about this? How can I open up about it in a non-confrontational way without causing her to spiral? Because when I’ve tried to sit down and talk about it before, it usually leads to nothing actually being done.

Do not move in together if she won't be open and transparent about her finances. She does not get to deflect with you on her job search/financial discussion and pretend like she's in a partnership prepared for cohabitation with you. Do not proceed with this. You two need to have a very frank discussion on financial compatibility and budgeting if there is to be any movement on moving in together. If y'all aren't prepared to share your finances with the other person, you're not prepared for living together at this stage. You're not young adults striking out on your own. Your girlfriend is nearing middle age, seems to have never held down steady or full-time employment, and won't even talk to you about this. Moving in is about the worst idea for the relationship either of you could have.

[help-my-relationship]

Am I being unfair to my 70 F Aunt? 21 F don’t really want to pay $900 rent

This is gonna be short. Basically i’m 21 i live with my aunt she took me in for 3 months until I got a job. Her rent is 1700 and i pay 500 rent and 115 utilities. Now she wants to move to a new apartment which is way fancier the rent is $1849 she says I have to pay $900 rent now plus utilities because it’s a different place. I make $18 an hour and work 3 twelve hour shifts though sometimes i’m not always scheduled for full weeks since slow season began. I don’t really want to pay her that much and thought about living in padsplits since rent is high in Georgia. I found a studio for 800 but it’s 30 mins away and i don’t have a car.

It's unclear how much discussion there has been between the two of you? Have you discussed paying equal rent and getting equal say in where you go?

In any case, sounds like you're not gonna get a better deal anywhere else. She doesn't owe it to you to not move just because you're living with her. Your options are to move and take the deal or to take the cheaper studio and buy a car or figure out alternative transport, which isn't gonna save you anything in the long run.

I get that the hike sucks, but I can tell you as someone who's been renting and living on my own for closing in on two decades now? The same exact thing is liable to happen to you renting on your own. I got lucky with low rent on a nice place - but it was because the management company was trying to sell it and didn't give a shit. As soon as a company bought it that planned on keeping it? My rent nearly doubled. And I had already started off paying more than you are now. And then a few months later, they evicted me anyway so they could upgrade the apartment amenities and charge even more for it.

So yeah. I'd make sure you weigh everything. You mention your aunt drives you to and from work and to get groceries. Use the time you have to save up your money so you can buy a car and move out maybe on your own. But without a car? Your options are gonna be very limited.