Help My Relationship

You don't know me. You have no reason to trust me. But you're not sure who else to ask or confide in. So give me a try! I'll do my best to give you compassionate, thoughtful advice to whatever your relationship conundrum for whatever type of relationship (professional, platonic, romantic, sexual, monogomous, non-monogamous, vanilla, kinky, complicated, etc.). It's just internet advice. If you don't like it, you don't have to take it. What could it hurt to ask?

[help-my-relationship]

My 28M Wife 28F doesn't take any initiative when it comes to me and I feel like I just have a passenger for a partner how do I deal with this?

Wife 28F and I 28M have been married for 3 years together for 6. As our relationship has gone on I'm noticing more and more that my wife simply doesn't do anything "for me" on her own without my prompting or my direct instruction. She doesn't plan any dates, she doesnt surprise me with anything, she doesn't anticipate my needs or feelings, she's just kind of there and passive unless I directly tell her to do something. It's kind of hard to explain but the easiest example is if she wants to go to the movies she'll tell me and I'll plan a time, pick a movie with her input and get tickets. If I want to see a movie I'll tell her and then I'll plan a time, pick a movie with her input and get tickets. If I don't do the effort of planning the outing it just wont happen. Obviously the movie example is childish but again its a generalized example of her behavioral pattern. If I want I can force the issue but that just turns into me sock puppeting her through the task. So again using the movie example it'll just turn into her asking me what time, asking me what movie, asking me if she should/how to get tickets at which point I've just done all the labor again. I've tried talking to her about this but she gets extremely avoidant, just keeps apologizing or saying shes a terrible partner, and basically just doesnt engage with the premise at all or ask questions to get better. Until I end up having to comfort her because shes so upset that Im upset. This pattern has made it to the point where I don't even feel like bringing anything up unless its worth this cycle so I rarely ever express my disappointment. The last time this happened was my birthday, she asked me what I wanted and I said I'd like to go out to dinner at a nice restaurant. She said "okay we can do that" and come the day of my birthday I ask her when were going out to eat and she said "whenever" I asked if she had made a reservation and she said "I don't think we'll need one" so I'm like "okay where are we going then?" and then I got the "oh wherever you want". And I understand this seems like a really small and stupid thing but I just felt totally unseen and uncared for in that moment, I told her it was upsetting to me that she couldn't have been bothered to even pick a restaurant or even run me through a few options and that it was all on me again. That just started the spiral of "im sorry" "you didnt tell me where you wanted to go" and tears about being a terrible partner. So of course how did this end up? With me comforting her and picking a restaurant. The other behavior she'll have when something like this happens is to start "lawyering" how much information I gave her or exactly what I said until I get exhausted and just drop it. Like "you didn't explicitly say you wanted me to choose a restaurant and make a reservation, you just said you wanted to go out" or "you just said you wanted to go out to eat you didnt say I would be included so why would I plan something?" So I guess my question is where do I go from here? I'm sick of feeling like the project manager of my own intimacy and everytime I try to talk to her she just avoids the conflict until she can sweep it under the rug and get back to "normal". Outside of this dynamic she's a very loving partner (despite what the above impression might give) and I'm very certain of her affection and desire for me, she just doesn't express it without me giving her a step by step instruction of how to do so. I'm sorry if this doesnt make sense but basically its the whole "it wasnt about the flowers" thing.

I'm sorry that you've spent so long in a relationship where you're not allowed to have needs or feelings or ever be disappointed that you actually think this is something small that shouldn't matter and that you're stupid for being weighed down by something that is 100% completely, absolutely, totally exhausting and shitty to have to put up with. Your relationship is extremely unhealthy and one-sided, and it's honestly amazing you've powered through for this damn long.

My suggestions are:

Stop managing everything. If she asks you questions, don't answer them. She is, presumably, a full grown, capable, competent adult who knows how to look up "how to buy movie tickets" or "nearest movie theater to me" or call an employee to ask for their help. Stop giving into her learned helplessness/weaponized incompetence. Your new line is "I don't know. You pick." "I don't know. I thought we wanted to spend time together, but if you don't, that's your choice." "I don't know. Do what you want."

Spend more time with the rest of your social circle remembering that you're a great person worthy of love and effort.

Tell her you need her to start solo therapy for this issue and couples counseling. This is more powerful if you're at a breaking point and ready to start consulting a lawyer, but that's up to you. Literally every relationship needs communication to thrive, and that's completely absent here. This is not a good relationship. You both deserve a good relationship. Let's hope she's willing to do the work for that.

Solo therapy for you isn't a bad idea either to help reset your idea of normal. This isn't normal. Your wife's lack of confidence and self-esteem absolutely sucks for both of you. Somewhere safe to vent about this and remember how to validate your own feelings wouldn't hurt. And, you can't control if she's willing to get therapy or if she's willing to do the work of growing. You can control if you are.

[help-my-relationship]

My ex(24F) and i (29M) broke up, how can i treat her now that she is giving me another chance?

Long story short after dating 1.5 years me and my ex broke-up 7 days ago because she lost her trust for me. The reason is that i promised to change my behavior, stop making unnecessary drama and start really listening her. I failed multiple times and last Thursday in the heat of the moment and drunk i displayed an awful behavior. I thought that she broke up with me so i deleted her on socials and accepted it. Next day i went to her place and she told me she didn’t do it, that i was the one who broke up with her and decided to accept it as well because she doesn’t trust me anymore. I know it’s my responsibility, accepted it and asked for her forgiveness. She declined for obvious reason and i’m fine with it. I want to clarify, alcohol it’s not an excuse, i have unresolved childhood issues that i need to resolve but alcohol it is a trigger. After 1 year, i went back to my therapist to address these issues once and for all because she doesn’t deserve to pay for the broken glasses plus i am ashamed of myself for putting her in that position. I’m cutting alcohol at least until I’m stable enough and in peace with myself. The day after i went to her place again and she told me that she is willing to give me a chance to earn her trust back. And then we can talk about being Bf/Gf again. I’m ok with her decision. To be honest i thought she wouldn’t want to talk to me again but she told me that stop talking doesn’t resolve problems. The least i can do is for once start changing and take accountability of my actions, become a better person and accept this is going to take time and patience. Now my question, How can i handle this situation? I know that in these situations normally both exes take distance to heal and rethink everything. But to my surprise she wants to see me everyday like before and i’m thankful for that. It’s not the same of course but we still cuddle, she invites me to lunch at her place, she wants me to kiss her cheeks spend time together and all of that. But we are not a couple anymore. we don’t have boundaries anymore and whatever happens i can’t say anything cuz well we are not a couple. Like i said she wants to act like a couple. She wants to see me like before, cuddle, sleep together and all of that but at the same time i don’t know if this can have a negative impact later and maybe the rigth thing to do is take some space. At the same time i’m worried that if i take space she is going to think i don’t love her or that i don’t care about her.

Sit down and get really honest with yourself: do you think you can appropriately focus on your self-improvement and sobriety and handle this relationship (or any relationship)?

[help-my-relationship]

What’s the difference between maintaining independence and being avoidant in a relationship ? 25F and 26M long distance issues

My (25F) boyfriend (26M) and I are having fights pretty often and I can’t tell what to do. I know i’m not perfect and can always stand to have accountability and growth especially within a relationship.

We’ve been dating for about a year now, it has always been somewhat of a rocky road as we are long distance (about 3 hour drive), our biggest issue seems to be he doesn’t feel reassured enough- especially when it comes to me living my life outside of his field of awareness. He wants to be in the know about anything i’m doing, if i’m meeting new people and connecting with them, if i’m having late nights, etc.

For context i’m super extroverted , really value my independence as a women, and really value connecting with new people and new communities. We’re both DJs and share a love for nightlife and a fair amount of our professional life is involved in music and late nights.

I like spontaneity and sometimes will forget to let him know if i decide to go do something new. Maybe my roomate will invite me along to hang out with a new groups of people. I try to let him know before and definitely after i do something, but sometimes it’s not enough. Sometimes he’ll just nag at me for staying out too late or for being in a group of people he doesn’t know- almost always questioning their intentions and my awareness of their intentions.

We talk every day on the phone without fail, if i forget to text him it is either because i’m busy at work (also have a day job) or doing something he knows i can’t be on my phone during- which i always try to let him know.

I’ve gotten a lot better about keeping him in the loop because obviously i want him to feel reassured and if it means texting him more then i try to do that.

It’s just that everytime he gets upset that I have given my attention else where or decide to do something for myself, i feel myself pushing away. it feels like an attack on my independence. I can’t tell if i’m being avoidant by wanting to have something’s to myself. It’s not that I don’t want to include him, it’s that he’s not here as we have a long distance relationship, and I will continue to live my life for myself when we’re not together. I can’t tell if he’s being insecure about things or if i’m not upholding the standards of wha a normal relationship should look like

Am I unreasonable to want to have my own life, to have something’s just for myself? I have A LOT of friends but i’ve stopped talking to some of them when we dated because they are of the opposite sex and i know he wouldn’t agree with that. I want to make this work, i want to validate him, but i also want to maintain my own boundaries of “i do what i want to do”- given the fact that it doesn’t disrespect our relationship (i wouldn’t hang out with a guy one on one, or allow myself to be in a flirtatious situation).

He says he trusts me, he just wants to be reassured more. There’s obviously so much nuance to a relationship and humans are complex creatures. I just want to have a strong enough relationship we trust each other to do our own thing and come back to each other as a safe space. Obviously we share activities too and we both sacrifice a lot to see each other on weekends. I don’t know how to balance it all- seeing him and sacrificing my weekends plus validating him when we’re not together.

Do i just need to get over myself and listen to his needs and try harder to text him and keep him in the loop? Or dos he need to get over his insecurities and trust me to live my life? Am i being avoidant by keeping that a firm boundary?

please me nice to me, again humans are complex and nuanced and our relationship is much greater than just this problem- i just want to understand where a valid line in the sand is on this issue.

thanks for letting me vent, don’t even know how to get all of the details in a few paragraphs but tried my best.

What exactly is the draw of dating a jerk who doesn't trust you and constantly monitors you, tries to control you, and costs you friends and experiences? You don't need to answer. I know that abusers are really charismatic and good at gaslighting so you don't even believe you're being abused.

[help-my-relationship]

Hi I'm the anon that sent an ask about a super insecure friend who was draining. I think you tagged it with african_violet? It's over, we don't talk anymore, and the more I think back the more I realize how immensely fucked up it was of them to do that to me. I hardly even felt like their friend, more just like some kind of weird therapist that didn't help at all. They told me the exact day and method they planned to kill themself (they're still alive, the date has passed). Friends don't do that to each other. Your advice was wonderful, it helped a lot. And it worked! I'm out of the friendship! I don't have to deal with it anymore! Thank you very much for all of your help.

I'm so relieved for you! That was a difficult situation for you, especially in the midst of it. I'm really proud of you for taking a healthy step for yourself and doing what you needed to do to protect your mental health and wellbeing. I'm glad you're doing well; thanks for checking back in!

[help-my-relationship]

Update: I (30F) told my boyfriend (32M) to stop managing me, now he wants weekly check-ins (2 years)

I am 30F and my boyfriend is 32M. Together two years, living together about eight months. This is an update to my earlier post about him treating me like a self-improvement project. I took the advice to be direct. I told him I need empathy first and that I do not want solutions unless I ask. I gave a concrete example: if I say I am overwhelmed, I want something like 'that sounds rough' and maybe a hug, not a plan. He actually listened in the moment and apologized. For about a week it was better. Then he came to me with what he called a compromise: a weekly 30 minute check-in where we talk about goals, habits, budgets, and anything we want to improve. He said this way he could keep his fixing energy contained and I would not feel ambushed during random conversations. I get why he thinks that would help, but I have a pit in my stomach because it still makes our relationship feel like a performance review. I already meal prep and track things on my watch because it helps me, but having a scheduled meeting makes me feel like I am going to be graded. When I said that, he went quiet and told me he was trying to meet me halfway, and that without some structure he would feel like he was walking on eggshells about speaking. Specific ask: How do I propose a boundary that lets him communicate without turning it into a weekly evaluation of me? If a check-in can work, what ground rules would actually stop it from becoming him coaching me?

Your answer is no. You don't need to offer him a counter-compromise. You don't need to compromise on this at all. He can find appropriate, consensual avenues for his "fixing energy" (such as himself) or you two can take this as an incompatibility and move on. There really isn't a compromise to offer here. You two can either make peace with this difference or you can't.

And if he were writing here, I would suggest to him that if he's set on a relationship with someone he needs to fix, he's going to find himself in a long-term whirlwind of toxic and dead end relationships because that's a path to connecting with people who really aren't in a place to even be in a relationship.

[help-my-relationship]

42F, married to my husband 36M for 10 years - Accountability and Trust

I'm a 42F, married to my husband 36M for 10 years. I'm trying to understand a situation better, but my heart and head are both telling me that the approach my husband took says more about him than it does about me.

I recently found a receipt for an app he purchased seven years ago. It was a casual dating app that explicitly advertised meeting singles nearby. It looks like he signed up for a free trial that rolled into a

one-month paid subscription and then stopped. I hesitated to bring it up because it was so long ago, but it's brought up a lot of questions for me concerning our relationship.

When I asked him about it, he first said I don't remember that app. But then stated a few minutes later, "Remember, I told you about Tinder. I was checking to see if you had any dating profiles."

I followed it up to say that many people confront their loved ones when they feel uncomfortable or seek reassurance or have

suspicion about cheating. I mentioned he's always had access to my phone. He knows my passcode. And in fact, he's been in my phone, as I have with him. Both of us have issues with trusting the other partner. I'm just not aware of partners downloading a dating app to check up on the other partner? As i'm sure it's possible, and it could be true. It just leaves me with a sour taste and why go a full month? Why not discuss it with me?

I told him I vaguely remember that conversation, but he never actually showed me the profile he created. And he never disclosed this other app at all. So here we are, seven years later, and I'm just now finding out.

This isn't the first time something like this has happened. When we were exclusively dating and I was out of town, he had interactions on Craigslist. He swore he never met anyone, but I only found out because I saw it on my computer--he didn't tell me himself. The pattern over the years has been secrecy, lack of transparency, emotional withdrawal, and difficulty taking accountability. He often accuses me of cheating, or he brings up fantasies about watching me have sex with someone else while he's in the room.

I have never cheated. When people have tried to flirt with me or ask me out, I always feel anxious, I let them know I am married, and remove myself from the situation immediately. Loyalty and trust are important. I’m extremely committed, and I hold myself to high standards in relationships. I could never feel good about misleading or betraying someone I love.

My first husband was on a dating website and was actively seeking- i actually saw the website. A few years later he was meeting up with someone before and after work.

So when I went into my current marriage, I let it be known that if he changed his mind or wanted to pursue other people that he would tell me before acting on it. I think now, how stupid this is, as I'm not sure that many partners would actually be adult about their feelings?

Sometimes I believe my husband may have bipolar disorder but has never been properly assessed. He has not committed to counseling. He also has a history of being sexually abused as a child.

I've tried to understand how that shapes his view of relationships and sexuality, but I'm realizing that I've been trying to hold his entire emotional world together, while mine is getting more intense internally. I find that I love and hate him at the same time. In our current state, I have not seen any evidence of what I believe would be a form of cheating, but given the history in the lack of accountability, it has me really wondering about us. It would take a lot for me to get a divorce, as I truly love him, but I do find myself ambivalent.

I'm trying to figure out what this means. Does this pattern of secrecy and partial disclosure sound familiar to anyone? What did it mean in your situation? For those familiar with childhood sexual trauma, how might it show up in adult intimacy and trust? How do you interpret a partner who only admits things when confronted, and very seldom proactively? Has anyone dealt with a partner who expresses voyeuristic fantasies but also fears infidelity? My mind is exhausted.

Not trusting your partner, non-consensual dating site use, accusations of cheating, defensiveness, refusing to get the help you need to grow and become a better partner, being exhausted by your partner... These are all signs of an unhealthy relationship. Do with that what you will.

[amvs]

ppl who don’t make an effort to listen to their partner(s) abt their interests bc they “don’t like it” scare me

[amvs]

exactly. it’s not about whether you like it or understand it. it’s about sharing their joy and learning about who they are.

[amvs]

Real and true

[lobstabear]

To my 25 - 35 year olds, you've reached the age where people around you are starting to give up on themselves because they think it's too late. Don't let that energy rub off on you. It's not too late.

[knittingontheroad]

I became a tattoo artist at 49.

Married the love of my life at 50.

Got my Class A CDL at 59.

You've got time.

As long as you're breathing, you've got time.

[fuckyeahcomicsbaby]

You don’t have to love your body

[naamahdarling]

I really needed to read this today. Thank you.

[doyoulovethewayzeylily]

imagine you had a friend who constantly made jokes at the expense of something you loved. they're never funny, but they seem to expect you to laugh even though the punchline is just, "this thing you love sucks ass". it's not even really a joke, there's nothing funny about it, you can tell that they genuinely actually believe it. but they insist it's just a joke!

no matter what the situation is, they're always bringing the social interaction to a screeching halt with these jokes. nobody ever wants to participate in this joke with them. nobody agrees with the premise. nobody ever knows what to say afterwards, it's just an awkward moment and a subject change. but they just keep doing it.

you have to stop with the self-deprecatory "humor", it's not fun for anyone including you.

[doyoulovethewayzeylily]

#actual advice: switch to self-aggrandizing humor #have the biggest ego in the world even if it's fake #does wonders

as the smartest and most beautiful woman in the world, I can confirm this

[hardgockcafe]

Self aggrandizing humor saves lives. I’m an authority on this since I’m legitimately the coolest girl in the world.

[help-my-relationship]

Do I (36F) keep compromising my identity to preserve my relationship with my brother (38M)?

I (36F, Trans) have been with my spouse (36NB) for 12 years and we've been married for 9. I came out to them about my gender struggles just a couple of weeks into dating back in 2014, and they've been my biggest supporter ever since.

I began socially transitioning in 2023, started hormone replacement therapy in 2024, and legally changed my name in 2025. Even then, I intentionally chose a name that was almost identical to my birth name, simply adding one letter to make it feminine. I did that because I genuinely wanted to make the adjustment as easy as possible for my family. My brother, however, still refuses to use my name and pronouns.

Thankfully, my transition has gone very well. I live in a fairly conservative rural area, yet most strangers simply see me as another woman. I get gendered correctly everywhere I go, women strike up conversations with me in public restrooms, and for the most part my day-to-day life has become normal. That's something I never thought I'd get to experience.

Unfortunately, my family hasn't had the same reaction. Most of my extended family has gradually stopped talking to me. I've even been told that family gatherings with cousins, aunts, and uncles have become less frequent because people feel awkward about excluding me. That's been incredibly painful. On my spouse's side, things have actually improved a lot. My mother-in-law, father-in-law, and sister-in-law have really come around over the last year, and I genuinely appreciate the effort they've made. The difficult relationship is with my older brother (38M).

This isn't new information to him. I talked to him about my gender struggles when we were teenagers, so my transition wasn't something that came completely out of nowhere. About two years ago, while I was still early in my transition, he told me my appearance was difficult for him and asked if I could "tone down" my femininity around him and his family. I didn't like the request, but I agreed because I wanted to preserve our relationship. For the past two years, I've tried to do exactly that.

Fast forward to today, and my life has completely changed. I've worked professionally as a woman, built an entirely new friend group as a woman, and my longtime friends have either accepted my transition to the point where it's simply a non-issue. Life has settled into a place where I finally feel comfortable being myself. My gamer friends are mostly guys and they are misogynistic towards me which is surprisingly validating at times lol.

As for how I dress, I do wear dresses more often than the average woman, especially during the summer because they're comfortable and practical. I also wear shorts, tank tops, and other casual clothes depending on what I'm doing. I don't wear jeans very often because I simply don't find them comfortable. Dresses are just my default because I genuinely enjoy wearing them.

Recently, my brother brought the issue up again. His oldest daughter, who is turning five soon, has started asking questions about me, and he asked if I would stop wearing dresses around his kids because he isn't comfortable answering those questions. What makes this difficult is that two years ago the request was about his own discomfort. Now the reason has changed, but I'm once again being asked to change how I present myself.

I genuinely value respectful conversations and open dialogue. I'm not interested in forcing my views on anyone, and I'm actually happy to answer respectful questions if someone is genuinely trying to understand my experience. At the same time, many of the things my brother says use language that closely resembles the rhetoric I hear in political discussions surrounding transgender people. Whether that's his intention or not, those conversations are deeply hurtful because they make me feel like my existence is something that needs to be managed rather than accepted.

That's where I'm struggling. On the surface, it sounds like a simple question: "Is wearing a dress really more important than your relationship with your brother?" But to me, it doesn't feel like it's about a dress anymore. It feels like I've already spent two years compromising, and now that I've finally built a life where I'm accepted almost everywhere else, I'm being asked to compromise again. It doesn't feel like changing clothes. It feels like being asked to be less myself for someone else's comfort.

I honestly don't know where the line is between making reasonable compromises for family and compromising so much that I lose pieces of who I am. If you were in my position, would you continue accommodating your brother to preserve the relationship, or is there a point where it's reasonable to say, "This is who I am, and if that's a problem, that's something you have to work through"? I'd especially appreciate perspectives from people who've had to navigate difficult family relationships, regardless of whether gender identity was involved.

Your brother is a manipulative jackass, and the point at which it was appropriate to stop "accommodating" his bigotry was always. He's not asking you to not wear a dress. He's asking you to let him violently misgender and hurt you. You've seen so many other people in your life show you what love and acceptance is. Don't hold onto this dirtbag under the guise of blood. He's not worth it. Doing this will kill you. He is asking you to kill yourself. You don't have to kill yourself for him to live. That's shitty as fuck. Your self is not an opinion topic for discussion. You have the fucking right to live, and fuck anybody who makes you feel otherwise. There is no relationship with your brother left to preserve. He has completely and thoroughly murdered that with his discompassion and hatred and consistent propensity to harm you.

[help-my-relationship]

My 23F partner 25M cancelled our weekend trip to visit his friends?

My Bf and I are currently long distance and planned a weekend getaway in a city half way from both our Universities. I initiated and proposed the plan, as I wanted to see him and would not get the opportunity later until October. We have been planning this for the past 4 days, I already booked my tickets. He has a friend's group he hasn't seen in 6 months and they happen to be visiting a city near his Uni (about the same distance as our destination) on the same weekend of our planned trip. He got to know about this today and wants to go to visit them instead. I am upset. I want that he gets to see his friends and has a lovely time but feel like bollocks being aired like that. I rearranged my work, took an extra weekend shift this week to get that weekend off, even though I would have loved to use this weekend to study for my exam. I booked tickets right after my exam to reach there as he wanted us to spend at least 2 days together. The travel for me would have been 4.5 hours and him 2.5hrs. I am quite miffed about this entire situation and want an unbiased perspective on whether my reaction is justified before I say anything.

A reaction is an action. All you've done is described your feelings, which everyone is always allowed to feel, just or outsized or not. A reaction would be telling him about your feelings and letting him make a decision based on that or breaking up with him or choosing to cancel everything and study for your exam. If you want us to judge your reaction, then you need to tell us what it is you actually want to do. If you're asking if it's okay to say that you're not okay with him canceling, then of course that's reasonable. Is that going to result in a resentment-free weekend for either of you? I have no idea. That's up to you two.

[help-my-relationship]

40F, 37M - Is my ex trying to rebuild our relationship or am I being breadcrumbed?

I’m looking for honest opinions because I’ve been too close to this situation for a while now. My ex and I broke up about a month ago. He was the one who ended the relationship. At the time, he said he needed to “step away” because the relationship had become unhealthy and we had lost mutual respect. But he also told me things like: He still loved me. He wanted to be with me. The breakup wasn’t necessarily permanent. He wasn’t going to date, flirt with, or see anyone else. If we were meant to be together, we’d find our way back to each other someday. So from the beginning, I wasn’t given a clean breakup. I was given a breakup with an open door and no timeline. The part I’m struggling with now is how he describes what happened. He often says he felt “forced” to break up with me, or that it was “both of our decisions,” even though he was the one who actually ended the relationship. I fully accept that I made mistakes. I’m not claiming I was the perfect partner, and I know I contributed to problems in the relationship. Another piece that hurts is that he previously stayed in an unhealthy marriage for years, yet our relationship lasted only about six months before he decided to end it. I know every relationship is different, but it’s hard not to internalize that as, “I wasn’t worth fighting for.” At the same time, he says he panicked, wasn’t willing to risk losing me, and that he wants to be with me. Those statements seem completely at odds with the decision to end the relationship. So I feel stuck in this strange in-between place where I’m expected to understand why he left, continue proving myself, and hold onto hope, while there’s no clear indication that he’s actively working toward reconciliation. This is where I need outside perspectives. Does this sound like someone who genuinely intends to rebuild a relationship but is moving slowly? Or does it sound more like someone who wants to keep me emotionally attached without actually committing to rebuilding anything? I’m especially interested in hearing from people who have experienced genuine reconciliation after a breakup. Looking back, what made you realize your ex was truly working toward getting back together rather than simply keeping you emotionally invested? I don’t want validation that he’s a bad person. I’m genuinely trying to understand whether I’m interpreting this situation realistically, or whether I’m holding onto something that isn’t actually there.

Someone who wants to build a genuine relationship with you doesn't dump you. Block him and move on.

Pretty much everyone who has been through this is going to tell you, like I am, that letting him back in just means the same thing is going to happen over and over and over again until you finally decide to choose your own happiness and mental health. Why waste your life over a six month relationship???

[help-my-relationship]

I (27M) broke up with my long term gf (25F) 5 months ago and it’s destroying me. Can I reach out still?

Basically, after 6 years of medium distance dating I broke up with my gf. We got along great and I really loved her, but I had been feeling sexually repressed towards the end of our relationship. We always had trouble building the sexual side of our relationship, due to the fact it was painful for her and as the years went on the pressure to perform was high for her. In the end and in a moment of emotional distress, I broke things off, suddenly and without warning. Since then my life has gotten progressively worse. My mental health has plummeted, my friendships and family relationships have taken a toll due to my isolation / shame, I dived head first into my vices of weed and distractions to avoid feeling anything. I haven’t done anything with anyone else since then, as I’ve been trying to sort my shit out and learn from all this but it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s been a constant struggle just to stay afloat and during all this, I keep wondering if I made the right call. When I tell people my story, they tell me I did the right thing because sexual compatibility is important in relationships, and I tried take their word for it. But looking back, my communication skills were non existent, and my emotional intelligence was at an all time low. I was dealing with a lot of family deaths the last few years, and relied heavily on video games and weed to numb my thoughts, leaving her in the dark. I keep thinking what would have happened if I just opened up and talked to her about my fears and worries, that maybe things would have been different. I had the habit of letting my emotions build up and then throwing it all at her at once, leaving her blindsided and confused. I just can’t help but think things could have been different if I did more. Long story short, Im debating if I should try and reach out to her, just to talk. I have no expectations of getting back together, but since ending it I’ve come to realize a lot of things about myself that needed to change, and wanted to see how she feels about everything post breakup. I also want to respect her space, and realize that it’s a very selfish thing to reach out when I was the one who ended things. I’m caught in an awful mental loop and could really use an outside perspective.

It's exceedingly unfair and selfish to reach out to the person you dumped so you can feel better about yourself. You need therapy, not your ex. Don't dump this shit on someone you already fucking dumped. It's not her problem. It's yours, so get the appropriate help and support for it, such as a professional.

[help-my-relationship]

My BF (M31) has lied to me (F25) about everything...

My BF and I have been dating nearly 2 years and have been living together for a year, and we just moved into a new townhome this week. Tbh I dont even know how or where to start... all I know is that there is a lot... and I want to talk about it with my bf. When I first met my boyfriend, he told me he was a lawyer and graduated at Vanderbilt Law. I saw a picture of "him" with a law degree..... so far, I have been unable to find him in the Vanderbilt Alumni and the directory of lawyers in my state..... I also have struggled building a relationship with his family for the past 2 years, being left on read half the damn time when I try to text them, despite me trying to do my part in being involved and part of "the family"... I was never invited to family vacations, despite his sister's bf being invited to them (who has dated his sister for less time than me) ... wondering why and finding out that my bf has been talking shit behind my back half the time going so far to call me names too, like "stupid" to his mother... he doesn't know I know this, but I assume this is true for his friends too, since he often has told me how his friends and family him "how awful I treat him".... The one thing I have been able to confront him on is him texting an ex. He gave me shit for it, too, despite him acknowledging it was wrong to do BEFORE I had told I knew what he did. I'm honestly not sure how to approach this with him, I don't think I will talk to him about knowing him shit talking me, since he will just immediately spin it as to why I checked his phone (at which point, it is obvious as to why I decided to look at his phone....to much shit has not been adding up).... I want to approach him about his education and career stuff.... how and what do it do.... ?

What are you hoping to get out of this conversation? You don't need him to admit to anything to break up with him. Honestly, considering, I'd probably just ghost him. Closure is the gift you give yourself.

[help-my-relationship]

My F21 partner M21 said he doesn’t consider it cheating if I have intimacy with a woman, why did he say that?

me F21 bisexual and my boyfriend M21 heterosexual have been in a monogamous relationship for 4 years now. Last night, it was brought up in conversation that my boyfriend feels he wouldn’t consider me having sex with another woman or kissing another woman cheating. He said he feels it doesn’t count since there’s no penetration of a male part entering a females part during woman on woman sex. He also said it doesn’t count as cheating if I kiss/ make-out with a woman since they’re the same gender as me. I tried to explain that I still consider that cheating just because there’s no penetration sex and just because it’s woman on woman. He told me he would only consider it cheating if I had sex or kissed another man. Him not considering me having sexual intimacy with a woman to be cheating feels like an invalidating way to view bisexuality just because it lacks the threat of the opposite sex. It also makes me feel like he may be unbothered by me having sex with a woman because he may hold a fetishized view of bisexual and lesbian relationships. It made me feel like he might subconsciously categorize a relationship with a woman as "less real" or non-threatening because it lacks the male element that triggers his specific insecurities. It makes me feel like he doesn’t value me or our relationship enough to just not care at all if i decide to be intimate with a woman. I brought it up if he feels this way, then is he interested in a threesome, open relationship, being polygamous, and he said a hard no to all of those. It just makes me question his views of values in a relationship if he thinks the only thing that is considered cheating ever is if I were to have penetration sex with a man. Over the 4 years we’ve never even been in an argument and I would consider our relationship healthy and extremely enjoyable. This is something that’s been brought up for the first time and it leaves me wondering and questioning. Any advice?

Pretty simple. You answered it yourself. He's a misogynistic tool fetishizing your sexuality.

[help-my-relationship]

My (44f) partner (32m) ended the relationship and asked to be friends

Essentially what happened is that my ex withdrawals under stress, and I react anxiously and seek reassurance. We’ve had a lot happen in the last six months (3 deaths, health issues, a job change, etc.) and ultimately because of the health issues he’s been experiencing our sex life became nonexistent and a few months ago he initiated a conversation about finding ways to still make me feel wanted and desired, but the conversation never really went anywhere, I was focusing on trying to feel connected in other ways, and I see now where we both went wrong. A week and a half ago, he spent the night at my house (we live a few hours apart) and in the morning he broke up with me by leaving the keys to my house hidden on the counter and had me walk him outside, kissing me goodbye and acting like it was normal. We had a big blow out over text when I found the keys, he shut down, I panic spiralled, and ultimately decided that we would take a few days to cool down before we spoke. The other day we met up to exchange some things, and we actually had a good conversation, he opened up more than he had, I left space for him to actually hear me without blurting everything out at once and overwhelming him. And he told me that he is completely burnt out and he’s working on it, that he didn’t entirely want to break up but he felt guilty about not being as invested in the relationship, and for now what he really needs is his best friend, and could we do that for now? There’s no guarantee of us getting back together, but there is hope. I told him that I want him in my life because I do, he’s a great person who handled a tough situation in a shitty way, but he’s a good man. I also told him that it’s going to be hard for me, because I do love him, but that I want to be friends and work on ourselves, and essentially told him that if he is ever ready to try and explore more again that he can tell me, but I’m going to work on myself and that I’m not going to wait, and he said good, he doesn’t want me to. How do I address the elephant in the room about if/when one of us is ready to start dating, but decides to look elsewhere? The thought of being best friends with him and then not knowing until he’s actively looking to meet someone else is causing a lot of anxiety for me and I don’t want that to be a problem in our friendship.

You need to go forward with this friendship assuming that he's already ready to start dating and looking elsewhere. I would encourage you to take space until you can accept that. Maybe one day you can be friends, but that doesn't mean you have to be ready right this instant.