Do I (36F) keep compromising my identity to preserve my relationship with my brother (38M)?
I (36F, Trans) have been with my spouse (36NB) for 12 years and we've been married for 9. I came out to them about my gender struggles just a couple of weeks into dating back in 2014, and they've been my biggest supporter ever since.
I began socially transitioning in 2023, started hormone replacement therapy in 2024, and legally changed my name in 2025. Even then, I intentionally chose a name that was almost identical to my birth name, simply adding one letter to make it feminine. I did that because I genuinely wanted to make the adjustment as easy as possible for my family. My brother, however, still refuses to use my name and pronouns.
Thankfully, my transition has gone very well. I live in a fairly conservative rural area, yet most strangers simply see me as another woman. I get gendered correctly everywhere I go, women strike up conversations with me in public restrooms, and for the most part my day-to-day life has become normal. That's something I never thought I'd get to experience.
Unfortunately, my family hasn't had the same reaction. Most of my extended family has gradually stopped talking to me. I've even been told that family gatherings with cousins, aunts, and uncles have become less frequent because people feel awkward about excluding me. That's been incredibly painful. On my spouse's side, things have actually improved a lot. My mother-in-law, father-in-law, and sister-in-law have really come around over the last year, and I genuinely appreciate the effort they've made. The difficult relationship is with my older brother (38M).
This isn't new information to him. I talked to him about my gender struggles when we were teenagers, so my transition wasn't something that came completely out of nowhere. About two years ago, while I was still early in my transition, he told me my appearance was difficult for him and asked if I could "tone down" my femininity around him and his family. I didn't like the request, but I agreed because I wanted to preserve our relationship. For the past two years, I've tried to do exactly that.
Fast forward to today, and my life has completely changed. I've worked professionally as a woman, built an entirely new friend group as a woman, and my longtime friends have either accepted my transition to the point where it's simply a non-issue. Life has settled into a place where I finally feel comfortable being myself. My gamer friends are mostly guys and they are misogynistic towards me which is surprisingly validating at times lol.
As for how I dress, I do wear dresses more often than the average woman, especially during the summer because they're comfortable and practical. I also wear shorts, tank tops, and other casual clothes depending on what I'm doing. I don't wear jeans very often because I simply don't find them comfortable. Dresses are just my default because I genuinely enjoy wearing them.
Recently, my brother brought the issue up again. His oldest daughter, who is turning five soon, has started asking questions about me, and he asked if I would stop wearing dresses around his kids because he isn't comfortable answering those questions. What makes this difficult is that two years ago the request was about his own discomfort. Now the reason has changed, but I'm once again being asked to change how I present myself.
I genuinely value respectful conversations and open dialogue. I'm not interested in forcing my views on anyone, and I'm actually happy to answer respectful questions if someone is genuinely trying to understand my experience. At the same time, many of the things my brother says use language that closely resembles the rhetoric I hear in political discussions surrounding transgender people. Whether that's his intention or not, those conversations are deeply hurtful because they make me feel like my existence is something that needs to be managed rather than accepted.
That's where I'm struggling. On the surface, it sounds like a simple question: "Is wearing a dress really more important than your relationship with your brother?" But to me, it doesn't feel like it's about a dress anymore. It feels like I've already spent two years compromising, and now that I've finally built a life where I'm accepted almost everywhere else, I'm being asked to compromise again. It doesn't feel like changing clothes. It feels like being asked to be less myself for someone else's comfort.
I honestly don't know where the line is between making reasonable compromises for family and compromising so much that I lose pieces of who I am. If you were in my position, would you continue accommodating your brother to preserve the relationship, or is there a point where it's reasonable to say, "This is who I am, and if that's a problem, that's something you have to work through"? I'd especially appreciate perspectives from people who've had to navigate difficult family relationships, regardless of whether gender identity was involved.
Your brother is a manipulative jackass, and the point at which it was appropriate to stop "accommodating" his bigotry was always. He's not asking you to not wear a dress. He's asking you to let him violently misgender and hurt you. You've seen so many other people in your life show you what love and acceptance is. Don't hold onto this dirtbag under the guise of blood. He's not worth it. Doing this will kill you. He is asking you to kill yourself. You don't have to kill yourself for him to live. That's shitty as fuck. Your self is not an opinion topic for discussion. You have the fucking right to live, and fuck anybody who makes you feel otherwise. There is no relationship with your brother left to preserve. He has completely and thoroughly murdered that with his discompassion and hatred and consistent propensity to harm you.
