I underwent a plant medicine induce kundalini awakening. It seems from the outcome that I was not ready for this experience. The world feels like it has turned against me. I read and I find hell surrounds me. I feel like I have lost something, a possibility or a capability. The more I experience the more this becomes real and I feel myself becoming trapped. I have realised all is void of meaning. It was I who transcribed what was meant, now it is just I.
Thinking back however, I would not have been content without knowing this. It was my personality to keep digging, as if I knew what I was looking for. The acceleration of the process was what I was trying to achieve regardless of readiness. It is just now I am scattered and lost and have no one to blame.
I realise there were two paths. One of ignorance and carnal fun. The other of knowledge and inner peace. With ignorance comes a fast death in flames, with knowledge comes purgatoric suffering. I feel I walk with one of these now.
Suicide comes to mind readily these days. If all this is meaningless I want to start again to see if I can reach the other path. But with each day I find something grows within. I experience discernment for those who walk the other path. I understand their drive. But what comes of this? A single human life will not dictate the outcome of our transcendental game. We all contribute however, to one side or the other.
My ancestral karma lead me to follow my path and if I choose I can bring it to an end. But I will remember the capability of the human. Magick, symbolic communication, altered states, ego death, comedy, art, war, sex, dopamine, napalm... All still exist. Oh this game can be so much fun, who wants to play?