#cokevent

[computercoke]

A little background to my previous post.

Though, today was horrible. I had started my period but I still wanted to work out and hopefully get bigger. I am the smallest one there. 5'3 and petite while surrounded by bigger and taller guys. Because of my stature, I get mistaken for a 15-year-old, or high schooler as I've been told. The guys that approach me are young and really immature. It turns me off the way they talk to me. But when I talk to the older guys they are much more respectful and caring. Really nice people. I really look up to my gym-dad though. We kicked off just like that. He's almost like a father figure to me, though, I find him attractive. He's tall, handsome, and sports various tattoos throughout his arms. He's divorced with one child and lives near me. He's buff too. He always reaches out to me when I'm on my own. There to support me. Like the dad I never had. I must have felt more sentimental or emotional because of my period. I was trying to be a bit distant, just looming. I drank my tea in an area that I shouldn't have and got called out because of it. Everyone looked at me as I apologized. I am not one to get easily embarrassed though, I didn't want all those eyes looking at me. I couldn't explain that I was on my period either in front of all those guys so I got up and put it away.

Today's not perfect. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

[computercoke]

I need this time to vent... I'm on the verge of tears, yet I can't cry. Not in my household because I don't want to be bothered. Anyways. Do you guys remember my gym dad? One of the older guys at my gym who's always there for me? So I got his number recently. I really like him. Maybe a bit too much. Every time his name appears on my phone my heart drops and my stomach gets full with butterflies. It feels so right, yet so wrong. I feel ashamed. Gross. And to top it all off, I think he's flirting with me. I'm a very touch-starved girl. I don't know if he's flirting with me or not. I don't know. But it scares me. I don't want our friendship to be ruined. Yes, I like him, but I can't be with him. He's as old as my dad. And I see him as the dad I never had.. I'm afraid. I really want to just be friends with him. People already give me weird looks at the gym because I hang out with him too much.

Aside from this. Although I'm an adult, a young adult, my mom still watches my back when I'm at the gym. I still live with my parents. I'm independent, though, not that independent. I am paying for my own membership after all.

I still rely on my parents for almost everything. I'm not a complete adult, really. Well, I would be crying my heart out if I lived alone. Yet, I can't. I'm going to talk to him tomorrow about it. If I can. My mom always pulls me out of the gym as soon as the class ends. And me talking to him in private might raise some eyebrows. I don't know what to do. I just hope that I'm reading the signs wrong and that he's not actually flirting with me.

[computercoke]

Gym was hard today. Bruises and all things scary. Doing martial arts with the guys there as a very small frail woman is very scary. I ended up crying towards the end of it. At the end of the class, I broke down in tears as everyone walked past me. I sat down next to my gym dad as tears shed from my eyes. He asked me if I was ok while everyone else walked past me like nothing. My throat felt constricted and I couldn't speak. I continued crying as I sniffled. "I-it's just hard," I said, my nose red and swollen from crying.

"But it's good that you're crying," he said, trying to cheer me up, a smile on his face.

I watched as the bigger men ran in a circle as their warmup.

"I guess," I sniffled.

People behind us walked by as they did their best not to look our way, not wanting to give me an ounce of sympathy.

"What makes it hard? That it's all dudes?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Every time I get beat up it's always by dudes," I confessed.

He sighed. "I'm sorry that happens. All this stuff must trigger you huh?"

I nodded.

"You know, it's scary for me too. There's guys that will beat my ass. Like him," he pointed to one of the guys warming up.

He looked over at me, "I can always pair you up with someone who'll be more gentle with you. I even encourage you to be rough with me when we're fighting."

I fidgeted with my fingers. As he sat with his knees close to him, a hug from him would have felt very comforting. His dark tattooed arms wrapped around me as I'd take in his scent, not caring that he'd be sweaty as I would be too. Though we weren't at that level of friendship yet, so I brushed off the thought.

I continued to rant about the guys at the gym and guys in general as he heard me out. From my major being slammed to me being put down for wearing makeup at the gym he nodded in sympathy.

It was always nice talking to him. He's a constant reminder that older guys are more caring, sympathetic, and overall mature.

Before I left, I checked in at the front desk about my payment and its charges. Even they didn't seem to care about my well-being. They didn't even ask me if I was ok.

Wearing my sunglasses to mask my tears I waved goodbye to him.

"Take care, (y/n)."

"You too."

He even asked me if I would come tomorrow. I wasn't feeling up for it, but now I'm considering it.