I Can’t Lose You (Colin Ritman x Reader) (Bandersnatch)
A/N: LADIES AND GENTS LET ME TELL YOU I AM WINDED. This took SO LONG. It’s SO LONG. No one asked for this, but I’m sad and oddly emotional due to crazy things from the past????? Idk, enough of my drama y’all came for the imagine...here’s some crazy angst WITH LOADS OF FLUFF DON’T WORRY!!!!! I won’t be able to post tomorrow, but I will DEF BE POSTING THE OTIS SMUT AND THE COLIN FLUFF ON SUNDAY!!!!!! IT’S GONNA ACTUALLY HAPPEN PEOPLE! ANYWAY, PLS ENJOY THIS!!!!!
Summary: Colin reveals his past trauma with his father to the reader, and the old man pays an unwanted visit.
Warnings: Mentioned/implied child abuse/physical abuse, implied fighting, mentioned/implied mental abuse, lots of language, angst, FLUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Word Count: 2,318 uuuuuuuuuuwwwwwuuuuugggggghhhh so long
Your forehead presses against the cold and unwelcoming glass, yet you stay exactly where you are, peering down at the city street underneath you. It’s dark and late, the only light coming from other buildings and neon signs. The few people walking below look so small, so insignificant compared to the problems happening up above, yet the movement made your heart clench with fear.
One of those people would be Colin, and in practically no time at all he would come up to your shared flat, and then…
Well you didn’t know what would happen past that, specifically because you didn’t want to. You just knew that Colin hadn’t been there, that he had been so rushed with you lately. You were tired of it. After dating him for three years, and knowing each other for even longer, you expected more from him. It wasn’t even as though you expected perfection.
You simply expected his love.
The love he promised he would never be able to lose.
You and Colin had clicked instantly. In fact, you had a crush on him from the very first second you saw him. You were going to meet your friend, Stefan, who worked at Tuckersoft, for lunch when you came across the blonde haired boy. He charmed you with the cock of an eyebrow, the glimmer of his crystal blue eyes. A slight adjustment of his square, silver frames, a quick kick to obnoxiously rest his feet on the desk in front of him, and you were all his.
But it felt like things had changed. You imagined that on the nights that he told you he was working late, he was really with another woman.
Maybe Kitty came back? Maybe it’s someone new? You think to yourself. The “Kitty” scenario was the scariest to you, because it was the most realistic. Kitty had left Colin three months before you and he started dating, and she took Pearl with her. You were Colin’s best friend at the time, and you consoled him throughout the whole ordeal. If she came back all of a sudden, especially with Pearl, you thought maybe, just maybe, Colin would go back to her.
When you asked Stefan, about it, he immediately shut you down. “No way, Colin legitimately is working on his game. Don’t worry (Y/N), we both know how Colin was when Kitty left, and just from that I can easily tell you he’d never go back to her,” Stefan had reassuringly said to you. A week later, you still didn’t believe him.
Suddenly, you hear the handle of the door to your flat twist, bringing you back to reality as keys jingle from the other side of the door. You immediately tense up, goosebumps spreading up and down your arms. You shudder, swallowing deeply as you push your fly-aways behind your ears. The door opens, and a familiar, tall, blonde figure trods into the flat.
He removes his glasses and rubs his face tiredly, too caught up in his exhaustion to even notice you sitting on the couch as he passes you right by.
“Colin, it’s one in the morning,” You choke as you feel the inevitable tears rush to your eyes.
Colin jumps at your words. “Jesus Christ I didn’t see you there, love,” Colin mumbles, walking over to the couch, a hand brushing through his platinum blonde hair. He stands in front of you, placing his silver rims back on the bridge of his nose. He smiles lightly, and you shake your head.
“We need to talk, Colin,” You finally muster the courage to say. Colin glances at you, a confused look spreading across his face. He pushes his silver rims farther up the bridge of his nose and takes a deep breath.
“Look, I know I haven’t been home very often, but I-,”
You cut Colin off, holding back your tears with all of the strength inside of you. “Just stop, Colin. I feel like I don’t know you anymore. It isn’t that you aren’t home very often, you’re practically never home at all,” You pause, collecting your thoughts. “You leave before I wake up, and you come home when I’m already sleeping. And God, when you are home you’re such jackass to me…” You trail off, not sure how to go on. Those words hurt to say more than you thought they would.
“I know and I’m so-,”
You cut him off again, “Listen, if you don’t love me anymore,” You pause, taking a deep breath as tears roll down your cheeks, “just fucking tell me now. We can’t keep doing this Colin. I can’t keep doing this.”
Colin shakes his head as he takes a seat in the chair next to you. His elbows rest on his knees, and he puts his head in his hands. “You really think I’ve fallen out of love with you, don’t you?” Colin asks, looking up for a split second before crashing back down to where he was.
You nod. “Yes,” You say, studying his position. He looks miserable, almost as if your accusations and assumptions made him feel even worse than he had been. He really didn’t see this coming, You think to yourself.
“That’s absolutely fucking ridiculous,” He says, standing up abruptly. He paces the room angrily. “I’d do anything for you. I’d sell my soul, I’d jump in front of a train, hell I’d jump off the bloody balcony!” Colin shouts like a mad man, pointing towards the terrace as his ocean eyes grow wider, his nostrils flaring. You stare at each other intensely for a second, before he proceeds to pace back and forth across the flat.
“Then why don’t you act like it, Colin?” You scream finally, standing up now as well. Colin stops pacing, his back now facing you. Silence falls upon the room once again. It feels like hours go by, and Colin still says nothing.
“Fine,” You mumble, “Then I guess I’m leaving…” You trail off, running into the bedroom, ready to collect your things and leave. You hear Colin’s feet shuffle across the floor as he chases behind you.
You violently throw the bedroom door open, rushing over to your shared dresser. Before you can open a drawer, Colin grabs your shoulders, forcing you to face him.
“I’ve been pushing you away because I’m afraid I’m going to lose you!” Colin shouts, his face bright red, tears filling his eyes.
You’re speechless. Colin had never said anything like this before.
Colin breathes deeply, and then continues. “Kitty left me, and I thought she loved me. I know you aren’t her, I’m bloody terrified nonetheless.”
“I’m not Kitty, Colin. I’m not just going to be here one morning and gone the next. I love you.” Your voice is soft and reassuring.
“Th-there’s some s-stuff I-I haven’t t-told you yet, too,” Colin stutters, turning away from you, moving towards the bed and sitting down on the edge of it.
“You can talk to me, Colin,” You say calmly, sitting down next to the blonde boy. You grab Colin’s shaking hand, holding it carefully in yours.
“It’s about my family, (Y/N),” Colin says, his left knee bouncing anxiously. Every time you had tried to ask Colin about his family, he’d brush the topic aside. You assumed he would tell you when he was ready, and now he was.
“My mother d-died,” Colin swallows harshly, “when I was young. And my father started drinking. He’s a real asswipe, you know?” Colin chuckles, trying to make a joke out of his trauma. “He’s the type that t-takes o-out the g-good old b-belt a-and…” Colin chokes, tears streaming down his face.
He takes off his glasses, setting them down next to him. Colin rubs his face, practically sobbing into his hands.
“Colin, you didn’t deserve to be treated that way, no one does. I’m so, so sorry,” You whisper, your heart clenching as you imagine the abuse Colin as endured.
“Well, he’s back. He came to the flat in the middle of night two weeks ago, while you were sleeping,” Colin breaths, squeezing your hand tightly. “He somehow knows who y-you a-are, and he said that h-he’d hurt you i-if,” Colin pauses, “i-if I didn’t pay him off.”
You don’t know what to say. Fear and anger fill your gut. You were terrified of Colin’s father, and you wanted nothing more than to make him feel all of the pain he made Colin feel.
“I’m working extra hours to give him what he wants, but God I’m afraid to lose you. I can’t fucking lose you. I j-just c-can’t,” Colin sobs, shaking his head violently. “I’d rather die than lose you. I’ve lost so much, (Y/N), and I don’t want to lose you next.”
You shake your head, wrapping your arms around Colin, pulling him into a tight embrace. “You’re never going to lose me, Colin,” You hum, planting a kiss into the crook of his neck. Colin breathes heavily and sniffles a bit before pulling apart from you.
“My mom would’ve loved you,” Colin whispers. A small smile spreads across his face, and you imagine that he’s thinking of a reality in which you get to meet her. You had never seen Colin this vulnerable before. He was always so nonchalant, so cool, so collected. It was such a stark contrast from the usual Colin you saw every day.
A violent knock, followed by a chorus of loud rapid ones boom from the front door, destroying the moment you and Colin had been sharing. Colin jumps up to his feet, fear filling his eyes.
“Colin, is it him, your dad?” You ask, standing up as well.
“S-stay here, okay? Things are going to be fine,” Colin says, kissing your forehead lightly before leaving the bedroom. You watch from the doorway as Colin moves across the flat and towards the door. He looks through the peep hole. “Shit,” he mutters under his breath.
“Open up, boy! Right now!” A voice shouts from the other side of the door. Colin jumps in place, and turns around towards you.
“I need you to close the bedroom door, and lock it. Right now. Do you understand?” Colin’s voice is firm and controlled. You shake your head violently.
“No, I’m not letting you do this alone. What if he hurts you? Why don’t we just call the police, Colin?” Your voice is shaky, your gut filling with panic. Colin shakes his head.
“Lock the door, (Y/N),” Colin says, facing you, his hand on the handle of the door, ready to open it.
“I love you, Colin,” You whisper.
“I love you, (Y/N),” Colin says back. You look deeply into his eyes one last time before closing and locking the door.
You hear the door slowly creek open.
“You better have the fucking money, you piece of shit!” A deep, evil voice yells from the front of the house.
“Get the fuck out of my life you prick!” Colin screams. “It’s one thing to threaten me, but it’s another to threaten the love of my life, the future mother of my children!”
“Please, I’m more than positive the last one left when she figured out the truth about you. No one wants you, Colin!” The voice booms. “No one wants a fucking damaged, worthless piece of nothing like you!”
“I’m not the worthless one here,” Colin says back.
“Oh yeah? So then why did Kitty leave with your daughter? Why don’t I love you? Why is this new girlfriend going to leave you just like the last?” The voice questions angrily. “You’re a creep, Colin! A fucking weirdo with your silly video game whatever-the-hell-you-do! Worthless nonsense, just like you!”
“Fuck you!” Suddenly, you hear a thud, a groan, and then you feel the floor beneath you shake. Your heart beats rapidly out of your chest. “That’s what you fucking get!” Colin shouts. “Stay on the ground you fucking ass. You’re the pathetic one, not me. Now you’re going to crawl your way out of my flat, and I’m going to call the police. How’s that for a plan, huh?”
“This isn’t the end. You’re a Ritman, you’ll turn out like me one day, trust me,” the voice says.
“I will never, ever be you. Trust me,” Colin says firmly, and suddenly the door slams shut.
You unlock the bedroom door, and swing the door open. “Colin?” You whisper nervously. You spot the blonde haired boy, still standing at the front door. He turns around, his bright blue eyes somehow glimmering intensely even in the dimly lit flat.
Colin rushes over to you, wrapping his arms around you, pulling you into his chest.
“I’m so sorry, love,” Colin whispers into your ear.
“You don’t need to apologize, Colin. None of this is your fault,” You breath. “I love you, and you deserve the world,” You pull apart from Colin, staring deeply into his eyes.
Colin presses a soft, warm kiss against your lips. Your heart flutters in your chest, just like it did the first time you saw him, the first time you talked to him, the first time you hung out as friends, and the first time you hung out as more than friends. He made you feel so special, so needed, and you hoped that you made him feel the same.
“Thank you, (Y/N),” Colin says as he pulls his lips from yours.
“For?” You ask, not sure what it is you did.
“You haven’t left me yet,” Colin giggles lightly, trying to poke fun at the extremely serious situation.
“And I never will,” You say, smiling widely. He pulls you back into his chest, his warmth making you long to stay in his arms forever.