ortus nigenad’s “My lady, I follow your every order… I will accept your chidings gratefully. I will watch you slay whomsoever you feel the need to slay, and I will sponge the blood from your brow… but when I lay me down to sleep, I am a fully grown man who is allowed to feel precisely what I want, about anything I want” has me feeling colum asht in this chili’s tonight
Send in two (or more) names and I’ll fill all this out about the ship!
Rate the Ship: Ortus/Colum
Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OTP to rule all other OTPs | The Narrative Parallels
General:
How long will they last?
It depends on a few things. Technically they have never been, within canon, and both are dead, in different ways, to different ends, but if they were to last, it would also depend on their responsibilities. I don’t know if Colum would walk from his duty, ultimately, not without a large push, but if it was compatible within that, but I don’t know if they need to last.
How quickly did/will they fall in love?
I always see Ortus as falling so much easier, I think. I think in my mind he falls hard and he falls fast and he falls for potential–all things I don’t see Colum doing. They are parallel, they are foil, they are distorted reflection. I think if Ortus saw Colum’s conviction and honor and strength, that he would swoon, and I am not kidding.
Colum would need to see something else. Maybe himself in Ortus, in the opportunity he should have had to turn away, in the path he’d never had and that Ortus should not have had and yet somehow tried to stumble, and then ah. He was killed. Because while your path is death, it is also death to leave it. But something in him can admire that Ortus walked off of it anyway, even if it was out of cowardice, because he also can be moved by the way Ortus learned from this and came away with a weird balance. Ortus is right to have qualms with their lack of choice in the path. Colum has always questioned it, but it has been a harder thing to state. And I could see him liking the poetry, lol.
How was their first kiss?
Missed. But I understand the context of this question. I think it was quiet and heavy in the chest but light at their lips. I think there was hesitation from both of them. I think they did not talk about it for a time after it happened. I’m not even sure who initiated it, but Ortus thought about it a while before it happened.
Wedding:
Who proposed?
I think they discussed it, and I think Ortus maybe wasn’t sure if they could, and I think Colum was the one to actually step forward and do it. I think he had to be sure he could, and Ortus had already accepted that they couldn’t, and I think Ortus cried about it, and that it was very private, and it was very meaningful, and I think Colum did it in verse, and I think Ortus wanted to reply in it but was also very overwhelmed and touched and startled and maybe could not speak for long enough Colum wondered if he misunderstood their relationship, but he is also good at being quiet and patient, and when Ortus finally answers, there’s a bit of relief because he had been very sure Ortus would say yes and it was correct.
Who is the best man?
I’m still dying on the hill that Gideon is Ortus’ best man and I do think it’s out of weird guilt and obligation towards her. I also cannot see Silas as a bridesmaid or a groomsman, honestly. I don’t even really know how he’d cope with the marriage. I don’t know enough about Colum’s relationship to his brothers to say if they’d be groomsmen–I could see them having a very strained relationship, honestly.
Who is the bridesmaid(s)?
If she’s willing to be a part of it, Harrow maybe, if she was not literally ordaining it, and yes she has her own guilt to deal with here. If she is not in the bridal party, she is a very valued guest with first seating, although I imagine they’d seat her and Silas very far apart if he was willing to come. I have no doubt she’d be in the wedding some way or another, though. Abigail could be a bridesmaid, and Magnus might also be in the party similarly.
Who did the most planning?
I just see Ortus as having the most dreams and goals about a wedding. I think he’s very romantic at heart, and thus he has so many things he’d want, but he might not ask for them. Colum himself is not without drama, despite the Eighth House not acknowledging that they definitely are dramatic, and I could see him working with Harrow (to both of their discomfort, honestly) so that they coordinate to the taste Ortus has painted with his words.
Who stressed the most?
Ortus, though I do see Colum as stressed over it being a large affair.
How fancy was the ceremony?
Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big.
I honestly think Colum would personally like for it to be private and small, but he will prioritize what it means to Ortus for it to be large and beautiful and ceremonial. I chose both 8 and 10, because it can only be 10 with Harrow’s guilt-help and a pool of resources they may or may not have. It’s okay, though, for their ceremony, Colum has different, private vows to give. The vows Ortus gives at the ceremony take a minimum of an hour, and that’s if he abridged them, and he has a captive audience and they will be dealing with it.
Who was specifically not invited to the wedding?
Crux. If he’s still alive, he’s not coming. A silly part of me says Ortus may narrow his eyes at Naberius for hitting on Colum, but I don’t think he’d push that if they wanted the Third House to be there (although I could also see Harrow being down for not inviting the third house because I imagine she has unexplored beef with Coronabeth that has nothing to do with Gideon, obviously). If Colum’s relationship with his family/brothers is bad, he may not have many on his side, but if he can tolerate it, he’d bring them for Ortus, I think. Unless they cause problems with that, in which case, they can stay uninvited.
Sex:
Who is on top?
I think Ortus thinks he’s a bottom, but I think something in the wary weight Colum carries makes him consider just laying him down and ravishing him and trying to make him feel good and somehow this leads to him considering topping him, and then I think he realizes he’s versatile, and also that he doesn’t want Colum to feel used by him, and I think he tops the first few times they have penetrative sex, and I think also he likes to give Colum oral, and one day Colum just asks if it’s his preference to always top, and he gets flustered and a bit overcome and explains himself, and Colum understands it, but then, yes, he tops Ortus and Ortus realizing it’s not using him, because they are enjoying it together, and it is weirdly healing to recognize that. I also think both of them have weird trauma they’d understand with each other about ejaculating, however, considering they’re both from long lines of intentionally bred cavaliers who have weird purposes correlated with collecting semen/ejaculation, but I also think the sharing of this understanding is part of what’s healing for them, and I think Ortus likes swallowing, send post.
Who is the one to instigate things?
I don’t… know. I think they’d eventually reach a conclusion on it somewhat together and it would open up from there. I just see it as kind of slow-moving and mutual, but I can see Ortus taking the final step towards actually instigating? I just think the kind of position Colum is in is very complicated, and Ortus is braver than he thinks of himself.
How healthy is their sex life?
I think they both probably have some trauma and some repression and some weird hang ups that they have to work with, but I think they both have patience and understanding for it, so that’s good. I also think sometimes a trigger is found but not communicated and then that’s less fun and good, but we’re all living and learning, I suppose.
How often do they have sex?
Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now
This is so hard for me…. My problem is I feel like sometimes Ortus maybe goes a bit stir-crazy and wants to fall into it and have a lot of cathartic, engaging sex, including to make up for lost time. But I also think he has periods where he’s very wrapped up in other things, or gets hit in a different way by those feelings, and then they don’t for a while. I also view Colum as relatively busy/still having a lot of obligation, and them not always being able to? I see it as an ebb and flow.
How kinky are they?
Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head
I put it in the middle again for Ortus. I don’t really know how to fully get into this, like I just think he has some things he really wants to try but also is it not already very kinky within their society that they’re together at all, the cav of the eighth and the cav of the ninth and they’re not even together to have children, in fact, please, they cannot stomach that. But then both of them are intended to be such subjects of violence, that I feel like often, there is a need for the comfort of something more tender?
I think they are constantly marked beasts and tools and I think certain ways of engaging with kink may be triggering for them, but I think some of them might be easier? I’ve already said before I think Ortus would like to write on a lover’s body, and some level of that can be sensory play even. I could see blindfolds, some restraint, an APPEAL to roleplay, but I also am keeping in mind that I think Colum has a lot of problems himself. Although I could see him being vaguely interested in knife play (a very gentle, mutually explorative knifeplay?) as a reminder that he is flesh and he is blood and he is present.
What’s their most surprising kink?
Maybe the knifeplay? It makes sense, but also it’s on a line with their histories of being used for and wanted for violence, etc. Making it so tender I think would really shape it for them both.
How long do they normally last?
I could see them not usually having a goal or a set standard for it. Slow, not necessarily focused on an ‘ending,’ and I’ve already said before I could see Ortus being interested in edging/chastity devices. I’ve also already said this, but I think Ortus also is someone who gets kind of spent after he’s orgasmed, and then it leans into cuddling and talking. Mostly Colum listening, honestly, since I imagine he might be the kind who likes to reflect internally on the feelings he experiences from it. Idling petting Ortus’ shoulder or the pricks of where his head is about to need a shaving again or the soft give of his collar, flesh and fat shielding bone.
Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms?
I don’t think they focus on it, actually. I think Ortus might have had some anxieties about it, but once he understood Colum’s own relationship to it, they settled in, and it wasn’t really about having an ‘equal’ amount, so long as they were both enjoying what they did.
How rough are they in bed?
Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it.
I think it’s usually very soft, for the reasons I’ve listed above, but I think sometimes it can get really intense. I think they’re both perfectly capable of it being something where someone is being thrown around, I just don’t think they often devolve to that? Although, you know, if Ortus wanted to practice sparring, I could see that leading to some interesting and passionate exploration, considering it’s an environment where at any point they have the ability and right to ask it to gentle.
How much cuddling/snuggling do they do?
No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | If they aren’t touching each other something is very wrong because they are always cuddling.
I’m putting an 8 because I feel like they touch very often, especially if they’re not disallowed to, but I imagine it’s often subtle things. Domestic things. I think also though Ortus was smothered by his mother a lot and sometimes wants a bit of physical space, and I think Colum has had constant demands made on his physical presence, and so they can be separate from one another and they can be understanding how the other may need physical space.
Children:
How many children will they have naturally?
If we’re being very honest, I think if they had the choice to not have children, they would take it. I think they both have a lot of trauma around it, especially around the expectations within that. I think Colum has already raised a child, one he was built to be used by, and he suffers the fear of having to put a child through what he has been through. I think he would for duty, but I think especially with Colum’s trauma adding to his, Ortus would be even more likely to refuse.
How many children will they adopt?
Again, they’re both very traumatized and have their own history of responsibilities and horrors with children. They could adopt, I guess, I just really don’t see it being an easy choice for them, especially if there was any other option.
Who gets stuck with the most diapers?
Colum knows how to change a diaper. Ortus would leave that task to anyone else, but knowing why Colum knows that, I think he tries to learn and engage despite dissociation. Colum still does the most.
Who is the stricter parent?
Colum. Ortus is throwing up. But it’s a gentle sternness, nothing like Ortus’ father, and with the patience of someone who knows what it’s like to not be allowed a childhood. Seeing how Colum navigates it makes Ortus hate his father even more.
Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school?
Ortus is still throwing up. The kids are considering not doing it just so Ortus isn’t dying. Colum corrects the behavior, but calmly.
Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)?
Exactly like with Matthias, Ortus gets incredibly anxious about it and is definitely considering making them, and stressing over making them, and stressing over if something goes wrong with them or if some gas is released into the cafeteria or what if what if what if. Colum is sitting him down and calming him and taking care with what he packs. Colum checks them to give Ortus some peace of mind again before the kids leave with them.
Who is the more loved parent?
I think they’re both loved, in different ways. But Ortus is a bit smothering and anxious and constantly reciting his own poetry, so maybe Colum is the cooler dad. That doesn’t mean they don’t love Ortus, of course, but it’s hard when you can see a parent dissociate every time they look at you, and while Colum might be doing that to, he does it much more calmly.
Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings?
Colum. He goes to every one. He recounts important details to Ortus later, and is sure to convey some of Ortus’ complaints if it’s relevant to do so.
Who cried the most at graduation?
Ortus. But Colum is filled with deep emotion.
Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law?
Ortus is doing something he avoids and that’s using Harrow’s guilt to make her bail his kids out and he will absolutely feel bad about it but he must. Colum is reflecting on if his children have learned the correct values. Ortus and Colum have a very tense disagreement over it, but nothing relationship-ending.
Cooking:
Who does the most cooking?
Colum. I imagine he has more experience with it, but maybe sometimes they work together on things as he goes over some of the basics. Ortus likes hearing him talk, and he’s more likely to talk if it has a purpose. Also it’s pretty to watch him work with his hands.
Who is the most picky in their food choice?
I feel like Ortus. I feel like he just has had even less exposure to things that taste like anything and so he’ll have to approach it carefully.
Who does the grocery shopping?
I think they both will, and maybe even enjoy doing it together as a domestic task, but if they’re in a hurry, Colum will volunteer because otherwise Ortus is going to spend two hours choosing a single item, as he painstakingly weighs the pros and cons and then gets distracted thinking about how to describe them in verse.
How often do they bake desserts?
I think they could both enjoy a sweet. But maybe still rarely, since I’m not sure how much access they have to the materials/the indulgence.
Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater?
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it now. Soup. Meat or tuber or bone stock, it doesn’t matter, I think they’re more likely to eat soup. Although I do think Colum might need meat for the amount of nutrients he’s depleted of, so if I have to choose between meat and salad, meat, and Ortus would eat it alongside him.
Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner?
Ortus one day finally figures out how to cook everything right enough, so he tells Colum to go out to do something, because Colum always cooks the anniversary dinner, and while he’s out, he makes the best meal he’s ever accomplished in his life, but forgets the bread in his list of a million tiny details, and while he’s ready to panic over it, Colum returns, notices, and has already picked up bread he intended to toast up for the dinner he planned. His eyes do that soft thing, where the corners show you he’s smiling even if his lips haven’t followed, and he is touched and a little amused that Ortus rushed around him to do it. They bake the bread he bought and Ortus feels nervous again like early on but also giddy, and Colum feels cared for, and then instead of cleaning up, which they usually do immediately following food, he moves aside anything he’s too worried about getting involved, and then he thanks him for his thoughtfulness at the table with a prayer at his lips.
Who is more likely to suggest going out?
Hm. Colum, I think. He notices when Ortus is getting a little too consumed in his cocoon of creativity and suggests they go out, and then they do. Ortus appreciates the fresh air, especially if he’s been frustrated with a specific piece, and they do simple activities that they can slip into. I think Colum has to be told to take time away from work, too, but I think he tries to be mindful of how much they’re self-isolating together.
Who is more likely to burn the house down accidently while cooking?
Ortus, bless him.
Chores:
Who cleans the room?
They both clean, but Colum probably cleans faster. He needs the busywork. Ortus at first was anxious Colum felt he had to, but it’s one of the few things he finds soothing and distracting from his other responsibilities, so Ortus doesn’t fight him for it. He still picks up after himself, though, of course.
Who is really against chores?
Neither.
Who cleans up after the pets?
They do not have pets. If they did, then both. [Whoever got there first].
Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug?
Ortus, because I think Colum is very thorough. He would not appreciate if Ortus did this in a rush, but he’d just put things where they actually belong after and maybe remind him he can ask him for help if he’s overwhelmed.
Who stresses the most when guests are coming over?
Ortus, for sure.
Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning?
Ortus. Colum left it there so he felt like he was catching something he missed. He likes the way his husband lights up when he’s noticed a detail.
Misc:
Who takes the longer showers/baths?
Ortus. He got caught up in his daydreams.
Who takes the dog out for a walk?
There is no dog, but if there was, probably Colum, as one of the tasks he engages in to let out steam. A little mindless, a little simple, a way to be grounded and present anyway.
How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays?
Ortus might. Colum would where it was necessary for duty. Maybe nothing huge.
What are their goals for the relationship?
Peace. Comfort. Understanding.
Who is most likely to sleep till noon?
I don’t think either does, but I also think Colum wakes up always at dawn, so maybe sometimes he watches Ortus in the dim new-morning light and he thinks about these things and he considers if Ortus will sleep in. Ortus wakes up not long after, because he doesn’t want to miss the way Colum seems so soft at the start of the day. They eat together and it’s quiet, but comforting.
Who plays the most pranks?
Ortus. That’s okay. Colum has a few of his own. Ortus has still not noticed that three of his socks were darned with silver thread instead of black.
columbo's so funny he'll say he's on his way out and stop like 3 times and say "oh, one more thing..." and every single time the culprit just gets increasingly more annoyed with it. amazing
when i say that colum’s soul is “missing” i mean we literally do not know where it is. soul siphoning does not consume the soul - it pushes it somewhere else and uses the negative space it leaves behind as fuel for necromancy (pal and ianthe discuss this in depth in the unwanted guest). colum was being actively siphoned when his body was possessed by the devils at canaan house. his soul wasn’t home. that “somewhere else” mentioned in reference to soul siphoning has never been explicitly defined. we think it MIGHT be the far shore of the river and/or beneath the stoma (the same place dulcinea and/or augustine ended up) but we don’t know this for sure. we DO know that he wasn’t pulled into harrow’s dream theatre river bubble with the rest of the dead scions at canaan house, implying that his soul was not in the river with the rest of them. he’s absent for all of harrow the ninth and is the only one of the 19 necromancers and cavaliers at canaan house in gideon the ninth to be currently unaccounted for - neither alive nor dead but some secret third thing.
actually i’m very interested in silas’s sibling/colum’s parent who is not a necromancer? or maybe just not strong enough to be the master templar? and who had to have at least three children so that their eventual sibling (who is significantly younger than them) could have a cavalier they could siphon from. fascinating implications on all fronts there
toxic locked tomb crackships that deserve to be explored
babs/coronabeth (one-sided. uncomfortable. deeply unhealthy. they would have to keep it a secret because everyone thinks he’s her cavalier…. except he ISN’T her cavalier. and almost nobody knows. the scandal! the perceived taboo! the way corona would do zero work in the relationship! the way ianthe would murder him if she ever found out!!!)
judith/camilla (the ‘we’re both in love with other people but that’s a sore subject right now’ pity squad. and also they kiss each other about it)
marta/dulcinea (the soldier who’s never been allowed to stop and look at pretty things vs the pretty thing that keeps looking at her. two people who rejected the ones who could have been right for them and have to figure out whatever the hell you do next)
abigail/cytherea (the way abigial historicized and anthropologized cyth’s whole life and never realized that she had the real damn thing right in front of her. like finding a well-preserved fossil only to discover that the dinosaur that left it is still alive and right behind you. scholastic psychosexual murder-flavored bonding)
colum/mercymorn (the bred and built battery of the eighth and the mourning woman who created that culture finally meet. what happens next may shock you! [traumatized sex])
pash/harrow (harrowhark FINALLY decides to take a chance on someone who isn’t literally undead and it’s gideon’s COUSIN??? drama. intrigue. resentment. delicious)
admiral sarpedon/colum (duty-bound servants. scrunkly and normal-pilled. two inconsequential characters who frankly never leave my brain)
alecto/ianthe (i have zero textual basis i just think it would be pretty funny)
writing some eighth house stuff for alectopause the ninth (typical) and i really have to slow down and remember to establish the canon facts and theories that i now take for granted, particularly re:colum asht. like i forget that the average person doesn’t remember much about him at all. average tlt fan does not realize that his soul is even missing. Columposting Nat, who lives in cave & makes over 10,000 columposts each day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted
