Discomfort in my own body/skin
I truly truly truly TRULY, Hate myself for how i think lately. I am CONSTANTLY at war with myself when it comes to how i look, face wise, hair wise, and most of all... clothes. TRULY At war with myself. It has gotten to the point were i've literally gotten so sick to my stomach..
I don't want to eat as much.. Its not because I MUST STARVE MYSELF TO BE SKINNYYYY! No.. That's not it at all... I just don't feel hungry..
I feel fat. AND I KNOW DAMN WELL I AM. People Can tell me I am not but trust me 230 lbs to me, on my body is fat. I'm not pointing to anyone else.. trust me this isn't about anyone else this is about how i feel in my own skin..
I am constantly at war with myself. I don't wear tank tops because I have arm fat, I could probably fly if i wave up and down fast enough... I have a tummy.. Stretch marks.. I hate my face, Sometimes my hair... I can't wear jeans.. they hurt SO MUCH. I don't OWN nice clothes even. Black clothes to hide my weight.. I can't wear clothes my size because i hate how it feels... I want to feel comfortable and have a little extra room..I try to go clothes shopping and i want to vomit. I don't want to try on clothes because my mind tells me I WONT fit. I don't know fashion even if a fashion diva rubbed it in my face. Nice clothes? I wouldn't even look good in them...
My Fiance sometimes.. She'll go, " Well.. my parents EXPECT people to dress nice on important occasions. Can you please dress nice today?"
Or she wants me to dress nice for something else.. Thing is... i don't HAVE anything. I don't. They don't FIT and i feel like throwing them in a pit of fire and run off crying. I want to look nice... truly i do. I want to look nice when we go out to eat.. or do something with friends.. But i just can't help but feel so at war with myself.. So sick to my stomach..
I don't want her to feel bad when she dresses up nice. Hell, she looks awesome in EVERYTHING she wears. EVERYTHING. She can dress up and go outside and smile and take on the world. I go outside in black shorts and a black shirt and feel disgusting.
I hate the body i am in, I hate my face. I hate the clothes i wear. I hate myself for feeling like this. I'm not jealous of how my Fiance is able to look awesome in everything, and think " GOD WHY CANT I BE LIKE HER?" I just want to be comfortable for once... and not feel disgusted and at war with myself... I'm truly ashamed..
People will most likely tell me, " Go to the gym. Eat a salad. Drink some protein shakes!" <---- you really don't understand...
You don't understand...
