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answer ALL THE ASKS!

There's a non-zero chance some of these MIGHT be over a year old. If so, I AM SO SO SO SORRY.

If your ask or url is here and you don't want it to be, send me another ask and I'll take it down asap.

If your ask hasn't been answered yet, and it isn't here, it MIGHT be still in my inbox waiting to be answered privately. Okay? Okay! Find the asks under the cut!

NOTE: If I’ve included the phrase “terms to research” treat it like a “further reading” section - I’m not saying this is what the asker is referencing, just giving the asker research jumping off points, to see if those terms or related terms or concepts fit their situation.

Definitions/101 questions/Am I X?

Anonymous said to cupcakearrow: what's it called when you feel asexual but still appreciate how a woman looks? I'm male. is it hetero-asexual or something like that? Asexual. Pan-aesthetic, hetero-aesthetic, aesthetic appreciation, or something along those lines.

comicalweaboo said to cupcakearrow: Hey, just a question about terminology, what would you call yourself if you were Bisexual and Asexual? Would it be Bi-asexual or something? Biromantic asexual, maybe?

Anonymous said to cupcakearrow: What's the difference between a crush and a squish? crush: romance feelings, i wanna romance you squish: I wanna friend you SO HARD

powpow-punchpunch said to cupcakearrow: Hello! I was wondering if you could help me! My sister recently told me she's thinking she might be grey-aro. I'm a little confused by the terminology. What exactly does grey-aro mean? And what is the best way to be supportive? Its hard for me to...understand what ace really means. Could you help? Thanks and I hope I didn't offend! Asking how to be better supportive is NEVER offensive! :) grey-aromantic! It likely means she only sometimes experiences romantic attraction (at a markedly different rate than alloromantic [non-aromantic] folks). Asexual means she doesn’t experience sexual attraction. IMO, the best way to be supportive is to listen and believe her, but you can DEFINITELY ask her how she wants to be supportive!

Anonymous said to cupcakearrow: Hello :) First of all I really like your blog. Is I am trying to figure out what I am I stumbled across the terms asexual and aromantic.. I quite get what they mean in general but I still don't really understand what you mean by attraction Thank you! I guess I’d describe attraction as “I wanna X this person!” So sexual attraction would be like “I wanna sex with this person!” and romantic would be “I wanna romance this person!” and aesthetic would be “I wanna look at this person!”. Silly grammar aside, I think that’s the best way I can put it. Very sorry if it doesn’t help, I don’t really understand romantic attraction myself. :)

Anonymous said to cupcakearrow: Hi! For the longest time I thought (by the aid of others) that I was just "scared" of sex bc I "hadn't had the good stuff" but this last year I have come to consider being Ace or some version thereof. The apparent snag being that I feel sexual attraction, and in a larger extent sensual attraction, I just rather not act on it bc it makes me uncomfortable. I also love cuddling and wish more than anything to have a life partner. I don't know how to explain it to the guy I like, or to myself...Tips? My term notes to research would be sex-repulsed, lithsexual, quoisexual, akoisexual and cupiosexual as a START. I’m not 100% up-to-date on all the terms we’ve been using lately! As for explaining it, you don’t need any of the above words! I would say you want to take it slow with the physical things, and might not ever want to do some of them. You’re not sure and just want to be slow and talk it out - and then talk it out! Make a yes/no/maybe list of stuff from kissing, hand-holding, cuddling, types of cuddling, and so on and so forth and go over it together. There’s loooots of sex-ed blogs who can go over it with you and help you navigate that.

Anonymous said to cupcakearrow: Hi lately i noticed i dont want to date anyone id rather be a close friend even to my crushes who i never speak to btw mostly just guys i find attractive and i like admiration but i hate getting sexualized maybe its cause im 16 so what do you think? you could be aromantic, asexual, or both! or you could hate being seen in a romantic or sexual light. Feel free to use any terms you feel describe you (asexual, aromantic, or anything really) until you feel they no longer do. And don’t feel bad about dropping them!

Anonymous said to cupcakearrow: uh so im p sure im grey-romantic, but im a little fuzzy due to the fact im head over heels for someone. i kinda want a relationship with them, but not like a romantic dating way thing, where everything feels stressed and unfomfortable. help..? That could be grey-rom! You can try asking and explaining that you don’t want an awkward forced romantic relationship, but would like somekind of relationship with that someone and seeing where it goes!

Anonymous said to cupcakearrow: so i dont know if im asexual or not but i just dont have sexual attractions to people. if im in a long relationship though, sometimes things do happen and im just really confused. also, when people talk about their passions, part 1/2 tend to be more liking of those people *ina friendly way*. im so confused :C part 2/2 Not 100% sure if these are the same asker? In any case - if you don’t have sexual attraction for people, then that’s the definition of asexuality. If you identify as asexual, that’s a 100% different story. You can fit the textbook definition of asexual and not be. That’s okay. You could also research aromantic, and see if that might fit you, too. In any case, do not do anything that makes you uncomfortable to be doing. Good luck, anon!

Anonymous said to cupcakearrow: Hey, I've been super curious about this recently. I desire a relationship with the opposite sex, but I have no sexual desires, I personally wish sex didn't exist. I just want to cuddle and make out. How would you describe this? Many thanks. Terms you might want to research: asexual, (allo)romantic, sex-repulsed. Happy hunting!

Anonymous said to cupcakearrow: I'm totally lost. I am a straight female and have never had a boyfriend plus never really plan to. Every guy I've met I didn't want to go any father than friends. I do get aesthetic attraction and masturbate but don't ever plan on having sex. The idea of dying a virgin doesn't scare me. So I'm not really sure what I'd label myself as? I know it's up to me but can you give me some help? Further research: asexual, sex-repulsed, sex-neutral, Autochorissexual Personal note: Asexual people sometimes masturbate, or have a libido/sex drive! You really sound like me when I was younger with the “don’t ever plan on having sex” thing. (and now, tbh)

Anonymous said to cupcakearrow: Confused?! I'm a 20 yo female. I have hetero thoughts and fantasies, often but, find that I have little to no desire to act on them. I can look at men, and say I find them attractive, but I would just as soon not have sex with them. I am in a relationship with a man who has feelings for me, (as do I for him,) but mine are not sexual. His are. I just kind of want my space. I realize that this is partially due to my independent personality. I just feel "hetero female" to be lacking. Thanks!! Hey, you can research asexuality to see if it fits you! you can be heteroromantic and asexual-spectrum, and even still have fantasies and things.

kyliexflower said to cupcakearrow: for a while I've been wondering about where I fall on the ace&aro spectrums and I can't seem to settle on who I am so id like your help:) I do desire both a romantic and sexual relationship, but I can't picture myself being sexual and i don't have much sexual attraction, I just see that someone is cute and I like them. as for romance, whenever I get close enough to be into that I just loose interest? it's not that anythings wrong and I actually feel bad when I do it, I just don't see a point in continuing if I'm not going to have a romantic relationship, and I think that with romance comes sex so I would kind of need a romantic relationship before a sexual one... so what do you think I'd be good with identifying as? you can try researching demisexuality! You’d be good identifying as anything you want. :)

Anonymous said to cupcakearrow: Hello, sorry for bothering but I was wondering if you could help me figure out my sexuality. I'm panromantic and I'm attracted to all genders (although rarely sexually attracted to anyone), however I don't want to have sex? Well, to be more specific, I do fantasise about it sometimes, however as soon as I have the chance of actually having sex with these people, I feel repulsed. I'm not sure if I'm pansexual but just repulsed by sex or somewhere on the ace spectrum :/ Hey anon, that’s really something you have to decide for yourself. You can research sex-repulsed, lith/akoisexuality, and Autochorissexuality to help.

Anonymous said to cupcakearrow: i'm trying to figure out if i might be aro. I'm a very affectionate person, I definitely feel feelings of love for people, but I don't know if that could be defined as romantic. Hey anon, there’s definitely different ways to love! Some examples are: romantic love, familial love, platonic (friendship love), among others!

Anonymous said to cupcakearrow: Hi I've never really put much thought into my sexuality or anything, I'm just a little confused as to what I am and wondered if you might be able to help me make a little sense out of things. So I find it incredibly rare that I find anyone attractive, sexually/physically. It just doesn't happen but I've been willing to have sex with people, no matter what gender, and have enjoyed it before but in more of an emotional sense I guess. I don't feel normal because I don't ever feel sexual attraction. Hey anon, what you’re experiencing is normal and okay! You could be grey-(a)sexual or asexual, or somewhere else on the asexual spectrum! You can be on the spectrum and still be willing to have sex. You’re awesome anon!

Anonymous said to cupcakearrow: i thought i was bisexual; i think im attracted to both men and women, and i like the concept of sex, and i get aroused and i masturbate, but the actual act of having sex with someone, i am indifferent to the sex itself. is there a term for that? is the bisexual thing more a romantic attraction? do you have any links to websites about all of this so that i can read up on it? coz im getting really confused about what im feeling. thanks. sex-neutral is a term for that! The bisexual thing could be more romantic attraction, but you’ll have to decide that. You can try browsing the asexuality tags to see if anything resonates with you.

Anonymous said to cupcakearrow: I'm wondering if I could be gray or demiromantic. I always feel like the person I'm in a relationship with is more in love with me than I am with them. I don't feel the need or even a strong draw to being in a romantic relationship. I am often disgusted by stereotypical romantic things, like Valentine's Day. However, I love cuddling and kissing with a datemate, and I seem to function okay in a romantic relationship. Can you help me? Hey anon, you could be gray or demirom. You’ll have to decide that yourself. You can also research lith/akoiromanticism and see if that pings anything, or some other related term.

dinico5 said to cupcakearrow: Hi.didnt even know so many sexualities existed. Thanks :D So Ive been in a convent school all my life. Not much opportunity to interact with boys Neither Did I have any feelings other than platonic ones towards girls. Now im in a co-ed college And literally ages ago I think I had a crush? im not even sure anymore I found him cute and spoke like twice with him but I never once felt the need to act on it or even felt sad that he didnt notice me or anything. It ended soon and its funny even When I think about it My friends used to say im stupid to not act on it and even otherwise How I never like anyone or never appreciate if someone shows interest in me Infact I distance myself from that person Not knowingly It just happens And my parents have always told me how its wrong to be in a relationship at such a young age(yes even 19's too young for them) And how all "children" end up doing the sin of having sex etc It was etched in my mind since I was a little kid. I dunno if its that Or just me or what And in my country and culture(im from india) Its considered this absolute duty of a person and a must to get married and have children etc and how you're practically mentally unstable if u dont Ive voiced my thoughts about this to my parents so many times How the entire concept of losing yourself completely for a man and his family especially in such a culture freaks me out and they just laugh it off saying we were the same when we your age Its just. Scary. I dont think I kno Anyone like this. Atleast personally. I even tried to like people that way you know I mean I find a few soccer players hot but not that I wanna undress myself for them? The entire concept of how girls pleasure themselves freaks me out Im not saying its wrong or that they shouldn't do it I just cant imagine ever doing it. All I get to hear for all of this is "you just havent experienced *love* " Sometimes I feel like I dont want to Thats probably the longest ask you've got. im really sorry. I think this is the longest ask I’ve ever gotten, so congrats! It’s nothing to be sorry about. :) You’re older than I was when I first started identifying as asexual (I was 17), so you’re like, 9000% fine on that front.You don’t need to experience *love* to know you don’t want it. For example, I don’t need to experience dipping my hand in acid to know I’m not gonna like it. Similarly - some people don’t need to experience sky-diving to know they’re not gonna like it. And some people don’t need to experience sex, romance, or relationships to know they’re not gonna like them.

Anonymous said to cupcakearrow: It's it ok if I don't identify myself as something I mean like sometimes I think I'm pansexual bc I had a crush on both girls and boys but if I ever think about sex I kinda want to have it but at the same time I'm scared and think it's not my thing. I'm really confused so for the meantime I just not put a ''label'' when people ask me or I just go by straight to stop people looking at me in a strange way. Where I live people is very conservative. They only know gay, lesbian and bi. It’s totally okay not to label yourself! Some people don’t like labels at all, or can’t find one to match their feelings. You could be sex-repulsed or asexual-spectrum, but use whatever label makes you feel safe if you’re in a position where someone is asking you (which is rude anyway, so don’t feel guilty about being misleading, coy, or outright lying).

matthew-williams-beilschmidt said to cupcakearrow: um hi I'm sorry to bother you but i was wondering if you could help me? so i already know what my sexual orientation is but I'm sorta confused about my romantic orientation. I don't think that I'm aromatic but I'm not like fully romantic like i don't normally feel a romantic attraction towards people. the only time i had been in a romantic relationship i liked them romantically until i actually got into the relationship and it just kinda stopped. but i still love the idea of a romantic relations You can try researching akoiromantic/lithromantic, and cupioromantic! It sounds like they’d be good jumping off points for research. Good luck!

Anonymous said to cupcakearrow: I do feel sexual attraction to people and have a lot of fantasies, so I don't think I'm asexual, but I don't actually like the physical act of sex with other people and prefer to just take care of my self, if you know what I mean. Is there any name for this? Is it normal? For me, I guess I like the idea of sex and it's very cerebral, but I don't like the actual act with other people. Hey, you can try researching sex-repulsed or autochorissexuality. But whatever you find or don’t, you’re totally, 100% normal. :)

Anonymous said to cupcakearrow: i think i might be ace but i'm really not sure. i don't really want to have sex per say, but i wouldn't mind it. i'm also a bit scared of a false-alarm. i don't want to say i'm ace before i'm absolutely sure of it but i don't know HOW i can be sure. Hey, HOW you can be sure is something you’ll have to answer for yourself, but you can definitely say you’re asexual if you think the label fits you. It’s super-duper okay to change your label when it no longer suits you, or if you figure out it never suited you in the first place! It doesn’t mean you were faking it or it was a false-alarm or anything, it just means you feel differently now! And that’s okay.

Anonymous said to cupcakearrow: Hi! I've been reading a lot about aromatics today. I listened to Sex Nerd Sandra's podcast about asexuality and she mentioned that people have sex for lots of different reasons, and it's not always sex. I realized that even though I've had boyfriends, I would mostly do sexual things to please them and make them happy because I cared about them. I'd jokingly tease my friend for her relationship with her BFF, how it was more like they were dating. Now I realize maybe I think dating is being BFFs? (not sure if this is pt 2 of the above or another ask, but I'll group anyway) Anonymous said to cupcakearrow: (part 2) - maybe I'm aromantic. It's hard to figure out. Everything I've read says "romance" is vague. I've always found candlelit dinners to be cheesy and cliche, but I could be a cynic. I resonated with your bit: it's like asking a blind person to explain what seeing is like. I'm not sure if I'd even "get" the definition if I read it. I feel like I don't know what it is. I'm really confused :/ do you have words of advice or links? Tho I think I've found most of the links already. thanks!! xx Hey anon(s?)! You might want to research quoiromantic or wtfromantic, in addition to aromantic! If you don’t really find a specific word that fits, you can always just say “aro-spectrum” and leave it there. Good luck!

Anonymous said to cupcakearrow: I get the desire to give sexual pleasure to someone I find attractive, but I do not have any desire to receive sexual pleasure and I do not get sexually aroused by people, I just strongly want to give them pleasure, and so I would be clothed during sex and stuff because I hate getting sexual pleasure but I love giving it to others. so what identity or identities do you think best fits that? I'm just really curious because I want to figure out my identity without feeling like its a wrong identity I actually don’t know if there’s a word for that! But I know you’re not the only one who’s ever mentioned feeling like that, I just don’t know where other people with similar feelings congregate. Sorry. :(

Anonymous said to cupcakearrow: Hi ok so a few months ago I came across the term asexual and started to wonder if I am because I have never really been sexually attracted to anyone even though I pretend I am, I have a long-distance girlfriend and she doesn't know, we've never done anything sexual bc she lives in another country but we talk about doing stuff and I just kind of play along because I really don't want to be asexual I want to feel attraction to people and I feel really left out and scared help me Hi anon. First things first - take a couple of deep breaths. You’ll be okay. I can’t tell you if you’re asexual, but you sound like you’re well on the path of deciding if you’re ace-spectrum or not. :) It’s okay to be asexual, even if you don’t really want to. There’s lots of times I don’t want to be aromantic, and I struggle with that lots. You can still be sexually active without feeling sexual attraction, it’s okay and it doesn’t make you a bad person or a liar or anything like that. Please don’t do anything you don’t want to do, and please feel 100% okay about taking a step back to figure things out if you want. It’s not selfish to need to do that. You’ll be okay, okay? <3 you, anon.

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