#compet plate

[ohdearhopia]

dear hopia,

It's been a few days. It's been a shitty few days, if I may. And I have zero idea of why I feel like this -- or why I feel so tired, or why I feel so upset.

It's like when a sentence runs an entire page -- full of clauses and commas and semicolons and one has no idea where to put the punctuation. I don't know if I'm the student who understands the concept but doesn't understand where to put an end, or if I'm the teacher, whose red question mark speaks of not understanding that the fuck is going on.

I feel a little bit of both right now, so I'm not entirely sure of where I stand.

And speaking of stand -- my feet hurt so badly. I think it's the gender dysmorphoria. I wanted to feel pretty, but now the skin on my heels are scraped and my little toe is inflamed, and for what? I can't even walk without me wincing. I'm glad I don't have to walk today.

That's probably the least of my problems, given that there's still so much to do and do and do and do and do.

I have to get over myself, I think, but most days, I just want to be able to feel and process more freely. It's like I'm all bottled up and my emotions are starting to feel more intense than what it truly is.

I just want to lay down.

I hope you're laying down right now,

hopia

[ohdearhopia]

dear hopia,

i needed to write again because i need to express what i feel.

i feel the dread settle little by little. disappointment, maybe. hurt, maybe. but it's okay, life continues on. it's not the end of the world -- and they say that it's better not to have any expectations so you won't get hurt.

but it does hurt sometimes, doesn't it? even without the expectations, i mean.

but this won't matter in 20 years. no, it won't, i think. and i'd let it dissolve into a memory. it'll simply be a memory.

i'll probably cringe when i read all these entries in years to come, but it's my job to write things only as they are and as i feel them. the cringing comes later because it's hard to be honest -- and it comes with being older and wiser and knowing that maybe, i shouldn't have done this, or i could've handled it better. but it's okay. for now, i have this moment, and i have you.

i'm working on a different project right now, but i'll come to the one i'm dreading later. and maybe, maybe, when i open this program, i won't feel the dread any longer.

love, hopia