#conditional form

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How to use the conditional mood in IRISH - GAEILGE 🇮🇪 An Modh Coinníollach

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conditional form  gravity form

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Notes on our Conditional Form

I’ve had you somewhere in my soul, much before we knew each other, and considerably before I felt your touch. In my soul, your presence was in fragments - somewhat unfounded. And before I knew that this presence could be embodied in human form, I knew what it meant to me. It comforted me on frightening nights, when the horrors of my mind became all-pervasive. It was that pulsating, brimming energy which kept my madness still. This unnamed presence embodied tranquil lake waters in my mind when the whole world around me was a raging ocean. However much I attempted to understand this feeling - this glimmer of stillness within my constantly-revolving mind - I couldn’t. It felt almost divine on some days. I would think to myself, ‘There has to be a God somewhere up there who is giving my mind a momentary reprieve from its unrelenting afflictions.’ But since I believe in Science, I turned my gaze toward astrophysics and the scientific revelations of the cosmos to find an answer. My endeavours became trying. Despite how stimulating I found astrophysics and astronomy, the question I was trying to find an answer to always tugged at me. 

During Summer’18, you and I started talking. Embarrassingly enough, we found each other on Tinder (something I had never used before, but thanks to my friends I was coerced into using). It was clear by the end of our first conversation that we genuinely liked each other. We would talk mostly on texts, sometimes over call at night time. You fell in love with me, and made it very explicit. Owning it like a badge of honour, you would put me in a difficult position every time you ended our conversations with ‘I love you’ (I’ve always known it’s supposed to be said back). I had my apprehensions, for good reason. It was crystal clear to me that reciprocating your love would cause some fundamental changes to how I approached myself. This frightened me, because my mind had an inkling of a feeling which screamed, ‘he resembles an absolutely essential part of your soul.’ Imagining how unfortunate it could become - an external embodiment of a rather personal internal mechanism - was why I couldn’t love you back, and pushed you away with more fervour than I have any other man interested in me. 

You never gave up, though. My tricks didn’t work on you. You stayed, unforgiving in your stubbornness. And that became a problem for me. I cared about you, and that disallowed me from barring all forms of communication. Eventually, your frustration hit me like a train. I responded with more atrociously vile texts than ever. I had crossed my limit, and I was positive you would never come back. Some soft threads of my heartstrings played a sad song, but my hardened soul moved on. Stomping all over my expectations, you came back to me (and with some movie as a silly excuse). I was bewildered by how you could do it. I said to myself, ‘What is this emotion? It generates a motivation unlike any other. A yearning that completely obliterates all signs of an ego. It is forgiving. It heals itself and grows right back. It is absolutely divine - like mother nature! Not treading over these waters would become my eternal regret.’ So I did, only to discover darker aspects of you. Like your apathy. Our similarities were uncanny. For example, we are both fundamentally apathetic, yet we can practice unnaturally high magnitudes of sensitivity, emotionality, and empathy when we want to. Many such similarities were accompanied by your love for me. Your love began feeling familiar to the way I have romantically loved in the past, and I couldn’t resist reviving it anymore. 

You came to me late on the deep and pleasant night of October 18, 2018. My insides were bursting at seams - a very literal manifestation of a subconscious knowledge that I was about to face a huge paradigm shift. By the time you arrived, my feet where almost entirely jelly and I was completely falling apart. Fortunately, my childhood friend was there to neutralise most of it. When you stepped out of the cab and I hugged you (something you had made me promise earlier), the fragments of that unnamed presence started rearranging themselves. The atoms of your emanation centered my mind like the gravity of the planets hold the sun in place. The three of us walked around the cantonment. Comfort with you was inevitable. We spoke about all sorts of unrelated things under the sun (and some things, even beyond the sun). You were so loving toward me, warm toward my childhood friend. I took you to my room (the riskiest risk of my life) because I wanted it to bathe in remnants of your vibrations. I wanted to feel them even as I slept, much after you left. We went up to the terrace of a building in my colony, and found ourselves overlooking a skyline of the city lights, under a considerable number of stars, and most importantly, with each other. It was by this point that I was living the unrealistic exposition of the truest, warmest, calmest, clearest, and most overwhelmingly still light of my soul. I found that light in a person, and I had no doubts I wanted to play him my song ‘fallingforyou by The 1975′. I went and sat next to you, it started playing. It was so shocking how you turned to me and pulled me in for a kiss exactly when my favourite part of the song started (the second verse). You couldn’t have known that. I have not felt that romantically loved in the longest time. I think I felt directly exposed to the most mysterious and strange aspect of myself - the one that has saved me from the brink of insanity various times - through that kiss. Technically it was a bad kiss, but the emotion I felt while kissing you flooded my being and I had to pull away. I have never felt like that before. As I lay in your lap and you ran your fingers over my cheeks and across my hair, I experienced one of the most fulfilling and wholesome nights of my life. 

I know very well now, that I love you. Nothing external matters to me anymore because it is in your being that I found the very presence that is my blue moon - my oasis in a desert. In any conditional form, the landscape of my mind will be rugged and recalcitrant, and your love will be my still lake.