Admin: Somewhere That I Finally Feel Comfortable In, Sort Of
Well, I know I had a social media ban till 22 December, but I needed to get stuff off my chest. Badly.
ConCamp this year was a more distant affair. There will be no mention of kids or bonds with others, for there was none. I met new people, but some I do not really like (honestly really don’t like, can’t gel, can’t stick). Still, I am grateful and blessed to always be able to fall back on some people.
Yes, I felt utterly lost at times, especially with all the autonomy, but at the same time, I enjoyed it greatly, having the independence and the freedom to do things my own way (especially when S wasn’t around. He had very strong opinions of what we should do and what we shouldn’t be doing and stuff). Cons would be that I don’t belong anywhere, not the facils, or the logs team. Just a lonely drifter who didn’t recognise or connect with 3/4 of the helpers. But that’s ok. Enjoyed the work that I did, and it was service to God and for the kids.
Cleanest camp ever, too. Showered twice a day (except some the last day because I didn’t expect myself to shower so many times, hence didn’t bring enough sets of clothes to change. Although I did wear the outfit throughout most of the camp, just alternating between shorts, bermudas, jeans, and shirts. Still felt super dirty and greasy and tired today though. End of camp feels.
Told J about Sss. It was a bit weird, with S always popping in here and there, and not having a proper conversation. But it felt more comfortable at that point to actually tell her (partly because she was asking if I was seeing anybody, and she assumed that person was a ‘he’). Might have been flustered when I told her though… It’s not very easy to tell people about crushes, especially so when you’ve had a slightly disappointing conversatiom on lgbt issues with certain other church leaders. But finally being able to be honest, to talk about an impulsive past relationship, and not hiding as much… it felt like a relief.
YC video. I don’t know why, but it felt wrong. There was an intense sense of nostalgia, and sadness at the same time, of a past that could not be reclaimed. Maybe it’s because I don’t see half the people in it anymore? But also partly because I don’t go back anymore. For good or petty reasons. I can’t work with the rest of my batchmates, or certain other members. The only few members that I’m close to includes S (oh the irony), who isn’t even involved in it anymore. I haven’t been to sessions for so long that I’ve been so out of touch with the year ones. I didn’t even realise that some of the people that I’m closer to were whompbats. But the very real reshuffling of my sec one team may very well force me back into session, to get something more concrete. It’s so scary, I don’t even have the bandwidth to deal with it now. Not now.
Finally read my love letter from my parents 4 years after my Confirmation. During mine, I crushed it. Was so upset, I don’t know why. This year, my last brother is getting confirmed, and I felt it timely to ask if my mum had kept a copy (partly because I was doing admin too and she hadn’t submitted a love letter yet). Back then, my brother was the kid the facils and R and J were trying to pull away. This year I stayed away. How time flies. But read it, and glad I did. Maybe I just needed a bit longer to mature, and let this maturity sink in.
This ConCamp, I went in with feelings of panic and worry about MP and university applications. My focus shifted a bit sometimes, especially when I take a break from admin work. This camp has also been less about interaction, and more of paperwork, dealing with the very papery trail. I realised that I don’t have the resources to search for things, and that worries me greatly.
But at the end, I guess like every camp, it has reminded me to stay in church more, regardless of whether I stay in YC or not.
And buddy, if you see this, I love you I love you I love you! You’ll always be my buddy/random older sister to me, regardless of what happens. Really. ♥
