#confused ranting

[littlestrawberries]

error/lust is errotic, outer/error is blackhole, then i imagine that them all together is big bang. big bang, ft “he just eats fucking paint, star???”, “i’m going to prick my finger again and you’re going to laugh at me, lust”, and b e t r a y a l

[llynethsfandomblogthing-blog]

So my gender and orientation remain a mystery tbh. A couple of years ago i was pretty sure i was cis, ace and biromantic.

A few months ago that changed to Nb, bi and homoromantic. And now i’m not sure again. A lot of confused, disjointed rambling under the cut:

I think the problem is that i’m not sure how i’m meant to feel about anything. What does sexual attraction feel like? What does romantic attraction feel like? What does being cis feel like?

I used to ID as ace based on sexual repulsion, not understanding if what i felt was sexual attraction & lack of desire to do anything sexual with anyone ever. Only one of those things makes you ace though, and it’s the thing i’m least sure about. Also like...i don’t know if i feel sexual attraction to guys, but the thought of it makes me feel sick. Apparently this isn’t normal but i kinda assumed nervousness, blushing, stuttering, feeling hot = attraction although apparently you’re meant to want to talk to someone/be close to someone you’re attracted to, not leave the room? Idk though.It kinda feels like an anxiety attack. I feel no romantic attraction to guys whatsoever though but i do for girls & nb people and would rather date them/ be around them so. There’s that.

Sometimes i’m not even sure if i’m actually aro. Like, demiromantic? Grey romantic? Because i’ve definitely fell in love at least once but without having a lot of the desires stereotypical to romantic relationships. I don’t want to kiss them, or have sex with them, i wasn’t really bothered if they reciprocated as long as we remained friends... but holding hands, dates, living together, being the closest person to them? I feel that, at least in theory. In practice i don’t know if i’d actually want a sexual or romantic relationship but i’m ok thinking about it. And i definitely understand squishes and platonic relationships being different from friendships.

Then there’s the gender thing. I don’t know if the huge amount of internalized misogyny i had as a kid and teen is responsible for me feeling like i’m different from cis women. At the same time, i’m not sure if me feeling more masculine as a child was because of this same thing.Recently a family member said they wouldn’t be shocked if i turned out to be trans, so now i’m wondering what’s going on.

Am i trans? Genderqueer? Or just cis? Because i feel a connection to my assigned gender but not like i am that gender. There’s a connection there but when i try to dress up i feel like if people tell me how pretty i am or whatever i’m like ‘good, mission success, no one realized i’m not really a girl’. It’s a...kinda euphoric feeling but more about being able to pass as something without everyone noticing i’m not. I tend to avoid mirrors and photos because i don’t see a girl in them. Also i’m pretty sure my eating disorder as a teen happened because i wanted to remain as androgynous as possible (as well as trying to control a part of my life when i couldn’t control anything else. Boy i love being chronically ill and ND).

I would like to be a girl because i love wearing cute dresses and shit but i don’t feel like i am. Dressing as a guy also doesn’t work because i see the girl in the photo instead and also guys clothes are pretty plain usually even though they have great pockets. Arrgh why can’t i just look how i feel? Nothing’s right and my body is just so uncomfortable. When i was a kid i wanted a dick but now i’m kinda not as creeped out as i used to be about not having one, but occasionally my boobs still freak me out.

Ugh. I’m tired of being confused. Is there somewhere i can go, some site or blog where i can definitively find out what the fuck?

[snastle]

I'm really confused by people who put their name down in the “all breeds” section of the gasp list with a note saying “but not this breed, or this one or this one, and not these, and nothing with underbelly covered and I don’t like purple.”

The gasp list is designed so that artists to pull all the names from one cell without going through them all, and then we’re encouraged to stick them in a duplicate word remover, where all those little notes are nicely deleted along with the duplicate pings.

What is with this outbreak of people expecting artists to stop and trawl through every entry on bulk lists? If you don’t want to be pinged for every breed, maybe don’t put your name in a sheet labeled “all breeds?” If you only want specific styles, maybe put your name in the sheet labelled “specific requests?”

Correct me if I’m wrong but that feels like logic to me.

[konpeitoheart]

- I've been stuck in a rut for four full years, crying and hating everything and then turning around and telling myself everything is grand, and then starting over. I get angry and upset and then I get right back up and laugh about everything. Then I fall over again. I feel like it's never going to end, and maybe I don't want it to? I don't know. It kind of feels like these feelings have become a part of me, and it's almost comforting, in some sort of horrible, twisted way.  I suppose right now I really want to tell myself it's not so bad; that others have it worse and you can't really complain.  But again, that rut, I turn around and tell others that they have a right to complain, that others have it bad but you too, it's okay to feel upset and you can get past it. And I mean it. Even if I don't know anything else I know that I mean that. But I try to say it to myself, that I have the right to be upset and that I have the right to seek help, but it just seems so hollow. Man, my life is fine. I have nothing to worry about. Other people have it so bad. Good golly I am such a freakin' mess.  So this summer, I really want to start over.  I am getting a whole new wardrobe, I'm getting a haircut, I'm going to go to a tutor and I'm going to learn an whole bunch of stuff over the summer and I want to accept that. I want to keep my head high and become a new person. I don't want to be the Sumi that cries herself to sleep at night. I want to be the Sumi everyone sees, the Sumi that is "always calm, even when others aren't", that "never experienced guilt", "has never cried", who has "never been bothered by a thing" is "always happy".  But it's so difficult, and no matter how many times I tell myself to get over it it really doesn't work, and I feel worse.  I want to sleep the summer away, and hibernate and hide from everything and just be a big bear cub, but I can't.  I have to be brave.  Oh my god I'm unconsciously making movie references Sumimaro what the fuck be serious for once  I'm afraid that I won't be able to do it, I'm afraid that I'm just going to fall in that rut again, but I need to try; I'm going to try.  And hey, if I can't and I fall again, it's not like I don't have experience. ... ... ... ... I s2g if anyone is reading this right now  I'm not a depressed child ok I'm ok I over-react Shh just ignore this Ssshh Ok Ok bye

[dromedatonks]

To be fair, I haven't read any of these books so I know next to nothing about these character (except for Dorcas) but THESE PEOPLE CAN NOT ALL BE THAT SIMILAR TO ALL HAVE THE SAME FC DREAMCAST. IT LITERALLY MAKES NO SENSE.