#conquer-myself

[conquer-myself]

With time passing and seasons changing, I've never felt more alive. I couldn't see those clouds slowly fading - whereas now, they have completely disappeared.

one less cloud

[conquer-myself]

If there's one thing that I've learned in 2020 so far... is that it's okay to reach out. Normal life as we know it has violently been pulled from under us, as if we were standing on a rug without a non slip mat under it. I've always had anxiety issues, but these days it's so much worse. Anxiety transformed into depression and I found it hard to find a purpose in my life. I burned out sometime last year without realizing it. I'm a teacher. I love my students. I didn't love myself. It took me some time to realise that I needed to love myself in order to love, and most importantly, help my students the best way I can. I reached out. I spoke to a therapist, started going to the gym again, went to a dietician, picked up hiking, talked to my friends about my situation and saw who was still there while I went through my own personalised hell. The year 2020 isn't over yet, but if there's one thing I've learned, is that it's okay to reach out. How hard it may be at the beginning, it will be worth it in the end.

Please reach out if you need to as well. // conquer-myself

[conquer-myself]

A simple question is enough to have my heart beating faster. ‘’Would you like to take a walk with me?’’ We’re alone in the room, all our friends just left and I’m standing there, counting my breath. I look at you with disbelieve written on my face and scan yours to see if you’re joking. Because that, my friend, would be a cruel joke and you know it. However, I know that’s not who you are. I know that you probably thought way too much about this. I know that you are pretty certain I’m going to say yes anyway. I know this cost you a lot of effort. And that’s why this hurts so much.

conquer-myself

[conquer-myself]

I am a twenty-five-year-old female and I've never had a boyfriend. I have never even had sex. I have never had a real relationship. I have kissed people, though. More than one. Not more than 3. It isn't a lot for someone my age. Sometimes it makes me feel worthless, I'll admit that, but it doesn't define who I am. These days the media makes me feel like I'm alone in this, so I've taken a step back, which is something we should all do (probably). I know that one day, it will all work out. Just as every single person, who has actually experienced this and will never know what it's it like, has told me so. I just need to hold on. Not let it define me. I have to. Do I?

conquer-myself

[conquer-myself]

"I knew." He said, his face unreadable as usual.

"... okay?" I managed to get out. My throat slowly closing up and the anxiety silently kicked in. He knew. All this time. All this fucking time, he knew.

"I thought about it for a long time... but I think we would only bring out each others negative habbits."

"Ah." I swallowed quickly. "So that's a big no then?" I said, trying to lighten the mood.

"You think we could survive?" A beat. "Yes." "I don't think so."

Now, why am I telling you this? I finally managed to put my thoughts out there and confessed my crush to my friend. And I'm proud of myself.

Did I get rejected? Yes.

Do I regret it? No.

I can put it behind me now.

Conquer-myself ~ I finally gave in

[conquer-myself]

He saw me at my worst and then didn't want me at my best.

Conquer-myself ~ I don't blame you

[conquer-myself]

I've become so numb, and with time slowly ticking away, I've accepted that there might never be a time where I will be truly okay. But that's okay.

im done

[conquer-myself]

I wished for my mind to be wiped in order to forget you. Now, 6 years later, I know that I never intended you to be erased from my mind. I only wanted peace and keep the loving memories. Something that I can handle with a delicate touch. There's no shame in wanting your emotions to calm the fuck down - you just need to learn how to deal with them.

I think I figured it out