Hello dearest,
WARNING: DO NOT OPEN ANY OF THE LINKS IN THESE EMAILS! This is SPAM, people!
From: Dion joelle [email protected]
Original Email:
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Hello dearest,
I know that this letter may be a very big surprise to you, but please consider it a divine wish and accept it with a deep sense of humility. I am giving you my trust and wish you will give me back the trust i have given you. I believe that you will be Honest to fulfil my final wish before I will die.
I am Dion Joelle Lea Originally from Montmorillon in western France. I am currently undergoing medical treatment here Cote d’Ivoire. I am 63 years old; I am suffering from a long time Cancer of the breast. From all indication my condition is really deteriorating, and my Doctors have courageously advised me that I may not live beyond next month; this is because the cancer stage has reached a critical stage. I was brought up in orphanage home working in Cote D’Ivoire married to my late husband for twenty years without a child. My husband and I are true Christians, but quite unfortunately, he died in a fatal motor accident.
Since his death I decided not to re-marry, my late husband deposited the sum of $6. 650, 000.00 US Dollars with a bank. Presently, this Money is still in bank custody and the management just wrote me as the legitimate Depositor to inform me of the maturity date of my deposit or rather issue declaration of fund claim authorisation to somebody to receive it on my behalf since I can not come over as a Result of my illness, or they get it confiscated.
It is my last wish to see that this money is been invested into a very good LUCRATIVE VENTURE of your choice that will be giving out proceeds to be distributed each year Among the charity organization, the poor and the orphanage Homes and widows around. I must let you know that this was a very hard decision, but I had to take a bold step towards this issue because I have no further option.
Get back to me through my private email address([email protected]) for more details.
I hope you will help me see that my last wishes come true.
Yours Mrs. Dion Joelle
My Response:
Dearest Dion Joelle,
Out of all the offers to accept millions and millions of dollars that I’ve received today, yours is the most sincere. Although I don’t really need your money, since I’m already awaiting a large settlement of cash from some other foreign nationals. However, I’ve decided to generously allow you to endow me with all that sweet sweet green anyways.
I am very sorry to hear of your “cancer of the breast.” My turkey at Thanksgiving suffered from complications due to breast removal (not to mention thigh, wing, and gizzards). Speaking of Turkey Day, have you ever seen the movie Thankskilling? Man, was that a funny flick! The first line of dialog is spoken by a possessed turkey, “Nice Tits, Bitch”! Now THAT’s comedy gold! It joins such holiday classics as Leprechaun and Jack Frost. I once had a great idea for a horror comedy surrounding Bring Your Child to Work Day entitled...Bring Your Child to Work Day of the Dead! Starring zombie children working for their unsuspecting large breasted, barely out of their teens parents. The opening credits would be a buxom blonde attacked by a zombie girl who then gets fed through a paper shredder while yelling “Better shred than dead!” or something catchy like that. I don’t know...it’s a work in progress.
Anyways, since your husband died (also sorry) don’t you mean that he WAS a true Christian? Sorry, I know I’m nitpicky with tenses. Nevermind.
I must admit that I am a little perpuzzled at your third paragraph in which you state that the bank will confiscate your money unless someone claims it on your behalf? They’d take your money, knowing you are sick? What is this, a John Steinbeck novel? This a great place for a quote beeteedubs...
“The bank is something else than men. It happens that every man in a bank hates what the bank does, and yet the bank does it. The bank is something more than men, I tell you. It’s the monster. Men made it, but they can’t control it.”
― John Steinbeck, The Grapes of Wrath
Anyways, I will gladly take your money even though your lack of contractions somewhat sounds robotic to me. Even if by some far-fetched chance that you aren’t who you say you are and actually do end up trying to scam me, it’s ok because like I said earlier, I have a lot of other wealthy donors. Have you met Quintero Rivillas? He wrote me a nice email a while back about millions of dollars for a charity.
Isn’t the internet grand?
p.s. Sorry for the contractions.
-Fox