Cooking with Spam

I take the time out of my busy schedule to respond to those who took the time to write to me.

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GOOD DAY MY DEAREST!

WARNING: DO NOT OPEN ANY OF THE LINKS IN THESE EMAILS!  This is SPAM, people!

From: Mrs Michelle Obama THE WHITE HOUSE{OFFICIAL RESIDENCE OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE US} 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE NW WASHINGTON DC 20500 USA  

Email: [email protected]

Original Email:

GOOD DAY MY DEAREST! I am Mrs. Michelle Obama and I am written to inform you about your Bank Cheque Draft brought by the United Embassy from the government of Benin Republic in the white house Washington DC has been mandated to be deliver to your address on Friday being of July 15th 2016 to you as soon as you get back to me with your Home address:........................................... Cell phone number:...................................... City:................................................... Your cheque is containing the sum of $60 million USD. Sincerely Yours Mrs Michelle Obama THE WHITE HOUSE{OFFICIAL RESIDENCE OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE US} 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE NW WASHINGTON DC 20500 USA --- This email is free from viruses and malware because avast! Antivirus protection is active. https://www.avast.com/antivirus

My response:

Dear Mrs. Obama,

What an honor it is to receive an email from you in my Spam folder.  Sorry about ignoring all those solicitations for campaign contributions (I swear the checks are still in the mail).  I guess this is sort of your side gig.  I understand, it must be really boring with all your amazing charity work and caring for an amazing family including two adorable pups.  I can see why you feel the need to help make sure hardworking citizens like myself get their hard-earned checks from...where was that?  Benin Republic?  Um, thanks!  I must have some family in that small West African nation because I certainly don’t remember signing up for their lottery.  Upon further review (i.e. a quick Google search) I noticed they’re also the birthplace of Voodoo.  So that’s cool.  Maybe that’s how they knew to send me the moola.  Better than a curse, but then again the Gypsy that my great, great grandmother ticked off in Ireland has that covered.  Thanks again, Granny!

Anyways...

I just want to take the time to say thank you for being an amazing role model to girls all across the country.  Is there any way that you could maybe run for president instead of Hill-dawg?  Trump supporters are always whining about minorities taking white people’s jobs, maybe you could that? 

Speaking of morons, why do conservatives and birthers always type your husband’s middle name in all caps as they tweet in anger from their gas station bathrooms in between breaks from huffing urinal cake fumes?  I always see Barack HUSSEIN Obama everywhere as if they think they’re illuminating some great cover up.  It’s clearly listed on his birth certificate for god’s sake!  Oh, right.  The birth certificate thing.  I forgot.  With all the praise Donald Trump is heaping on Saddam Hussein for killing terrorists, they should be praising the name of HUSSEIN.  Crap, they have me doing it now.  Maybe it’s a keyboard thing.

Anyways, I don’t know why you need my City after my Address, shouldn’t my address include my city?  Also, thanks for the clarification on the status of the White House as the official residence of the President.  At the rate old Dubbya Bush took vacations, I forgot.

You know what, just keep the check/cheque.  Maybe now I can get a White House tour and get to golf with your hubby and Joe-Bi.  Are those beer summits still a thing?  I’d totally be on board for that.  I love those dudes.

Sincerely,

Fox

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Love these sunrises over rock creek cemetery

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Your Abandoned Package For Delivery

WARNING: DO NOT OPEN ANY OF THE LINKS IN THESE EMAILS!  This is SPAM, people!

From:     William G.  Emad Interim Assistance General Manager, (Operations,Maintenance,Transportation) Philadelphia International Airport 8000 Essington Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19153, USA Tel:[phone] Email: [email protected]

Original Email:

Attention            Re: Your Abandoned Package For Delivery I have very vital information to give to you, but first I must have your trust before I review it to you because it may cause me my job,so I need somebody that I can trust for me to be able to review the secret to you. I am Mr.Williams G.  Emad, head of luggage/baggage storage facilities (Operations,Maintenance,Transportation) here at the Philadelphia International Airport USA. During my recent withheld package routine check at the Airport Storage Vault, I discovered an abandoned shipment from a Diplomat from Africa and when scanned it revealed an undisclosed sum of money in a Metal Trunk Box weighing approximately 110kg. The consignment was abandoned because the Contents of the consignment was not properly declared by the consignee as “MONEY”rather it was declared as personal effect to avoid interrogation and also the inability of the diplomat to pay for the United States Non Inspection Charges which is $3,700USD. On my assumption the consignment is still left in our Storage House here at the Philadelphia International Airport Philadelphia till date. The details of the consignment including your name, your email address and the official documents from the United Nations office in Geneva are tagged on the Trunk box. However, to enable me confirm if you are the actual recipient of this consignment as the assistant director of the Inspection Unit, I will advise you provide your current Phone Number and Full Address, to enable me cross check if it corresponds with the address on the official documents including the name of nearest Airport around your city. Please note that this consignment is supposed to have been returned to the United States Treasury Department as unclaimed delivery due to the delays in concluding the clearance processes so as a result of this, I will not be able to receive your details on my official email account. So in order words to enable me cross check your details, I will advise you send the required details to my private email address for quick processing and response. Once I confirm you as the actual recipient of the trunk box, I can get everything concluded within 48hours upon your acceptance and proceed to your address for delivery. Lastly, be informed that the reason I have taken it upon myself to contact you personally about this abandoned consignment is because I want us to transact this business and share the money 70% for you and 30% for me since the consignment has not yet been returned to the United States Treasury Department after being abandoned by the diplomat so immediately the confirmation is made, I will go ahead and pay for the United States Non Inspection Fee of $3,700 dollars and arrange for the box to be delivered to your doorstep Or I can bring it by myself to avoid any more trouble but you have to assure me of my 30% share. I wait to hear from you urgently if you are still alive and I will appreciate if we can keep this deal confidential. Please get back to me via my private Email ([email protected])for further directives: You can call me on my telephone number and drop a message at Tel:[phone] Thank you. Williams G.  Emad

My Response:

Dear Mr. Emad,

Thank you for taking the time to email me.  Well, I guess you didn’t email me directly, but rather your message was forwarded to me from my friend Bee, and now I am responding in her stead.  So yeah, that whole trust thing might be iffy at this point.  

While I would absolutely love to enter into a secret, illicit financial endeavor with you at this time, there are a few reasons that I don’t really believe that you are from Philadelphia.  Let’s go through them, actually.

1.  I did a quick search of your phone number and it seems to me that you have not only sent this exact same email to me (via Bee), but to literally DOZENS of others!  What gives, my friend?  I thought we could trust each other.  What?  Am I supposed to believe that multiple African Diplomats have abandoned multiple packages because they didn’t want to pay fees?  Come on, that’s just crazy!

2.  Your English is WAY WAY too good to be from Philadelphia.

3.  You have $3700 just laying around to pay for shady interweb transactions with strangers.  We all know that there is no way someone from Philly has access to that much cash outside of some sort of giant cheesteak ponzi scheme.

4.  You used Kilograms instead of Pounds.  No one in US, especially Philly, knows what that crazy metric system satanic nonsense means when it isn’t referring to the caliber of a rifle (go ‘Merica!)

5.  Finally, your manners are way to good to be from Philly, the city that actually spit on me and my younger brothers while we attended a Pre-Season football game with our mother while she was undergoing Chemotherapy.  All we were doing was cheering for a REAL Pennsylvania football team...Go Steelers WHOOOOOOOOO!  

Also, I don’t really appreciate you using the phrase “if you are still alive.”  Thanks for making me look over my shoulder, you jerk.

I guess what I’m saying to you, “in order words,” is that I will not be transacting with you.  Have a pleasant rest of your week.  

Sincerely,

Fox

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Sleep with sex-addicts tonight

WARNING: DO NOT OPEN ANY OF THE LINKS IN THESE EMAILS!  This is SPAM, people!

From: Annette BBW Personal Affairs [email protected]

Original Email:

Sleep with sex-addicts tonight

Meet and date really fun sex-addicts this week.

These sex-addicts are only interested in meeting you if you can offer them a one-night-stand.

So if you do not want a girlfriend or boyfriend, but you do want someone to sleep with, then we can help you.

Meet sex-addicts near you.

Pleasure and fun has never been so easy to find at the same place.

We hope you have a wonderful rest of your week.

See Nude Sex Adicts Near You Must be 18 or older to access nude profiles right now!

To not receive this message again please visit

this page

or write to:

Plymouth Associates Ltd. Heywood House South Hill, Anguilla

My Response:

Dear Annette BBW Personal Affairs,

First off, do you know Mistress M BBW Personal Affairs?  Are you related?  If not, I would be happy to introduce you.  Maybe you can get a convention going or something.

Anyways...

I was very tempted to simply jig on by your message as I do so many (so so so SO many) other messages that I receive from folks looking to further their sex addiction, but your truly sincere “We hope you have a wonderful rest of your week” just made me pause.  I cannot say that I have been spoken to so kindly by a purveyor of deviant sexuality before.  I genuinely felt like you cared whether or not that I had a wonderful rest of my week.  Since you sound so interested, I’ll give you a little rundown.

First, I’ve been temping at this staffing agency for the last two months and I’ve had two assignments.  The first assignment was only for a week and was very basic.  Now, my second assignment has become very very interesting to say the least.  My desk is located directly in front of the elevator shafts and both male and female bathrooms hem in either side of my desk.  I have learned that I am now the keeper of the toilet bowl secrets of the kingdom.  I, to my extreme dismay, now know who takes the most and/or longest potty stops throughout the day.  I have even found myself starting to actually JUDGE the people that are clearly just trying to waste time.  I’m not talking about the six, yes SIX, pregnant ladies that should of course make use of the facilities as often as needed, but rather the creepy and overly informative gentleman that feels the need to announce what type of deposit he will be making at the toilet bowl bank each time!  Also, people have started to treat me like a priest in a confessional.  For example, one young lady has started to share the soap opera that the love triangle between her, her friend, and her friend’s boyfriend!  All I said was, “How’s your coffee?” not “Tell me about the inappropriate sex texts you’ve received lately?”  Yikes!

In other news, xmas has come and gone and I can feel the inescapable drag of my most hated holiday...New Year’s.  New Year’s is the worst holiday by far, don’t you think?  I think I’d rather celebrate a day commemorating the creation of no-lick-necessary stamps than New Years!  Anyways, it is definitely the worst holiday!  If New Year’s day were a band, it would be Maroon 5, because everyone is constantly cramming it down my throat despite the fact that it’s so blah and unoriginal.  I think I’ll just end up watching the Twilight Zone Marathon again and dream of a world without New Year’s or Maroon 5.  I think Hell will just be a New Year’s Countdown to a Live performance of Maroon 5.  Damn, I should start going to church!

Finally, I think my wife will divorce me if I spend anymore time or money on the new Star Wars movie.  Talk about a bummer!  Maybe I should start a crowdfunding page to cover my latest addiction.  Care to donate to the “Don’t let Fox go broke over Star Wars Fund”?  I know someone as caring as you would surely chip in a few bucks!

Well, thanks for letting me get a few things off my chest.  You really are so wonderful, and that was very therapeutic.  I do have one problem with your email to me, however.  You say about your service that “ Pleasure and fun has never been so easy to find at the same place”, I disagree.  Have you seen the new Star Wars movie yet?  

Thanks again!

Fox

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Is Your Hair Brush Full of LOST Hair?

WARNING: DO NOT OPEN ANY OF THE LINKS IN THESE EMAILS!  This is SPAM, people!

From: Restore Lost Hair [email protected]

Original Email:

Is Your Hair Brush Full of LOST Hair?

Revolutionary Formula Could

Regrow Your Lost Hair...

A Weird Doctor In New Jersey Was Forced Out Of His Practice After He Discovered A Billion-Dollar Secret He Wasn't Supposed To Know.

He accidentally discovered the natural ingredient that can reverse hair loss and restore a full head of hair in just 60 days.

Over 8,757 people have already tried it, but I wouldn't be surprised if the numbers jumped to over 20,000 by next week!

Click here to read their stories and make your own formula at home.

Make sure you watch the presentation until it's over, because the end will blow your mind!

See The Mind Blowing Video Here!

This is an email advertisement that was sent to you by Restore Lost Hair. If you wish

to no longer receive messages, please

click to unsubscribe

44 Main Street, Douglas, South Lanarkshire, U.K.

My Response:

Dear Restore Lost Hair,

Thank you for writing me about male patterned baldness.  I must admit, however, that I am blessed with a glorious quaff of german irish glory, and so, sadly, will not be needing your services at this time.  I know, I know, it’s a gift and a curse.  Quite frankly, it would be easier to pull off my Lex Luthor impersonation with less dome blanket up top.  Oh well, the things we suffer through in life.

I do have a question for you regarding your, um, informative message.  Why would you need to brush your hair if you are bald?  Also, how was a Doctor in New Jersey forced out of his practice for “discovering” a process to reverse hair loss?  I mean, you said right there that it was HIS own practice!  Come to think of it, why wasn’t he supposed to know the secret?  Why are we even calling this a secret?  It’s not like he discovered the location of Donald Trump’s secret all migrant sex dungeon, though I’m pretty sure I’ve gotten an email about that too, come to think of it.  Who would force him out?  The multi-billion dollar wig making industry?  Do they have a giant man dressed in Chewbacca styled wigs as their enforcer?

Speaking of Chewbacca...

Did you happen to see the new Star Wars movie yet?  OMG I felt like what horny old generation xers must feel when a new Miley Cyrus video debuts!  I really think JJ Abraham did a really wonderful job.  I mean, I laughed, I cried, I ignored the fact that I was surrounded by more middle-aged virgins than I ever thought could exist in a single state!  Oh man, I really loved that movie.  I don’t know why I’m even sitting here at work writing an answer to you and your shiny headed clientele when I could be molding a dummy of myself out of paper clips, Elmer’s glue and shredded printer paper so that I could go see Star Wars again! Hmmmmmmmm

You know what?  I need to start a “project” right now.  So I’ll just sign off by noting that you also once tried to sell me some “Off Grid Power” thing a while ago.  So, I don’t know what’s going on in South Lanarkshire, UK, but I suppose you somehow got the impression that I am not only bald, but also sitting in the dark and crying about it.

Anyways,  

May the Force Be With You, (now where’d I put that damn glue?)

Fox

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Don't be such a jerk...

WARNING: DO NOT OPEN ANY OF THE LINKS IN THESE EMAILS!  This is SPAM, people!

From:  Mistress M BBW Personal Affairs Ad-Partner [email protected]

Original Email:

Can you please not be a picky jerk.

Listen, we know a LOT of women that are seeking a man to have intimate encounters with.

But you do not have to be a picky jerk.

Just be cool and start talking to these women no matter what they look like.

They are not ugly, but do not pass on a date with these ladies just because they are not as hot as you would like them to be.

See what they look like!

All of these ladies are really nice, and very sexual. So keep that in mind please.

To not receive this message again please visit

this page

or write to:

Plymouth Associates Ltd. Heywood House South Hill, Anguilla

My response:

Dear Mistress M BBW Personal Affairs Ad Partner,

Thank you for taking the time to write to me.  I Googled what BBW stands for, and I don’t appreciate it.  The term, of course, not the....ugh nevermind.

I resent the fact that you assume my hesitance to “see what they look like” as being a “picky jerk.”  I am a jerk and awfully picky, just ask my wife and family, but NOT because I don’t want to engage in your very strange and combative web service.  Didn’t you ever hear that you catch more flies with honey?  

Also, I appreciate your suggestion to “just be cool” and start talking to these women despite their less than desirable qualities.  Good for you for not letting a person’s physical appearance detract from your seedy sex scamming world philosophy!  

Anyways, while I appreciate the invitation to talk with your non-ugly, but not hot lady friend clients, I am afraid I must pass.  

Also, what is going on in Anguilla?  I googled your company and also found that you peddle in “local hot moms” AND “crazy sexy dynamos”.  I think I’ll just steer clear thank you very much.

Cheers!

-Fox

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OMG! 143 Million Americans Didn't Expect This...

WARNING: DO NOT OPEN ANY OF THE LINKS IN THESE EMAILS!  This is SPAM, people!

From:  Off-Grid Freedom [email protected]

Original Email:

OMG! 143 Million Americans Didn't Expect This...

OMG! 143 Million Americans Didn't Expect This...

It's right here ladies and gentlemen... and before clicking on the next link, take a deep breath because you're about to be shocked:

>> Video That Will Change Your Day!

In case you don't know... over the last year you paid these greedy people $1284.32... and you found it "normal"...

...because "everybody is doing this". YES... it is true....or... "IT WAS TRUE"... until the day when the beans have been spilled.

Here's what is all about:

>> Watch And Cry <<

You have two options now: #1 - stay on the line... and continue to do what most Americans do (the smart ones have already awakened)

#2 - click above to discover why smart people refuse to pay in average $1284.32 every year.... and they legally go away with this.

This is an email advertisement that was sent to you by Simple Off-Grid Generator. If you wish

to no longer receive messages, please

click here to unsubscribe

44 Main Street, Douglas, South Lanarkshire, U.K.

My Response:

Like OMG WTF OMFG LOLZ!  I like, totally, like, totes my goates, like love this idea!

I like, totally, like OMG didn’t know that I paid $1284.32 (eerily specific and wildly inaccurate) to these people!  Lamesauce!

Ahem...excuse me.  I think I just puked up a seventh grader from 2004.

For starters, I don’t think you, a crazy person from UK that talks like a diseased selfie stick if it could talk, have any idea of what Americans are doing with their energy bills.

Secondly, I don’t think I’ll be clicking on your video, especially after warning me to take a deep breath.  I think you are asking me to take a deep breath so I don’t smell all the bullshit that you’re clearly about to feed me.

I would, however, like to congratulate you on your almost Princess Bride reference of “If you wish”, but the line is actually “As you wish” and oh wait I just realized that was an error in your  paragraph structure so nevermind on that one.

Lastly, I reject your invitation to “watch and cry.”  If I wanted to do that, I’d watch a Maroon 5 video.

Cheers,

Fox  

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Hello dearest,

WARNING: DO NOT OPEN ANY OF THE LINKS IN THESE EMAILS!  This is SPAM, people!

From:  Dion joelle [email protected]

Original Email:

--

Hello dearest,

I know that this letter may be a very big surprise to you, but please consider it a divine wish and accept it with a deep sense of humility. I am giving you my trust and wish you will give me back the trust i have given you. I believe that you will be Honest to fulfil my final wish before I will die.

I am Dion Joelle Lea Originally from Montmorillon in western France. I am currently undergoing medical treatment here Cote d’Ivoire. I am 63 years old; I am suffering from a long time Cancer of the breast. From all indication my condition is really deteriorating, and my Doctors have courageously advised me that I may not live beyond next month; this is because the cancer stage has reached a critical stage. I was brought up in orphanage home working in Cote D’Ivoire married to my late husband for twenty years without a child. My husband and I are true Christians, but quite unfortunately, he died in a fatal motor accident.

Since his death I decided not to re-marry, my late husband deposited the sum of $6. 650, 000.00 US Dollars with a bank. Presently, this Money is still in bank custody and the management just wrote me as the legitimate Depositor to inform me of the maturity date of my deposit or rather issue declaration of fund claim authorisation to somebody to receive it on my behalf since I can not come over as a Result of my illness, or they get it confiscated.

It is my last wish to see that this money is been invested into a very good LUCRATIVE VENTURE of your choice that will be giving out proceeds to be distributed each year Among the charity organization, the poor and the orphanage Homes and widows around. I must let you know that this was a very hard decision, but I had to take a bold step towards this issue because I have no further option.

Get back to me through my private email address([email protected]) for more details.

I hope you will help me see that my last wishes come true.

Yours Mrs. Dion Joelle

My Response:

Dearest Dion Joelle,

Out of all the offers to accept millions and millions of dollars that I’ve received today, yours is the most sincere.  Although I don’t really need your money, since I’m already awaiting a large settlement of cash from some other foreign nationals.  However, I’ve decided to generously allow you to endow me with all that sweet sweet green anyways.

I am very sorry to hear of your “cancer of the breast.”  My turkey at Thanksgiving suffered from complications due to breast removal (not to mention thigh, wing, and gizzards).  Speaking of Turkey Day, have you ever seen the movie Thankskilling?  Man, was that a funny flick!  The first line of dialog is spoken by a possessed turkey, “Nice Tits, Bitch”!  Now THAT’s comedy gold!  It joins such holiday classics as Leprechaun and Jack Frost.  I once had a great idea for a horror comedy surrounding Bring Your Child to Work Day entitled...Bring Your Child to Work Day of the Dead!  Starring zombie children working for their unsuspecting large breasted, barely out of their teens parents.  The opening credits would be a buxom blonde attacked by a zombie girl who then gets fed through a paper shredder while yelling “Better shred than dead!” or something catchy like that.  I don’t know...it’s a work in progress.

Anyways, since your husband died (also sorry) don’t you mean that he WAS a true Christian?  Sorry, I know I’m nitpicky with tenses.  Nevermind.

I must admit that I am a little perpuzzled at your third paragraph in which you state that the bank will confiscate your money unless someone claims it on your behalf?  They’d take your money, knowing you are sick?  What is this, a John Steinbeck novel?  This a great place for a quote beeteedubs...

“The bank is something else than men. It happens that every man in a bank hates what the bank does, and yet the bank does it. The bank is something more than men, I tell you. It’s the monster. Men made it, but they can’t control it.” 

― John Steinbeck, The Grapes of Wrath

Anyways, I will gladly take your money even though your lack of contractions somewhat sounds robotic to me.  Even if by some far-fetched chance that you aren’t who you say you are and actually do end up trying to scam me, it’s ok because like I said earlier, I have a lot of other wealthy donors.  Have you met  Quintero Rivillas? He wrote me a nice email a while back about millions of dollars for a charity.  

Isn’t the internet grand?

p.s. Sorry for the contractions.

-Fox

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Older and Mature Cougars looking for their young cub. Search for thousands of Cougars Today FREE.

WARNING: DO NOT OPEN ANY OF THE LINKS IN THESE EMAILS!  This is SPAM, people!

From:   Hot Local Cougars Dating [email protected]

Original Email:

HOT LOCAL COUGARS

These Hot Cougars are looking for men that are younger and have the energy to keep up with there sexual desires.

Sign up and Instantly Search Through Thousands of COUGAR SINGLES looking for someone like you.

Sign Up for FREE HERE

If you no longer wish to receive our emails, please see here. Or write to: 7040 Avenida Encinas Ste 104 PMB 300 Carlsbad,CA 92011

My response:

Dear Hot Local Cougars Dating,

Thank you for your email dated 12/7/15 at 1:03 a.m.  I apologize for not responding to you immediately, but I was asleep and dreaming about a world where I was not being hunted by deranged wild cats looking for their lost offspring. 

Oh, I see what you’re doing.  You’re using the word “cougar” to denote an older woman looking for sexual experiences.  Sorry about that, I got your email confused with one that was actually about real life cougars on the prowl.  Boy, were they weirded out when I sent them those explicit photos.  How was I supposed to know they were just doing a charity drive for the national zoo!  Now I have to stay more than 300 yards from the wildcat exhibit!  That’s near the dippin dots stand, dammit!

Anyways,  as I currently have my weird fetishist desires fulfilled by the kind people who make chocolate covered pretzels, I’m all good for the moment.

Also, I noticed on google maps that your office is located next to a fish market.  I would be pretty cautious about letting those cougars out of your sight around fish.  

Oh right, you’re talking about old pervos again.  My bad.

-Fox

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Very Weird place to meet women

WARNING: DO NOT OPEN ANY OF THE LINKS IN THESE EMAILS!  This is SPAM, people!

From:  Jamie Single Adult Personals [email protected]

Original Email:

Very Weird place to meet women

We are about to show you a very weird, but extremely fun place to meet sexually active women.

There is a site that you can go to that will help you meet women that just want to meet guys for sexual encounters.

Go here to check this place out

You don't need to spend money to meet these women. They just want to meet guys that they can sleep with and nothing else.

Go here if you would like to not be contacted from us again, or write to: Adult Affairs Network PromoPartner 5425 E. Broadway Suite 228 Tucson AZ 85711

My Response:

Dear Jamie,

Thank you for taking the time to write to me.  I frequently receive similar emails purporting to show how and where I can meet interesting women, men, and livestock.  While I truly appreciate your interest in piquing my interest, I am afraid that your link doesn’t look like a weird place to meet women.  In an honest effort to you help you, I have taken the liberty of listing the following weird and unlikely places to meet interested women:

1.  A nunnery.

2.  In line at a tubachristmas concert.

3.  Clamming off the coast of Maine.

4.  At a traditional Native American Sweatlodge.

5.  At a Nickleback Concert.

6.  Down by the bay, where the watermelons grow.

7.  Early bird dinner at the IHOP

8.  Your Grandmother’s sowing circle.

9.  The alley behind a model train store.

10.  A screening of any Steven Segal movie.

I hope you make good use of these suggestions.  Thanks again for your email!

-Fox

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Re:

WARNING: DO NOT OPEN ANY OF THE LINKS IN THESE EMAILS!  This is SPAM, people!

From:  Galvan, Jose [email protected]

Original Email:

I am Mr Leo ku, I seek your assistance to execute a transaction worth $21,300,000.00 USD in regards to my late client inheritance funds, Reply me for more details.

NOTICE OF CONFIDENTIALITY: This electronic communication may contain confidential information intended solely for school business by the individual to whom it is addressed. Any disclosure (verbal or in print), copying, distributing, or use of this information by an unauthorized person is prohibited, and may violate Spring Branch ISD Board Policy FL (Legal), the Family Education Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA). Should you receive this electronic communication in error, please notify the sender immediately. Thereafter, please delete the message.

My Response:

Dear Mr. Leo Ku or Jose Galvan...whichever...or both...who the hell knows?

Thank you for contacting me about the large sum of money that your client has left to me.  How did you know that 213 is my favorite number?  I’m just lucky that way, I guess.  Did I know your client personally?  I must admit that I am a little surprised that one of my recently deceased friends had that much moola!    Those greedy friends!  They never tell you when they’re holding out on enough money to pay for a private speaking engagement with former president George W. Bush and probably have some money left over to cover the inevitable lawsuit from me drop kicking him square in the cajones!  Hell, I could probably add Karl Rove into that deal too! 

Anyways, I am sending this email in response to your email, which is apparently a response from my earlier email inquiring about the large sacks of money from my recently deceased friend I didn’t know I had.  Which friend was this again?  I bet they still made me pay the bar tab!  Cheap bastards!  Oh sorry.  Never mind, it isn’t that important.

So, I have to be a little honest here and ask why the hell you insert a notice of confidentiality citing the Family Education Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA)?  That has absolutely nothing to do with my cheap dead friend finally paying me back for all the free booze.  The other “legal” privacy statement you quoted is even MORE useless!  It is just some manual for documents concerning the Spring Branch Independent School District!  If you are trying to make me doubt your qualifications as executor of my unknown rich deceased friend’s estate then you’re doing a good job!

Wait a minute?  Education privacy?  Education?  

Oh god dammit! Are you trying to teach me a lesson about greed?!  I told you to leave me alone crazy serial killer from the movie Se7en starring Morgan Freeman, Brad Pitt, Gwyneth Paltrow and Kevin Spacey!  I am NOT joining your freaky deaky fanclub!  God annoying serial killers, I swear!

I’m out.

-Fox

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Date sexual Black women ages 18 to 37

WARNING: DO NOT OPEN ANY OF THE LINKS IN THESE EMAILS!  This is SPAM, people! 

From:  [email protected] 

Original Email:

   This is the best sex-dating-community in the world for men that want to have sexual affairs with beautiful black women.

These perfect looking black ladies are between the ages of 18 to 37.

If you have never made love to a black woman then this could be your chance.

All of the black women you could meet here have the best bodies you will ever see in your life.

Sexual black women ages 18 to 37 want to play with you here: -Adults Only-

Not only are these women sexual, they are sweet, fun, and care very much about taking care of men in the bedroom.

Meet Local Black Women Here

To not receive this message again please visit this page or write to: Attention: Black Women Personal Affairs Ad-Partner Plymouth Associates Ltd. Heywood House South Hill, Anguilla

My response:

Dear  [email protected],

Wow.  I don’t even...just....wow.  First of all, thank you for taking the time to write to me.  I really needed to be reminded that the world is a terrible, terrible place today.  I don’t really approve of anything that you really typed at all.  Although I guess your grammar is better than most spam I receive.  While I appreciate the beauty of the human form in all its many colors and sizes, I would not at this moment care to get involved in  your...er...business.  I would say that your over the age of 37 discrimination is terrible, but let’s face it,  that’s the least of what’s wrong with you.  What the hell is going on down there in Anguilla?  I didn’t even know there WAS and Anguilla!  How racist is it that your country was once a part of the slave trade?  In fact, according to wikipedia, inn 1819, there were 360 Europeans, 320 free Africans, and 2451 slaves living in Anguilla.  I’m so glad to see that, despite the fact slavery is theoretically a thing of the past, you have found a way to continue that shining legacy in the digital age.  Thanks, but no thanks.  

Yours,

Fox

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sometimes you have to do it poorly your self

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Kindly, get back to me

WARNING: DO NOT OPEN ANY OF THE LINKS IN THESE EMAILS!  This is SPAM, people!

From:  Quintero Rivillas [email protected]

Original Email:

Hello, My name is Maria Elena Quintero Rivillas an American citizen based in United Kingdom, I am a dying woman who has decided to donate what I have to charity Organization through you. I am suffering for cancer about 7 years ago and my late husband who had left me everything he worked. I have been touched by the lord to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband to charity Organization through you for the good work of humanity. At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls because I can hardly talk, and I have been restricted by my doctor from taking telephone calls because I deserve all the rest I can get.Presently, I have informed my lawyer about my decision in WILLING this fund to charity through you. I wish you all the best and may the good Lord bless you abundantly, and please use the funds well and always extend the good work to others. If you are interested in carrying out this task, please provide the following information’s stated below: YOUR FULL NAME, YOUR HOME ADDRESSES, CONTACT TELEPHONE NUMBER, A COPY YOUR VALID ID CARD. When the money is in your account, you will take 10% of the total amount and give the balance to the charity organization in your country. Please Forward the requested information’s so that I will advise you what to do to receive this fund so that the Charity Home can be established in our names. If this business interest's you, kindly reply to my private email address stated herein:   [email protected] I am looking forward to receive the requested information to enable us proceed into action. Maria Elena Quintero Rivillas

Dear Maria Elena Quintero Rivillas,

First things first, sorry about the big C.  That truly sucks.  I can tell it must be a quite advanced cancer of your nervous system for you to have such difficulty in writing complete and understandable sentences.  You truly have my sympathy.  Now, let’s get down to that sweet sweet money.  I would be more than happy to help you and your lawyer, whose name you never even mention once, in distributing your inheritance, of which you state no given amount, to further the good work of humanity.  Minus my fee, of course.  Speaking of which, I can tell that you are not long for this world and must truly be desperate to seek someone such as me to aid you in your philanthropic goals.  So I must admit that I feel the need to take advantage of the situation like a good capitalist and ask for an increased fee of 30%.  I’m sure you can understand that your time is short and you have no means of finding someone else as qualified as myself to do this very important job.  Am I taking advantage of you?  Yes.  Yes, I am because I want to that’s why.   What are you going to do about it?  You can’t call the police.  You just told me that you can’t use the phone!  Don’t worry, I promise to start the “Charity Home” in your names...I know just the port o’ potty to hang the plaque on!  Mwuhahahahahahahahaha!

Anyways, thank you for choosing me and I’ll be in touch with you shortly.

Maniacally yours,

Fox

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Not a slut

WARNING: DO NOT OPEN ANY OF THE LINKS IN THESE EMAILS!  This is SPAM, people!

From:  [email protected]

Original Email:

not a slut

You need to know something about the women that belong to the Lonely Wife Hook Up affairs community.

These women are not sluts.

These women are stuck in marriages that they do not want to be in.

They joined this affairs community so they can meet men like you that want to just have a sexual-affair.

They cannot get divorced just yet, but they will sleep with you.

They are not looking for a boyfriend. Just a guy that they can call up when they want to have an affair.

You really should consider meeting and sleeping with these women.

Meet these women today...

Best of all, they will let you do anything at all to them in the bedroom.

You know you are a little curious. Just check it out. Must be 18 or older

My response:

Dear, er...um...uh...not a slut,

Thank you for contacting me about your fellow non-slut community based membership forum service.  I appreciate the fact that you took the time out of your busy schedule of managing and maintaining the database of your Lonely Wife Hook Up Affairs Community organization to email me about your clients.  Just a thought, when one wants to join this community is that something that you google? Like “looking for consensual physical affairs without the need for divorcing my husband in the digital age?” or “Need man, have computer.”  How about “Beep Boop Horny”?   Nevermind, don’t answer that.  

I appreciate you letting me know that the women are only interested in a “sexual affair”, I really don’t have time to do other people’s laundry at this point in my life. I mean, you have to sort out the colors from the whites, make sure the delicates are on the proper setting, and don’t even get me started about the proper ratio of fabric softener to detergent!  I mean come on!   What am I a chemist?!  No, no I am not.   Anyways, I’m sure it is that kind of straightforward marketing strategy that got you started on the amazing non slut-oriented career path that you are on today!  Kudos to you!  While I must admit there are a great number of things about which I am curious, sadly, your service is not one of them.  I know, I know, they’ll let me do “anything at all to them in the bedroom” right?  I hope that includes ignoring them to focus on literally anything else.  

Thanks anyways!

-Fox

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How 78,659 People Reversed Their ED Naturally...

DISCLAIMER: DO NOT OPEN ANY OF THE LINKS IN THESE EMAILS!  This is SPAM, people!

From: Dave Sullivan [email protected]

Original Email:

How 78,659 People Reversed Their ED Naturally...

Scientists discovered something that will scare the daylights out of you.

Those erectile dysfunction pills millions of men use to "perform" in bed... have side-effects so terrible they should be illegal!

Check out what they revealed

So what other options are there except for expensive surgeries and dangerous experimental treatments?

The safest method you can try is a natural formula proven to eliminate ED in just a matter of days - over 78,659 people have used it and they claim it works better than pills.

Take a look for yourself: click here to see how it works

If you'd prefer not to receive future emails,

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44 Main Street, Douglas, South Lanarkshire, U.K.

My Response:

Oh my god!  Did scientists discover a ten pound cockroach?  Because that is the first thing that comes to mind when you say it will scare the living daylights out of me!!!  What, no?  Oh thank gawd, you had me worried there!  Oh you’re talking about silly willies.  I got you now.  What are men “performing” in bed?  A cabaret?  Are men belting out show-tunes to woo their partners?  What sort of dangerous experimental treatments are there for erectile dysfunction?  Is it like Frankenstein and when it works the mad scientist is like “ITS’ ALIVE!!!”  Where did you get that number of 78,659 people?  That seems oddly specific.  It’s like you could have said nearly 80,000 or even over 75,000 people, but no, you had to be very exact.  Kudos to you, I guess.  While I appreciate your invitation to “see how it works” I am on my work computer and don’t think my boss would appreciate me looking at pictures of men regaining their frankensteinian erections.  I’ll just go back to looking at videos of corgis.  You should like them too...you have a British address!  Although, when I google map your location it shows a “Office Wizard” storefront.  So I guess you hock penis pills as a side gig.  Good for you!  

Cheers mate!

Fox 

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Frodo and Simba playtime!