My New TV Show
I am considering pitching the following to the Food Network, if only to see how fast they call security on me before ripping off my idea:
COOKING WITH VODKA: in which an enormous, barrel-chested Russian tries to cook whatever happens to be in his path while increasingly drunk off his ass AND WINS.
Pilot Episode: Boris (or whatever we call him) visits Anthony Bourdain, plies him with vodka and then attempts to cook 30 kilos of potatoes. Bourdain takes issue with his methods, and Boris donkey punches him and then cries because the potatoes really were overcooked.
Episode 2: Boris goes to visit David Chang and wakes up three days later in a field in Kentucky. We see random flashbacks involving liquor and ramen and the involvement of law enforcement.
Episode 3: Boris goes to visit Bobby Flay to learn about fire. Flay turns down Boris' offer of a third liter of homemade vodka; Boris sodomizes him and is nominated for a James Beard Award.
Episode 4: Boris auditions for Chopped but flunks the background check. He eats part of a production assistant before being escorted off the set.
Episode 5: Boris steals a car and turns it into a mobile kitchen but is sued for copyright infringement. He drives the kitchenmobile through Guy Fieri's trailer and then drunk-dials Bobby Flay.
Episode 6: Boris attends the Southern Foodways conference and is asked to fill in for a late cancellation on a panel discussion about something that eludes his grasp of English, resulting in a restraining order and a second James Beard nomination. Later he marries Paula Deen for 72 hours and stops scowling for a while.
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I'm all ears for suggestions on how to fill out the rest of the season, but I suspect some of all of this will be co-opted by Epic Mealtime's new show and I'll just have to console myself with lurid thoughts of Nigella Lawson and strawberries.