#cop out post

[abreathofmyinspiration]

the Facebook status I posted four years ago was "dude. I'm going to Europe. TOMORROW" maybe it's about time I find a reason to go back.

[abreathofmyinspiration]

You’re asleep, your breathing sounds sad

Six Word Story

[therealthehelen]

May 1st 2015: Cop Out

This is a real cop out post. As you can see I’m late posting this week and have broken a so far perfect record of posting on Mondays.

Lots of reasons mainly lack of home Internet while we change providers, lack of time during a busy week off and then a busy few days back at work, and my spare time and energy being sucked up by a new kitten, Loki.

So here’s a picture of said kitten to tide you…

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[lilmisskmm]

A letter from me at 16 to older me.

Letter from my 16 year old self

Dear older me,

This is older me right?

(Right)

As I write this I should be revision for my GCSES-But why bother as I am going to fail them all anyway.

(Wrong! I did really well on some, not so well on others but did not fail any-i really should not have doubted myself so much! Some would argue that still applies.)

I decided to write this instead.

(Well, this should be interesting.)

How old are you now? I'm 16, um clearly cos of evil GCSE Stuff.

(Well I'm 29 and us humans do love to point out the obvious do we not. Hum that sounds like something from The Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, anyways back to the letter.)

and well bored of life!

(To be fair it wasn't brilliant at that time, not as bad as that makes out but still)

and hoping it gets better.

(Laughs-if only my younger self knew the symbolism that held, yep, oh and from where I was at 16 it did. )

Loads of people say it will when I get to college and I have my own life to lead, but I don't see it happening some how.

(I should have listened to them because that's exactly when life started to improve. It took time, sure but life now is well okay-mostly)

There's just too much pressure, got to do well in your exams, got too look perfect , got to be popular and in the in crowd, and have a date for prom, got to know exactly were your life is going and sometimes I want to explode!

(Oh kid, you did way better than anyone expected, you decided that prom was some imported American BS that us Brits do not do so did not go and even now you have no idea where life is leading you-here a secret I wish someone had told you back then, no-one does! You walked out of that school and never saw most of them again. And that does not bother me even now as I found a great bunch of friends. )

I AM A LOSER! I AM NOT GOING TO ACHIEVE ANYTHING, NO LOVE LIFE NO JOB, LONER, SCREW UP, LOSER!

(Oh my god I was an emo brat back then, talk about being a drama queen. I want to take that kid and shake her, I suspect people may want to take me now and shake me. In the right circumstances that would be my thing but I digress.)

WANTS IT ALL TO END, NO-ONE WOULD MISS ME!

(Ah I remember this night now. Not a highlight that's for sure. Thank you whoever, whatever I was not allowed to finish that thought, that endeavor. Depression sure is a bitch and I was well in its clutches. Sometimes I think I still am. )

I AM NOT GOING TO WRITE ANYMORE!

Well I'm glad I stopped there to be honest. I am glad that I am not that struggling not so sweet 16 year old. Life was not as bad as I thought back then and still is not, yeah life is not perfect but I am so glad I stuck around for what was to come.

But well that's a different story.

One for another day.

One that this blog is attempting to show in fact.

Yes today's post is still not what I was going to post yesterday. That one is going to take a bit of carefully thought out writing so today's was something I wrote for a writing group I am in. It has been edited for tumblr but it is all my own work and was genuinely based on me at sixteen.

I may do a genuine letter to my my younger self at some point, who knows it may be fun.

Feedback is welcome, encouraged, appreciated and paid back in kind.

[insanitycupcakes]

Too bad, but it's the life you lead. / You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need. / Though you can see when you're wrong, you know you can't always see when you're right / you're right. / You got your passion / you got your pride / but don't you know that only fools are satisfied. / Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true. --Billy Joel, "Vienna"

If you don't stare at the dark, you can never feel bleak. / Life starts to lose its taste. / So I, I would but I'm so tired. / If I can shake myself, I can dance with you. / I hear the drums. / The worn-out beat of a tired heart. / You are young. / If this is the prime of life / I wish I could skip the blasted youth. / Skip the youth. / It's aging me too much.  --Frightened Rabbit, "Skip The Youth"

Through winter's advancing, we'll stay young, go dancing. --Death Cab for Cutie, "Stay Young, Go Dancing"

I am so tempted to end this post right here.

And actually, you know what, I think I will. Sometimes the songs speak for themselves. I feel like if I did properly write this post, I'll just end up quoting every line "Vienna" at least twice.

Needless to say, I've been thinking about my lack of a future again and how everyone has their own opinion about how I should go about it. Also, my brother and sister graduating from high school and grade school respectively are bringing back some horrible memories about my own graduations. Things haven't changed at all.

Sorry for the cop-out. Haven't really properly sorted out my feelings about being young and not being young and time and pasts and futures and not imagining all my dreams to come true. Last week, a prof showed us how he gets about 4,700 pesos in royalties from the sales of the twenty-seven books he's written. I wonder whether Vienna did indeed wait for him.

Anyway, the song-quoting has started and it's time for me to end it. I promise to write a decent post next time. Be off and dance, my young friends.