I sent a 35 word message earlier today. That was probably really easy, right? Wrong. I spent five and a half hours writing and rewriting and re-rewriting it, fell out with my parents in the process, and then had a massive panic attack after sending it. Fun... :|
Since I’m still working on this because my next appointment is on the fifth, I’ll add it even though it was started in 2015.
My latest homework involves noting my triggers and what I do for coping and if it worked or not.
One of my biggest triggers is Mother, but we haven't been getting anywhere with that, so the latest way of coping is to walk away. Once I have more things under control or figured out we’ll probably take another look at that. Triggers involving Mother can cause a range of reactions for me, from a simple roll of the eyes, to a full blow panic attack. The other day she hunted me down all the way in my room just to ask me question after question about why I go to my friends house if her Father smokes, and why does her Father smoke, and doesn’t her Father know he shouldn’t smoke, and why is her Father smoking after his heart surgery years ago, and does her Father smoke when I’m there, and how dare I be there while her Father is smoking in another room, and why do you smell like smoke, and smoke is bad, and why are you allowing yourself to get second hand smoke, and etc. etc. etc. until you basically want to stab your ears out so you can’t hear her anymore. I’m not going to stop hanging out with one of the few friends I actually enjoy time with, so perhaps I’ll just bring a change of clothing and keep it in my car *shrugs*.
Trigger-Father is upset: Father and Brother have been trying to fix the internet in our house, and it hasn’t been working. This has been going on for a few months, with many different calls to various “professionals” like Comcast and Geek Squad. Nothing seems to work. Father just decided that they would go to the actual Comcast building/store and buy all new equipment. While setting it up they discovered that our phone no longer works, and we’re still unsure if we have internet. Now Father is off on his tirade about big business and computer “bullshit” and how technology makes him angry. I don’t like seeing him this upset, and I feel badly that I’m not able to help fix it. I cope by taking deep breaths, repeating that this is just the way he deals, or leaving the room.
Trigger-Brother: Brother and I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for quite a while. However, after a traumatizing event and misunderstandings, it was decided that Brother would go into therapy and play the medication game. That was about six years ago, and since then Brother has been on and off medication. I believe I mentioned starting therapy and medication about five months ago, and have been sticking to my medications. Now that Brother has decided to quit therapy and stop medication there are a lot of times when the family is bombarded by his moods. I wish Brother would go back, but I know that is not my decision to make. I cope by calmly trying to bring the moods down/up to a safe level or by leaving the room.
Trigger-School: Sometimes I feel like school is too overwhelming, or that the school or other students or teachers are messing with me on purpose. The other day I started to panic because I thought that the school had changed me from a class I had chosen into a class with a different teacher. I talked myself through it, telling myself it was the same class, and I looked up the teacher and their ratings were good, so it’s still OK.
Trigger-Internet Posts/Real Life Convos: I know I can be a very controlling person, though I seem like a nice, go with the flow kinda person most of the time. I still feel the need to maneuver everything around me. One thing I have trouble with is others who say things I don’t believe or I believe are not true. I know everyone has their own opinions, and sometimes we all need to agree to disagree. But there’s this animalistic urge clawing its way up my throat that needs to make them submit. I’m trying not to respond to these triggers, but sometimes they are simply too much. If I end up not replying I fester on them all day, but I know that replying would also make things awful. Not sure how I’m coping with this one.
If all else fails, blocking everything out with music and hiding in my room usually works. Or anything else that keeps me from mind racing.
okay, depressed friend, you and i, we have both had our fair share of mental health problems and life problems. but when you explicitly ignore my requests for personal space by following up with a conversation on how your behaviour has become abusive and is driving your friends away, i cannot and will not put up with that motherfucking gaslighting any more. i know it is a cry for help and blah de fucking blah; i know, i've been there myself. but GROUPS OF PEOPLE have tried to help you get to RESOURCES, DOCTORS, EMERGENCY HELP, and ajsfl jaslf jasklf aslkfjlas flkasjf lajf lasjf lkasjf lkasjf lkasjf lkasfjlkasjflkasjf kalsjf aslkjf alksf jaskljf lkasjf laksjf asklfj aslkjf laksjf laksjf lkasjf lkasjfkl asjf
why this has to just keep going after i've had a 14 hour day coding c++, i have no idea, but god, you owe me a farm worth of ponies.
/trigger warning for immigration, red tape, bureaucracy, furious K
OKAY, US GOVERNMENT, ANSWER ME THIS QUESTION: say that, theoretically, I am an evil nasty no-good immigrant* here to steal your women, wine, and liberty* by actually giving you a gazillion million trillion $$$$ along with my time, life, and energy just so that I can make a life here with my partner, my education, and the fact that I've been here for half a decade. Hypothetically.
Say, further, that I've been in your little system waiting to be stamped for thirteen months and now that you've decided that the $$$$$ is good enough, I get to be trapped for another 11 months? And okay, so that - hypothetically - I'm not in love with my friends or family that live an ocean away and don't need to see them, as has been the case for the last one-point-five years while I wait for the red tape to get cut. Let's just say.
WELL THEN, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW WHEN YOU TELL ME THAT, AMONG OTHER THINGS, WHAT I CANNOT DO IS:
Leave the country
Work***
Study
????????????????????????????????????????? So you want me to just sit around partying all day with money that is falling from the sky?????????? ??? ??? ???
///askfl;ajsfaskjf akljf laksfj
*P.S I graduated fucking magna cum laude from one of your top-4 universities where I worked jobs during the semester for three out of four years and not because I had to.
**P.P.S not like I don't pay you a regressive amount of tax or anything on my less-than-minimum wage lifestyle
**P.P.P.S I don't know how it's stealing jobs when all my prospective and past employers literally tell me that I deserve the job; deserving a job seems to be the opposite of stealing it
once upon a time, a little bit in between depression and depression, I apparently wrote stuff like this: http://karanguni.livejournal.com/62890.html
how where
where did those words come from
it's like looking into a mirror that goes backwards through time and not recognising -- and envying -- the person there. part of me is ready for the fight to get the words back into my mouth/onto the paper/onto the page; another part of me just wants to jump screaming up and down and ask: why did it get taken away from me? why did my brain chemistry get turned upside down? where did my words go?
