My therapist and I are going to try CPT, cognitive processing therapy, which she recently got trained in, to try to help with the freeze response that Im experiencing and is preventing us from doing any work. I am reliving stuff with my previous therapist K who i had the traumatic termination with and complicated relationship with and that is affecting my ability to be present with my current therapist. I am still doing EMDR (which I also have again this week) really to address the same thing but its been slow going there too. Originally she said that she didnt think it was something we could currently do because of the freeze and level of disconnect between my body and mind but last week she said she was rethinking that and thinks its worth trying because its based a lot in writing, which is often accessible and helpful for me and processing the trauma that is intertwined with the current stuff with her. I am super anxious about it because Im not sure I'm going to be able to do it (because of the freeze), just like ive struggled to do EMDR (because of the freeze/protective parts) but I want to be open to trying it because something needs to change. A part of me trusts my therapist and knows that all the evidence shows she knows what shes doing and will go at my pace and help us find ways to work around it and do this together and that she believes it will help. I am just so scared though as always with anything new, another thing to fail at or another thing for the freeze to prevent really.
I listened to This American Life podcast episodes that was a journalist who did CPT for SA and it was interesting and helpful to listen to. It sounds like its pretty worksheet heavy and writing heavy but that might be good for me. I know that these things often need a bottom up, somatic focused approach, but I think there's room for the cognitive top down too and that might be the way into it for me, allowing me to process it and try to reframe some of it. I think its a bit confusing still to me since I know CPT is usually more for single incident traumas or PTSD where I fit more the CPTSD /attachment trauma.
Im going to try to keep up with writing about it during the process and sharing that, mostly for myself so I can look back and see any changes or progress
