EMDR today was not EMDR, but it was intense. We did somatic symbolic experiencing instead as ET is going through training for it and working that into their practice now.
We started with a conversation about removing the judgement and shame around the freeze; to work towards a point of separating what is happening physically (collapsing in, hiding) and being able to stay present and engaged. ET encouraged curiousity versus shame and judgement and the fear. They asked if Id be willing to try a somatic exercise and talked me through one that was "body as a container", about recognizing what my skin holds and whats inside my body versus outside my body. I struggled to get myself to do it which is not a suprise as those types of exercises, connecting with my body in that way, is something im very disconnected and protected from.
We moved to trying to open a dialouge between my body and myself, trying to listen to what was coming up on that fundamental body focused level, instead of the cognitive, shame based level I am most comfortable with. It took a lot of slow and mindful pushes from ET but what came up, which is still quite cognitive versus my body was the feeling of "this is not safe" and the belief under that "I am bad". I could not get any deeper than that belief, that ultimately feels like the wall, the bottom of the layers.
I am not generally an imagery person, I prefer using words and descriptions, but today was a day I really challenged myself to go with the images and to describe them and embody them how I could and it ended up being quite powerful. I wish I was artistic and could draw this out for myself, but I am unfortunetly not. What I can and have done is write it out more poetically, although im not sure I will share that, maybe with my therapist.
I expressed how it feels like a ping pong ball frantically bouncing back and forth against the walls of a small room when it comes to how many different ways I and my therapists have tried to talk about and around the freeze and all the different approaches we've tried to doing something about it (talking about it, validating it, pushing me, mindfulness, EMDR, parts work, CPT, now somatically). That led to the feeling of the collapse, the "this is too much".
That was the main imagery work we did. We built this image layer by layer as ET prompted and asked about what each part or feeling would be symbolically. It started with me collapsing into a ball (like i literally physically do in sessions) as the walls of a room close in on me. I expressed how the desire is to collapse and crumble but in an open way, a surrender kind of way, so that image became a body laying flat on their back, arms and legs stretched out and splayed to the side. This immediately triggered a panic and trauma response, that was screaming how its not safe and we dont have the time for it, we dont have the time to slow down and get to this level. I connected that its an abandonment and attachment piece at play, it connects strongly to K, that I let myself get to that vulnerable open level and it blew up in flames. I mentioned how in sessions with K I would even physically embody that release when I would lay on the floor or we would lay next to each other with our legs up the wall. It made talking easier, it made it safer and it deepened the connection and attachment. So now that has become a trauma trigger of never wanting or being able to allow my body to do that again. The symbol for this part became a ticking clock, right above my head, reminding me that I am running out of time (before im abandoned). I expressed how its unavoidable because even if I can close my eyes to the clock, I can hear it ticking no matter what I do. That led to the feeling, a very physical one that I needed to run away and get out of the situation. It felt like in order to do that I had to leave my/the body, I imagined floating away from myself where im just my body but dont have my mind or thoughts. It ended with that body, that me, in a spacious white open room, which I think was powerful as it was space to move and be disconnected.
Trying to reflect on the imagery experience and the physical side in the moment was more challenging. I found myself suddenly feeling so sick, nauseous and a headache, my eyes burning like I was going to cry, fear and tension and a lot of pain left in my body. I told ET how there is so much more pain and more there than I was able to express or imagine and how scary that is, how shameful I feel that I cant access it or express it, even if a part of me wants to. They talked about how I did the deep work and how the part of me, the walls closing in and constricting me, feels omnipotent, telling me "I will never be defeated", but the response in my body shows that is not the case and that there is a conversation to be had with my body.
ET sent me a couple guided medications that they recorded that are focused on somatic and body approaches and encouraged me to try to listen to them between our next appointment. They also encouraged me to try to let more of these conversations happen with my body, without forcing it, but allowing myself to notice what my body is communicating.
