I got my car back today. It’s a huge trigger for me.
The day I got this car, I went and retrieved drugs. And did every day thereafter.
I once lived in this car when my crack addiction got so bad that my landlords kicked me out.
I used to drive around using my knee to steer while smoking crack and driving.
I used to sell drugs using this car.
I even lent my car to drug dealers for some ‘free’ cocaine.
This car is a huge trigger for me. So today, is not a good day.
Theres nothing I want to do more than to go and take money out of my bank, call up a local dealer, and go and get drugs.
But after I get drugs-if I were to get them, I know how soon they would last, how shitty they would make me feel, and how defeated I will become.
I can’t let my addiction control me. I can’t let myself give up the last three months of sobriety for a quick ending high.
Oh right, today is my three month mark of sobriety. So I guess that makes things a little more difficult as well. As the 3-6-9 periods are said to be tough.
So instead of getting high, I will write my confession here, because I don’t want my confession to be that I relapsed. But I’m okay with confessing that I have some deep urges to do so.
Maybe I’ll take a nap.