It’s August 11th, which means today is my 3 month anniversary with alllll my fuckin body probs. Maybe it’s because of generally everything else, but it feels like so much longer. I’ve reconnected with one of my childhood friends because of her illness and being able to talk about medications and general medical guilt and stuff. It’s been really nice. She even invited me to come over and see her and hangout in her hot tub because she thinks it’ll help. She’s been in strict quarantine since February, so it’s kind of a big deal. I’m really grateful. I’ve always been bad at friendships. Anyways, it’s also day 7 since my epidural and steroids in my spine and 3 and 1/2 weeks since my hip steroids. I’m getting a bit deflated because, while my back is bothering me, my hip feels like it won’t get better. Let me explain. There is physical deterioration and damage that can be seen in my spine. Somehow it will be fixed, whether extreme or not. But, on the other hand, there is no reason at all for it to hurt. Absolutely none. None that is visible, anyway. My first round of everything started thinking I had a hip issue and then they were like “oh ur spine is cracked lol.” At this point, walking, standing, sitting, laying down, doing anything puts strain on my hip and because there is no way to see why it hurts, I’m scared there won’t be a way to fix it. I keep getting told over and over that I can’t be negative forever or that I’m thinking too much about it, but, if you never stopped hurting, I think you’d think about it constantly, too. I guess I’m still just kinda mad about the situation. My next appointment with pain management is a video call on the 20th, and I hope he will listen to what I have to say and consider changing my meds. I’m just tired. So many things have been taken off the table for my life and it’s discouraging.
