#craft and practice

[blackmysticinfinite]

these are dark times.

my Guide carries Her torch high,

a beacon of hope

while still keeping Her secrets close.

and asks me: Will you trust the Holy?

here below, I am among shadows;

She surrounds Herself in mystery

I bow my head and open my palms,

asking Her to lead me

deeper on my journey.

[blackmysticinfinite]

mother of fire, your passion has turned

to wailing.

weep as you must, and remember

what burns within you

will save you; there is much

to be born.

there is hope, distant

though it may be, veiled

on the other side of the sky.

cling to it, and know

you are not alone.

you and all of your siblings

are Beautiful.

what can I do? am I powerless

in this fight?

to love and uplift those around me--

this must my focus be;

this is what my siblings need.

I can challenge and curse later, true

to my calling,

but now is not the time

for more war.

I will tuck away my blades,

and be with my people in their mourning.

[blackmysticinfinite]

Certain adjectives follow me like shadows.  

Intuitive.  Intelligent.  Impressive.  

Wise.  Deep.  Honest. 

Raw.  Vulnerable.  Strong. 

I have heard these words 

from teachers, parents, siblings, 

friends, family, adults, strangers, children. 

I am always vaguely uncomfortable, slightly

confused. What do you mean?

They smile and shrug and can never say

much else.  They cannot explain what they sense. 

I drift inward, to an other-world.  who i am 

doesn’t really matter. but what am i? and why

does everyone think of me this way? 

is this what it means to be a enigma?

and if that is what i am, and there is something deeper 

hidden in me--do i want to chance discovering

my full capabilities?  or is the greater risk leaving

all these gifts unused?

[blackmysticinfinite]

i have a bad habit of freaking out that my practice doesn’t look like someone else’s.  i panic, thinking, am i really a witch if i don’t have spell jars and reference texts and a stock of candles?  am i really a witch if im not casting hexes or creating sigils, if im not doing the things that all the other tumblr witches do???

here’s a fun fact: i don’t have to do any of those things to be a witch. 

i forget that.  i forget it A LOT.  but im writing this as a note to self, something i can come across later and be reminded.  my practice doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s.  

and this goes beyond how i practice my faith.  if my beliefs and values differ from my parents’ and families, that’s okay.  

if my understanding of my gender, orientation, ability, and personhood is wildly different from what i was raised on--or what other people expect/ assume of me--that’s okay.  

i am learning how to live inside my own skin.  and if it doesn’t look like what everyone else does, that’s okay.  

because this skin, this story, is mine.  not theirs.  

[blackmysticinfinite]

a message of "enough"

last sunday, the sermon gave me a lot to think about. what would it look like if I trusted when G-d says that I am enough? what would it look like if I trusted G-d to be enough? what if I relied on the provision of the Almighty?

I've been job searching since February. along with the cycles of depression and ambivalence, feeling like I'll never get a job and I might as well give up and my future is bleak, I've been nursing a brood of anxieties. what if I get a job but can't do anything? what if it turns out I don't know anything? what if I can't work long hours, or even normal hours, because of my disabilities?

the sermon on Sunday was quite a challenge, and not just a little bit convicting. "Enough!" like a mother exasperated with her child. "enough," like a lover whispering to another. worries aren't easily defeated. but I've already memorized my anxieties, maybe even memorialized them. what if I turned my attention to other plants in my garden? what if I listened to the wind in the trees of my anxieties, singing, "you are enough. trust that, and trust me."

on Sunday, I felt refreshed and renewed by this message. yes, I can trust that everything will be alright! on monday, I felt ready to face the week. yes, I am enough and G-d is enough for me! on tuesday, I didn't get done what I thought I would, but gave myself permission to rest. it's enough to enjoy the things and people I love!

today? mostly plagued by doubts that had crept in yesterday, persisted through the night, and greeted me with wide grins this morning. I'm not enough! I've wasted too much time! I've failed and I can't be redeemed!

but then I thought back to Sunday's sermon. i wondered if I could trust that message of enough. I lie in bed and cried out my worries, my what ifs, my i-dont-know-if-i-can-do-this!!!??? I pleaded for strength, for faith, for a sign. I consulted my cards. and was reminded that yes, I am enough. and G-d nudged me, asking, "will you trust?"

tentatively, I put my hand in my Mother's. I let Her help me out of bed and into clean clothes. I let Her lead me to my journal, to writing my way through everything going on inside me. and I started to worry. "maybe I can do today. but what about tomorrow? I know who you say I am, what you say I can do, and I believe you--but what if I can't get there? what if I can't make it that long, that far?"

and She said to me, "I am with you through the night, and again every morning. Every day, I will give you what you need. I will give you enough for the day. Can you trust me?"

I don't know if I have enough faith for tomorrow. but She's given me enough for today. I'm going to breathe, and trust that it will be okay. and when I start to doubt again, G-d please help me have faith.

[blackmysticinfinite]

the magician is just one step ahead of the fool: a novice who recognizes one's own power, but has much to learn about how, and when, and where to use that power. that's how I feel, lately: I can't deny that I have been called to this path, but I can't pretend like I know exactly what I'm doing.

[blackmysticinfinite]

I'm a black individual who wants to learn more about my ancestors' beliefs, religions, and cultures. and I have zero clue where to start....