Netcong Records #028
Happy publication day to Craig Champlin. The Ernie Bedlam Stories (Netcong Records #028 (TXT)) is now available for purchase here.
The book is best enjoyed whole, like the Old Man's fish on the sea, but here is a morsel for those without that appetite this moment:
MORTALITY
Yep, Ernie thought, as he lay sprawled on the couch like a theme park, Another legend out the door. Ah life! You got to take the beer with the sweet. Ernie had tried to find knickers for Payne Stewart’s tribute, but his legs were short and hot pants with a forty inch waist were hard to come by, even at the gay resale shop.
Ernie didn’t know what to do with life, much less death. When Mickey Mantle died, Ernie had a moment of silence, during which he thought, Of course, the man drank like a fish. Privately he had hoped Mick had willed his used Playboy collection to him. When Ernie heard, Where have you gone Joe DiMaggio... on the Mexican band stand cable TV station, he knew just what to do. He went to the bar. There Ernie found countless others drowning their sorrow over the demise of Joe, Jesus and Jake the mechanic, who liked to beat on his wife a little.
After Dad Bedlam passed nine months ago, Ernie had been left an orphan. He’d had great experience handling death. His advice, when asked was, It’s tough but don’t take it personally. If someone’s still pitching, you got to come up to the plate.The only glitch in the picture occurred when Wilt Chamberlain recently passed. The man was just too tall and had slept with too many women. This left Ernie befuddled and thirsty.
When last seen, Ernie was furiously looking through the bins at the used record store for a recording of Dylan’s “When the Ship Comes In.” Once he found it, he ran home and watched re-runs of “Let’s Make a Deal” and drank a six pack.
Walter Payton’s death left Ernie speechless and morbid. He sat on the couch and listened to “Dust in the Wind” by Kansas and watched the witch’s Dorothy say, Auntie Em, I want to come home. There was no more sweetness in Chicago today. Ernie finally passed out, clutching Garcia, the Beanie Baby, to his chest.
Craig Champlin NOVEMBER 7, 1999