Interviews
I was twelve when I wrote these. Please forgive me, world, because they are truly truly awful.
Title: Interviews! Category: Books » Harry Potter Author: furiouskittenn Language: English, Rating: Rated: K+ Genre: Humor/General Published: 05-29-01, Updated: 08-26-01 Chapters: 5, Words: 2,815
________________________________________ Chapter 1: Interviewing Severus Snape ________________________________________ Interviewing Severus Snape By Kathleen Potter, Co written By Lily Seams
Announcer: Hello and welcome to the Kathleen Potter Show! Today's interviewee is Professor Severus Snape, Potions teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!
Kathleen walks onto the stage.
Kathleen: Welcome! Please come on in, Mr. Snape!
Snape comes on to the stage.
Kathleen: So, How do you feel about Harry Potter? Snape: Hello. May I tell you that Potter has been crossing lines ever since he first came to Hogwarts. Kathleen: Uh huh. Well, personally, I like Harry. And I think that you are wrong to hate him. Of course, treating him like any other student is a good idea. Very teacher-like. Snape: Thank you. Kathleen: Ah, what do you think of Minerva? Snape: She's ah, very nice, and rather pretty. I'm leaving now. Kathleen: Wait! Don't go! Snape: You said no personal questions. Good-bye!
Snape exits.
Kathleen:*exasperated* Well, we need to go now. See you next time, when we interview Cho Chang! ________________________________________ Chapter 2: Interviewing Cho Chang ________________________________________ Interviewing Cho Chang By Kathleen Potter Disclaimer: I own nothing except Kathleen, and Kathleen is me! A/N: This sorta turned out to be a bit like the Jerry Springer show….I DID NOT MEAN TO DO THAT! Anyway, I believe that Cho Chang is a curse, and that anybody who dates her shall end up dead! Okay, thanx for letting me get my point across!
Announcer: Welcome to the Kathleen Potter Show! Today's interviewee is Miss Cho Chang, Ravenclaw student at Hogwarts and Ravenclaw Seeker! And here's our host, Kathleen Potter!
Kathleen walks onto the stage.
Kathleen: Welcome! *Sweat drops because she sees only ten or so people in the audience* Nobody else came? Gee, that's a shame. Today's show was going to be really hilarious…I think. I was going to give that *says sarcastically* wonderful, pretty, popular, Quidditch playing star *stops being sarcastic* a piece of my mind. Does anyone have any comments to say before I bring out that censored girl?
She sees a couple hands in the air and walks to them. She hands the mike to ayoung man with brilliant green eyes and messy black hair.
Kathleen: What's your name? Young man: My name is Harry. Harry Potter. And Cho is not a censored girl! *A bushy-haired, brown eyed girl sitting next to him gasps, then raises her hand* Kathleen: *handing the mike to the girl* your name? Girl: Granger. Hermione Granger. *Turns to Harry* Harry, this is live television! How could you say that word? Harry: Ummmmmm…. Well, I had to get my point across. The audience snickers while Hermione whispers something in Kathleen's ear. Kathleen: Okay! Today we are going to have three co-hosts! *Walks back down to the stage* Could Misters Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, and Miss Hermione Granger please come down here?
Ron and Harry blush as they come down. Hermione looks calm as she follows them. Kathleen conjures up three chairs for them.
Ron: Hermione. Why are you making us do this? Hermione: *innocently* I just said maybe. She's the one that decided.
Ron and Harry sweat drop as they all sit down in chairs, Hermione next to Kathleen.
Kathleen: Kathleen: Cho, please come on in!
Cho walks onto the stage and sits on Kathleen's other side, looking stunning in body-hugging powder blue robes, her hair tied up in a knot atop her head. She also has makeup on. A little too much, if you asked Kathleen. Hermione made a small noise of disgust.
Kathleen: Cho, what brand of makeup is that? Cho: Maybelline. *In a singsong voice* Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline. Harry: *Whispers to Ron* Personally, I think she's born with it. Hermione: Cho, Did you think that Harry put his name in the Goblet of Fire? Cho: Yes! Harry: Cho, how do you feel about me? Cho: I think you are a little *bleeeeeep* brat! Ron: How dare you call Harry that, you snot nosed b****? Cho: I do dare because my master tells me to dare to call him a little ****ing, b****y brat! Kathleen: Master? *Gasps* you're working for Vol-*stops as a hand is clasped over her mouth*
Harry, Ron, Hermione, and the audience gasp as they see Lucius Malfoy standing there, pulling Kathleen to her feet, a hand still over her mouth.
Harry: Let her go, you ****ing beast! Lucius: *Pointing a wand at Kathy's chest* Call me that one more time, Potter, and your little friend dies.
Kathy pulls out her wand and points it at Lucius.
Kathy: *thinking* Expelliarmus!
Lucius's wand flies out of his hand and Harry catches it.
Harry:*grinning* No wand, no spell. *Conjures up ropes and ties Cho up* Cho: I'll get you for this! Oh, and Granger, you're a little ****ing b****! Hermione:*gasps* How dare you call me that! Harry: How dare you call Herm that, you-you-you damn, ****ing b****!
Kathleen pulls out of Lucius's grip, conjures up ropes, and ties him up. She points her wand at him while Harry points his at Cho.
Kathleen and Harry: Stupefy!
Cho and Lucius stop struggling against their bonds.
Kathleen: Well, that's two down, and about thirty or more to go. Harry, Ron and Hermione: Huh?
Kathleen pulls out a badge and ID. The ID says: Kathleen Potter, First Class Auror. The badge says: First Class Auror.
Kathy: I've been working undercover for about a year now. Harry, Ron, and Hermione: Ohhhhhhhh. Cool!
Kathleen Disapparates, hauling Cho and Lucius with her.
Harry, Ron and Hermione: See you next time, on the Kathleen Potter Show, when Kathy interviews…*looks at cue card*Harry Potter!
Theme music plays and they all exit the stage, grinning happily. ________________________________________ Chapter 3: Interviewing Harry Potter ________________________________________ Interviewing Harry Potter By Kathleen Potter and Jessica Valpraiso Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING EXCEPT KATHLEEN! AND JESSICA VALPRAISO, WHO IS CO-HOSTING! THE REST ALL BELONGS TO THE WONDERFUL AUTHOR, MS. JOANNE KATHLEEN ROWLING. THANK YOU. A/N: Jessica Valpraiso (Don't ask me where the name came from, it just came to my head.), my co-host and co-writer, will be interviewing Draco the next interview, because I want to be able to interview McGonagall at the same time. Just a little preview. Oh, and I sort of went a little crazy on this one, voicing my opinion of that Chang girl. Sorry to all of you Cho-lovers!
Announcer: Welcome to the Kathleen Potter Show! Today's interviewee is Harry Potter, student at Hogwarts, Gryffindor Seeker, and boy who defeated You-Know-Who! And here are our hosts, Kathleen Potter and Jessica Valpraiso!
Kathleen and Jessica walk onto the stage.
Kathy and Jess: Welcome to today's episode of the Kathleen Potter and Jessica Valpraiso Show! The announcer got that wrong *they both give the announcer death glares*, this show is for both of us. Jess: Kathy has something to say…. erm…. her, hee, hee, opinion of Cho Chang. *Sniffles* Cedric shouldn't have died. Then he and Cho could've stayed together and Harry could go with Hermione. Kathy: That interview was oddly satisfying, getting rid of Chang. Personally, and Harry, I hope you're listening, I think Chang is a curse. A curse veering Harry off the path of his destiny with Hermione. They belong together, the fates have told me! I have dreams of them together…Harry proposing…. them getting married…them with a baby girl…. I am a true Seer. Jess: Ok, Kath. Harry, please come out.
Harry walks out, scowling.
Harry: I am not happy. Jess: Why not? Harry: Because this is just what I need! More publicity! Kathy: *in wonderment* I didn't know you needed more publicity. Harry: *angrily* I don't! Jess: She was just trying to make you laugh. Now, how do you feel about being famous? Harry: I don't like it. People gawking at my forehead wherever I go, stupid articles, Ron getting jealous…:: goes on to say a lot of things that are bad about being famous:: Kathy: Ooookaaaaayyyy. How would your parents feel if you were on a talk show? Harry: How the heck should I know? They were killed by that filthy, stinking…:: says a lot more insults:: …evil Voldemort when I was one! Jess: How do you feel about Cho? Harry: I was surprised when I found out that she had turned her life toward Voldemort. Jess: You poor dear. Harry: Oh, well. She was a year older than me anyway. Kathy: *happily* TRUE! Now you can get with Hermione! Harry: *gloomily* Ron likes her. *Perks up* But there's always Lavender or Parvati! Kathy: NO! Hermione! Harry: Or one of the Slytherins. Jess: Definitely not!
Suddenly Voldemort pops up and Kathy, Jess, and the audience gasp. Then Kathy and Jess stand up, their wands out.
Voldemort: What is this place? Jess: A talk show stage. Voldemort: Okay, are you interviewing Potter today? Kathy: Yes. Why? Voldemort: I want to hurt him for calling me that. Kathy: Go to Timbuktu! Voldemort: That country doesn't exist. Kathy: *in wonderment* Oh. Well, then go to Japan and get hit by a typhoon! Voldemort: I will.
He disappears, just to come back a minute later.
Kathy: I thought I told you to go to Japan and get hit by a typhoon! Voldemort: I got lost. Jess: ::rolls her eyes:: I thought Voldemort never could get lost. Voldemort: He can! Harry: *sarcastically* I feel so happy for you! Kathy: ::handing Voldemort a map:: There. Now you can't get lost. Voldemort: But what if there aren't any typhoons? Jess: Kath, there's a hurricane heading for Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, in the United States. Kathy: Then go to South Carolina. ::Hands him another map:: There. NOW GET OUT SO WE CAN FINISH OUR INTERVIEW!
Voldemort leaves.
Harry: Much better. Kathy: Yeah. Jess: Okay…. Harry… Oh, dear, I can't read the next question. ::puts on her blue oval glasses and squints at the cue card while Kathy giggles:: Okay. Harry, what do you fear most of all? Harry: Fear. Kathy: ::giggles:: Odd. Uh oh. I need more hairspray.
Kathy runs off the stage, trying to hold up her hair.
Jess: Right. Poor Kath, she thought that that brand and type would last today's show and her giggles. Well, it sort of did, because we're out of time. So, see you next time on the Kathleen Potter and Jessica Valpraiso show, when Kathy interviews Minerva McGonagall and I interview Draco Malfoy! *Grumbles* Why do I have to interview Malfoy? Oh well. BYE!
A/N: Hee, hee, I sort of ran out of humorous dialogue. Oh well, at least I finally got this done! YAY! ________________________________________ Chapter 4: Interviewing Minerva McGonagall ________________________________________ Interviewing Minerva McGonagall J.K. Rowling owns McGonagall and Hermione. I own me, Kathleen Potter.
AD: Welcome to the—What is it this time? KP: Kathleen Potter and Hermione Granger Show! AD: Right. Well, I just got told off by a young lady who's only nineteen, a rival to my 153. Welcome to the Kathleen Potter and Hermione Granger Show! Today's interviewee is—who is it? KP: You are SO fired!
The announcer dude walks off grumpily.
KP: *comes angrily onto the stage* Right. Well, today's interviewee is Minerva McGonagall. Come on out, Hermione.
Hermione comes out.
HG: So, Professor, won't you come out?
McGonagall comes out.
PMM: Miss Granger, where is your homework?
The audience titters, and McGonagall curses them all.
Audience: AHHHHHH! HG: I-I didn't finish it. PMM: You didn't finish it? You didn't finish it? Detention, young lady! HG: Why?
Draco, Harry, and Jessica come in.
PMM: Honestly Miss Granger, I expected better of you! HG: I'm sorry Professor McGonagall…. *cowers* HP: Leave Hermione alone! She was being a friend and helping me with my homework! That's why she didn't finish hers! PMM: Well then, detention for you both! KP: Good-bye, Minerva. *Kicks McGonagall out*
Well, there's another one down. Draco's is next! ________________________________________ Chapter 5: Interviewing Draco Malfoy ________________________________________ Interviewing Draco Aaron Malfoy Draco Malfoy and all the HP characters belong to J.K. Rowling. I belong to myself, 'I' being Jessica Valpraiso. *Fiddles with her friendship bracelet, the one identical to Allison's* By the way…. Kathleen and Jessica are not identical. Kathy has somewhat curly honey blond hair, violet eyes, and her glasses have circular gold frames with…well, it looks like tortoiseshell earpieces (Me). Jessica has straight light brown hair; blue eyes that turn almost green in the summer, and blue oval glasses. (Ollie, except Ollie doesn't have glasses *Giggles*) On with my insanity!
Announcer Dude: Welcome to the Kathleen Potter and—
Jessica: *comes out and yells at the Announcer Dude* Jessica Valpraiso and Harry Potter Show, today, dude! One more mistake and I'll have you fired! AND I MEAN IT! AD: YOU CAN'T FIRE ME! JV: AND WHY NOT? AD: BECAUSE! *Comes out to reveal that he is Albus Dumbledore* JV: Oh. But— AD: But nothing. Young lady, I can have you AND Kathy fired, and I can have Miss Granger and Mr. Potter expelled. JV: *pales* Okay. But next time, dude, look at the script. AD: I did. That's what it said. JV: SCRIPT GUY! SG: WHAT? JV: What did you do with the script? SG: Nuttin'. JV: Nuttin' my rear end! It was supposed to say 'Welcome to the Jessica Valpraiso and Harry Potter Show! Today's interviewee is Draco Aaron Malfoy, Student at Hogwarts and Slytherin Seeker!' YOU ARE FIRED! SG: Can't fire me. JV: Why not? SG: 'Cause. *Takes off a mask and reveals that he is a she, named Narcissa Malfoy* JV: OUT, BOTH OF YOU! *They leave* Harry, come in.
Harry comes in.
HP: Malfoy, get out here so I can whip your sorry little rear and cart you off to Azkaban!
Draco comes out.
DM: You better not have fired my mum, you witch! JV: I'm a Muggle. HP: No you aren't. JV: I AM A WITCH! *Pulls out a wand and curses the audience* Audience: AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! *All run away* JV: Well, let's go and join Kathy and Hermione interviewing McGonagall. They probably have an audience.
They leave the studio and go next door, where McGonagall is currently telling Hermione off for not finishing her homework.
PMM: -Honestly, Miss Granger, I expected better of you! HG: I'm sorry Professor McGonagall…. *cowers* HP: Leave Hermione alone! She was being a friend and helping me with my homework! That's why she didn't finish hers! PMM: Well then, detention for you both! KP: Good-bye, Minerva. *Kicks McGonagall out* JV: Well, guess we'll just interview Draco! *Makes puppy eyes*
Draco makes a run for it, but Kathy tackles him.
KP: As if you're leaving! DM: But, you have no audience either. *Says this quite pointedly* JV: So? HP: So? KP: *from her spot on the floor* So? HG: So? DM: We can't have an interview without an audience! KP, HP, HG, and JV: Oh. Okay. JP and KV (A/n: Oops. KP and JV): Join us next time on the Kathleen Potter and—who is it next time? *Look at each other and giggle* Oh. Join us next time on the Kathleen Potter and Jessica Valpraiso show, when we interview—oh my. When we interview Tom Riddle, aka Voldemort! *Give each other terrified looks*
Well. There's another one done. I will get the one with Voldie out ASAP. KAYSIES, BYE!
