Been thinking a lot about some stuff today and I just kind of wanted to say like - a formal apology to anyone with any modicum of 'celebrity' that my behavior has creeped out or bothered in the past. I don't feel the need to call y'all out by name here but I know some of you do come to my blog sometimes and you'll know this post is for you.
I've just had this problem my entire life, literally since I was a toddler, wherein I just want absolutely everyone that I like to be my friend! It's always been very hard for me to process that there are genuinely people in this world who just...don't automatically want to be friends with me as much as I do with them, and I can often super-illogically take that as a personal slight, as if the reason you (general you) wouldn't want to be friends with me is because there's something wrong with me or I'm not good enough to be befriended by you. So as such I tend to think, god, maybe if I just work hard enough at being nice and cool and witty and observant and helpful and interesting, maybe someday I'll be good enough to be welcomed into a friendship with this person. And that results in me getting way too eager and annoying and weird and it's definitely something I try to work on all the time. (People are allowed to just not like you, Emily, that is normal, jfc.)
But then combine that on top of the jealousy-tinged admiration I have for people who are doing the exact things that I so want to be doing out of life, except I don't have the resources or anyone to do it with, and I just want to be friends with them THAT MUCH MORE because then not only would I have a friend, but I would have a friend who does the stuff that no one I'm currently friends with will do with me, which is stuff I really, really want to be doing. This is where I worry it can look a) creeptacular or b) like I maybe am not coming from the friendship place sincerely, and that I'm just trying to "befriend" so that I can get in on the ground floor of some shit. I was accused (well, accused is a strong word, but still) of point B by someone a couple months ago and it was genuinely hurtful to me because I would hate for anyone to ever think that that's my attitude toward these kinds of things. You (general you) could have a million twitter followers or all of 2 twitter followers and I would still want to have you as a friend and to do cool things with you, if you were doing stuff that I liked. I just want more friends who come at the world the way I do, so that the things I can't do on my own can still be things that I do, so when I see people doing really cool stuff I'm like, yes! let's do the thing together!
So when both a person and the cool stuff they do resonate with me on that deeper personal level, I just wanna be friends so badly that I know there are probably lines I cross. And I am sincerely, SUPER apologetic for crossing those lines, ever. Especially when I was younger like college-age and didn't know how to handle myself nearly as well, and now I'm turning 26 in a couple of weeks and I'm like, I should maybe really not have done some stuff, but my irrational urge to befriend everyone hasn't quite gone anywhere yet? Especially because like, my life hasn't exactly gone anywhere yet. I'm just a creative, freakishly extroverted person with very few outlets for either of those things due to crappy constraints like geography, money, and skill-set education. :|
I'm sorry, dudes. Literally anyone that I've made uncomfortable in this way, I'm so so sorry. I just still kind of hope we can be friends someday. Let me know if you ever want my help with anything, and I'll do whatever I can.
