❛ his absence was like the sky, spread over everything ❜
𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐮𝐩𝐝𝐚𝐭𝐞 : 𝖎𝖗𝖎𝖓𝖆'𝖘 𝖗𝖊𝖙𝖚𝖗𝖓 𝖙𝖔 𝖘𝖜𝖊𝖉𝖊𝖓
the travel back to russia was long and quite arduous. not to mention, most of the russian retinue made a small stop over to england before returning to their beloved homeland. it was trips like these where she wished that russia was not so far away. the travel felt like forever and at one point she lost hope that she would ever see land again. russia was as cold as always. when they arrived, the ground was blanketed with snow. a far cry from the warm iberian sun she had a taste of back in lisbon. not one step off the ship and she was already bundled in warm clothes. she was happy to be home.
rest was a foreign concept in the rurik household. as soon as she arrived, the queen mother put her in charge of arranging the annual festivities for the holidays as christmas was nearing rapidly. she did not have much of a choice anyway. the holidays were busy of course with the unending celebrations. it dragged on too long, irina thought but her opinions never mattered to their mother anyway. despite how joyous the holidays were, irina felt nothing but melancholy, empty almost.
every year after the holidays, she always made sure that she would return to sweden for magnus’ death anniversary. ‘it was not necessary. a mass would suffice. you do not need to travel to sweden especially not in this weather,’ her mother would argue but to irina, it was more than just that. it seemed only yesterday that magnus was taken away from her, from her children, and everyday she missed him. she saw him in their children. she saw him in the way sveinn laughed, the way astrid would curiously ask about everything around her, and in the way kjell played with masha, fisk, and zoya. three years have gone by and everything still reminded irina of her beloved husband. it was still so painful that letting go seemed impossible. could she possibly ever let him go?
nostalgia swept over her as she arrived back in värmland. the castle, although well lit and hearth keeping them warm, felt nothing cold. the pangs of sadness and loneliness banging on her chest on irina’s chest. her children were happy to be back in their childhood home. they ran around the castle and even played in the courtyard just like they used to. irina could only watch and wish that magnus were here to see them.
visiting his crypt was always the hardest parts of the trip. “My love,” irina sighed. “i am here. i am home. i apologize for taking long,” she smiled as tears rolled down her cheeks. “t—the children. they’re here too. they missed home so much. they— they missed you. they’re growing so fast, älskling. you should be here. you should see them. sveinn, astrid, kjell— oh they take after you so much. you should be here. heavens, i promised not to cry—” but she already was, no longer able ignore the tightness in her chest. her hands traced the top of his tomb as she silently cried, small sobs faintly echoing throughout the crypt. “the fates are cruel. they are. they are. what i would do to still have you with me. in my next life, should such thing be true, i wish to still be with you. God, i beg. i— i miss you so much.” trembling hands covered her mouth as she wept. she thought that it would get easier through time as apparently time healed all wounds but it did not. time does not heal wounds rather it teaches you to live with the pain and everyday irina bears said pain.












