#cristina reviews

[cto10121]

watched anaïs mitchell’s hadestown (2025) at my local cinema!!! or as i like to think of it, local broke musician successfully gives couple counseling to a wealthy aged couple while fumbling his own baddie. it’s time for the good, the bad, and the ugly. spoilers, of course.

but first, a synopsis. this is a musical adaptation of both the orpheus/eurydice myth and the hades/persephone one, set in the 1920s during the great depression, with a typical A-plot, B-plot format à la rodgers and hammerstein. hermes is the narrator and the fates are a trio of flapper (?) singers.

anyhoo, orpheus and eurydice fall in love, but orpheus is broke and is trying to finish the song that will bring back the seasons, which are out of whack due to climate change hades and persephone’s failing marriage. eurydice tries to keep faith in orpheus’ magical songwriting abilities (he made a flower bloom!), but alas, poverty is a bitch, so she accepts hades’ offer to work for his exploitative company town in hades(town). orpheus follows her, sings his ultra magical song, and hades lets them go…on the condition that orpheus doesn’t look behind him to see if eurydice is there. if he does, she has to return to hadestown. in short, he does, and eurydice stays dead, and the story comes full circle. and now for my verdict.

the good:

the actors were on point for the most part. hermes, hades, and the fates particularly had excellent stage presence

“who are you? where do you think you’re going? who are you? why are you all alone? who do you think you are? who are you to think that you can walk a road that no one ever walked before?” yes

“who are you? who do you think you are? who are you? who are you to lead her? who are you to lead them? who are you to think that you can hold your head up higher than your fellow man?”also yes

“wait for me, i’m coming.” i feel this song and its reprise was the true heart of the musical and what orpheus should have sung to hades (because they both have to wait for their lovers to return, so it fits!). even if it’s not the best melody from a musical, it does convey that poignant romantic longing. in any case, it comes closest to achieving the effect the musical wants to achieve, which is mystical but politically-tinged romantic tragedy, but in a more intimate key

“i also play the lyre” “oh, a liar and a player too! / i’ve met a lot of men like you” yes, very good

hades is a bass baritone. god, i miss baritones in musicals. please more baritones in musicals

...i liked the actors for orpheus and eurydice? yes, i did. eurydice more than orpheus, but both were good

i liked the workers during “keep your head low.” that was cool

there was some creativity with the lighting and the sets, especially during orpheus’ journey into hell. came across wonderfully in the cinema

the themes of income inequality and poverty were really surface-level and unsubtle, but they were enough to trigger my existential dread, so thanks for that, musical

the cinematography and editing. there are some really inventive shots i’m glad they chose. love me some well-done proshots!!! watching the full musical was definitely better than listening to the album, so there’s that, i guess

er, that’s it

the bad:

the score. i hate to be a hater, since it is so rare for a musical written completely by a female composer (!!) to be this successful. in fact, i resent being unimpressed with this musical. a female composer should have gone in with a full-ass orchestra firing on all pistons!!!! unfortunately, anaïs mitchell clearly never wrote a musical before and it shows. the 1920s jazz/swing was badly done except for “way down hadestown” and the rest was just indie folk song pablum

as it is, only two songs are in any way acceptable: “way down hadestown” and “wait for me,” both the main and the reprise. maybe “hey little songbird” for hades’ gravelly pique

hermes could not shut. the. fuck. up. for. one. second. his exposition narration was too much, he barely let the characters and the story breathe. there was one point when orpheus was singing “if it’s true” to hades and the workers were inspired by it, and hermes just. kept on interrupting that scene with song narration. pity, because andré de shields is a very charismatic performer

ditto for hades and the fates. absolutely cool characters with talented performers, but they show up way too early and do way too much. hades should have appeared in act 2 and made his grand entrance. allegorical/narrator characters are powerful, but only when you don’t overuse them. death from elisabeth and gringoire from notre dame de paris are great examples as perennial fan favorites, but that’s because they actually show up when they need to and otherwise fuck off the rest of the time (or, conversely, takarazuka death is just straight up the main character)

hades and persephone breaking into dance after orpheus singing epic iii. 🤮 corny shit

“our lady of the underground” nearly made me walk out of the theater. i know the first song of act 2 is almost always a throwaway to give people a chance to return to the seats and/or a bathroom break, but my god, did amber gray ham it up too much

eurydice’s solo songs sucked too, pretty unmemorable. good acting on eva noblezada’s part

the act-singing. the melodies were pretty weak to begin with, but the actors also took way too many liberties in their phrasing, even obscuring some of the songs

there were some pacing issues. i thought hades would never tell orpheus the deal. some songs can and should have been cut

too many internal rhymes and slant rhymes for my taste, but i’m honestly used to it by this point. depressing, i know

the ugly:

that tiny-ass stage, band, and set. the actors did good with what they had, but what they had was precious room to do actually good choreography.

the over-songsposition. london critics criticized notre dame de paris for the same thing, but i swear, over 90% of this musical is just that, exposition, even the solos. i know we can’t ever trust modern audiences to know the story of orpheus/eurydice and hades/persephone, but once the drama was established, this musical should have eased up. instead we get the 100th iteration of “orpheus was a poor boy, eurydice was a hungry girl.” damn

“it’s a sad song—” honey, for it to be sad and/or tragic, you need to make us feel for the characters’ love, make us believe in them. as it was, orpheus and eurydice had no chemistry. these two actors were good-looking people, and apparently married in real life (cool), but unfortunately they could not overcome the underwritten romance. their duets did not help, they were just generic indie pop tripe

so the whole lynchpin of the musical is orpheus’ epic i/ii/iii song, the one that would fix climate change bring back spring. unfortunately, it is arguably the worst song of the musical. it is pure indie folk song boy slop, melody-less to the point of parody. (in fact, i have literally seen people parody it on instagram). the lyrics are basically just exposition of the hades and perseophone myth. 💀

making orpheus the ingenue, both dramatically and musically (also, his part was way too high, the poor actor was singing falsetto for most of the musical. bring back low notes for tenors!!!!). i understand that in the original drafts, orpheus was too arrogant, but it was definitely overcorrected. as it is, i felt he and eurydice have nothing in common. (which is crazy because they are both poor!!!! what do you mean, orpheus isn’t feeling the hunger pangs too and only eurydice is tempted to go to hadestown? isn’t he working as a waiter? by all accounts, he should be able to keep both of them fed). they did have an arc in which orpheus becomes more grounded and eurydice learns that money can’t fix everything, but it came too late

hades/persephone didn’t work for me either. it didn’t help matters that the musical didn’t know whether or not it was a true love match. otoh the story is unchanged from mythology, so hades did kidnap persephone against her will, and persephone herself is an unhappy wine aunt, but also...they reconcile and dance and they do try again???? so persephone really did requite hades’ affections at some point???? pick a lane, musical

speaking of notre dame de paris, i really got a lot more of those vibes. there is persephone’s spring costume/esmeralda’s green dress of course, but also the swinging lanterns during “wait for me” were like the bells in “les cloches,” the grungy look for the working class people, and of course persephone/esmeralda parallels, hades/frollo parallels, hermes/gringoire parallels, both being sung-through, etc. which is weird because the stories and the characters are not at all alike. in any case, it unfortunately made hadestown worse for me, because i kept thinking about how notre dame de paris did all of this but much better. unfair, i know

so in sum, hadestown wants…a lot. it wants to be a sung-through popera with a folk americana indie score. it wants to be the 1920s and 2020s but it also wants era-blending kitchen-sink everyplace anachronism. it wants to be a political musical about climate change and extreme income inequality while also wanting to tell a universal story about love and death. in the end, it ends up doing none of this very well.

[cto10121]

A Daughter of Fair Verona (2024) - Review

So while I was renting Teach the Torches to Burn from Libby, I found yet another piece R&J published fanfiction, Christina Dodd’s A Daughter of Fair Verona. Set in an AU where Romeo and Juliet live and have kids, it follows R&J’s 20-year-old daughter, Rosaline, as she stumbles upon the body of her dead fiancé and becomes a suspect in his murder. Meanwhile, she falls in love at first sight with Lysander Marchetti, all while having some UST with Prince Escalus Jr.

Needless to say, I have des Notes (tm), and luckily for me (but unluckily for you), I figured out how to export my notes and highlights from Kindle. Hey nonny no, and here we go!

My name is Rosie, Rosaline if I’m in trouble, and I’m the daughter of Romeo and Juliet. Yes, that Romeo and Juliet.

I don’t care what type of R&J Lives AU this is. There is no way, in any universe, that Romeo “The other did not so” Montague would ever name his daughter after Rosaline. This is, in short, bullshit. Fortunately for Dodd, I have a strong stomach and years of experience in R&J clownery, so let’s just move on.

Mom grabbed Dad’s knife out of the sheath and stabbed herself. There was a lot of blood, and she fainted, but essentially she stabbed that gold pendant necklace her family buried her with, the knife skidded sideways, and she slashed her own chest. She still has the scar, which, when I’m rolling my eyes, she insists on showing me. What with all that blood, she fainted. When she came to, still very much alive, she crawled back up on the tomb, sobbed again all over Dad’s body, and got wound up for a second self-stabbing. It was at this point Dad sat up, leaned over, and vomited all over the floor. It’s a well-known fact you can never trust an unfamiliar apothecary to deliver a reliable dose of poison.

R&J: *go through a horrifically traumatic near-death experience*

Their daughter, apparently: 🙄

Actually, I’m not young. My parents have been trying to marry me off to some nobleman or another since I was thirteen years old. As a proper daughter must do, I curtsy and thank them, then I go to work finding these gentlemen wives who they immediately fall in love with and adore forever.

So after almost being forced to marry someone she didn’t love, this Juliet along with Romeo has no problem forcing their daughter, beginning at 13 years old, to marry. *swigs wine* Okay.

“This is your fault, Romeo.” Mom seldom spoke sharply to him, except on this subject. “You insisted on naming her Rosaline after your first love. Rosaline, who swore to be chaste, and now we have a chaste daughter. Foreshadowing! What were you thinking?” [...] He picked up his cue. “Rosaline the elder was not my true love, merely a foolish young man’s distraction. I have had only one true love, my Juliet.”

Then why the fuck did you name your eldest daughter after her? Jesus H. Christ, this book is dumb as rocks.

Papà thinks I’m beautiful because I resemble my mother, and that’s the problem with my parents. I convince myself that they’re the biggest frauds in the lore of romance, then Papà spouts a love sonnet to Juliet’s beauty, and Mamma smiles at him as shyly as a maiden, and the love glows between them like a fire to warm my heart. Damn it. It would be so much easier for me to be a sour old maid if they were frauds. As it is, I cherish a secret hope that I, too ... But no, they’re the only couple I have ever seen blessed with a wild, true, unwavering and eternal love. For the rest of the world, it’s a chimera.

At the very least this book has (1) braincell regarding R&J’s love. And it does make sense that it would give Rosaline high expectations. So why this R&J would be perfectly happy to wed Rosaline to another without her being in love with her suitor is even more nonsensical.

Papà looked wretched. Then, because he’s a guy, and unhappy, crying women make him uncomfortable, he lifted his leg and farted.

...Okay, fuck it, this is Romeo Hate Dumb. I don’t care if the portrayal is overall positive, this counts.

Me, Rosaline Montague, who prided myself on my good sense, loved a man who I had never formally met for the beauty of his countenance and because he saw into the depths of me, a woman of flesh and blood and spirit, and so seeing, didn’t take to his heels. It was a miracle…and I never felt so foolish in my life.

So now after sneering at love at first sight, Rosie falls in love at first sight like her parents. Does this transformative experience change her attitude toward love and her parents’ relationship? [Edit: No, it doesn’t].

I flatter myself it was not me society so enjoyed seeing flayed like a sardine on a platter, but rather my betrothed, Duke Stephano. He treated his own kin with appalling indifference, allowing his aging parents no more than a retirement in a cold country home at the foothills of the Alps. Orlando, his younger brother and heir, lived in exile, afraid for his life. His servants despised him. Three dead wives equaled three families who loathed him. If I were a gambling woman, I’d bet his horses and dogs wished him dead. Certainly every guest and servant here rejoiced to see him dishonored.

So part of the reason why Dodd named her heroine Rosaline may be a clumsy allusion to As You Like It. Considering Shakespeare did write other Italian plays, including Two Gentleman of Verona and Petruchio of Verona, Dodd really didn’t need to dig into As You Like It, whose setting is French, anyway. If authors love As You Like It so much, why not write direct adaptations of it?

“Shhh.” I put my finger to my lips. I leaned toward him as he leaned toward me. “Speak no more, but grant me my first kiss as a memory to cherish and a warm seal of red wax on our hope for the future.” He stopped moving forward. “You’re bad at this.” “This?” As if I didn’t know. “Romantic, lyrical paeons.” I sighed. “I haven’t the knack for spouting amorous non-sense.” “That seems as if it would be a crime in your family.”

“Amorous nonsense” and it’s a reference to fucking Shakespearean verse, some of the best-quality verse in the English language. Also, R&J speak in this romantic register only to each other. To everyone else, they are eloquent, their verse of good quality, but not amorous and certainly not nonsense. This meta commentary is misplaced here.

My father and I did not exchange glances. When my mother chose, she could be fierce in her defense of her children and should she discover that years ago, her dearest Romeo had purchased two miniature swords for his daughters and taught them and a few of their closest friends the use of them, she would be most displeased. That they were blunt would make no difference to her, and indeed when used by inexperienced hands, the edge and the point could leave a bruise. As I had discovered, both offensively and defensively.

Romeo being portrayed as a Woke Feminist Father should warm the cockles of my cold, dead heart...but alas, it doesn’t. If just because I feel Romeo would let his precious daughter anywhere near a sword. I just get Girl Dad vibes from him. At best he’d allow Rosie to learn Latin and Greek, like the other Woke Feminist noblemen of the time.

“She’ll feel better in a few months,” I assured him. “But honestly, my Lord Father, do you have no control? She’s already borne seven children!” Romeo threw his hands into the air. “What do you want me to do? She takes seriously what I poke at her in fun.”

While large families was the norm during this time, infant mortality was high as well (in fact, it was the reason for the large families). Also, Romeo and Juliet canonically have bad luck, and even in this AU I don’t trust Fate to gift them with seven healthy children. Rosie was a product of R&J’s wedding night, which means Juliet gave birth to her first child at 14, and homegirl did this six more times!!! 🤮 Granted, it’s not as if R&J would wait to consummate their union, so unfortunately that would be the case.

I laughed. Possibly not the best response when dealing with royalty. “No, Prince Escalus, I promise there’s nothing fragile about my nurse. All of Verona knows and fears her. She carries her eating knife, and she never has to use it to protect herself or others. She’s like the spring melt on the river; if met unwarily, her slap will knock you off your feet.” I lowered my gaze so as to not seem as impertinent as I belatedly realized I sounded.

It’s not certain whether this is the same Nurse as Juliet’s, but the narrative certainly leaves me to believe it, since this Nurse remembers Juliet’s romance. If so, shame and dishonor for this blatant mischaracterization.

“Could you wait a day while I consider what this means?” With one finger, I touched the fresh wound of the walnut branch. “My father, as you know, is wont to draw his sword first and think after. In this case, let me think on all the things that have happened since the betrothal, and see if I can deduce—” Too late. Romeo, my lord father, stormed down the path toward us, fury riding him like a snorting stallion. When he saw me, he shouted, “Do you know what they’re saying?” He groped for his sword, a sword that Mamma always insisted he leave at the door. “I’ll kill them all, one by one! Or take them as a group. No one can say those things about my daughter!” I curtsied, as always, and in my stallion-soothing voice, I said, “Greetings, Papà. You’re known as the greatest swordsman in Verona. Everyone would run before you rather than fight.” I wasn’t strictly lying. There were younger swordsmen, probably better, but my father was known for his sly skill and his love of battle. That dedication made him, even at the age of thirty-six, a power on the field.

Romeo’s fighting skills are vastly underrated by both fans and antis alike, to be sure, but “draw his sword first and think after,” “sly skill,” and “love of battle” are phrases that should never, I mean never, be used to describe him. This is definitely an OC wearing the canon character’s flesh as a suit by this point.

Prince Escalus stepped out of the shadows. “You’ve said ‘Anon, good Nurse’ to her before?” he asked in a neutral voice. “Not I. If I remember the story rightly”—I spoke with a humor most would not comprehend—“‘Anon, good Nurse’ was my mother’s line when she was fooling around with Papà.” It took the prince a moment to think it through, then he gave what might in another man pass as a chuckle. “Lord Romeo and Lady Juliet are rightly famous for their true and impetuous love.”

Ah, yes, because that is a phrase that most people would recall perfectly when talking about their romance: “Just a minute, I’m coming.”

So in this AU, R&J is famous in Verona even though it is clear in the play that 1) Verona society is violent and loveless and 2) the Montagues and Capulets absolutely hate the very idea of them together. There is no way the Veronians would venerate such a couple that flouted their rules and nearly committed a grave mortal sin (suicide).

Also, this R&J still had to endure not one but two horrible botched suicides. This would be 100% traumatizing for them. If anything, they’d probably be extremely reluctant to talk about their romance to their kids, to the point where Rosie and her siblings should be ignorant of the grisly details.

Titania turned on me as if I’d slandered my family. “Lady Juliet’s parents were forcing her into marriage!” “She could have sat down like a rational person and explained to them she was already married.” “They would have had Lord Romeo killed!” “Maybe. They might have tried.” Knowing them, I was doubtful. “My dad’s not easy to kill, and my grandpa loves to settle arguments over a meal and a glass of good wine. The Montagues make very fine wine.” Titania drew a breath to object, but I didn’t give her time. “Mostly, even if they are the most melodramatic family in Verona—and late events have undermined my belief in that—after some lamenting and reproaching, they would have come around. They love Mamma, you see, and they want her to be happy.”

The Montagues and Capulets would have wanted R&J to be happy.

The Montagues and Capulets would have wanted R&J to be happy.

The Montagues and Capulets would have wanted R&J to be happy—

THE MONTAGUES AND CAPULETS WOULD HAVE WANTED R&J TO BE HAPPY—

What the fuck? How could anyone read or see this play and come to this conclusion? What part of “Lord Capulet threatened to disown Juliet if she didn’t marry Paris and almost hit her and Lady Capulet offered to poison Romeo” says that he would have been fine with Romeo and Juliet? What part of “The Montagues had to ask Benvolio to ask their own son how he was and then fucked off for the rest of the play” says they would have supported their own son instead of leaving him to his own devices? This book is the embodiment of no thoughts, head empty.

Dear God in heaven. The irony of it. Duke Stephano had been hated for murdering his three wives—and he was innocent. He had seduced a child and created a demon, a demon that had haunted him the rest of his life, killing his wives, providing unending misery to him, and destroying any chance he had for redemption. Finally, in blasphemous outrage, that demon had murdered him.

So Duke Stephano, who by all accounts was still an asshole, is exonerated by the narrative while Rosie’s friend Titania, who supposedly died by this creep’s hand, is the secret villain who wants to kill everybody. I didn’t expect such sexist writing in my R&J published fanfic.

The lip press, the tongue probe. The taste of him in my mouth, the scent of his breath. This kiss was interesting and I liked it, but the heavens still slipped slowly across the stars, time continued as it had before...and may I say how relieved I was to kiss my love and still be Rosie, plain practical Rosie. I wasn’t like my parents. Love had not blindsided me, recreated me, made me a stranger to myself.

Sounds great, Rosie. Would you like a cookie? A trophy? An award? Why are you so proud of a character trait that you didn’t choose to have anyway?

Also, why are you so ashamed of being a virgin when in your time that would have been celebrated? Why don’t you see the contradiction of being proud of not acting rashly in matters of love and being ashamed of being a virgin? Make it make sense.

Prince Escalus, the weasel, knelt before my father and with hands outstretched in supplication, said, “Lord Romeo, your daughter Rosaline is the fairest maiden in Verona. Her virtue remains intact, and what appears to be a scandal is none of her making. The chance to hold her in my arms was too much temptation for your prince—” Yeah, make sure you point out you’re the prince. That’ll make it all better. “—and her compliance is the result of trickeries on my part. Therefore I beg you grant me the hand of Fair Rosaline of the Montagues, to take to wed so that we may live happily as man and wife for all our days.” “Um, sure.” Papà appeared to be winded by all these events.

For context, Prince Escalus Jr. overheard the plan for Lysander to compromise Rosie so that they could marry. Disguising himself as Lysander, he compromised Rosie instead without her knowledge or permission.

Naturally, as a strong, practical, no-nonsense woman, Rosie verbally bitch-slaps him for his assault-by-stealth and protested vehemently against him—lol just kidding, she does jack shit. Hell, she barely even reacts! And she is supposed to be in love with Lysander, but somehow it’s all 🤷‍♀️ when Escalus Jr. cops a feel? What drugs was Dodd on when she wrote this?

Also: “Um, sure.” I’m sorry, Shakespeare Romeo, how you are slandered.

Prince Escalus lowered his gaze, and when he lifted it, the glint in his dark eyes might have been described as implacable. “Quite the contrary. Duke Stephano dared to try and take what was mine, to harm what was mine, believing my intent to maintain Verona’s peace made me a coward. I’d have taught him his mistake. He’d have begged for exile.” I wanted to take issue with Prince Escalus’s claiming of me as his, but among all the issues here, that was the lesser. Moreover, I’d realized I was wrong about the glint in his eyes. That wasn’t implacability. That was danger.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 So much for that ship or the love triangle for that matter. Prince Escalus Jr. is looking more and more like a creep.

Anyway, I also took a moment to read Dodd’s author’s note and found this horrifying tidbit:

As I wrote, I researched Romeo and Juliet, and the natural first question I googled was, When did Romeo and Juliet take place? To my astonishment, Google announced it took place somewhere in the 14th or 15th century. Two hundred years! In other words, late medieval or early Renaissance Verona.

The fact that Dodd was shocked at R&J’s medieval setting tells me all I need to know about her knowledge about the play and her overall intelligence. There are illiterate high schoolers who know at least that.

Conclusion & Takeaways

Oddly enough, this novel didn’t piss me off as much as it should, considering it is the laziest execution of an “R&J live and have kids” AU I’ve ever seen (granted, not that those are plenty). And as someone who did conceive of such an AU in my salad days, I expected something a little more substantial than this.

Nothing about this novel made an iota of sense, from Rosaline’s name to her friendship with Titania, to her two-dimensional siblings, to that sorry excuse of a love triangle with Rosie, Prince Escalus Jr., and Lysander, to a murder mystery so poorly done not even the novel can pretend to give two shits about it. R&J could have been literally any generic parents and it would have made better sense. The meta humor also falls flat, if just because Dodd clearly does not understand the play enough to joke well about it.

As for Rosie, she had no arc. She “falls in love at first sight” like her parents, but it changes nothing about her. Even Lysander doesn’t appear much in this story at all, so this whole love affair is fairly pointless. There is a clear attempt to set up Prince Escalus Jr. as the real love interest, but it fails miserably thanks to the moral dubious shit he does at the end.

There are other books in this series, but I honestly don’t think the continuing clownery is worth covering unless it gets really interesting. At least this book doesn’t fall into the trap of hating on either Romeo or Juliet or both for no good reason, but its tone of snarky satire and indulgent condescension is in some ways worse.

[cto10121]

finally saw hamnet (2024), based on the book by maggie o’farrell, and i have thoughts(tm). spoilers, of course. take it away, hugo montenegro

the good:

the performances, especially anne’s actress.

paul mescal’s delivery of hamlet’s “get thee to a nunnery” speech

the fact that if this didn’t involve the shakespeare family, this film would have made a very good artistic depiction of a free-spirited 16th century family who suffered a huge loss

the direction and cinematography???? sure, yeah

anne’s grief for the loss of her son. nicely performed, if not particularly insightful

judith singing "bonny sweet robin" to a cat. no notes, 10/10

the bad:

the fact that i am really too much of a shakespeare nerd to get behind some of these narrative decisions. let me count the ways:

anne being a ~free spirit when in real life, she was a moneylender and was hoarding 800 bushels of malt in new place to brew ale. yeah

shakespeare being so damn ineloquent. grunting, mumbling, the works. an introvert, yes, almost certainly (and yes, there are plenty of actors who are introverts! actually, they benefit greatly from the theater). but the greatest writer of the english language, living in the wordiest period of english history, trained in rhetoric, being constantly at a loss for words????? it’s less likely than you think

also, paul mescal is too old to play 18-year-old shakespeare. we should have gotten a twink, not this man

hamnet is a cute boy who has a great bond with his twin sister judith. aww. that’s it, no other personality for him, nope, none

shakespeare taking a newborn susanna while anne’s brother bartholomew helps anne post-partum. it’s a nice moment between father and daughter, for sure, but to me, shakespeare’s priority should have been anne. why is bartholomew even there? you have a wife, dude, go to HER

the overall fact that anne had better chemistry with her own brother than with shakespeare. dude. no

the ugly:

shakespeare’s father john being a two-dimensional patriarchal asshole. i don’t know, you guys, but that’s just boring to me. like, sure, i don’t doubt he would not have liked shakespeare liking poetry and becoming a player. but dude. he had all his children get educated at king’s new school. he and mary obviously took advantage of every opportunity available to them. they were social climbers, highly ambitious, and it’s clear shakespeare was of that same mettle. most likely, he and mary would have been fine with him being a latin tutor

ditto for shakespeare’s mother mary playing the conventional 16th century wife to anne’s manic pixie dream girl shtick. but at least mary did have sympathetic moments

anne thinking hamlet is completely about hers and shakespeare’s dead son. the wife of a player and playwright, not know how plays work?????? it’s less likely than you think

the stage actor playing hamlet 1) not richard burbage, who would 100% played him, 2) being an actual teenager, and 3) wearing blue instead of hamlet’s iconic black

the lack of period dialogue. it was just cleaned up modern language in RP-ish british accent. cowards, ten points from gryffindor

[cto10121]

finally saw wicked: for good. is it better than the stage show’s act 2? in some ways, yes. but in other ways it really was *insert dead dove: do not eat meme* for me. anyway, time for the good, the bad, and the ugly. spoilers, of course

the good:

they added Elphaba actually freeing some Animals in a prologue. that was great, actually showing what elphaba’s activism

cynthia erivo killed it with her vocals, especially “no good deed.” i don’t think i like it better than willemijn verkaik’s, but it was impressive. i think she probably did a better job here than in the first movie

i thought i would hate the addition of glinda in “wonderful,” and true, musically speaking it does kill the vibe. but i do appreciate that elphaba is way less gullible and has some reason for her trusting the wizard again. i always hated the way they dumbed down elphaba in this scene for the musical

glinda’s barbie swan lake dress was very pretty

i hated the catfight in the stage show. unexpectedly loved it here, though! it was genuinely hilarious. the twin mexican telenovela slaps, ariana!glinda imitating the iconic cackle (my dead theater actually came alive at that).

boq’s singing in “march of the witch hunters”

the design of boq!tin man in general was impressive

elphaba’s costume is impressive and badass. i liked it

the bad:

some of the direction in “as long as you’re mine” was questionable. why was elphaba singing away from fiyero? why not give the lovers some dialogue? at least they had the two floating, very visually striking

glinda and elphaba each get a solo, and they’re both lame. glinda’s was probably the worst, because at least elphaba’s song was her justifying to the Animals why it is important to stay in oz, that age-old conflict of fleeing fascism or staying and fighting it

the cowardly lion’s reasoning for hating elphaba is the dumbest reason ever. elphaba saved him from the cage, and that made him cowardly????dumb in 2003 and even dumber in the film

poor jonathan bailey as fiyero had so little to do in this film. he should have gotten a solo about secretly loving elphaba, not glinda’s pity-me song!!!! or better yet, a long distance duet. what a waste of a genuine talent

the reveal that elphaba is alive was not as impactful here as in the stage show. revealed a little too casually

the scene where elphaba meets with glinda at her balcony at night was completely pointless. just have elphaba confront the wizard and have glinda join in later

elphaba and glinda saying “i love you” to each other. nope

the transition to “as long as you’re mine” was completely different, i.e. worse

glinda screaming the “FIYEROOOOOOO” yell and not elphaba. dude what

the ugly:

the wizard’s and madame morrible’s vocals. the movie is lucky those parts are mostly spoken. just dub them, ffs

the way the movie insists on giving sympathy for the wizard, especially his “elphaba’s really my daughter and i just ordered her murder, oh, no 😭” yeah, no fuck you

nessarose looking for boq during a tornado and a house dropping on her head. talk about nessarose getting done dirty by having her entire character revolve around a man

you’ve heard of “the glinda show” on this blog, now get ready for “the glinda movie.” yes, it’s worse and even more shameless than even the stage show. glinda gets a solo, she gets a full narrative arc, at the end she succeeds in locking up madame morrible, forcing the wizard to abdicate, bringing back the Animals, the grimmerie opens to her…it’s never-ending.

dorothy and co. were done dirty. they were almost portrayed as rabid witch hunters. the tin man in maguire’s book was nick chopper and the scarecrow was just a scarecrow, his origins a complete mystery. dorothy was just a scared but charming talkative little girl who literally asked for none of this. they agreed to “bring back the broom” of the wicked witch, not kill her, and they had no clue elphaba was really wicked, just assuming the propaganda was true. boq as the tin man and fiyero as the scarecrow makes absolutely 0 sense, both musical and movie. this was really the problem of the musical that the movie should have changed

for that matter, stop with the terribly done wizard of oz tie-ins!!! the novel did it perfectly without it being at all corny or forced. maguire!dorothy especially is a comic DELIGHT. the musical decided to overcomplicate matters by having boq be the tin man and fiyero be the scarecrow. nope!!!! just have them believe the wizard’s propaganda and done!!!! the movie just lazily copies this as gospel canon. man oh man

the heart of the movie and the musical is elphaba’s and glinda’s friendship, and honestly…i just dngaf. because the musical is too much in love with glinda and too anxious about making elphaba lovable without really understanding her to really make their friendship interesting or truly complicated.

elphaba’s tragic arc is also almost completely removed. this is an issue of the musical, of course, but it’s glaring here. they didn’t understand elphaba’s motivations, they didn’t understand elphaba and fiyero’s relationship, and they certainly didn’t understand why elphaba couldn’t and wouldn’t be with glinda, miss status quo above all. in the end, elphaba functioned as a tool for glinda’s own enlightenment arc.

[cto10121]

finally finished a reread of these violent delights by chloe gong, an r&j au retelling in 1920s shanghai, r&j, bencutio. while I did take ample notes this time, I can’t stand another wrist cramp, so my good/bad/ugly review style will have to do. spoilers, of course

so a quick summary: juliette cai and roma montagov are heirs to gangs in shanghai, the scarlets (chinese) and the white flowers (russians). They were once childhood lovers, but when roma betrays her by calling a massacre on scarlet servants, including juliette’s old nurse, juliette is sent away to new york. she has now returned with a heart full of hate towards roma, now her true enemy, but of course things are not what they seem. now there is a monster loose in the streets and a mysterious plague spreading that makes the infected try to tear out their throats. and so r&j investigate and reluctantly team up, settling for a truce. cue mystery sleuthing with UST and whatnot. their friends/cousins rosalind and kathleen/celia (rosaline and celia) and marshall and benedikt (mercutio and benvolio) also do some sleuthing of their own. got it? all right, let’s go

the good:

no r&j hate dumb!!! gong actually has more of a clue about shakespeare!r&j’s personalities and dynamic than most authors, which shows somewhat in her characterizations of her modern analogues. roma and juliette are characterized as perfectly competent characters and reasonably smart (except when they are artificially handed the idiot ball by gong—I’ll get to that). most importantly, their love is taken seriously. most retellings are frankly hostile to r&j themselves, or privilege/favor one over the other. while gong clearly positions juliette as the protagonist, her retelling affords both pairings basic respect, and honestly, i’m just relieved.

speaking of which, no romeo hate dumb!!! i’m crying in relief. actually, roma is hands-down the best of the two, no joke

some passages are nicely written and impressive for a college-aged writer. the structure, plot, and overall characterization sucks, but that is to be expected. this could have been worse for a YA debut

the multilanguage vibes were nice, though i must bemoan these modern authors’ refusal to give translations and just rely on context clues. you are writing to an english-speaking audience, not all of whom knows chinese or russian. do not assume shit and please be considerate to these readers

the rosalind and celia/kathleen naming is actually a clever way of combining both r&j!rosaline with as you like it!rosalind. an easy set up for future sequels too. so very canny of you, gong

er, that’s it

the bad:

marshall and benedikt were shadows of their canon selves and really had nothing to do in this story. gong’s half-hearted attempt to pair them up really did not convince. i’m actually stunned that reviewers say they had more chemistry than roma and juliette. that brief scene with marshall and kathleen at a communist rally had more chemistry than any of the supposed benmars scenes. ymmv obviously

the mystery was both very painfully obvious and not very well set up. in short, the paris analogue, paul, was behind all of this. really, now. the connection between the monster and the plague was so obvious i was surprised the characters treated it like a big revelation.

as much as i liked roma, i still have to lament the fact that gong just…sanded off all of the edges YA-style and made him too gosh darn perfect. roma is a hardened gangster heir just as much as juliette and yet when dangerous circumstances demand that he fight, he barely even uses his gun. it’s always juliette who is quick to draw and use the gun. also, his characterization as a lowkey pacifist is a distortion of shakespeare!romeo’s attitude towards the feud. also, also, it just makes juliette all the worse when you have a down-to-earth roma who only fights when he has to. roma and juliette believing that they could change the feud as children is also a distortion of their shakespearean counterparts’ attitudes.

speaking of edges sanded off, marshall!mercutio also not being very trigger-happy even compared to benedikt. benvolio is literally the closest the play gets to an actual pacifist, but benedikt is much more reckless than marshall or even roma. le sigh.

the book’s anti-colonialist politics disappearing when it comes to the russian white flowers, even though the russians also participated in the colonialism(tm). roma and his family may have been long-time immigrants, but still. would have been a nice dynamic with juliette throwing that in roma’s face and roma throwing the fact that he is an immigrant in a majority-chinese society to juliette’s face and then the two deciding all of it was ridiculous and twitter politics anyway. would have been a nice point.

this is just a personal taste of mine, but the shanghai setting just didn’t work for me. too violent, no real 1920s flair or enlivening detail, and no real sensuality. the mantua brothel was as erotic as a damp noodle. compare that to shakespeare’s verona and the french musical’s vérone. hell, even hungarian retj had a more compelling setting

also a quibble, but i did not like roma and juliette’s first meeting as 15-year-olds at the bund, how it was written, anyway. it was very juvenile (they played a ball game???). meanwhile shakespeare!r&j were kinkily engaging at a pilgrims-saints flirtation. ugh

the writing. a lot of telling and exposition that bogged down the pace. instead of baking juliette’s and roma’s histories within their interactions, gong preferred to info-dump. understandable, as this was her debut, but…well.

the ugly:

juliette cai is a complete asshole. cruel, vindictive, violent, hateful, and even a dick towards her own staff. when i first read TVD, i kind of dismissed her as yet another tryhard strong female character(tm) in YA, but reading it again she really goes above and beyond that. every time she saw roma she had to say something about killing him. the fact that gong had the temerity of passing this almost misandrist hostility off as sexual tension was disgusting. had she been a male character, readers would definitely pearl-clutch and call her attitude towards roma abusive or at least 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. i found myself really hating her and wishing roma had just given her up for good. which leads me to:

the romance. pretty much nonexistent, so yeah, this is an r&j retelling in name only. i would even describe it as a west side story retelling, but as wss doesn’t have the same marketing pull, r&j it is. when i first read it, i did think roma and juliette at the very least had some UST, but on second reading…nah, son. juliette is outrageously hostile and even violent toward roma for more than half the book and roma just takes it out of guilt. all of their interactions boiled down to “you killed my people” “i know pls forgive me i still love you 🥺”. the last straw was when roma finally confessed, through tears, why he betrayed juliette (in short, his asshole father found out and he gave him an ultimatum—kill her or the others) and juliette just…decided to mask her emotions and move on???? so toxic. and then of course when roma explicitly confesses his love at the end, juliette is all *surprised pikachu face* about it. just awful.

the magic realist monster/plague. awful decision. yeah, sure, keep the plague, it was an underrated plot point in the play, but to make it this whole monster ~mystery…nah, son. the plot should have been about the two gangs/shanghai politics and then the plague introduced later. an editor should have sat gong down for a long stern talk.

there was a last minute plot twist revealing that juliette, in a spoiled-brat pique, told her scarlet cousins the location of a white flowers safe house, where roma’s mother was taken to. hence her culpability when the scarlets kill lady montagova. would have been much better had roma known this from the start and so would have had an equal chance to ~hate juliette just as much as she ~hates him. also, it just makes juliette so much worse and she was already terrible. at least roma had betrayed her out of love for her.

in sum, this premise could have been great. the idea of a true enemies-to-lovers r&j retelling is fascinating and would have been interesting to explore. how would r&j react if they knew the other was their enemy from the start? what if they both had good reason to hate each other personally? and then despite it all, they remain deeply attracted to each other? plus the fact that they are two sides of the same coin? that would have been worth reading. there would have been some problems, of course, notably the fact that shakespeare!r&j are so gosh darn attracted to each other they’d just say screw it and jump on each other’s bones ahead of time, but a canny author could do something with it.

alas, no. instead, juliette is the macho meathead with the “badassery” (just assery) and rage(tm) and roma is the second-credit auxiliary. their one steamy scene at the brothel just wasn’t enough. you need to actually write the secret longing, gong. subtext is still text. as in, you have to point at something in the story that indicates these characters are in love even if they don’t want to admit it even to themselves. as it is, there is no real rationale for why roma and juliette are drawn to each other in the first place. there are some vague attempts on gong’s part to do a shakespeare and write the soulmate vibes, but it’s strictly at a telling-not-showing level. in the end, roma and juliette are way too different from each other, with their similarities only skin deep, which is so far from shakespeare’s couple i could cry

so in effect, this is second chance romance disguised as enemies-to-lovers. this can still work, but you have to know what you’re writing in the first place. as it is, this book is mostly just about 1920s shanghai and gong is just not the writer to make the politics compelling or even understandable. it’s just too vague.

[cto10121]

Twilight Meta Review—Chapter 3-4

In which Edward saves Bella from the van and reveals himself some more, Bella demands an explanation and Edward refuses it. They don’t speak for a month until Edward gets the jellies from Mike Newton, of all people, and decides f*ck it, Imma just fuck around and find out. Instalove, clearly. Spoilers, of course.

Chapter 3: Love At First Fight

I threw down a quick bowl of cereal and some orange juice from the carton. I felt excited to go to school, and that scared me. I knew it wasn’t the stimulating learning environment I was anticipating, or seeing my new set of friends. If I was being honest with myself, I knew I was eager to get to school because I would see Edward Cullen. And that was very, very stupid. (p. 54)

Bella is so self-aware it’s not even funny. It’s actually kind of great. Remind me again why she is somehow an awful character? In any case, she does feel embarrassed at her obvious infatuation.

I was well aware that my league and his league were spheres that did not touch.

The class-boundaries theme begins its smooth cha-cha slide into consciousness, I see. Lion and the lamb, May-December romance. And of course, Bella is obviously working class white to Edward’s posh white. Classic.

I was sure I looked the same as I had in Phoenix. Maybe it was just that the boys back home had watched me pass slowly through all the awkward phases of adolescence and still thought of me that way. Perhaps it was because I was a novelty here, where novelties were few and far between. Possibly my crippling clumsiness was seen as endearing rather than pathetic, casting me as the damsel in distress. (p. 55)

I’m going for novelty. Small town life is very much Like That. Bella is obviously conventionally attractive and sweet and that’s enough for most guys. In any case, I like how Bella is just so unimpressed and even annoyed at all the attention. She doesn’t fawn over just any guy who pays her attention, which is of course the point. Even Mike annoys her the moment he shows any romantic interest in her. All throughout the book she tries to set him up with Jessica instead.

There were thin chains crisscrossed in diamond shapes around them. Charlie had gotten up who knows how early to put snow chains on my truck. My throat felt suddenly tight. I wasn’t used to being taken care of, and Charlie’s unspoken concern caught me by surprise. (p. 55)

I wish they had kept this in the movie instead of the staring contest between Edward and Bella, if only because Charlie is just…truly lovely. And once again, there is Bella’s neglect by her mother.

Just before I heard the shattering crunch of the van folding around the truck bed, something hit me, hard, but not from the direction I was expecting. (p. 56)

This whole van sequence is written a little confusingly, but it give some ambiguity as to exactly what happened. In the movie, it’s just…Edward leaps and stops the van, they stare at each other and he just…leaps out. Instead of an almost ghost-like Edward setting up a plausible scene and Bella very confusingly registering everything.

“Bella, I was standing with you, and I pulled you out of the way.” He unleashed the full, devastating power of his eyes on me, as if trying to communicate something crucial.

“No.” I set my jaw.

Bella is so spineless, isn’t she? Just look at the way she just accepts her crush’s lies without argument. The anti hate dumb is really intense in this one. I’m blaming the movie writing on this.

The gold in his eyes blazed. “Please, Bella.”

“Why?” I demanded.

“Trust me,” he pleaded, his soft voice overwhelming.

I could hear the sirens now. “Will you promise to explain everything to me later?”

“Fine,” he snapped, abruptly exasperated.

“Fine,” I repeated angrily.

Their first lovers’ tiff Their first argument is perhaps the only true one. Of course Edward isn’t going to reveal his vampirism to a human—it isn’t even his secret to tell. He is risking *Alan Rickman voice* the exposure of their world. But Bella has seen too much, alas, and notices too much. Beforehand she had noticed the change in Edward’s eye color and his strength. This is yet another piece in the mystery puzzle, which the movie adaptation just simply yeets out the window.

In any case, at the hospital Bella asks Edward directly for his promised explanation. It goes about as well as you’d think.

“I saved your life—I don’t owe you anything.”

I flinched back from the resentment in his voice. “You promised.”

“Bella, you hit your head, you don’t know what you are talking about.” His tone was cutting.

My temper flared now, and I glared defiantly at him. “There is nothing wrong with my head.”

This is so much better and more interesting than the movie version it hurts. Bella is like a dog with a bone here and Edward is somehow unable to convince her of his lies. Hell, he almost doesn’t even try. Since we are shown that he is usually good at persuasion, it shows that his weak spot is Bella.

I’m guessing the film adaptation didn’t like Edward’s assholery here and so toned it way down, but his anger 1) fits his character and 2) is definitely not because of Bella. It’s all directed at himself, for his weakness in exposing himself and his family to danger—he admits it explicitly later on in the book. It’s also confirmed in Midnight Sun. Bella doesn’t know all this baggage, though, but she still picks up a very distorted version of the truth—that he regrets saving her.

We scowled at each other in silence. […] I was so angry, it took me a few minutes until I could move. When I could walk, I made my way slowly to the exit at the end of the hallway. (p. 65)

A gentle but firm reminder that Bella has a temper. She internalizes it, however, as women are taught to do. Would have been nice for Stewart to have been directed to show that anger.

That was the first night I dreamed of Edward Cullen.

Nothing like saving your life and behaving like an asshole to stir up the hormones.

Chapter 4: Bella and Edward Don’t Speak For A Month

Yep. A whole month.

The month that followed the accident was uneasy, tense, and, at first, embarrassing. (p. 68)

Bella’s and Edward’s relationship is clearly moving too quickly. One awkward conversation, then a life-saving incident, then a full-on argument in which they don’t speak for a month. Instalove, clearly.

Yes, Bella is hot for him and is already dreaming about him like the simp she is, but that doesn’t mean she is just going to roll over at his say-so. And Edward is still clearly in fervent denial about his fascination with her. That won’t last, of course.

I wondered to myself why no one else had seen him standing so far away, before he was suddenly, impossibly saving my life. With chagrin, I realized the probable cause—no one was as aware of Edward as I always was. No one else watched him the way I did. How pitiful.

Bella knows she is in horny jail and deserves it. Look at her wearing the makeup of clownery with ironic ruefulness. Juliet Capulet somewhere is smiling in knowing recognition. I approve.

Mike, at least, was pleased by the obvious coolness between me and my lab partner. I could see he’d been worried that Edward’s daring rescue might have impressed me, and he was relieved that it seemed to have the opposite effect. (p. 71)

It’s a nice reversal, to be sure. In fact, that incident was definitely a one-step-forward-two-steps-back kind of deal. Meyer is breaking a pretty bad trope-cliché with this one, and she deserves credit for that.

I closed my eyes and pressed my fingers to my temples, trying to push the guilt and sympathy out of my head. […] And Edward was staring at me curiously, that same, familiar edge of frustration even more distinct now in his black eyes.

Edward-senpai noticed her!!!! And all thanks to Mike. Yes, Mike fucking Newton was literally the catalyst for Edward talking to Bella again. It’s Edward’s turn for the clown makeup.

I couldn’t believe the rush of emotion pulsing through me—just because he’d happened to look at me for the first time in a half-dozen weeks. I couldn’t allow him this level of influence over me. It was pathetic. More than pathetic, it was unhealthy. (p. 74)

Bella is so smart she anticipated her own anti hate dumb. What clairvoyance. Move over, Alice.

“I’m sorry.” He sounded sincere. “I’m being very rude, I know. But it’s better this way, really.”

I opened my eyes. His face was very serious.

“I don’t know what you mean,” I said, my voice guarded.

“It’s better if we’re not friends,” he explained. “Trust me.”

At least Edward apologized. That’s something. (Did he in the movie adaptation? I don’t remember). But of course Bella believes that Edward is regretting saving her, which of course angers him. And thus Fight #2.

I mean to sweep dramatically out of the room, but of course I caught the toe of my boot on the doorjamb and dropped my books. I stood there for a moment, thinking about leaving them. Then I sighed and bent to pick them up. He was there; he’d already stacked them into a pile. He handed them to me, his face hard.

“Thank you,” I said icily.

His eyes narrowed.

“You’re welcome,” he retorted.

Now KISS.

(Bonus: A Troll!Edward moment I love: Letting Tyler Crowley ask Bella to the prom by blocking Bella’s way.

In his rearview mirror, Edward’s eyes were on me. He was unquestionably shaking with laughter, as if he’d heard every word Tyler had said. My foot itched toward the gas pedal…one little bump wouldn’t hurt any of them, just the glossy silver paint job. I revved the engine.

Why couldn’t we have this in the movie adaptation instead of the horrible comic relief? Bella and Edward can be really hilarious together if you just let their personalities shine. Okay, now back to the show.)

“Bella, it’s not my fault if you are exceptionally unobservant.” His voice was quiet as usual—velvet, muted.

Ooh, below the belt. And so untrue it’s clownish. But notice that he said if—also, he may still be trying to keep to his I-was-right-next-to-you fib. But Edward is in a lighter mood today and he has just asked Bella if she would like a ride to Seattle. Like the cuttease he is.

“It would be more…prudent for you not to be my friend,” he explained. “But I’m tired of trying to stay away from you, Bella.”

His eyes were gloriously intense as he uttered that last sentence, his voice smoldering. I couldn’t remember how to breathe. (p. 84)

Really? In front of my salad?

[cto10121]

Rule of Wolves, in a nutshell (spoilers):

A good, practical how-to guide on turning two fun side characters into dire awful joyless main characters. It’s easier than you think!

Hello, dear readers, this is your author speaking! Friendly reminder that Evil Darkling Is Evil because [copy paste list of crimes] and he definitely never loved Alina and will say so (like a retconned cartoon villain) and Alina never loved him and will say so (like an OOC author mouthpiece). But don’t worry, he will get a random redemption arc anyway by turning into a tree and if you still stan the Darkling after this, you are an abuse apologist :)

Nikolai quickly forgetting his pursuit for the crown and love for Ravka moments after he got confirmation that he was indeed illegitimate and has decided to fuck off and return to being a side character privateer again. But hey, Zoya is now Power Sue Queen, and Nikolai her unabashed simp so progress!

Nina and Hanne having zero romantic chemistry and development (hell, Nina showed more fire and passion in wanting to kill Matthias’ killer than her fade-to-black sex scene with Hanne) but we have to convince remind the reader that Nina is indeed bi and this author is thirsty for those sweet Gay and NB Representation(tm) woke points

The Crows waving hi and then bye for their contrived pointless cameo

Alina and Mal waving hi then flipping off the Darkling for their contrived, barely relevant cameo

Zoya being Ravkan then retconned as brown half-Suli and then retconned again as white-passing half-Suli when readers with a brain pointed out her description in the trilogy, because again, anything for that POC Representation(tm) woke points

Decent Zoyalai mutual pining, though with an unfortunate copy-paste Kanej dynamics

“The Darkling still being the most interesting character in this mess despite everything including craven authorial interference to make him as OOC as possible and the inherent pointlessness of his return” (reprise, Op. 7 in Bb major, allegro più vivace con grande crescendo)

Goodbye consistent rules for this barely coherent magical system, we hardly knew thee, YEET

Ravka being once again locked in war with Fjerda and Shu Han, the Grisha still being persecuted and forced into horrible supersoldier programs with definite Holocaust imagery, and now there is a random blight that appeared and disappeared until the end of the book. Literally nothing changed and gotten worse. But let us remind the reader again the Darkling was the worst thing for Ravka ever even while lowkey admitting that he was right about some things and his plan would have worked and while he had strong motivations his methods were just too ~extreme~ for the 94377383th time shall we

Nina being a proud Grisha Ravkan still obviously mourning Matthias and still casting shade on Fjerda...content to marry a Fjerdan she has known for months

*insert toy story meme* Retcons, retcons everywhere

Author-approved soap opera fanfiction I guess

[cto10121]

review of romeu e julieta (2012) at the globe. thanks to @ariel-seagull-wings for the tag!

so this was a performance by a brazilian troupe in london’s globe itself! i’m shocked that this was even a thing and had the devil of a time wondering if the audience could even understand (conclusion: they did, as they laughed at key lines. surtitles it is). what a treat. so i regret to say that this is one of the worst productions i’ve seen of r&j in awhile. yeah, it was bad. i’ll hugo montenegro-it some more

the good:

portuguese!!!!! tão lindo, always so nice to hear, and the translation of the shakespeare sounded consistently good. the deliveries were fine. this production decided to add in superfluous original lines by the chorus figure to explain the story better. might as well

um. juliet had some elegance? very swan lake-swan.

the friar playing the nino rota love theme from the ‘68 film. made me long to see that movie again

there was a speech in english by the chorus that sounded pretty good. well-written, actually.

that’s it

the bad:

no prologue, even though there was a freakin’ chorus they used substantially. at least in the other globe production there were three choruses—not ideal, but better than nothing

no fight scene (no, i don’t count whatever the hell that was in the beginning). tybalt’s role was so diminished it was painful

romeo on stilts half the time for no reason. at first i thought it was a ~metaphor for how he is so in-the-clouds in his false love over rosaline and how juliet’s love grounds him back to earth. but nope. that’s apparently giving this vacuous production too much credit. after meeting juliet he is back on those damn stilts.

the interpretations were bad. romeo looked mostly pained, juliet just would not stop smiling up until the second half, (she could not do drama, period) benvolio is just whatever about romeo’s pining for rosaline, the nurse insufferable, the friar is a goofy hipster, (?) and tybalt and mercutio nigh non-entities

the endless songs. part of a larger trend, i know (the english-language productions do as much), but in this production it was nigh insufferable. the production really had to use the chorus as the figurative glue because they cut out swaths of text and filled at least a quarter with songs. romeo consistently sang and it was awful. if i hear flor, minha flor one more goddamn time, i’m going to lose it. you want romeu e julieta the musical? do presgurvic in portuguese. or just hit up br0adwaybaby1, she has it in the bag.

yet another production that plays the first half as a comedy and the other half a tragedy. no, no, and no. for one thing, the comic bits weren’t even entertaining, but excruciating and cringey. thanks to this need to entertain or else wrap everything in ironic self-detachment, the black satire of the first half is entirely missed, the romance devoid of passion and therefore reason, and even the feud was not well-established at all.

the ugly:

the short length. i had a feeling this wouldn’t be a great production when i saw the runtime. good r&j productions are never under 2 hours. the globe did an abridged version that was barely adequate, but it also had problems with emotion. probably that filmed live theater version was the only okay abridged version.

the whole beginning sequence. i nearly hit the back arrow, but fortunately i am made of sterner stuff. i lived through weirder r&j stuff before and it has made me strong, you hear?

costumes, sets, the works. this was obviously a minimalist production, but the choices they made went way in the clown direction, literally. there was a car on stage and the nurse had sack boobs. enough saidq

apart from its ubiquity, the music was horrible. par de course for the globe, but still. there was one song r&j sang during their parting scene that wasn’t too bad. but i don’t especially remember it either

one of the most unbelievable r&js i’ve seen in awhile, probably even more so than the other globe production. no gravitas, no passion, not even sweetness. they got better towards the end, but it was way too late. the best i can say about these two is that they didn’t play r&j as caricatures of horny teens, nor did they clown their way through the balcony. small miracles

so i’m completely baffled if pleased that foreign-language productions are apparently a thing in london. but this ain’t it. in short, this version did nothing new with the material; if anything, it took all the worst ideas of most english-language productions (it’s a comedy and then a tragedy! no prologue! tons of music for no good reason! short runtime! excessive clownery!) and performed it in portuguese. this could have been an english-language production and no one would have batted an eye. the critics must have seen worse. i’ve been reading the reviews of some stage r&js in the guardian and even the worst-sounding of them have gotten positive reviews, the critics have gotten so craven.

you want r&j but done differently with contemporary resonance and tons of music? again, broken record here…do. gerard. presgurvic’s musical!!!!!! you fiends