Summary: Brock fell in love with one of the recruits, but he has a secret, what will he do?
Warnings: some smut references, nothing explicit.
A/N: This is my entry to the @softbiker ‘s”25 things” Writing Challenge with the song prompt #1:
“Heroes” by David Bowie.
My native language is Spanish so I wanna improve my writing skills in English if you notice any mistake please let me know and I will correct it.
I don’t give any kind of permission that my fics be posted in other platforms or languages (I translate myself my work) or the use of my graphics (my dividers are included in this), I did them exclusively for my fics, please respect my work and don't steal it. There are some people here who make dividers that anyone can use, mine is not this type, please look for the other's people. The only exception is the ones I gifted 'cuz now belong to someone else. If you find any of my works on a different platform and is not one of my accounts, please let me know. Reblogs and comments are always welcome.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Marvel's characters (unfortunately), except for the original characters and the story.
My other media where I publish: Wattpad, Ao3, ffnet.
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I, I will be king
And you, you will be queen
Though nothing, will drive them away
We can beat them, just for one day
We can be heroes, just for one day
Brock gestured displeasure in remembering that they were going to start working with the recruits that day, then they would pick those who would stay on the team, most seemed immature or just stupid, most were not at the level of what he needed for his team.
However, there was a woman who caught her eye, that woman was you, you could be a good recruit for what they needed.
He reviewed the documents, maybe it could be useful for HYDRA until he saw that the tutor was Romanoff, there was no choice, he had watched you for a few days, and obviously, he wasn't going to be able to convince you, you seemed to be very close to Natasha.
And you, you can be mean
And I, I'll drink all the time
'Cause we're lovers, and that is a fact
Yes we're lovers, and that is that
"Agent Y/L/N," Brock greeted you.
"Commander.”
"I read your file, you were one of the best in the Academy, I hope you'll behave up to it," he said, pointing out the report he was holding in the other hand.
"Yes, sir.”
Brock watched every move during training, even though he didn't want to accept it, he had undoubtedly fallen in love with you, even though no one could know you because he didn't want to be hurt.
On the other hand, you avoided looking at it, from the first moment you saw it you liked it, but you didn't want to get in trouble either.
Though nothing, will keep us together
We could steal time, just for one day
We can be heroes, forever and ever
What d'you say?
That day you came early to train, the tests would be soon and you thought you were the best, you took out the equipment you would use, you didn't listen when the door opened.
"I think you need help," a voice said behind you.
You were startled, you were supposed to be alone in the place.
"Commander," you said.
He came up to you and took the dumbbells you had in your hands.
"Have you stretching yet?” Brock questioned you.
You shocked your head, Brock sighed.
"Run two laps to the gym, then you'll do sit-ups, I don't want you to get hurt for nonsense.”
You went running as he commanded, then you settled on one of the mats to start doing the abs, Brock set out to help you until they unexpectedly kissed, as soon as they split up, you immediately got up.
"I-I have to go," you said, then you just walk out of the gym.
Damn, I shouldn't get involved with anyone! You thought.
Brock felt on the mat, the fear that HYDRA will take you hostage now was increasing, he hoped no one would have seen what had happened.
I, I wish you could swim
Like the dolphins, like dolphins can swim
You kept walking down the halls until you found Steve.
"Y/N, did something happen? He asked.
"No, nothing happened.”
He looked at you for a few seconds to make sure, maybe he had imagined it.
"We have the training session," he recalled.
"Sure, I just...”
"Let's go to the gym.”
Steve grabbed you by the arm to head to the gym. Throughout the training you were nervous, you knew you could be expelled for that or have any kind of problems.
"Agent Y/L/N, stay a moment," Brock asked at the end of the training.
You nodded, you swallowed saliva, there was no escape after everyone else came out, and Brock came over.
"Commander, I'm sorry I shouldn't have if you want to report me it's okay…”
He kissed you before you could go on with your apology.
"I can't take it anymore, I'm in love with you," he confessed.
You started sneaking out - even if you had told Natasha - yet neither of you had noticed that someone had been spying on him.
Though nothing, nothing will keep us together
We can beat them, forever and ever
Oh we can be heroes, just for one day
"Your girlfriend can help us infiltrate the Avengers," Rollins said.
Brock looked at him.
"What? How...?”
"Come on, Romanoff's her tutor, it'll be easy, I'm sure she'd do anything for you.”
"She has nothing to do with HYDRA”
“And?”
Brock would do anything to keep you safe, that's when he devised a plan, maybe after what he would do you weren't going to want to hear from him again, but he was willing to take a chance if that would protect you.
I, I will be king
And you, you will be queen
Though nothing, will drive them away
We can be heroes, just for one day
We can be us, just for one day
On the day the plan was executed, he took you to dinner at your favorite restaurant.
"So we're going to your place?”You asked when you left the restaurant.
It was the first time you go to his home, you always went to yours.
"I have a surprise for you," he assured you.
You kissed, the clothes were on the floor, and the night was spectacular.
The next morning, when you woke up, you were alone in bed.
"Brock?” You called him.
There was no answer, you got up, maybe he was in the kitchen, you went, but neither was there, you checked your mobile phone, maybe he had been called for some mission, there was no message or note about his whereabouts, that was too strange, you bathed quickly and dressed when you went to the door you noticed that you were locked in the apartment.
I, I can remember (I remember)
Standing, by the wall (by the wall)
And the guns, shot above our heads (over our heads)
And we kissed, as though nothing could fall (nothing could fall)
"Why did you ask us to come? Natasha asked when he arrived at the place where Brock told them.
"First I need you to keep Y/N safe," Brock asked.
"Is she in danger? Steve inquired worriedly
"She probably will be after what I tell you.”
He confessed everything about HYDRA and what he had done in all that time, the others listened attentively.
"Where is she? Natasha asked after the confession.
Brock gave them the directions, where they had been wasn't their home, he had found a place where he knew you'd be safe.
“Y/N?” Steve called you on the other side of the door.
"Steve?”
"Back up, we are gonna open the door," he ordered you.
You did it right away, as soon as they came in. Natasha slapped you.
“So HYDRA, when were you going to tell me?” She criticized you.
"What?” You asked bewildered, you had no idea what she was talking about.
"Nat, calm down," Steve interjected, holding her arm to keep her away from you.
“I gave you a place and you're a traitor!” Natasha continued to get out of Steve's grip.
"Nat, what are you talking about?”
"Rumlow is HYDRA," Steve replied.
You carved your mouth with your hand.
“No, it can't be... is that why he left me here?”
"He wanted to get you safe, he confessed," Steve explained.
And the shame, was on the other side
Oh we can beat them, forever and ever
Then we could be heroes, just for one day
We can be heroes
We can be heroes
We can be heroes, just for one day
We can be heroes
Seeing your confusion Natasha calmed down, they took you with them, after a long interrogation they deduced that you knew nothing; then you asked to see him, Natasha accompanied you, she kept waiting for you outside.
"Hey," he greeted you when he saw you.
"Why didn't you tell me? I thought something had happened to you when I didn't see you,"
"I couldn't put you at risk," he justified himself
“A risk? I don't understand anything, Brock, you should have told me first.”
"If you want to leave me I'll understand...”
"I want to know your reasons.”
He told you everything, you’ve been thinking for a few minutes.
"When you get out, we'll be together, just don't hide anything from me again.”
You put your hands on the glass, he did the same thing, and you kissed through the glass.
"Nat, do you think he has changed?”
"It seems like you changed him, I've never seen him care about someone before until you came into his life.”
You dressed in your combat gear, a 45 holstered to each thigh, a third tucked in your pants in the small of your back, and a few blades hidden in various pockets. Pierce had debriefed you personally this morning, you are to drive the Strike team along with Captain America to a destination, and do a few rounds of the area upon arrival. Sounds easy enough, but if we're running the check ups and not some tech team, it must not be just another business building... You think to yourself as you make your way to the Shield issue black SUV. At least Rollins won't be here... You weren't exactly sure on the details, but from what the rest of the guys had told you, Rumlow had fired him and discredited his name, the guy wouldn't be coming back much less be able to get a decent mercenary job any time soon. The guys were surprised he didn't kill him.
You're the first in the car, not that it matters, Pierce had insisted you be the one to drive. You take advantage of the free time to hook your phone up via bluetooth to the car's audio. No way in hell am I going to get stuck in silence with all this testosterone in the car... You almost jump as someone opens the passenger door and hops into the seat. You look up and your eyes widen.
"I don't believe we've met." He holds his hand out to you. "I'm Steve Rogers, but most everybody calls me Cap."
You manage a smile and shake his hand, but before you can pull away he presses your hand to his lips. "Pleasure to meet you, ma'am." He allows you to take your hand back, but you're already blushing.
"Nice to meet you too, Steve." You have to remind yourself to breath, you can't believe Captain freakin' America is sitting shot gun right next to you, Steve freakin' Rogers kissed your hand!
"So we're goin' with Steve?" He smiles. "I like that, it's a lot better than being called Capsicle all day.." Your eyes meet and you both laugh shyly.
He's even more gorgeous in person. You think to yourself, trying not to stare. He's blushing! Well...everyone does say he can be shy. You glance at him again, and catch him staring at you. He blushes a deep red and takes advantage of the approaching men for a distraction.
"Looks like the team is here." He says.
The guys pile into the SUV, Rumlow being the last in. You swear he almost glares at Steve as he walks by the SUV. He takes the very back seat and looks out his window, not even glancing at you.
It's a long drive, but you and Steve manage to spend a lot of it talking, you almost forget about your music until one of the guys asks if you can turn the radio on.
"Y'all like Def Leppard?" You ask. The guys seem to light up, so you turn on the music. Pour Some Sugar On Me is the first to come on.
It's not long before Steve's cheeks are red listening to the lyrics, while the guys, all except Rumlow, are singing along at the top of their lungs.
One of the guys reaches forward and nudges your shoulder a little. "Come on! Sing with us!" He urges.
All the guys laugh and you smile, before you start singing along with them and drumming the steering wheel as you drive. You check the rear view mirror as you come to a red light, and catch Rumlow watching you and chuckling. You turn the music up louder and dance along with the music trying to get him to sing along with the rest of you. He shakes his head, smiling, so you nod yours, making him laugh again.
When the next song comes on you recognize it immediately, you break your gaze from Rumlow to look at Steve apologetically. You know he's going to be really embarrassed, but the other guys are excited and start fist pumping for you to let the song play. The music is loud enough, so you're not self conscious about being the only one singing along this time.
You look at Steve, and he couldn't be more red.
Rumlow's POV:
I watch her sing along to Def Leppard with the guys, I had been upset that Cap was the one to ride passenger. He got to sit next to her, where I wanted to sit. Where I should be right now instead of this backseat. Especially when I know she's a huge fan of his.
We lock eyes, and she smiles at me. I can't help but smile back. When she starts urging me to sing along with them I start laughing and shaking my head, but it only makes her smile wider and nod hers. I bite my bottom lip to try and keep from smiling more, but the new song coming on pulls her attention from me.
I don't recognize the song, but the lyrics are interesting to say the least. I raise a brow, She has very provocative taste in music.. I smile to myself, then bite my cheek. Why does that turn me on? I shake my head and look up to see her giving Cap an apologetic look, knowing he won't know what to do with the dirty lyrics. The guys all fist pump, two of which are actually hitting the roof of the SUV, along with the music. But she's the only one singing along, she knows all the words. She glances back at Cap, and earns a few chuckles from him as she makes an attempt to dance in her seat.
I know she's trying to make him feel more comfortable .. But I don't like how he's looking at her. He can't take his eyes off her. Neither can you. I remind myself.
I shake my head and bite my lip again, holding back a smile as I look out my window. Am I actually jealous?... My brows furrow and I lean my forehead against the cold glass of the window, closing my eyes.
You look up from the scope of the rifle, satisfied with your accuracy. You stand up and decide to replace the rifle in the gun cage. As you walk back, you realize that Rumlow is no longer there. You frown slightly, not knowing if he saw you shoot or not. You place the rifle back on the rack, and unclip the 45 from your thigh holster. For some reason, shooting has lost its appeal to you for the day, so you decide you'll just head to your room to change into your gym clothes.
You walk to the elevator and wait patiently after pressing the button. You close your eyes, and take a deep breath, trying to plan out what you wanted to work at the gym today. You feel the hairs on your neck stand ever so slightly, and turn to find Rollins standing just in front of you. You furrow your brows in confusion, "Rollins right? What's up?" You try to be polite, not sure what he wants, or why exactly he looks so angry.
He steps closer to you, leaning down until his face is inches from yours, and glares into your eyes. "You better watch yourself, you may have the boss man on your side, but he won't be around to protect you all the time."
"What are you-" He cuts you off by grabbing your neck, you try to pry his hand away but he tightens his grip.
He pulls you closer so that he's whispering in your ear. "I will NOT be shown up by some little girl." His words are filled with hate, and you actually feel nervous as his fingers dig in to your neck. You gasp at the pain and blink faster trying to think.
The elevator opens, and before either you or Rollins can tell what's happening someone rips him off you. The figure grabs Rollins by the throat and slams him painfully to the ground. You try to see what happens next but you collapse to your knees, your head spinning as you gasp to catch your breath.
You feel a hand on your shoulder and you spin around, hoping it isn't Rollins.
"R-rumlow?" You manage to say between coughs.
Rumlow reaches down and wraps his arm around your waist to hoist you into a standing position. You look over to see Rollins knocked out on the floor, with what looks to be a broken nose and a few bruises on his own neck. You feel Rumlow's fingers trace along your neck briefly, then he snaps his fingers in front of your face to get your attention.
"Hello? I asked are you okay Agent." He's looking at you expectantly, almost worried.
"I'm fi-" Your throat catches and you clear your throat, taking a few breaths. "I'm fine, thanks for that." You motion to Rollins, but he doesn't acknowledge your thanks, he instead turns his attention back to your neck. His arm still around your waist to hold you up, he tucks his other hand gently under your chin to raise and turn your head so he can get a better look. He purses his lips and mutters something under his breath.
"Can you walk alright?" He asks, taking his hand away from your chin.
You nod. "I think so, just a little dizzy from lack of air, I'll be fine." You attempt a chuckle, but it turns into a bit of a cough and you grab your sore throat.
He looks down at Rollins and then back at you. "Come on." He says. Just as you're about to ask what he means, he pulls one of your arms around his strong shoulders and tightens his grip on your waist. You both step into the elevator and he hits one of the buttons, not releasing his grip on you in the slightest.
You're both silent for a while, before Rumlow sighs, and pinches the bridge of his nose with his free hand. "What happened Agent?" He asks, not opening his eyes.
"I don't know.." You admit. "I turned around and he was there, and he just told me that I should watch out because 'boss man' won't be around to protect me all the time." You shake your head and furrow your brows, confused about what he had meant. "Something about.. not wanting to get shown up by a 'little girl'." You scoff at the last part. I'm definitely not a little girl, you think to yourself. You may be a younger agent, and a female, but you held your own against every one of them and deserved to be here. I earned this just like everyone else! You clench your jaw, but the tension hurts your neck and you move your hand up to rub the sore spots.
Rumlow notices, and opens his mouth to say something, but evidently decides against it. He simply gives a short nod and faces the doors of the elevator as they open.
He tugs you along with him as he steps out of the elevator. You try to keep up with his quick pace, but it's not long before you stop in front of a door. Rumlow knocks, and waits patiently, his arm still tightly around your waist.
"I'm really fine." You say to him softly, trying to remove your arm from around his shoulders, but he grabs your wrist with his free hand and refuses to let you move it. You let out a sigh of frustration and defeat as the door opens to reveal a small medic room.
Great. You think to yourself. Getting brought to the nurse like I'm a kindergarten student...
The older lady inside gives a sweet grandmotherly smile, and motions for the two of you to enter. She steps aside as Rumlow gently sets you on the examination table. You're a tad irritated at the measures he's taking, but you don't complain. You see his set jaw, and know there's no arguing about it. Once you're on the table, he finally slides his arm out from around your waist and has a seat in a chair a few feet away.
"I'm Mrs. Genie." The lady smiles at you, that same sweet smile from before. "What seems to be the problem dear?" She asks, pulling her glasses up to her face so as to get a better look.
You open your mouth to answer but Rumlow cuts you off. "Some guy tried to get tough with her and grabbed her throat pretty bad." He wasn't looking at you, or Mrs. Genie, he was looking to the other side of the room seeming lost in thought. You could see the vein on the side of his forehead popping out as he clenched his jaw, then he let out a sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers.
You turned to look at Mrs. Genie, who gently taps the bottom of your chin with her finger indicating you to tilt your head back. "If it's not too painful dear." She smiles at you.
You lean your head back, wincing slightly.
Mrs. Genie ever so gently runs her fingers along your neck, ensuring nothing is wrong beneath the surface. She pursed her lips and allowed you to lean your head back down into its usual position. "Well, sweetie, you'll have some nasty bruises and maybe a busted blood vessel from the trauma." She smiled and handed you a sucker from her coat pocket. "But you'll be fine, just some visual boo boos and nothing more."
You smile at her, and can't help but wonder how someone so sweet works with specialized killers all day. You chuckle as she tucks the sucker into one of the pockets on your combat pants.
"And I trust that Rumlow here took care of the scoundrel responsible for hurting such a pretty young lady?" Mrs. Genie looks at him expectantly from over the rim of her glasses.
"Damn right Mrs. Genie." He smiles, but you see his eyes still show irritation.
"Language young man!" Mrs. Genie slaps Rumlow on the shoulder, and that makes him genuinely laugh as she ushers both of you out of the room. "You take care of her, she's too pretty and sweet to be getting hurt like that." She pointed a finger at Rumlow, but then softened and gave him an affectionate pat on his arm before closing the door.
You smile at the door, or rather who you know is behind it. What a sweet old lady. And she actually made Rumlow laugh. You raise a brow slightly and turn to follow Rumlow down the hall.
You watch him pat one of his pockets curiously, his brows furrowed, and he pulls out a sucker similar to the one you received. He laughs and shakes his head, wasting no time in tearing off the wrapper and sticking the sucker in his mouth. He turns to you, still smiling. "She refuses to let anyone leave without one." He chuckles again, tossing the wrapper into a trash can beside the elevator doors.
You shrug your shoulders. Why not. You think, and tear into your sucker as well, throwing away the wrapper just before stepping into the elevator together.
"Can you imagine?" Rumlow asks as he presses the button and the doors close.
"What's that?" You reply, not sure how he manages to talk so well around the sucker.
A wide grin spreads across his face. "If someone walks on the elevator right now. Two members of the Strike team...vicious killers mind you." He has a stern look on his face to make a point, but he can't play serious long. His face slips into a grin as he chuckles continues talking. "..with lollipops sticking out of their mouths." He laughs and shakes his head.
You smile and chuckle softly. "Give me a hello kitty Band-Aid and I'll be set."
Rumlow looks at you, both your faces serious as you nod with each other in agreement. You bite your lip to hold back, but it's no use. You both burst out with laughter.
The elevator doors open, and you both step out into the hall. You realize that this is your floor, and instinctively start making your way towards your apartment.
"So." You glance over at Rumlow, almost hesitant to ask. "What happens to Rollins now? You banged him up pretty bad.."
You're at your door, so you both stop, and he just stares at the floor between the two of you. It's silent for what feels like ages before he glances up at you. He looks down at your neck and his brows furrow slightly, then he looks back to your eyes. He opens his mouth to speak, but instead closes it and clenches his jaw.
You want to say something, but he turns and starts down the hall, calling out "Goodnight Agent." before rounding the corner, leaving you standing alone.
Rumlow's POV:
"So. What happens to Rollins now?" She asks as you both come to a stop in front of her apartment.
I just look at the floor, contemplating what I should say. I'm going to murder him for ever having touched you, much less for leaving such nasty bruises on your slender neck. I glanced up and looked at her neck again, it was already turning blue, and in a few spots where Rollins had dug his fingers in there was red veining of broken blood vessels. I bit my cheek and felt my brows furrow in concern. She was going to have bruises for weeks, maybe months. I look up to her eyes, her gorgeous, vivid eyes. They were red from the attack, but that only made them seem so much brighter. I wanted to hold her in my arms again, it was so difficult to let go of her earlier. I wanted to tell her everything would be okay, and so I open my mouth to do just that.
Then I catch myself, and think It's my fault...If I hadn't left her she wouldn't have been alone...wouldn't have gotten hurt. I close my mouth and clench my jaw in fustration. She opens her mouth as if to speak, but I look away and start off down the hall.
"Goodnight Agent!" I call over my shoulder to her as I turn the corner.
I stop and lean against the wall just out of her view, listening to make sure she gets in her apartment safe. After I hear the click of her door shutting, and the slide of her locks, I lean my head back against the wall and let out a breath. What's wrong with you Brock... I shake my head and stand straight, carrying on down the hallway.
You hear a man screaming in the distance, he's yelling for everyone to get down. You're not sure what's going on but there's debris everywhere, and everything sounds wrong, like it's underwater. You blink rapidly and shake your head, not sure why your senses are dulled. Looking around you notice several bodies sprawled out on the floor, some under debris, some shot, some still burning...
We must have gotten hit by a bomb. Why don't I remember anything?
You shake your head and stumble to your feet, your legs feel numb. You make your way down the hall where you vaguely hear alarms sounding, but everything still sounds wrong. You cough from the smoke, and when you pull your hand away you notice that you coughed up blood. Great...You force yourself to push on, searching for someone. Who am I looking for? You narrow your eyes and try to remember, but all you know is that there's someone that needs your help down this hallway. I can hear them, they're calling for me.
"Where are you?!" You shout, the pain in your throat excruciating.
You blink your eyes quickly, they're starting to burn and water. You cough again, trying to catch your breath in all the smoke.
You hear a distant shout again, and make your way further down the hall. Everything seems so familiar, but you don't know where you are.
You put your ear to one of the doors, thinking you hear something inside. When you open it there's a sudden flash and all you hear is screaming. It's not muffled anymore, it's crystal clear. All you hear is people screaming.
You jerk up in your bed, your body covered in a cold sweat, your heart racing and head aching. You run your hands back through your hair and try to catch your breath. You realize that your throat is sore and your mouth dry. I must have been screaming again...fan-fucking-tastic. It's a wonder no one heard me, or did they? You frown and sigh as your feet hit the cold floor, padding into the kitchen for a drink. You could use something with a little more bite, but all you have in the fridge is water or milk. Water it is...
You drink the whole glass before finally taking a breath, mostly because you were parched, but also because the cool liquid soothes your throat. You're thankful that not many of the spaces on this floor are actually occupied, less chance of someone listening in on your little episodes.
Rumlow's POV:
I wake to hear screaming, jerking up in my bed I instinctively grab my gun off the nightstand. I listen quietly for a moment before I hear it again, I quickly throw on a pair of sweat pants and open the door. Leaning my head out into the hallway, I again listen carefully. The screaming is coming from one of the rooms. There's only 3 other agents living on this floor. I think to myself, my brow furrowing, then I start to panic as I realize... Only one of them is a woman...
I rush to her door and listen carefully, holding my gun ready just in case.
I hear light steps across the floor, I assume moving into the kitchen. "Fuck..." I hear her mutter, her breathing uneven and ridden with fear. I relax as I hear her open the fridge.
Must have been a bad dream. I sigh, relieved. Must have been pretty bad...I know what that's like. I frown to myself and move to knock at the door, but hesitate and bite my cheek.
I shake my head and drop my hand back to my side, quietly I make my way back to my own apartment. I curse myself as I realize I left my door wide open in my rush to see if she was alright. Smart Brock...Real smart.
I stand in my kitchen for a few moments, leaning against the counter, internally debating with myself what I should do. I think back to what happened with Rollins, how I wasn't there for her. The bruises on her neck had long gone, but she wouldn't have gotten hurt in the first place if I had just stayed with her.
"Fuck it." I finally say, grabbing a bottle of whiskey from the counter I make my way back to her door, and this time.. I knock.
You follow Lauren, Pierce's assistant, as she leads you to the door. She motions for you to go in, and leaves you to stand there alone.
You take a deep breath, and slowly open the door. Pierce is sitting behind his desk looking over various papers. He doesn't look up, but motions for you to take a seat.
You notice there's a second seat today, one is occupied with a middle-aged looking man. You take the other seat, and exchange a slight nod to the other man.
"This is Agent Coulson." Pierce looks up at the two of you and folds his hands on the desk in front of him. "I'm assigning you to him for a few days. Anything he says, you do it." He stares at you for a moment before returning his attention back to the documents on his desk. "That is all, you may both leave."
You both stand and exit, Coulson jogging forward to open the door for you. You smile in appreciation and wait as he walks out behind you.
"It's a pleasure to meet you." He smiles and offers you a hand, you shake it and note that he seems much more energetic outside of Pierce's office. Understandable. "I hear you're on Rumlow's Strike team. That's some badass stuff..like...working with the Captain all the time." His smile widens and he almost seems like a giddy school girl.
You can't help but laugh and smile, his enthusiasm is extremely contagious. "It's definitely exciting, to be honest I was always a huge fan of Steve's. It's almost surreal to know him personally."
Coulson's jaw drops. "You mean...you know know the Captain? You don't just work together, you actually...hangout?"
"Yes?..." You chuckle again at his disbelief. "Maybe I can introduce you to him sometime?"
His eyes go wide. "A-are you s-serious?" He squeals excitedly like a little girl, and you look around to ensure no one is watching.
"Yeah...but you gotta promise not to do that." You laugh, and he nods enthusiastically.
Two days later:
"So I'm sure you're excited to be getting back to normal, I'm sure playing body guard the last few days hasn't exactly been cupcakes and pumpkin lattes." You laugh at Coulson's choice of words, you had gotten rather used to his child-like sense of humor during your time together.
It's kinda nice actually. You frown to yourself as you realize you're going to miss him.
"Oh don't look so sad, Pierce will be glad you passed his little test. Maybe you can go on some real missions now, huh?" He looks excited for a moment, then covers his hand with his mouth as he realizes he said something he shouldn't. "I mean...um...What? Did you hear someone call me?" He turns to flea but you grab his arm.
"Wait...what did you say?" You stand in front of him to block his path.
He fidgets for a moment before glancing around, and waits as someone walks by with a cart of office supplies before pulling you closer to whisper. "I'm not supposed to say anything. Pierce wanted to put you with someone he trusted to sort of test you out, make sure you were really ready. Rumlow vouched for your physical abilities, but he wanted to make sure that in a tough spot you'd be able to think your way out too." He pauses for a moment to glance around again. "But hey, bright side, you passed! So we can forget this conversation ever happened." He stands up straighter and casually fixes his jacket as he changed the subject. "Do you smell donuts? I want donuts. Do you want a donut?" He grabs your arm and tugs you along with him. "Let's go get donuts."
You go to the cafeteria, and as Coulson orders himself donuts you decide on a breakfast burrito.
As you sit, you look up to see Coulson has already devoured two donuts.
"Impressive." You laugh, and he looks at you with glaze flakes stuck around his mouth, making you laugh harder.
"What's so funny?" He asks, reaching up to touch his face before he starts laughing too.
"Thanks for telling me earlier." You whisper to him, leaning across the table slightly. He looks at you with a slightly bewildered expression. "I'm no idiot Coulson, I know you let it slip on purpose."
He smiles and gives you a slight nod.
"You know..." You start, leaning back in your chair with a wicked grin. "Steve is coming over tonight to sort of welcome me back. Maybe you could come by?"
Almost choking on a bite of donut, he nods furiously until he can talk. "Yes!! That would be great. Yes yes yes. Please. Yes."
That evening:
You go to unlock your door, but it's already unlocked. You turn to Coulson, who has tagged along excitedly. "Looks like someone's already here."
He can't hold back the giddy smile any longer, he's practically bouncing in his excitement.
You laugh as you open the door. Steve, members from your team, and various others are standing in your apartment yelling surprise.
You turn to Coulson and narrow your eyes at him.
He take a step back and puts his hands up defensively. "Hey, it wasn't me."
"It was my idea." Steve comes up to you and gives you a hug. "Pierce said you passed his last little test, so I thought-" He motions around at the Congratulations sign and various balloons, then shrugs as he starts to blush.
"Thanks Steve." You hug him again. "I love it. Oh! And there's someone I'd like you to meet." You motion to Coulson, who looks like he might faint from pure joy.
"Hi! I'm Phil Coulson, huge fan." They shake hands, but Coulson doesn't let go. "I can't believe I'm finally meeting you. I have all your playing cards." Still shaking his hand. "I can't believe this is real. I'm rambling aren't I? You would tell me if I was randomly wouldn't you? Oh god, I can't shut up." He looks down at his hand still shaking Steve's. "I'm still shaking your hand. I can't quit. Seriously, someone help."
You laugh as Steve drops his hand.
"Always good to meet a fan." Steve smiles at him. "Would you like for me to autograph those cards?"
Coulson just stares at him for a moment in disbelief before shaking himself and digging around in his jacket pockets.
You shake your head, chuckling as Steve signs various things Coulson hands to him. You move to your kitchen and grab a drink as you watch everyone visit amongst themselves. A few guys from your team are hitting on a few girls from the lab, and failing horribly.
You spend the next few hours mingling and receiving various congratulations from everyone before they pile out of your apartment. Coulson thanks you repeatedly for 'completing his life', which makes Steve blush every time.
Steve stays behind to help you clean up, but has to leave soon after.
You find yourself alone in your apartment, staring out your balcony window as you enjoy the light breeze.
You're interrupted by a knocking at your door. Maybe Steve forgot something?
You open the door and see Rumlow. What's even more confusing is he's not wearing combats. You've never actually seen him wear regular clothes, but he's wearing dark jeans and a white t-shirt.
"I missed the party didn't I." He frowns as he looks behind you to your empty apartment.
You smile slightly, torn between being happy to see him and knowing he's just your commander. You stand aside. "Come on in, there's still cake."
He flashes you a small smile as he steps inside your apartment.
You close the door and turn to find him facing you.
"I um.." He scratches the back of his head, then reaches into his back pocket. "I'm not really good at this, so..here." He pulls out a rectangular black box, and holds it out to you.
You look at the box, then glance up to him.
"It's not just a box you know, there's something inside." He holds the box out further for you to take it.
You wrap your fingers around it. Wow. "It's heavy?" You say, slightly confused, but he just grins at you and nods for you to open it.
You slowly remove the lid, and feel your breath catch as you see what's inside. You run your fingertips along the cool metal. First tracing the beautiful swirls and patterns on the hilt, then the length of the blade itself. When closed it was the length of your palm, but the blade was razor sharp and serrated to be deadly.
You look up at Rumlow, and he nods towards the knife. "Flip it over."
You're confused, but you flip it over to see your initials engraved in intricate lettering on the blade.
"You didn't have to." You breathe.
He shrugs and scratches the back of his head.
You tuck the blade in your pocket and wrap your arms around his neck, tightly hugging him. You must have surprised him because it takes him a moment to embrace you in return.
His cologne smells of leather with a hint of pine, it's intoxicating. You reluctantly pull away and attempt to distract yourself. "So how about some cake?"
He nods and follows you to the kitchen. You hand him a plate with a rather large slice and he looks up at you.
You shrug and pout as you point to the three remaining cakes. "There's SO much left. I can't eat it all by myself." You get a second piece, equally large, for yourself and glance at him. "Well...I could, but then I'd get sick."
He laughs and follows you to the balcony.
"How did you score the view?" He asks through a mouth of cake.
You shrug. "All I did was ask if any rooms had a view."
He shakes his head and takes another large bite. You laugh and he smiles back at you, shrugging. "I like cake, alright?"
He helps you tidy up the kitchen, then asks where the restroom is. You point him in the right direction before heading out on the balcony yourself. You lean against the rails and look out towards the water, letting out a breath and smiling to yourself.
You let your hair down and close your eyes to enjoy the breeze. You feel someone watching, and turn to see Rumlow leaned against the door frame. He looks away and scratches the stubble on his jaw.
"I uh..I had better get going." He glances out at the darkening sky. "It's getting pretty late."
You nod and follow to lock the door after him.
He opens the door and turns to face you. "Thanks for the cake." He smiles wraps an arm around your waist to give you a side hug.
You wrap both your arms around his neck, forcing him to fully embrace you. "Thank you for the blade." You squeeze him tight and kiss his cheek before pulling away.
He blushes slightly. Then tries to play it off by clearing his throat and brushing his fingers back through his hair.
"Goodnight Rumlow." You smile, he nods and returns the smile before leaving.
You lock up and sit on your couch, holding the blade he gave you. It really is gorgeous. even if I'm not entirely sure why he gave it to me. You bite your lip and think of how he watched you at the balcony, and of the time you almost kissed. Then you frown. He's my commander. You sigh and lean your head back, closing your eyes. An extremely handsome one though...
You hear a knock at your door, and you rush to answer it, making sure to hide your tank top.
"Hey." Steve smiles as you open the door. He holds up his hands, a bag of food in one, and a bag of movies in the other. "I figured I'd bring a lot so you could pick." He looks down at the assortment of movies.
You both laugh and you step aside, motioning for him to come in.
Dinner was fantastic of course, he had picked up italian from your favorite restaurant. How he knew, you had no idea, but you were now on the couch watching The Breakfast Club.
As it's coming to an end, you glance over to see Steve clutching a pillow to his chest, his eyes tearing up.
You chuckle softly and slide over next to him, leaning your head against his shoulder to comfort him. You feel him move his arm around you and squeeze you gently.
"So." You grin up at him mischievously. "Wanna watch a scary movie now?"
The next morning:
You let him sleep on your couch that night, you could tell he needed a friend to be there for him. When you wake up, you almost forget about him being on your couch. You walk out of your room in your Captain America pajamas, and see Steve sprawled across the couch. Good thing I splurged for a huge couch... You think to yourself, although Steve still has one arm hanging off the edge. You chuckle softly and pad into the kitchen to make breakfast.
You hear Steve walk into the kitchen as you're setting the table.
"Are those...me pajamas?" He asks.
You can't help but laugh and blush. "They're Captain America pajamas." You correct him.
"Yeah." He smiles and points to himself. "Me."
You both laugh.
"You look really cute." He says, and now you both blush.
"I didn't know what you liked really." You say to him, smiling. "So I sort of just went with everything breakfast-y."
He laughs at the overflowing table of food, eggs, bacon, waffles, pancakes, sausage, biscuits, and orange juice. Then rubs his hands together excitedly as he sits at the table.
"Seriously?" You laugh. "I had one plate, there was a lot of food on that table Steve. I'm not sure where you put it all." You look back at the now empty table, then back to Steve.
He shrugs and smiles, rubbing his stomach. "Super soldier remember?" You both laugh. "It was really good though!"
He's helping you clean the kitchen when you hear a knock at the door. You splash Steve with a little water before heading to see who it could be. He gives you a serious face and points at you as if saying 'Hey, knock it off missy.' You laugh and open the door.
"Agent." Rumlow's deep voice was laced with a hint of irritation, his eyes traveled down to see your pajamas. However, his face was rigid and emotionless.
"Rumlow." You say, the pain in your voice more evident than you would have liked. He looks up into your eyes and for a moment you see him soften, but then Steve comes around the corner.
"Hey it's Rumlow. What's up?" Steve asks cheerfully as he comes to stand by you.
Rumlow nods at him briefly before turning his attention back to you, his features hardened again. "Meet me in the sparring arena, 10 minutes."
Then he was gone.
"Wow." Steve said. "That guy never smiles." Then he looks at you. "You better get movin' if you wanna be down there in 10 minutes!"
He laughs as you scurry off to your room, almost slipping in the process.
You stretch your hands groggily above your head, yawning as you pad past a sleeping Steve on your couch and into the kitchen.
You don't quite feel like cooking so you decide on some old fashioned oatmeal. You hear Steve behind you and turn to face him, almost running directly into his bare chest.
"Oh, well good morning then." You say quickly as you turn back to the oatmeal. "Want some?"
"That smells fantastic, what all is it?" He asks, standing beside you to inspect as you start to make a separate bowl for him.
"It's just plain oats with peanut butter, honey, and some cinnamon." Once it's done you hand him his bowl, and he smells it appreciatively.
"It's strange how much this reminds me of home..." He mutters, a small smile on his face as holds the bowl protectively close.
You chuckle and hand him a spoon. "You gonna eat that or just cuddle with it?"
He smiles at you, a small blush playing across his cheeks as he takes the spoon from you.
Just as you finish cleaning up the kitchen -with Steve's gentlemanly help of course- you hear your phone vibrate. You furrow your brows and reach across the counter to check the text, 'TEAM' lights up across the screen. You groan and force yourself to open the message; "Meeting, STRIKE conference room B Level 2. 10 a.m."
You sigh and turn to Steve, about to apologize and explain that you have to leave, but notice that he's looking at his phone as well.
You catch each others gaze, asking in unison, "You too?"
After a small smirk from the both of you, he furrows his brows. "Weird."
"Definitely." You agree. "I'm gonna change into my combats, and-" You turn to face him, meaning to ask him if he wanted to meet up after you were both ready. Your breath catches slightly before you shake yourself, forcing yourself to look him in the eye. "You seriously need a shirt."
You hear his laughter behind you as you hurry into your room, searching for a clean set of combats.
You quickly change and glance at your watch, you had allowed yourself to sleep in a little so it was already 9:30. Shit.
You step outside your room and dart to your counter, grabbing your old knife instinctively.
You move to hook it in the back of your pants as usual, but hesitate as you glance down at the knife Brock had given you. You hear someone clear their throat behind you, making you jump and turn to face a chuckling Steve.
"I didn't mean to scare you, I said your name several times but you were so engrossed in that," He moves closer, motioning to the blade Brock had gotten you. "I guess you didn't even hear me." He leans closer to inspect it. "Where'd you get this? This is really amazing." He motions to the engraving of your initials.
You shrug and move away. "It was a gift."
Steve straightens up and gives you a confused look. "Boyfriend?..." He asks nervously.
You shake your head and give him a weak smile. "It was just Brock."
"Brock?" He furrows his brows, his confusion seeming to have only deepened. He glances at the floor, seemingly deep in thought, before his gaze shoots back up to meet yours with wide eyes. "Rumlow got you that?"
You shrug and open your door, Steve following you into the hallway towards the meeting.
"Don't just ignore that question." He walks beside you, nudging you slightly with his elbow. "Brock Rumlow gave you that? Why?"
You shrug once more. "Was a gift for when I passed Pierce's last little test with Phil." You smile lightly at the thought of the time spent with the agent. "He really likes you. Has a bit of a man-crush if you ask me." You wiggle your brows at him, but he only purses his lips.
"Don't change the subject." He says flatly.
You sigh and press the button for the elevator, rolling your shoulders in an attempt to relieve some of the building tension. "It's not a big deal, just him trying to act like he cares I guess. Make a good impression so I'll be more comfortable following his orders and stuff. Build trust. I don't know. Just a knife. I have my own already."
Upon entering the conference room you see Brock and Pierce at the head of the room, their conversation ceasing as soon as they notice you and Steve.
"Agent. Captain." Pierce says, nodding to the both of you. "Now that we're all here I believe we can begin."
You and Steve glance around, seeing no one else present which only further confuses the two of you.
If either Pierce or Brock notices, they don't say anything.
You hesitantly take your seat, Steve doing the same, and Pierce turns off the lights to begin a slideshow.
A photo of your former team member Jack Rollins fills up the screen, and you shift uneasily in your seat.
"We have reason to believe that former Agent Rollins has leaked special SHIELD information, as well as possible STRIKE operations to outside sources." Pierce begins. "I called you here specifically because I needed people I can trust on this, and you," He looks directly at you, his glare intimidating, but you try to hold his gaze confidently. "You're what made him snap, so I wanted you in on this as well. This is what I meant when I said I had something special lined up for you." He flips through the next few slides; all various incriminating photos of Rollins with known enemies of SHIELD. "I have the research team working on a few things before I want to send any of you after him, but keep your eyes open and be prepared to leave at any time. Don't trust anyone who isn't in this room, and make sure to keep in contact with each other. That is all until further notice." Pierce nods and is the first to leave, as always.
That Night:
You can't sleep, so you finally give up and slip on some jogging pants and a hoodie before making your way down to the gym.
You're not much for running, sure it breaks down your fat but it also breaks down your muscle when you do it too often. You're naturally very tall and lean, so you stick to the weights to keep up your strength and muscle tone. Great outlet too... You think to yourself as you enter the gym, instinct carrying you towards the weight rack as you're deep in thought.
Once you're done with your warm-up you move up to heavier weight, all the while contemplating how Rollins had gone so bad, or was he ever even good?
You frown slightly, re-racking the weights once you finish your set. You turn to move towards the fountain, but see Brock coming down the stairs.
You walk towards him, deciding you don't want to be mad at the man. He never promised he'd stick around, you knew what you were getting into.You tell yourself, gathering the courage to smile and greet him as he stops before you.
He simply nods sharply in acknowledgement, "Need something?"
"Um. No...I-" You hesitate, slightly taken by surprise at how cold he really was. "I just wanted to say 'hi' and tell you not to worry about the other night." You shrug, cursing yourself internally for letting that last bit slip.
He snorts and shakes his head, chuckling as he replies, "I wasn't."
You nod solemnly. "Oh. Well alright then." You glance down and clear your throat, hoping the stinging in your eyes doesn't turn to tears in front of him. You knew he might turn out like this, but actually dealing with it was harder than you thought it would be. Normally it didn't bother you, hell I'm usually the one not wanting to get emotionally involved... but there was something about him that had you mixed up inside. "See ya Rumlow."
You plug your headphones back in, and return to your workout, not once looking back.
It has been over a week since your run in with Brock at the gym, and he seemed to be going to great lengths to avoid you. You aren't sure if you did something, or if this is just how he really is now that he's gotten what he wanted from you.
You're stirred from your thoughts as Lauren ushers you to enter Pierce's office. You close the door behind you and take your usual seat in front of his desk, glad it's only the two of you today. Or just glad Brock isn't here...
"I've decided to send you." Pierce speaks, not looking up from his paperwork.
You're slightly bewildered, hoping he doesn't mean what you think he does. "Excuse me, sir?"
"You." He glances up and removes his glasses, folding his hands on the desk patiently. "I'm sending you after Rollins."
You nod slowly, your worries now confirmed. You clear your throat and sit up straight before asking, "When will we be leaving sir?"
The corner of his mouth twitches up slightly as he shakes his head. "I'm afraid you misunderstand Agent, I'm only sending you. You will leave immediately"
You feel your chest tighten nervously, but manage to mutter a 'yes sir' as he returns to his paperwork. You know very well that the meeting is over, and return to your room to prepare.
6 weeks later, Brock POV:
Why isn't she back yet?! Why did Pierce send her? He should have sent me...or even Cap, but not her!
I burst through the door to Pierce's office, ignoring the worried ramblings of Lauren from behind her desk as I shut -and lock- the door behind me.
I turn to face him, seeing only a calm smile on his face as he looks up from his work.
"I wasn't aware we had a meeting, Rumlow." He says, calmly motioning for me to sit.
"Have you heard anything from her?" I ask, the worry in my voice definitely more obvious than I would like.
He sighs and leans back in his chair, motioning again to the seat in front of his desk. "Take a seat."
I simply shake my head and wait patiently for him to answer, exactly how much of that patience I have left...I'm not so sure.
He purses his lips before speaking again. "Trust me. You need to take a seat before I tell you anything.
My breath catches, and a sharp pain radiates from my chest as I oblige and sit down.
"We lost contact a few days ago." He begins. "We have reason to believe she has been captured, and may be dead if not worse."
She's probably being tortured for more information.. I grip the arms of the chair and my jaw clenches as I try to retrain my anger. I can feel how uneven my breathing is, and the vein in my forehead thumping. I lean forward, taking a several deep breaths to level my head before speaking. "You sent her. This is your fault, now you have to make it right." I can hear my voice growing louder as I lose control on my anger. "You have to help her!"
Pierce sighs again and shakes his head. "There's nothing I can do right now, Brock. I've sent in someone to see if she's even alive, and if she is we will go from there. Until then, I suggest you remember your place."
I stand quickly, causing the chair to fall back behind me and Pierce to narrow his eyes as I lean over his desk towards him. "If you don't find her soon, I'm going after her myself."
I don't wait for a response, but instead storm out and slam the door behind me.
Your POV:
You lost contact with HQ some time ago, looks like I'm on my own.
Tracking down Rollins had been easy, but there was much more to this than Pierce had known; Rollins wasn't a disgruntled ex-employee, he had been a spy. His whole career in SHIELD had just been a rouse to get information, an opportunity that you ruined for him. Needless to say...you can't let him catch you snooping around.
You've gotten more than enough evidence for HQ, and now you need to finish your initial mission; take out Rollins.
He's finally alone tonight, a moment you've been waiting weeks for, and you're not going to pass it up.
You lower yourself down from your perch quietly, making sure to stay in the shadows as you creep closer to Rollins. You draw your gun silently, and take aim. Your finger pulls on the trigger slightly, but you hesitate as you feel something press against the back of your head.
"Up." You hear a deep voice say, giving you no choice but to stand.
The man behind you takes your gun, and shoves you forward towards a waiting Rollins.
Fuck...
"Hey buddy, long time no see." You smile.
You feel the back of his hand across your cheek, sending you to the ground and leaving a nasty cut from his glove.
"Okay, so I see you still haven't found a sense of humor." You chuckle, as you slowly stand up again.
"I'm glad you're the one they sent, it makes killing you so much easier." He growls.
He moves to punch you, but you dodge his blow and grab his wrist, keeping a firm grip as you turn and kick his ribs. The leverage his arm provided allowed your kick to hit much harder, knocking him to the ground where you leave him to turn your attention to the other man.
He's aiming a gun at you, your own gun to be exact. That's just messed up.
You rush forward, grabbing his wrist and pulling him towards you as you turn out of the line of fire to knock him off balance as you grab the barrel of the gun to disarm him. You waste no time in turning the gun on him, killing him without a second thought.
You turn in time to see Rollins rushing towards you. You lift your gun but he kicks it out of your hand, then wraps his hands around your neck. You grip his wrists pulling them outwards as you bring your knee up between his legs, causing him to double over in pain.
You move for your gun, but he's on you just before you reach it. He kicks your legs out from under you causing you to slam to the ground, but you kick his knee so that he falls beside you.
You quickly try to catch your breath as you stumble to your feet, and drive your fist down to his chest making his gasp. You wrap your hands around his throat, slamming his head back against the concrete floor several times.
You feel one of his hands at your back, but before you have time to react you feel something warm running down your side. You fall over onto your back, gasping for air as you look down at your own blade protruding from your side. You grip the hilt and let out a growl like sound as you pull it from your body.
You clench your jaw, attempting to steady your breathing as you see Rollins making his way for your gun across the floor.
You gasp in pain as you press your way back up to your feet, gripping your blade tight as you stalk your way towards Rollins. You use any energy you have left to drive the blade into his back, puncturing one of his lungs and bringing him to his knees as he struggles to get enough air. You yank the blade out forcefully, then drag it across his throat to finish the job.
You wipe your blade off on his shirt, and replace both it as well as your gun in their rightful places.
You turn back to the other man you killed, and search his pockets until you find what you were looking for; keys. You hold your side as you make your way to the collection of SUVs just outside, and search each one until you finally find which one the keys unlock.
Time to go home.
Brock's POV:
I take the last bite of my sandwich, and throw away the wrapper as I make my way out of the cafeteria. The meeting with Pierce hadn't gone well, but I'd give him another day to find her before going after her myself. Hopefully she can hold out that long.
I hear a commotion behind me, and open the door back to the cafeteria to see a crowd gathering at the windows. I rush over, forcing my way between people to look out the window for myself. A black SUV -definitely not one of ours- is making its way onto HQ property, but it's swerving dangerously and succeeds only in crashing into a pillar outside.
I rush out the doors and down the stairs towards the SUV, gun drawn as I approach cautiously.
"Get out with your hands up!" I bark, slowly stepping around to the driver's side to pull them out if I have to.
The windows are tinted, and I can't see a thing inside.
I move to step closer, but end up stepping back further as I hear the door click and start to open.
I steady my footing and take aim for whoever steps out, but nothing could have prepared me for who falls out onto the ground.
It was her. She's alive! ....right?... shit..
"Call a medic!" I yell to the growing crowd now at the steps as I place my gun back in its holster.
I rush forward and kneel beside her, turning her over gently to check her neck for a pulse. It's there, but faint. I pull her onto my lap and brush the hair out of her face, revealing several cuts and bruises across her gorgeous features.
I feel my eyes start to sting, and my breath catch in my throat as I look down to her bloodstained shirt and see just how injured she is. I quickly press my hand to her side, hoping it's not too late.
"I'm so sorry, this is all my fault. I shouldn't have ever let you go alone. I shouldn't have suggested you to Pierce." I look at her face again, knowing she's unconscious but feeling the need to apologize anyway. I sniff and bite the inside of my cheek as I look down at my hand, now covered in her blood as I try to keep the pressure on her wound. "I should have come after you. I can't lose you.."
The medic team finally shows up, and kneels beside us.
"Sir." I hear a man talking, but don't really pay attention. I'm focused on her face as I run my free hand through her hair. "Sir..." He speaks again. "We need to take her. If we don't get her in now, she might die."
I look up briefly, nodding as the others come to help take her.
As they lift her out of my arms I can't help but feel alone.
My breath catches as I see her limp body being taken onto the Med truck for transport, I rush forward and thankfully the medics pause for a moment. Just long enough for me to place a soft kiss on her forehead before they take her away.
I'm left standing there, alone... I look down to see myself covered in her blood, and I feel a sick knot in my stomach as I fall to my knees.
