MAYBE WORSE THAN MY IMMORTAL??? CRUDEAU (not removing author’s notes, sorry guys) Part 1 part 1.
I met him during a college debate, and did I ever HATE the guy! He looked so smug, so arrogant, like he was going to be Prime Minister one day. How could a guy like that exist in CANADA of all places? It just wasn’t possible.
After the debate, we shook hands. They were rough and warm, obviously, he was good with them. I looked him straight in the eye and noticed a glimmer of hidden niceness, something not noticeable from across the debate hall. I decided to request his friendship and he accepted.
Then it all started to go downhill.
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It was just after the Zodiac Killer had stopped killing, I was at Justin’s house and we were watching T.V. when a news report came on stating that a murder similar to those of the 1960’s serial killer had been discovered.
I looked him straight in the eye and said, “J.T....somebody’s gotta stop him.”
“Teddio, no, you’ll get killed! If this guy is really the Zodiac Killer, he’ll have your head, bro!”
“As long as he’s out there, many Americans are going to be killed and I refuse to let that happen, J.T.! I refuse!”
~(lol third person perspective change)~
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“Teddy! Everybody is saying that you’re the Zodiac Killer! Is this true?” Justin asked with immense concern.
If it was true, then their friendship could be no more. It wouldn’t do for the Prime Minister of Canada to be friends with a serial killer, especially since he was trying to be just as great of a Prime Minister as his father, Pierre Elliott Trudeau.
Ted looked at Justin. Surely, he would trust Ted enough to know that he is not the Zodiac Killer and that it is just a dumb, overused Internet meme. But then again, this is Justin Trudeau, who is expected to be just as great as his father. This man is the Prime Minister of the gayest country on Planet Earth. (Though their bromanship was secret, it would be disastrous for the both of them if someone were to find out about it, Justin would more than likely lose the next Canadian Federal Election and Harper would swoop in and regain control of Canada; and Ted would face even more ridicule than he already did from the butter cow meme. It’s a sin for an American federal Election Candidate to befriend the Canadian Prime Minister before he gains Presidency. No, he must keep it as good of a secret as he possibly can.)
“J.T., do you honestly think I’m the Zodiac Killer? After everything we’ve been through, do you really THINK that I would kill people? I wasn’t even born when the Zodiac Killer was active, bro!” exclaimed Ted, brimming with irritation.
“Teddybear, of course I don’t think that! I just…” Justin struggled to find the right words, “I just NEED to make sure. I need to know that you are who you say you are. You’re my bro, bro!”
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“Umf, HARDER!” screamed Justin, for the couch was wide and hard to push out the door.
Ted pushed as hard as he could, but the couch just wouldn’t move, “you know,” he grunted, “I’m not serving in office because I desperately need ninety-nine friends in the U.S. Senate, and the only friend I have is you, bro.”
“Bro…” Justin stammered, sweat dripping onto his brow, “It’s so tight...I can’t stand it...ARGH!” Justin let go of the couch and stormed to the water bar to get a sip of water.
“I’m being for real, J.T. I don’t have enough friends. I’ll never be elected!”
“Teddster, just think of it this way, you have so many memes that everybody pities you. You will get more pity votes than Jeb, bro,” justin paused and looked Ted in the eyes, “I believe in you.” He put his hand on Ted’s shoulder and smiled (which caused his eyes to light up and his cheeks to dimple. Justin Trudeau is truly an adorable man.).
Simply put, Ted’s only obstacle in winning the Presidency was Donald Trump. If Trump was gone, he would be able to win. But if Trump went missing, it would cause too much suspicion. Nobody could know the truth about Ted. Nobody could know about how he always seemed to get his way.
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(I’m going to keep changing the formatting. Deal with it.)
It flopped. My speech flopped. I’ve lost my candidacy. I am no more.
Ted walked through the streets with his head bent low, reaching into his pocket to grab his phone. 20 missed calls and 78 texts from Justin, who was concerned for his friend. Justin was the only one Ted could trust for comfort; for not even his wife could handle his great loss. She would be taking the children and the many cans of soup to a separate hotel for the night since she couldn’t even look at him.
But Ted wasn’t ready to call Justin yet. No, he had something else to do, something far more satisfying.
But he had to keep it a secret, nobody could know about his secret hobby. It would be terrible press if anybody ever found out. Yes, it is true, his hobby was indeed THAT bad.
First, he went back to his room and researched his favourite topic; the Zodiac Killer. Ted was fascinated by this man who had slipped past law enforcement and left taunting letters, killing people according to their zodiac symbols. To Ted, the Zodiac Killer was far more interesting than Jack the Ripper or Jeffrey Dahmer. They were amateurs compared to his beloved Zodiac Killer. Some would say he was obsessed; more obsessed than he was of memes of himself.
After browsing Zodiac Killer articles, Ted looked at his meme status. The memes were getting worse. The once innocent butter cow meme had turned into a meme accusing him of being the Zodiac Killer. Idiots, he thought to himself as he scrolled down his secret Tumblr.
After logging off, Ted stood up and left his room. He went out to partake in his secret hobby.
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