Yesterday, I enlisted @crystalandrock to help me with setting some positions in my fantasy football lineup. As a Shakespeare-loving English nerd with approximately zero interest in football, she advised me entirely based on her opinion of my players' names. I fully expected this to be the case, but her assessments were so A+ that I ended up asking her to rate the name of every player on my team.
Andrew Luck - Luck is a great last name, plenty of opportunity for jokes and even more for fantastic newspaper headlines. Andrew is kinda plain, but it works well with Luck and evokes the sense that he's just an all-around good guy. Solid. 7/10.
Tim Hightower - Originally was going to be a 5/10, because Hightower sounds so dramatic and high fantasy, but then Tim is so anticlimactic. But on further consideration, maybe he’s like Tim from Monty Python. Maybe the anticlimactic Tim is the whole point. I bet that’s how he introduces himself - “My name… is Hightower. TIM Hightower.” Classy. 9/10.
Doug Martin - Doug and Martin, both very plain names, both usable as first names. Insincere with the plainness that works so well for Andrew Luck. I also want to call him Doc Martin, but that’s not his name, that’s a TV show. MISLEADING. Too much effort, not enough results. 4/10.
Donte Moncrief - This is legitimately the coolest name I have ever heard. Donte Moncrief is an action hero. Donte Moncrief is the protagonist of the new hit game. Donte Moncrief is my inspiration. 10/10
Tyrell Williams - Williams is kinda boring, but it does remind me of Shakespeare, which I suppose is a plus. I would watch Shakespeare play football. Tyrell is a good name and complements the surname, good package deal. 6.5/10.
Zach Ertz - dangerous name in football, sounds like "Zach Hurts." That will mostly be used against him by the opposing team. Kinda hard to say with the monosyllables, harshness in the name that ain't workin'. 2/10.
Thomas Rawls - Rawls is another name that's really fun to say, has substance. Thomas Rawwwls... it sounds like a well-to-do southern gentleman but maybe also with some cowboy elements. Two clashing elements that he makes work. 8/10.
Stephen Gostkowski - Ghost.... cow... ski. Aesthetically not a great name, but a great 10-year-old boy self-insert character name. And I do wanna see that ghost cow ski. I'd rather watch that than football, honestly. 7/10.
DeSean Jackson - I just can't get the flow. It's okay, it has potential, but it's not fully realized. Jackson's bad. There's Andrew Jackson who I hate, and Michael Jackson who is fine but I don't like his music and everyone else does which is annoying. 4.5/10.
Demaryius Thomas - Off to a good start: Demaryius is a cool name, but it does sound kind of like demerit, which might be kinda bad in sports. Kinda loses steam to Thomas. Thomas worked as a first name for Rawls, but doesn't have the strength to carry us through. 6/10.
Kirk Cousins - It's got good alliteration, and Kirk is a good start, it has a sort of noir feel to it, like Sam Spade, with the alliteration. Cousins is just so happy/friendly welcoming that it kinda undoes the noir darkness. Not as grimdark as I want him to be. 7.5/10.
Rishard Matthews - Rishard is pretty cool, sounds like a special magical artifact with its own intelligence/legend behind it. A good start.Maybe I've just known a lot of nerdy Matthews, but Matthews feels inherently nerdy to me (also kinda biblical I guess but whatever), which maybe works with the fantasy artifact vibe. Fantasy DnD blended with the commonplace Matt on the street. I'm down for that. 7/10.
Eric Ebron - Got some more alliteration, this time not with consonants which changes things a bit, still good though. If you squish it together it's kinda fun to say. Maybe I wanna make an upbeat Irish jig about Eric Ebron. Rolls off the tongue, doesn't really conjure the image of football, though I'm not sure what name would. 8/10.
Tevin Coleman - Tevin's pretty cool, it's like Kevin but cooler. More unique. Rhymes with heaven, always a plus: doin' a Hail Mary pass, maybe that helps, I don't know, I don't understand sports, but I'd like to think that divine intervention would be evoked by rhyming names, so that's a good start. Coleman is a pretty standard name, makes me think of mining rather than football, but a miner needs to be strong and that's who I'd want on my football team. 7/10.
Kenneth Dixon - Well, the last name's a bit unfortunate. Again, it's a name that lends itself better to enemies mocking rather than allies motivated to battle. I dunno, maybe football players would be motivated by people just shouting "dicks." I want his name to be Kevin instead of Kenneth, maybe because I've got Tevin on the brain. Kenneth doesn't sound like football to me. I think Kenneth needs to go on a very soothing fishing trip with his niece as the sun goes down. If he's doing that, he doesn't have time for football. His niece is more important to him than the game. He's got a good heart, but he's not who you'd want on your football team. 4/10.
