#cuhrse

[cuhrse]

dear ...,

i haven't had proper sleep since thursday because i know you'll show up in my dreams and i don't think i can handle that. i'm sad that you left me but i'm madder at you for not even wanting to work on us anymore. all i ever wanted from you was a little attention but i guess that was too much to ask from a man with your kind of dreams.

honestly speaking though, i never meant or even thought of making you pick between me and your dreams, or to hold you back from pursuing them. just know that i only meant to be your rock and support you. but i guess you're right, the right-person-wrong-time thing works here.

i'll miss you a lot. i'll miss a lot of the things you do. i'll miss the things we used to do together. it just sucks that we had to end before we could go back to doing those things again; i barely remember what they felt like. i know you'd hoped that i look back at our relationship fondly, and i'll try my best at that. but truthfully, remembering the ugly things will just make it easier for me to accept the fact that you're not with me anymore.

the last thing i want to say is thank you for loving me. and thank you for caring for me even when it was hard at the end. just remember that as much as you loved me, i've always loved you more.

your baby,

mia

p/s: i hope you enjoy your birthday present

[cuhrse]

you know when you look at a single word for a while, it suddenly seems like it doesnt make sense? for me, i always look at the word 'because' for way too long and for some reason it just looks weird. just look at the word: 'be' + 'cause'??? each of the letters have a specific way of pronunciation but why does the combination of the letters make up a different pronunciation? and it makes up a word that actually means something?? and that whole thought just wrinkles my brain for a good minute. and then i read the letters as a whole again and im like "oh..." its a word with actual meaning that i can understand. this word makes perfect sense.

i dont know why sometimes i just forget that im beautiful. in those times, i look at myself in the mirror and i just think "oh my god, i am so fucking ugly." and i overanalyse every single aspect of my face as individual counterparts. i look at my eyes and how the little eyelid space i have doesnt allow me to draw a perfect winged liner on them. i look at my nose which is supposed to act as the tip of my face but for some reason is rounded and lacks any bridge that gives a nose definition. i look at my lips and see the uneven and asymmetrical mess it is; why are my upper lips bigger than my lower lip??? i look at my cheeks and hate the way they point outwards, making my face look bigger than it actually is.

and then on other days i realise im so stupid to be thinking im ugly. but you know, its just so hard to remember that i need to stop looking at my features as separate entities. theyre all a part of a bigger picture: me. i also realise that sounds corny as hell but this is truly the key to seeing yourself as beatiful (besides to stop comparing yourself to other people). know that the different features of your face makes up one cohesive person. so what if my eyes are small and my nose is flat and my lips are crooked? nothing on my face looks like it out of place or doesnt belong there. theyve all coordinated together to make me. and the combination is beautiful. my face makes perfect sense.