🔥 Day 2 at the Institution of Eldritch Academia – Congratulations, You’re F*cked 🔥
Welcome Back, You Poor, Unfortunate Bastard.
If you’re reading this, it means you survived Day 1. That’s honestly a shock.
Statistically, at least 6% of the first-year class disappears within the first 24 hours. (And by "disappears," we mean either digested, possessed, or screaming somewhere between dimensions.) But hey, congrats on dodging the first culling! 🎉
Now, let’s get to Day 2. It’s orientation time, baby—or as the upperclassmen call it, “Figure out how f*cked you really are” day.
🔮 Mandatory Course #1: Practical Necromancy – or How to Be Your Own Emergency Contact
💀 Professor: Dr. Alzareth (Decomposing, but still tenured) 💀 Syllabus: ✔ How to reanimate yourself after a “mishap.” ✔ Basic corpse etiquette – stop leaving body parts in communal spaces. ✔ What to do when your summoned undead decides it doesn’t like taking orders.
🔥 Important: If you hear whispering voices during the lecture, DO NOT ANSWER. That’s not participation. That’s how the VOID CLAIMS YOUR SOUL.
📖 Textbook: “Raising the Dead for Dummies (And By Dummies, We Mean Future Corpses)”
📌 Excerpt: “Congratulations! If you’re reading this, it means your first resurrection attempt has likely failed, and you are now the proud parent of an abomination that despises your existence. We’ll walk you through how to fix your mistakes—or at least, how to blame someone else.”
🩸 Mandatory Course #2: Blood Magic – Read the Fine Print Before You Start Bleeding
🧛 Professor: Lady Varossa (Last seen in mirrors only.) 🧛 Syllabus: ✔ The difference between a life-saving blood ritual and a dumbass goth phase. ✔ How much of your own blood you can lose before “oops, too much.” ✔ When that contract says “firstborn,” we mean it.
🔥 IMPORTANT: If your blood starts boiling mid-lecture, congrats! You’ve been marked for something. No, you don’t get to know what.
📖 Textbook: “Bleed Responsibly – A Beginner’s Guide to Not F*cking Dying”
📌 Excerpt: “Remember, kids, there’s a difference between ‘I sacrificed some blood for knowledge’ and ‘I am now legally owned by a deity I didn’t research.’ If you feel faint, consume iron. If you feel whispers in your skull, that’s your problem now.”
🕳️ Mandatory Course #3: Dimensional Studies – What’s That Thing Crawling Out of the Ceiling?
👁️ Professor: Unnamed Entity (Office located somewhere between time and space.) 👁️ Syllabus: ✔ Portal etiquette – don’t f*cking touch things. ✔ How to tell if you’ve been replaced by a doppelgänger. ✔ Signs that you’ve “accidentally” merged realities.
🔥 WARNING: If you blink and find yourself in a version of the classroom where everyone is slightly wrong, you failed the homework assignment.
📖 Textbook: “So You’ve Opened a Portal: 10 Steps to Undoing Your Dumbass Mistake”
📌 Excerpt: “If you hear whispers coming from a door that wasn’t there yesterday, DO NOT INVESTIGATE. That is not an invitation. That is the void testing your survival instincts.”
💀 Daily Survival Tips (Read These If You Like Breathing)
1️⃣ DO NOT eat anything offered by the faculty. It’s not food. 2️⃣ If you hear scratching inside your dorm walls, don’t acknowledge it. It gets bolder. 3️⃣ Midnight "study groups" in the graveyard are not about studying. They are about sacrifices. If you’re invited, you are the sacrifice. 4️⃣ If the Librarian asks if you want to “see true knowledge,” the answer is NO. 5️⃣ The janitor is older than the school itself. He is not human. Do not disrespect him.
🔥 Student Testimonials – Because We Care (Legally, We Don’t)
📝 “I was a bio major before this. Now I’m legally dead in three dimensions but getting straight A’s, so I guess it’s a win?” – Greg, Yr 2 📝 “I failed my first necromancy quiz. My professor reanimated me and told me to do better. I think I respect him now.” – Selene, Yr 1 📝 “I blinked in Dimensional Studies and woke up in a version of reality where my roommate is a horse. Not sure if that’s better or worse.” – Jake, Yr 3
🔥 Final Verdict: If You’re Still Alive by Day 3, You’re Doing Something Wrong
✔ Survival isn’t guaranteed. ✔ Your GPA doesn’t matter if you get consumed by eldritch horrors first. ✔ If you want to drop out, too f*cking bad.
💀 See you in class. Or in whatever reality you end up in.
🔥 REBLOG if you’d enroll just for the chaos. 💬 COMMENT if you think you’d survive past midterms. 🚀 FOLLOW for more no-bullsh*t takes on cursed academia.