#d: diary

[blackswan-andromeda]

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sometimes i wonder how P and i happened. not literally of course - i know that. just...how in the world are we who we are? in this family? 

B, C, and R fit right in for better or worse. and i love them all truly, but they make sense. pan and I never really have. 

at least we have each other. it's funny - much as my parents wanted a son i never really wanted a brother. i was perfectly happy with B and C. but pan is more like my brother than my cousin. 

if i said i didnt worry about us sometimes it'd be a lie. there's not many options. either we grin and bear it all or we leave. if we grin and bear it we're miserable. if we leave...there's no going back. 

we've seen the tapestry. the big black marks. like bruises. holes literally torn in the literal family tapestry. 

merlin, why do we have to be so literal?! 

anyway going to meet pan&friends for a bit in hogsmeade. maybe i'll make pan get me honeydukes since he owes me for saving him from filch. in fact, i think i will. ha. 

[blackswan-andromeda]

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went to aunt and uncle's in london today - as always, wish they could have come to the manor. it's so...stuffy, there. not that it isn't a beautiful house, it's just...all those house elves on the walls! i much prefer father's swans. 

vastly prefer them, in fact. they might be mean, but at least they're not severed heads. 

i don't know how the boys don't go absolutely insane.

not that any of that really matters. being with P and R makes up for it. everything always feels better when we're all together. 

i always spend so much time with P and less with R - R and C always spend more time together, anyway. but since i twisted my ankle on the garden stair the other day, i wasn't up to much walking around - when P and B and C decided to get out of the house, i was rather stuck. R stayed  to keep me company because he's absolutely wonderful. not that i blame P for wanting to leave - i would too if i spent my whole life there. 

R played piano with me - it was like when we were little and used to just play all together. it was just fun. no expectations, no "behave yourselves!" from the parents, just R and me playing music and laughing when i (because it was always me) missed a note or played the wrong one. 

i hope R never changes. i love him too much the way he is. sometimes i worry what aunt and uncle might make him into. at least for now he's our R. and hopefully he always will be.

[blackswan-andromeda]

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October 25, 1974

managed to (literally) run into an old hogwarts friend/acquaintance in DA. sp was in ravenclaw - didn't exactly have the same circle of friends - but he was always very kind. i remember that. he used to stand up for the younger years/muggleborns even as people like me stood by uselessly.

 I remember thinking about that as I was leaving home - how if one person could stand up for others like that, I could do something like this. 

Anyway, it was good to see him. He was just as kind as I remember - I hope to see him more often. I regret not speaking to him more at school. I suppose I was always too busy trying to talk to everyone. 

[blackswan-andromeda]

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(ooc: any entries seen without dates are Andie's Hogwarts days. Because she just wasn't paying attention to them, but mostly because dates+me=disaster)

getting tired of sneaking around. B is bound to catch me eventually. but seeing T makes it worth it. it's starting to scare me, thought - that such a thing can be true. 

anyway, T took me to the Puff CR after hogs trip. where they gave me even more butterbeer. never have been drunk off the stuff before (i'm not a house elf) but i guess there's a first time for everything. they just kept putting another bottle in my hand. they're too nice for my own good. who knows how much i had? except maybe T. maybe he was counting. will probably never live it down. least it wasn't firewhiskey.

wound up stepping on some poor soul's foot in the midst of it. me and my butterbeery self. he was sweet about it though, poor thing. he had kind of a funny name, but it fit for a hufflepuff. can't call him C - that's taken. ugh. figure that out later. we talked about lots of things. he asked about my family which was kind of surprising. i think he half expected me to say they all had fangs and slept in coffins. was actually quite a nice conversation after that. rather hope we run into each other again - he seems like the best kind of friend to have. 

[blackswan-andromeda]

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June 01,1978

Can't help but return to the topic of A&A. They're younger than me - I watched their Sorting in sixth year. Never one without the other. I couldn't help but wonder where her other was. 

R and C spent more time with Ao than I did. Always found her more likeable than As - he's the one that made me uneasy. I never liked the look of his eyes. Even when he was only eleven. 

Wouldn't be surprised if one or both are branded. there are so many children fighting in this war

[blackswan-andromeda]

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June 13, 1978 

Ran into someone else at F&B. Maybe I should stop going there…

M was buying a book for C. Trying to, anyway. He would’ve been better off elsewhere. I never could get C to read as much as me. 

Might have been mistaken in giving him the book I did. Should have just bought it myself.Maybe she won’t recognize it. 

I used to read it all the time at Uncle’s - my favorite of his. Haven’t seen such a beautiful copy since. Until today. 

Gave it to M to give to C. He made me angry. Tried to hide it but the proof is in the book. Thought maybe he’d change his mind about memories. 

oh Merlin. Such a headache. I feel rather bad about it. 

but not bad enough to send him an owl about it

[blackswan-andromeda]

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August 18, 1973

stopped in at 3 again to see red - don't know what i'd do w/o her. 

i've never had a friend like her before, not quite. lots of friends in hw yes but not quite like this. obvious, i suppose. most of them are gone now. 

she's kind to me. always lets me say what i need to say, even when i don't quite know what that is.and then gives the best advice. all while keeping 3 running.  i don't know how she does it.

hopefully one day we'll be able to talk about something other than Them.

[blackswan-andromeda]

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June 01. 1978

Went for a walk, today. Much as I love the house, the walls were starting to close in - went down through the paths. Hardly see anyone there, but nearly ran into A.C. on the way. Painting, I think. Seems quite talented - the colors were lovely, and the lines were almost perfect.

Only just dodged down a different path before she saw. 

There was always something odd about A&A. Still can't put my finger on it. Still, they're typical purebloods and didn't feel like having a conversation. I had a feeling it wouldn't have been about art.