10.12.25
Everyone is getting ready for graduation
Planning who they’ll invite and what dresses they’ll wear
In the commons they are talking about sitting with their mom and dad, planning for the future
At commencement every person is given 2 chairs. Only one isn’t filled.
At every event I weigh is it even worth mentioning.
She asks if my performance is a necessary attendance.
I bite my tongue when I hear fathers talking about their daughters, love heavy in their voices.
I try not to think too often about little me.
The girl who would always beg to get on your motorcycle, I cherished the knee pads and bright pink helmet we bought together. I’ve thrown it away now.
I would braid the hair of the dozens of American girl dolls I got every birthday, we’d watch Moana while you struggled with a needle to take out my braids. My heart twists every time a classmate speaks fondly of their you, I pray that their love won’t be tainted like yours.
I love formulas, cause and effect relationships. I’ve found correlations between when you switched. I’ve wondered if it was my body betraying me that coaxed you to do the same. If it was me finally getting that dream, the 2 of you together, the 3 of us complete that was to perfect to last.
It hurts even worse knowing that every time I look in the mirror I see you. My skin is rough like yours, my eyes scrunch when I smile , I remember when you used to give me those smiles too. Your eyes closed tight over whipped cream on our noses. I get angry like you do.
It hurts knowing that when I was little, you PROMISED at my graduation you would finally get me my own bike, green with pink accents. We picked it out after my first day of middle school.
I hate bikes now.