it's called the past, 'cause i'm gettin' past, and i ain't nothing like i was before
around this time a year ago, i was a complete mess. i was lost, confused, didn't have an appetite for anything, couldn't bear to be alone for one second, in SUPER depression mode, yet i was putting up an act that everything was peachy keen to everyone. i even tried to convince myself everything was fine but i knew i was lying to myself. i only wanted one thing but a part of me knew it wasn't going to happen. each day felt like it was getting harder and harder to deal with. i lost someone who was my buddy. my love. my friend. my best friend. my other half. so of course, tears were involved for a while, especially during the night. depression took over my life for a period of time. it threw off my eating diet, my sleeping habit, and definitely my emotions. a part of me felt like it was ripped apart from me and there was literally a piece missing from me. i truly felt an emptiness inside me, specifically my tummy (i have no clue why).
looking back, i see this was one of my hardest times i ever went through. i lost one, but i honestly gained so many friendships from it. even though this period of time was pretty hard for me to go through, i had some great friends who helped me go through it.
Julie Vu. oh Poo :) now this girl. we've always been pretty cool and somewhat close in the past because of middle school, volleyball, walking home together, and walking to open gym together during the summer through out high school, BUT it wasn't until this "situation" that i personally think made us become as close as we are today. she invited me over whenever i didn't want to be alone, when i COULDN'T be alone. after club volleyball, we would go back to her place, eat, watch tons of tv, and who knows what else. as soon as i knew it, i realized her home became my 2nd home. i knew she would be there for me because she was a good friend of mine, but that was put to the test when i came to a point where i REALLY needed her there for me and what do you know. she was ALWAYS there for me during this time and that is why she is such a great friend to me. not even a friend. she's practically family to me. i mean it when i said i would probably be dead if it wasn't for her. well, probably not dead, but i'm sure i would be pretty crazy if it wasn't for her lol so she was there for me since the depression started, but sadly, she had to leave me for almost a whole week to go to ROTC camp. of course, i started panicking and got somewhat depressed because i didn't want to be alone. what does this girl do? she gives me a week supply of so much movies: Lord of the Rings (all of them), The Lake House, The Hangover, Role Models, and so much more lol and then she left for camp....
Jodie Dang :) now THIS GIRL...once julie left for camp during spring break, jodie stepped into my life and sort of took over julie's role. i'm sure not a lot of people know this, but jodie, tina, and i use to be the best of friends. we were super close in middle school. it is never a dull moment with these 2, especially if they're together. i remember jodie trying to comfort me and she asked if i wanted to help out with FANTASTICS. of course, not wanting to be alone and trying to keep myself occupied with other things in my mind, i helped her out. she would pick me up, go to random places, and we would end up back at james's house. we were both going through a rough time during that time period so keeping each other company really helped us feel a little better. it was so fun hanging out with her. we would get hungry and order pizza hut. then we would blast tina's phone and call her numerous of times and leave her voicemails to hurry her ass up and come over already :) good times, good times..
of course there were other people who helped me during this time period but honestly, these 2 (or 3 including tina) stood out the most. april was a rough month for me in 2010 and i wouldn't have been able to go through it if it wasn't for them. i am so thankful i have great friends like them. even though we all don't go to the same college, i love how we all somehow keep in contact with each other. and i'm hoping we won't distant off from each other. i just want to say.....THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH <3 this time of the year will always remind me of all our hang outs together during senior year :)
i don't expect anyone to read this blog because it's super long. shoot, i don't even think i'll re-read it again. this was just a random thought that i wanted to write down. i am the person i am today because of these 2, but also because of that person who was once a big impact in my life. back then, i was stubborn and didn't fully appreciate you. i took you for granted and that's where i was wrong. back then, i truly didn't believe all the things you said to me that day after school when it all went bad. but as i'm sitting here typing out all this out, i come to realize...you were right :) time truly does heal the heart. no one knows how MUCH time it will take, but it really does heal the heart eventually. you just have to be patient and believe everything will be ok as time passes on. you DID show me love is possible. i am capable of loving someone just as i loved you back then. although it's been a while, i honestly don't remember the feeling of truly loving someone or even being IN LOVE. you were my 1st love, but you definitely aren't my last. i'm glad to see you're doing ok these days. i'm glad i've been ok for a while now with how things turned out the way it did. there are times when i miss our friendship, but things happen for a reason. i know i never told you this, but THANK YOU. thank you for doing what you had to do that day. i understand it had to be done and i'm truly ok with it now.