Goodbye 2020, Goodbye Jehan
What a year, I must say. It was really another tough year for me. It was a rollercoaster, happy, confused, sad, hopeful and hopeless. I felt a lot of emotions this year and it tested my patience, hope and faith.
January welcomed me with tears. I was scared of meeting him again. I was scared of his reaction after that confession. I was really confused if I did a good one. Couple of weeks came and we became friends. We started going out again and restarted our relationship. It became a little stronger and good. It was ups and down still but improving I must say.
February is the month where I fell inlove with him deeper. We became much closer, we started going out together, we always go out, and we became closer and closer. I saw his vulnerable side and for the first time, I celebrated my birthday with someone I liked. It was good when he came back to Olongapo to see me I guess? I still don’t know if he did that intentionally or he did that really out of nowhere.
March came like a weird feeling. While we started growing up our feels, we usually eat dinner together, ride tricycle, caught dating I think, or people started to notice us — the unusual closeness we had. I started to think about again if there is a chance. Sometimes, his words doesn’t meet his actions. Lockdown starts yet we still managed to pull off seeing each other, our closeness became a normal thing. I started to trust him and get more closer to him.
April was when I confessed again and asked if I had a chance. It is really confusing to me what we are. We are so close yet I feel like we are more than that. I asked him and he told me that we can only be friends. I was badly hurt and lost myself in track. I was really in panic, anxiety became my bestfriend and breakdown became my normal routine. We lost our connections after that and it feels like I lost a friend. I lost someone precious in my life. It hurts me a lot. When he is all acting okay after I left. He seemed happy and fine while I was digging my grave in pain.
May came too sad. We never had much interactions and my heart still in pain. I still cry every night and kept asking what’s missing with me? I am questioning my self worth. I kept on wishing he will come back to me and to my life. I am still hopeful that we still have a chance. People started asking me too if we broke up and I kept on saying there’s nothing to break anyway.
June when we started to talk again. I made a little surprise for him on his birthday. I know that he doesn’t have anyone to celebrate with him even though he is with his brother. June also is the time when door opened up for us. He lived in our boarding house temporarily while we left. We started talking again a little casual. I didn’t expect that but it happened. This is the month too when our baby came. His name is Butter. My first fur baby and our first baby.
July came like a refresher. We started talking casually. We got few chances on talking again. Phone calls, messages and chats. Casual talks and a little friendly or flirty talks. I don’t know. I am trying not to interact a lot but we usually talk about Butter. He kept on sending photos of him and with Butter. I started to like him back and I know its wrong but it feels really good.
August is the month when Butter died. It hurts me knowing that my baby died. He opened the door for us and we became closer. We started talking after work, we usually videochat together. Most of the nights, we are talking even if its not work related. It feels good and it feels like we became more closer and closer.
September is when he said sorry to me. He said that because he felt like he is taking me for granted which is true. I was trying my best to keep in touch with him but he is trying to push me away. I don’t know why he became like that and that’s the time when we started to casual about our feelings. I mean I became more vocal with how I feel towards him. This is the month too when we first time to sleep together and when I came back to Gapo again. It feels great to see him back. That’s the month also that I knew his other side. I was surprised yet I slowly accepted the fact if ever we will be together I will accept all his flaws and past whatever happens. We went out for dinner and I finally hugged him while sleeping.
October I came back to Olongapo and we finally met again. We went out for dinner, we started to closer and closer and this is the month when I did something bad. I know it eas bad but it feels good. This is the time as well when I knew a lot of his other side. It was painful, it wasn't okay. But I tried to accept is as much as I could. We slowly had a gap but we are still talking casually. He became weird sometimes, he is acting so caring when I'm not in the mood which confuses me a lot. I was one of people he used to have on his plate. Maybe I was one of the option when he felt like he doesn't have anything. It hurts but I ate my pride to keep him cause I love him so much.
November came and I learned about his lies to me. he started to act weird again and trying to avoid me too. Whenever I will go back to Gapo, he will either go out at night or leave me off there alone. If he will stay there, he will not sleep with me anymore. It hurts me but yeah, I think he is just waiting for me to leave. I used to get cold yet it feels like nothing to him. That's when I realized that maybe I was nothing to him. I asked him if we can have sometime together but he always refused to do it. I know he is active, he just don't like me.
December came and I am decided to let him go. I know this will give me pain for the next coming days but I know cutting him off will benefit me a lot. We still had a good time. We still had a happy moments together. But, when I knew that he lied to me again, I don't think it still worth it. I trusted him so much. So when I went back to Gapo, and gave his gifts, he handed me his gift. It was his first gift to me and I really appreciate him and his effort. However, I cannot really stand the pain with him. I cut him off and I know he did that to me too long time ago already. We no longer talk anymore and I know he is happy with it and he is happier without me anymore.
Maybe this is the right time we are both waiting. I loved him so much but I cannot bear the pain anymore.
Looking forward for the better year for me.
