#daiyenu

[creatingnikki]

Everyone is always finding ways to get me to myself. But you, you’re someone I’ll remember with affection regardless of the sour kisses from the middle to the end. You’re the only one who took my hand and gave me the permission to run away from myself. All those others? They’d leave me in the cage of my own misery and shadows. Terrified, confused, occasionally dazed. But you ran with me through fields of laughter. And you always left enough goodies back in the cage, to not let the other me starve. You never offered me up to myself. And for that I’ll always remember you with affection. No one can understand that kind of love, that kind of play. Of course, I’ve never tried—they’d just lock me up in the cage.

[creatingnikki]

recently someone introduced me to the Hebrew word daiyenu. they said it translates to ‘it would have been enough’. sounds basic, right? but the sentiment this word carries is precious. it is a beautiful way to express gratitude. a way to say that even though things didn’t end up the way that would have been the most ideal for us, we are still so grateful for what has been done. we never met and played that game of chess but you stayed up with me all those nights my dad was in the hospital and made me laugh. daiyenu. my skills as an artist never improved so I can’t even call myself one but illustrating like a 4th grader is one of the few ways that help me destress and not overthink. daiyenu. we don’t love each other anymore but when we did it was sincere and kind. daiyenu. anything I cook other than spaghetti always turns out less tasty than it looks but I am learning to cook and nourish myself. daiyenu. despite all that time we spent together so closely we never actually understood the other person but we tried many times before giving up. daiyenu. you never remember my birthday but always show up with a present whenever we meet because everywhere you go something reminds you of me. daiyenu. my body does not do the things I would like it to but it keeps me alive and puts up with my three-hour sleep cycle, midnight snacking, and no moisturising. daiyenu. our taste in music is poles apart but we still send each other songs as a way to say I want to know the parts of you that I cannot inherently resonate with. daiyenu. any fairy lights I buy stop working within a few days but for as long as they do they provide a sense of calm that I can no longer go without. daiyenu. you did not read any of the books I gifted or recommended to you but have never missed anything written by me. daiyenu. you did not agree with what I said but did not laugh, mock, or deny me my feelings. daiyenu. you are not mine to keep but we get to share this magical and maddening part of our youth together. daiyenu. life is not going according to plan but I get to course correct and cry and buy oranges and tell my mother I love her. daiyenu. 

@shedreamerwings thank you for introducing me to this beautiful word/concept. 

[creatingnikki]

I do not accept

Your lies, your excuses, your reasons. I accept that your intentions may be pure, but I do not accept the way you actioned them. I accept that you did it out of love but I do not accept that love; love laced in deceit and delusion is not love for me but for your own needs. 

You leave me with years of soft words, days of passionate kisses, hours of ecstasy. I accept those and the memories. But I do not accept your desire to keep supplying me with the same; I am not a secret, I do not shower in shame. 

You helped me clean some deep wounds and healed some too. I accept that with such gratitude and will forever remember you with a light heart. But I do not accept that you still have a pure heart or that you are offering me anything secure. 

I used to think your grand gestures, your sweet words, your love, your time in isolation of your delusions and disrespect and dodgy behaviour was enough, that I could utter daiyenu. But, no, I can’t. It is not enough. I do not accept. 

I do not.